Everyone checked their cell phones, but so far, no one had received any phone calls or hang-ups from the number Peter had written down earlier that day. George, Missy’s father, had finally interjected some wisdom into their gathering.
He’d been eavesdropping on the conversation from behind the kitchen counter, and when things had grown silent and tense in regards to their next steps, he had suggested someone physically travel to New York and find her.
“If she’s hiding something, it will be much harder to pull off if someone is looking her in the eye.”
All of the heads nodded, but now they had to decide who was going to make the trip. Trey had to work, and Jenna didn’t feel it was her place to go since she’d been gone so long.
Missy’s baby was already in her third trimester so she couldn’t travel, and with her needing some time off, George needed to stay and run the diner.
Tyler thought about going, but he’d heard from Adam and Lorelei and they were going to be heading to Cathedral Hills the first part of the following week. There was a smaller ranch house on the property, but it needed some light repair work done to make it wheelchair friendly. He’d already talked with Stephanie’s dad about making the necessary improvements and work was set to begin first thing Monday morning.
Michelle couldn’t go since her ankle was injured, and Taylor and Stephanie had other family commitments preventing them from leaving town at this particular time. That only left Peter, and while Tyler didn’t relish managing everything on the ranch by himself, he’d willingly do it to make sure his sister was okay.
“Guess that leaves me. I was already planning on volunteering if it came to this, so I’ll be heading to Denver tonight. There’s an early flight out in the morning which will put me in New York tomorrow afternoon.”
Stephanie handed him a piece of paper, “There are some of my contacts in the modeling world. If you have any trouble finding her, they should be able to help you. The last I heard, Brooke was modeling for some foreign fashion magazine. I tried to find some of her pictures a few years back, but nothing ever came up under her name. I’m guessing she’s using an alias when she’s modeling.”
“Why would she do that?” Missy inquired.
“To keep her anonymity. There are a lot of weird people out there that wouldn’t think twice about stalking a model, or finding out where they lived…the list goes on.”
“So how do you manage it?” Taylor asked, knowing that Stephanie used her first name.
“I don’t use my last name. Ever. When I started modeling, my agent helped me set up a small company. I work for that company, so all of my checks are made out to it, not me. I seriously doubt any of my photographers or designers know my last name.”
Peter smiled at her, “It sounds like you have a good agent there.”
“I do. Well, I hate to be the one to break this party up, but I promised to help my little sisters with a project they’re doing for school. Volcanoes. I don’t know why I thought my days of Paper Mache would be over once I graduated from high school. With two younger sisters, I may never be finished with school!”
Everyone laughed, and shortly after Stephanie departed, everyone else vacated the small diner and headed to their respective homes. Since Trey had picked up his truck before heading into work that morning, Tyler offered to drive Michelle home.
Once they were in the car, he couldn’t resist giving into the intimacy the small interior of the vehicle provided. He reached over and clasped her hand, “Today was a good day, wasn’t it?”
Michelle nodded tiredly, “It was. All except the news about Brooke. But the rest of it was good. Jenna and Trey want to get together and discuss things sometime next week. I guess the paperwork that Jenna needs to sign is supposed to arrive tomorrow, and then she has meetings scheduled with the realtor and has to finish going through her parents belongings.”
“That’s fine. But I don’t want to talk about Jenna, or Brooke, or Trey. I want to talk about us.” Tyler parked the car under a large tree in front of Trey’s house.
“Us?” Michelle echoed.
Tyler turned the ignition off and then turned so that he was facing her, “Us. You and me. Michelle, I don’t need weeks or months to know how I feel about you. I love you. I have for a very long time and I don’t see that changing any time soon.”
“Tyler…”
“Let me finish, please? When Adam got injured, I wanted to talk to you so badly. It was like someone had flipped the light switch and the power had come back on. I knew I didn’t want to ride again. I also knew that losing you was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.”
“Tyler, I still have feelings for you as well, but I don’t know if I can have a relationship that could possibly destroy me.”
“Listen to me. You are not Celia. You’re not! I know you’re carrying around a load of guilt where she’s concerned, and I think you should go talk to your dad about how to rid yourself of it. It’s not yours to carry.”
“I hear you, but it’s not that easy. I sacrificed everything…”
“What do you mean, you sacrificed everything?”
Michelle sighed and then shook her head, “It’s not important.”
“Yes! It is! Talk to me. Remember, we were not going to keep secrets from each other any longer?”
She nodded and then answered, “Taking Celia into my own home was against policy. In a big way. After she died, my new supervisor got a copy of the police report listing my address as the place of her death. He was not happy. He wrote me up for disciplinary action, and even went so far as to refuse me time off to attend her funeral.
“It didn’t matter that a life had been lost, he was more concerned with protocol and how vulnerable his department had become by my actions.”
Tyler tensed his muscles, wishing the man was close by so he could have a word or two with him. “It doesn’t sound like the man had an ounce of compassion in his body.”
