Freedom From Conscience - Descent Into Darkness
Michael Cross
Copyright Michael Cross 2015
Published by Black Rose Writing, Publishing at Smashwords
www.blackrosewriting.com
© 2015 by Michael Cross
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.
The final approval for this literary material is granted by the author.
First digital version
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Print ISBN: 978-1-61296-598-7
PUBLISHED BY BLACK ROSE WRITING
www.blackrosewriting.com
Print edition produced in the United States of America
Thank you Josefine Faber,
for another fantastic cover design.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
It is amazing how clear one’s mind can be in the early hours of the morning; on those rare occasions you awake, yet all those around you are still in deep slumber. Maybe it is the perfect time one can open one’s self to inspiration from God… or maybe it is merely the brain’s chance to exert itself after a night of relaxation. Who can really be sure? It just seems as though thoughts that extend to ideas that are bigger than the routine of life have an easier time to present themselves, at least to those willing to let them take center stage.
Yet could I deny this is the state of my mind most of the time anyway – always in a tug of war between the part that desires to see the world only through rational eyes, so rational as to almost discount the magic and mysteries of creation, and the intuitive, esoteric force inside of me that drives me to explore those mysteries with an intensity that few people could ever realize…including the people closest to me? Yet in those undisturbed moments early in the morning my mind becomes so flooded with thoughts, possibilities and sometimes even fears that I have to break away, jump out of bed and occupy myself in the daily chores of life for fear of drowning…or more like losing my grip on sanity.
With the new possibilities life was presenting to me, I had to be careful not to expose who I really was to my loved ones, or the world at large. Only a few knew anything of my darkest secrets, and none knew them all. I could not share with anyone every detail of my life…even with my new love resting comfortably next to me in this moment of self-exploration.
As for the rest of the world, I could ill afford anyone to discover who I really was. Perhaps I had made myself too vulnerable, too exposed in the last several months; yet it seemed my destiny to survive every challenge and keep rising to the top. In just over a year I had given birth to my forth child, Magdalena, served my first term in the Oregon Senate, entered a new phase of my political career, and, oh yeah…as my life seemed to never let me escape my more primitive, savage curse, so to speak, I was thrust into another drama involving life and death. Luckily, I came out ahead – yet just barely as I came so close to being the victim, rather than the victor. I can still feel the cold steel pierce my body, violating me as it was pushed, deeper and deeper…but wait, so much more is involved in leading up to that moment of my almost crossing to the other side. As for the present, the world seems to offer me more than I could have ever imagined when I was younger…infinite possibilities of love, power and recognition; as long as I continue to keep my past buried, and my present carefully concealed.
Chapter 1
I guess not every state senator had such a colorful life as me. There was my violent past to be sure but that was not all that separated me far from the mainstream of society; few women could boast having taken so many lives. Of course for the most part these “victims” had deserved their fate. In a corrupt society in which evil often goes unpunished – and sometimes is generously rewarded – there are so few with the skills and desire to make things right. Unlike Vincent Elkington, my kidnapper I defeated, who had such a vendetta against God he sought to kill as many of His children as possible, it was not in my nature to hurt the innocent. Yet when I took his life I felt absolutely no guilt. He had not known it but I had killed before and would do so again. Maybe I was cursed, maybe blessed, but it seemed my destiny.
There was also my unique relationship to my loved ones. Where most people choose one person at a time to share their life with I would have nothing to do with such traditional limitations! I spent several years simultaneously married to both my oldest friend and lover Nicole and to Matt, the only man who always accepted me and never abandoned me. Of course he had no idea in the beginning that Nicole and I were more than best friends, or that her children were actually his. An honest admission only came after I returned from my ordeal with Vincent.
The transition to a more honest relationship with Matt had been easier than I had thought it might be. I at least felt at ease once Nicole and I no longer had to live our love in secret. Then again we still had our other secrets dating back to high school when Matt’s now deceased brother had been both our psychology teacher and mentor in the dark art of serial killing. Nicole, her former husband Daniel and I had amassed quite a record in cleaning some very undesirable elements from the gene pool before graduation. Sadly Matt’s brother took his own life when an innocent had died at our hands. As for Nicole’s husband? He who lives by the sword quite often dies by the sword, just like Vincent who eventually discovered he had kidnapped the wrong woman. That, however, was all behind me…so many of the men in my life were now mere skeletons…just distant memories.
