The man in the long grey trench coat confronted the young woman while she was trying to get into her car in the underground car park.
"Can I help you?" she asked a little hesitantly as she opened her car door.
Without a word he pulled open his coat exposing himself to her with a wide grin on his face.
"Pervert!" the woman screamed, yanking the door shut and slamming her hand down on the lock.
He stood there for a moment, gyrating his hips in a slow circular motion as the woman fished frantically in her handbag and yanked out her mobile phone.
"Police! Police!" she yelled into the phone in a high shrill voice.
With his smile gone in an instant, the flasher turned and sprinted out of the car park squinting at the bright sunshine above as he held onto his coat covering his modesty.
Suddenly there was a whoosh from above and the man glanced up to see a black shape hurtle through the sky high over his head. With his feet pounding the hard pavement he flicked another furtive look overhead as he rounded a street corner and careered across the road.
Zigzagging through traffic he dodged vehicles that screeched to a halt with their horns blaring and drivers throwing him expletives. Panting heavily the man hurtled down a side street and threw a look over his shoulder when all of a sudden he slammed into something hard and immoveable, sending him sprawling to the ground with a yelp of pain.
"Citizen, please cover up your genitals." said a commanding voice.
The man looked up with a dazed expression on his face at the tall superhero towering over him. His face was partially covered by a black leather mask with only his piercing blue eyes, wide full lips and granite-like jaw line visible. He was clad in red and black spandex with stylized body armor covering his torso, and a long black cape that flowed out majestically behind him.
"Genital exposure is not appropriate behavior citizen, and neither is touching oneself. You are in violation of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and could face a maximum prison time of 2 years. It's morally unacceptable and offensive to others, so please cover up your anatomy."
The man on the ground looked down at his open legs then quickly closed them and pulled his trench coat around him, flushing red as he did so.
"It is I, the Black Avenger, protector of London and official real-life superhero, and it is my duty to make you pay for your crimes against humanity."
"B…But I haven’t done anything wrong." stammered the man scrambling to his feet and looking around nervously.
"Do not try and escape citizen, for I have super-speed and can fly," said the Black Avenger tilting his head to the side for dramatic effect. "Yes, I know what you are thinking, I am incredible aren’t I?"
"You m…must have me mistaken for someone else. I was just out going to the shops."
"Citizen, I see a grown man before me wearing a trench coat with bare shins and trainers and nothing underneath. My super x-ray vision tells me this, and also allowed me to survey you exposing yourself to the young woman in the car park. In future try streaking son, you'll get the same thrill."
"What happens now?"
"Now I must take you to the authorities and let justice be served for that is the superhero way."
"You're a real life superhero." cooed an excited voice from behind the Black Avenger.
He spun around to stare at a man dressed in a black suit holding a clipboard and another shorter man dressed in a gaudily colored costume with red pants and a yellow belt with the letter 'H' emblazoned on it.
"My superhero hearing must not be working properly." said the Black Avenger, waggling a finger in his ear in embarrassment.
"To be fair we were creeping really quietly." remarked the man in the suit with an apologetic smile on his face.
"I can hear a person fart at two thousand yards. It's barely there, but I can detect it. All these long hours must be taking their toll on my superhero abilities."
"Can you hear anything smaller, like a bird?" asked the shorter man clapping his hands together in delight.
"Birds don’t have butt cheeks, son," said the Black Avenger knowingly. "Tell me citizens, who are you?"
"My name is Agent Two and my overly-exuberant colleague is Hindsight Kid. He's never seen a real-life superhero in the flesh before."
"Feel free to stare at my sheer awesomeness and don’t look away and be paralyzed by the realization that such a phenomenon exists. Do not worry; I am quite used to it."
"His costume is soooo cool." whispered Hindsight Kid reaching forward to touch the black cape. "Mine was from a thrift store."
"Do not touch the threads, son. I made this costume myself; needlework is my thing you see. My name is the Black Avenger."
As he said the words a gust of wind blew his black cape and it trailed out behind him as the Black Avenger stared up at the sky with his fists planted on his hips.
"He doesn’t look black." commented Hindsight Kid with a frown.
"It's the color of the costume, Martin." said Agent Two.
"That would make more sense."
The Black Avenger carried on gazing towards the sky for full dramatic effect.
"But why isn’t he called the Red and Black Avenger then?"
"Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it now?"
"Suppose so," said Hindsight Kid peering closely at the superhero. "Say, what's he looking at?"
Agent Two craned his neck and followed the Black Avengers long intense stare and nodded his head.
"I've seen this before," said the agent. "See, a dramatic pause can make a listener pay attention. It's a superhero thing and quite common amongst them."
"But it's such a long time though," moaned Hindsight Kid. "I bet he's getting neck ache by now."
"You're right Martin; he must be feeling a little uncomfortable by now."
Clearing his throat loudly Agent Two stepped forward as the Black Avenger shook his head and focused on them.