“He didn’t, which is why I grabbed my things and left. I emailed him my immediate resignation later that morning. He threatened my career, and I have no doubt in my mind that all kinds of nasty character assassinations have been added to my personnel file.”
“Can he do that?” Tyler was outraged.
“Since I didn’t fight him on it, yeah – he can.”
“Why didn’t you fight for yourself?”
“Why bother? I broke protocol and got too deeply involved with a client. I couldn’t keep my distance or my perspective. I endangered my health and my career because I allowed myself to care too much.”
Tyler grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him, “You are the most caring person I’ve ever met, which is one of the reasons I love you. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, tragedy strikes. You need to go talk to you father and see if he can help you come to terms with what happened.
“I understand you were angry with God…”
“Still am. He could have saved her.”
Tyler searched her face and then kissed her forehead, the ring in his pocket staying put for the moment. “Michelle, I want to build a life with you. Promise me you’ll talk to your father tomorrow. Please?”
“I don’t know what good you think will come of it, but if it makes you happy – then yes, I’ll talk to my father tomorrow.”
“Good. I’ll come by and see you tomorrow afternoon and see how it went. Just remember, I love you, and there’s nothing wrong with loving deeply. You weren’t made to love superficially. That’s a gift, not a curse.”
Chapter 18
Loving deeply is a gift not a curse. That thought kept running through Michelle’s mind throughout the night and into the morning hours. She heard Trey and Jenna leave the house shortly before 9 o’clock, and slowly made her way to the small bathroom with the crutches.
The swelling was almost completely gone in her ankle, and just the bruising and tenderness remained. And the instability she found w
hen she attempted to put some weight on it without the benefit of the air splint or ace bandage.
“Ouch! Guess that’s not my best idea.”
She re-wrapped her ankle and then slowly made her way down the stairs. She started a pot of water for some tea and then sat down at the kitchen table. She picked up the phone and dialed her parents’ number. Her mother answered and after a brief conversation about her ankle and other mundane topics, Michelle asked to speak to her father.
“Michelle? How’s your ankle, sweetheart?”
“It’s doing much better, dad. I was wondering if you had some time to talk this morning? And before you say anything, I’d kind of like to keep this just between us for now. I know that will hurt mom’s feelings, but I have some questions and I need answers.”
“I don’t have anything scheduled until later. Why don’t I swing by the house and see you so you don’t have to get out on that ankle?”
“That would be great. I’ll make sure the front door is unlocked. Come on in when you get here.”
“I’ll see you in half an hour then.”
Michelle hung up the phone, made her tea, and then used the downstairs bathroom to quickly shower and change her clothes. Her suitcase was still in the extra bedroom she had used the first two days after her accident, and she was just exiting the bedroom when she heard the front door open.
“Michelle?”
“I’m in the kitchen,” she hollered back.
Michelle lowered herself into a chair and placed her crutches against the wall, smiling at her father as he walked in.
“Morning, sweetheart. I must say, you’re looking much better than the last time I saw you.”
“Thanks, dad. Help yourself to coffee or tea. The water’s hot and there’s sugar in the cupboard above the coffee pot.”
Terrene Cottrell fixed himself a cup of tea and then seated himself across from his only daughter. “So, you said you wanted to talk to me? Your mother was more than a little agitated that she wasn’t invited along.”
“I’m sorry about that. I’ll call and apologize to her later, okay?”
“She’ll get over it.”
Michelle nodded her head and then looked at her dad, “I’m sorry I’ve been so mopey since I came home. Several things happened this past year and I just couldn’t deal with them any longer.”
“Michelle, you know I’m always willing to listen to you. Does any of this have to do with Tyler Jameson?”
“How did you know? Oh, that’s right – you were up at the camp when he was bringing the horses down. Did he saying something to you?”
“No,” Terrence shook his head, “I didn’t pry either. Your name came up several times, and each one of them, Tyler was all ears. Your mother and I also happened to run into Missy at the diner Saturday night and she might have mentioned that Tyler was back in hopes of fixing what had gone wrong between you two.”
Michelle sighed, “Leave it to Missy. I guess I should probably back up a few years.” She told her father about running into Tyler while in Denver at a conference, and how they had continued to see each other about once a month, whenever he could find the time.
“I didn’t realize I was in love with him until he dislocated his shoulder at the same competition where another rider broke his neck before they could free his hand from the ropes.”
“It would be natural to be afraid for his safety after witnessing something like that. Did you discuss your fear with Tyler?”
“No. But it wasn’t just that.” She told him about Celia and the tragedy surrounding her young life. “She was doing so well, or so I thought. She was attending the help meetings, and going to church with me on Sundays. She’d been raised in the church and I thought she’d recommitted her life to the Lord. She seemed happier, but still had moments of severe depression. Normally, she would call me and we would talk about it until she could find a way out.
“If things didn’t start to turn around in her head, then she always had the anti-depressants she could fall back on. She didn’t like taking them, and I never pushed her to.”
“And you blame yourself for her death because of that?”
“That and other things. I should have been home the night she died. I was behind on some paperwork and so I stayed a few hours late to get caught up.”
“Did you expect her to be home by herself?” Terrence asked, trying to figure out what part of this story was really eating away at his daughter’s spirit.
“She was supposed to be at a meeting. I fully expected to beat her home, even though I’d worked late.” Michelle gave him a brief overview of what she’d found upon arriving at her home, and the ensuing funeral and conversation with her supervisor.
“Michelle, let me ask you something. Do you think there was anything you could have personally done to prevent this young woman from taking her own life?”
“I could have been there!”
“And she could have still locked herself in the bathroom and cut her wrists while you were in the kitchen, or the shower, or outside sitting on your deck...”
Michelle swallowed, “Yes, she could have.”
“So, let me ask you again. Is there anything you could have done, short of watching her twenty-four-seven that would have prevented her from taking her own life?”
Michelle thought for a moment and then shook her head, “No. Celia was so depressed, and she’d tried it twice before.”
“So, what’s really bothering about this situation? I sense that Tyler is wrapped up in your thought process somehow.”
Michelle was quiet for a few minutes and then finally asked, “What if I’m no stronger than her?”
Terrence was shocked by the lack of self-confidence he heard in his daughter’s words. Michelle had always been sure of herself and her decisions. Somehow, she had allowed the weakness of this woman Celia, to transfer itself to her own character, but that wasn’t reality. It was a lie!
“Michelle, you are not that person. Did you crumple when you and Tyler fought? No. You kept on living. Did you crumple when Celia took her own life? No. You kept on living. In fact, you demonstrated your strength by leaving a bad workplace situation and coming home.”
“But why did God let her die? I prayed for her, and prayed with her, she prayed…”
“God didn’t let her die. Michelle, suicide is a very tricky subject. Not only does it take away the life of the one committing it, but it wreaks immeasurable harm and emotional damage to those left behind. In the case of your friend, it doesn’t sound like she was dealing with her depression very well.
“Depression steals one’s ability to think clearly about things. It affects different people, in different ways and oftentimes carries with it symptoms of physical pain and anguish.”
“I saw that in her. Some days she could hardly drag herself out of bed.”
Terrence chose his next words carefully, wanting to help Michelle, but also knowing that she needed to come to her own conclusions in order to fully receive the help he could provide. “Michelle, let me ask you another question. Do you think Stevie will go to heaven when he dies?”
“Of course he will. He’s the nicest young man I’ve ever met.”
“As are most children born with Down Syndrome. But Stevie has the mental capacity of a five year old. Does he fully understand the difference between right and wrong?”
“Well, sometimes. I mean, I remember he likes to do things in order, and it seems like his mom and dad were always having to keep an eye on him.”
“That’s right. Stevie understands what’s allowed in certain situations, but only from a habit position. He doesn’t really understand why he shouldn’t do something. Now, I believe that he will go to heaven because he has a diminished mental capacity, and cannot make a decision to follow Christ. Not like you and I can.”
Michelle nodded her head, “That sounds right. Why are you asking me about Stevie?”
“Well, like Stevie, you friend Celia was probably not in a good m
ental state when she decided to take her own life and follow through on that thought. The human mind is based upon a need to survive. Taking one’s own life is counterproductive to that goal. It’s not a natural way of thinking.”
“So you’re saying Celia wasn’t in her right mind when she took her life?”
“No. I have to believe that God is one of mercy and since Celia had a relationship with him when she was in her right mind, he will judge her based on that, not on her depression induced actions.”
“As for your concerns about whether or not you’re like her, you do not suffer from severe depression. You have a desire to live and prosper and help others. Loving others goes along with that. It’s a tremendous gift from God that should never be taken for granted.”
“That’s exactly what Tyler said. He told me last night that my ability to love others was a gift and not a curse.”
“He’s right. Do you love him?”
Michelle didn’t even hesitate before she nodded her head, “Yes. I’ve loved him at some level since I was a senior in high school. I was so afraid of losing him, that I became this harpy demanding woman who wanted him to forego his dreams and stop bull riding. That’s why we quit seeing each other a year and some ago.”
“And now he’s retiring and he’s back for you. So, I have one last question for you. What are you going to do with Tyler Jameson?” Terrence didn’t wait for a reply, he simply got up from the table, kissed his daughter on the top of her head and let himself back out of the house.
He hadn’t realized that Michelle’s faith had been so fragile. Just like Jenna, she had been through a very traumatic experience and rather than running to God for help, they had felt abandoned by him. As he headed towards the church and his office, he began putting together a sermon series that would deal with those exact issues. It seemed his flock was in need of being reminded that God was always there. In every situation. In every failure and in every victory. God would never leave them.
Michelle and Tyler: Christian Romance (Cathedral Hills Book 2) Page 8