"My apologies citizens, I zoned out a bit there. Tell me again, who are you?"
"I am Agent Two and this is my colleague Hindsight Kid. We represent S.H.I.T and are part of a task force helping clean up the streets of London to help take the burden of our fellow superheroes."
"Ah, I've heard about you. With the whole 'community is fighting back' thing you have going on. Your work and efforts are appreciated within superhero circles, although it is a little unorthodox."
"Can you give me some advice, sir?" asked Hindsight Kid with wide eyes. "It will help me unleash my inner superhero."
The Black Avenger laid a gloved hand on the short man's shoulder and smiled, showing a row of glistening pearly white teeth.
"Fighting crime is a difficult job…a tough job son, but if you live by the Superhero code-of-conduct you can be just like me, albeit a shorter uglier version with clearly no powers or dress sense."
"Can you teach me this superhero code?" gasped Hindsight Kid.
"I can, but you must promise you will live by it and remember, with great power comes great responsibility."
"Rip off." said Agent Two coughing into his hand.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing, please carry on."
The Black Avenger sniffed and looked intently into Hindsight Kid's eyes and spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Number one, be the champion of right and defend the weak and infirm. Two, remain faithful to your word. Three, be generous except to homeless people because that is what council authorities are there for and we all pay taxes, right? Four, only euthanize someone and only as a last resort if their suffering begins to really irritate you, but remember to do so humanely. Five, do not accept money to use your superpowers unless the money is completely untraceable and finally six, thou shall look marvelous at all times. I added that last one."
"Wow!" said Hindsight Kid.
"Are you absolutely sure that's the Superhero code-of-conduct?" asked Agent Two suspiciously.
"Of course, I'm a superhero aren’t I? What superpowers d
o you have?"
"I don’t have any, I'm just an agent representing S.H.I.T, but my colleague does."
"What are they?" asked the Black Avenger.
"I have an incredible understanding of a situation only after it has happened or developed." said Hindsight Kid proudly.
"Can you offer your expertise on this crime that has just happened?" asked the superhero pointing behind him where the flasher had been.
"What crime?"
The Black Avenger spun around on the spot but the man in the trench coat had long gone.
"Ahhh…I had apprehended a criminal for indecent exposure but he erm…appears to have left the scene."
"I saw him running away as we were talking. He looked kind of normal to me." said the agent peering off into the distance.
"He was naked underneath his coat." said the Black Avenger with a sigh.
"That's not normal." remarked Agent Two. "Can you use your super powers Hindsight Kid?"
Nodding his head Hindsight Kid raised his hands to his temple and furrowed his brow in deep concentration as he channeled his powers. His face became etched, his mouth a grim tight line as he focused intently as his powers intensified.
Finally after a few long seconds he lowered his shaking hands and looked at the Black Avenger.
"You should have kept an eye on him."
"Your powers are extraordinary." remarked the Black Avenger in admiration.
16.
Not quite bulletproof
It was nightfall and a half moon hung high in the sky shining faintly over the secluded warehouse on the industrial estate.
Shrouded in darkness, Agent One crept along the fence line inching his way closer towards the unit with his colleague trailing behind slowly. Suddenly his colleague stood on a dry twig and the agent froze on the spot as the loud crack echoed around the estate. Licking his lips nervously Agent One hunkered down to his haunches and fixed his eyes on the armed guard who stood by the front door of the warehouse making frequent glances at his watch.
Breathing a sigh of relief the agent glanced back at his colleague and raised a finger to his lips as he sidled over to him. Unsnapping his night vision binoculars from his backpack the agent raised them to his eyes and scanned the building, before turning and raising two fingers at his colleague.
"Are you swearing at me for making a noise?" whispered his colleague.
"No, that's not what I was signaling." replied the agent in a hushed voice.
"But your knuckles were facing me!"
Agent One shook his head in irritation then turned his hand the other way round with palm towards him.
"Now you're doing the victory sign."
"I'm telling you there are two guards," hissed the agent. "One at the front door and one patrolling the rear of the warehouse, and both are carrying weapons."
"Oh, so what do we do now?"
"Now we wait for the right moment before we take them down."
"Take who down?"
"You did read the preliminary briefing document on the mission, didn’t you, Darren?"
"Yes."
"Excellent."
After a few moments of silence Darren blinked a few times then looked across to Agent One.
"Actually I never read it. Was I meant to?"
"It may have proved beneficial on this life-threatening mission of national security Darren, so yes, you should have read the briefing document."
"Which bit was that?"
"The page titled briefing document, the one after the map."
"Riiiggghhhttt…did you read it?"
"Did I read the preliminary briefing document on the life-threatening mission of national security?"
"Yes that one."
"Yes Darren, I read the preliminary briefing document on the life-threatening mission of national security,"
"That's good." muttered Darren staring off into the distance at the guard stationed outside the warehouse door with his machine gun cradled over his shoulder.
"So what did it say?"
"What did what say?" asked Agent One frowning.
"The preliminary briefing document on the life-threatening mission of national security."
"Our intel tells us that the warehouse we're about to raid is the UK epicenter of international arms trade. Inside that building a crime organization is illegally brokering huge weapon shipments to unstable countries. We are here to put a stop to this trafficking once and for all."
"It sounds dangerous," remarked Darren. "Do you think they'll have guns in there?"
"There is a very strong chance that there may be guns inside the building trading guns, but this is exactly the reason why I specially selected you for this mission. They call you Bulletproof, right?"
"Yes, that's right." said Darren a little hesitantly.
"The plan is I'll radio for backup and then we'll move in."
"Is that before or after back-up has arrived?"
"Before," said Agent One. "I will use you as my defensive shield when they open fire. I will be fully protected while you take all the gunfire until they run out of ammo then back-up should have arrived and we'll take them down."
"Just out of curiosity, what sort of guns do you think they will have?"
"If I was a betting man I would guess they would be equipped with fully automatic AK-47's assault rifles capable of one hundred rounds per minute effective up to three hundred meters. Don’t get me wrong Darren, it's a very dangerous situation, but I wouldn’t be going in there if it wasn’t for you and your superpowers. That's why they call you Bulletproof, right?"
"Well…yes. That's the second part of my superhero name."
"You have a first part?" asked Agent One frowning. "I didn’t see it on your application."
"Yes, I missed it off."
"What is it?"
"Almost."
"Almost what?"
"No, that's it." said Bulletproof smiling weakly. "My name is Almost Bulletproof."
"Ahhh…okay," replied the agent nodding his head in understanding. "Almost Bulletproof, I get you now."
He gazed off at the warehouse thinking for a moment, then rolled the words around on his tongue a few times before turning back to Darren.
"Almost Bulletproof, you say? That's your superhero name?"
"Yes."
"Right, just checking."
Agent One turned back to the warehouse and narrowed his eyes in deep thought then looked back to Darren again.
"Almost, as in very nearly, just about, or more or less?"
"Yes."
"See that gives us a little bit of a problem Darren because when I think of almost I think of something that is not quite there. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Sure."
"So you're almost bulletproof, but not quite?"
"I'm bulletproof to every second bullet."
"Brilliant."
"Yes, and every second one after that so the fourth and the sixth and the…,"
"I get it Darren, but still you're only bulletproof to the second bullet, so you aren’t bulletproof to the first?"
"That's right."
"So you could die from the first bullet and then it doesn’t really matter much about the second bullet then does it?"
"Well, if I'm dead then no." remarked Darren nonplussed.
"Just to add to that, if you die from the first bullet and I would assume there would be a lot of bullets flying around, then I'm not protected in anyway."
"Not if I'm dead, no."
Agent One put his head in his hands and shook it slowly from side to side.
"Are you crying, agent?"
"A little. We can't really do this mission then, can we? In fact you're not really much use at all are you?"
"But I'm a superhero." replied Darren tetchily.
"Have you ever actually tried out your superpowers?"
"Are you kidding? I'm not bulletproof to the first bullet am I?"
"So technically you don’t even know if you have any
superpowers do you, Darren?"
"Not really."
"Excellent," said Agent One clapping his hands together in a slow clap. "Well this has been fun. Let's call in the backup and go to a drive-thru. How's that sound?"
"Do they still have drive-by shootings at drive-thrus?" asked Darren with a worried expression on his face.
"Yes, but they only ever use the second bullet."
"That's alright then, let's go."
17.
The applications department is seriously understaffed
"I don’t know about this," said Agent One uneasily. "I feel rather uncomfortable."
Agent Two scratched his nose and stared at his clipboard for a moment then thumbed through a few pages before glancing up at the waiting superheroes.
"It says they're superheroes right here, they've been signed off and everything." he muttered.
"These approved application forms are not worth the paper they are printed on, after all this is coming from the same department that signed off the Unseen Phantom."
"I thought he was pretty useful." commented Agent Two looking up. "He had the power of invisibility, right?"
"Yes, but only in the dark. What about Professor Neuron? He claimed he was a telepath and had the ability to read the minds of other people."
"If I remember he did have some kind of parapsychic power."
"Yes, he had the amazing power to read his own mind."
"You may have a point, Agent One," said Agent Two nodding his head slowly. "What about that fellow who could communicate with fruit?"
"A bizarre and strangely fascinating power, but useless all the same."
Sighing Agent One rubbed his tired eyes then stared at the five waiting superheroes that looked back blankly.
"Do they look like superheroes to you? Would you feel confident taking them out into the field?"
Rubbing his chin thoughtfully Agent Two glanced back at his clipboard then up again.
"I can't make my mind up. Which do you want?"
"I'm still thinking."
Both agents scrutinized the superheroes for several minutes, occasionally consulting their clipboards until finally Agent One let out a sigh and turned to his colleague.
Society of Heroes with Indeterminate Talent Page 10