What counted was the present! And my marriage to Matt and Nicole, while certainly unconventional, had brought me utmost happiness. I was a mother of four beautiful children. Nicole too was a mother and devoted wife to Matt as well as me, and then there was Matt himself. He had a perfect job, a house full of children and two devoted wives. Of course it was not without some soul searching on his part, but I reasoned that he came out ahead in the end. After all, he learned that Nicole’s two youngest daughters were actually his biological children, and he was able to have Nicole as his wife and lover as well as I. What man could ask for more? It seemed at first he was sometimes not as committed to the idea of having two wives, or of his wives having a bond not just in emotions, but physically as well. Yet it was after Nicole’s third daughter was born that he fully converted to the arrangement. That was good because that is what I wanted – Matt and Nicole and me, forever.
The only obstacle, ironically, was his religion. He had to keep his relationships quiet or else he would be excommunicated from his church. I guess that was the ultimate irony. Whereas originally Matt was able to be open and honest with his life, and Nicole and I had to be with each other in the shadows, our having the opportunity to be open about our life, love and sexuality with him meant Matt had to live a part of his life in secrecy… as well as help guard our secret from the world. Yet his love proved to be so unconditional; originally for me and later for Nicole as well, that he could
accept us for who we were and love both of us anyway. Few men could be so brave, so understanding, and so devoted.
As for religion, another irony arose in our relationship – I was not a member of Matt’s church, nevertheless I loved its history and almost all its doctrines. I found the early leaders in his religion were probably as deep and esoteric as me. However, I did not feel the same “vibes” from those in charge today. I craved discussing the mysteries of his religion, but aside from Matt I did not feel I connected to that many people in the congregation, with the exception of his bishop and one young woman whose father had caused the only major argument Matt and I had ever had. That of course was all in the past but the religion thing …that faced me daily. I attended church with Matt to support him, as well as having the children grounded in his beliefs. Maybe it seems odd, but I wanted them to grow up more like Matt than me; not that I did not like myself, quite the contrary, but with my special ways of thinking came certain challenges that I was unsure I wanted my children to face.
To top off that irony, without my really noticing at first, Nicole had started thinking in reference to spiritual matters. One day, a couple of months after the birth of her daughter, I noticed her staring in the mirror. She looked at herself, assuming different poses. I came up from behind, put my arms around her, and asked, “What are you doing my love?” She continued to look in the mirror and then sighed, “Melanie, I just found a gray hair, I feel so…old.” I stroked her hair and said, “Oh come on, you aren’t old! We are both only 27! Maybe you are just tired because your body has not fully recovered from childbirth.” Nicole took my hand and responded, “Melanie, we are young now, but not as young as we used to be, and every day we are getting older. Think about it, Matt is almost 50. He may live a long life, but he will most certainly die before us. Then it will be just us…the children will all be grown and having their own kids and it will be you and I.”
I wanted to cheer her up so I laughed and responded, “Well Nicole, we will be alone together but I cannot think of anyone I would like to live the rest of my life with.” At that, Nicole shed a tear, “I love you too Melanie, and I love Matt, but eventually there will only be one of us, alone and old…and lonely.” I was rather confused at the direction of the discussion. I was silent for a moment and gently took her in my arms and looked in her eyes, before giving her a re-assuring, yet romantic kiss, and said, “Gosh, you are really deep today, but I do love you.” As we kissed I briefly opened my eyes and saw another little tear fall. When I pulled back a moment I asked, “Why don’t we go into the bedroom?” She sighed and shook her head, “That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?” I laughed, “That’s not what I meant! Please come with me.”
Nicole and I sat on the bed and I asked, “Can you tell me what is bothering you?” She resumed the topic, “Melanie, do you think we will all be together in the next existence?” I was caught totally off guard…Nicole was not one to break into a religious discussion in the middle of the day. My baby was asleep in the crib, and the other children were playing, so I engaged her in conversation asking, “Why would we not be together?”
Nicole was silent a moment and asked, “I am not sure. I’m sometimes scared we will be punished for our sins in the next life. I have been reading through some of Matt’s books on religion and I have…” I interrupted her and said, “Look Nicole, if you are talking about our past killings, we never killed anyone who did not deserve it – except for self-preservation.” Nicole nodded her head in agreement and then went silent. I continued, “Is something else wrong?” She responded, “Have you ever thought that what we do might…well, disqualify us in some way from…” I again interrupted, maybe a bit more angry or frustrated, “What, we will be punished for our relationship?” Nicole shrugged her shoulders in silence. I quickly responded, “Come on Nicole, where in the Old Testament does it condemn love between women? Sure, there is something in the New Testament that questions it, but that is concerning women turning away from childbirth. We are living the commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth,” and that’s what is important! Maybe there were a lot of women in those Biblical hero’s harems who were like us – and if so what difference did it make as long as they had children? Besides, one guy alone couldn’t keep a dozen women satisfied, could he?”
Nicole sighed again and took my hand, “Maybe you are right. Please, don’t think that I am questioning our love.” I responded, “I did not think you were questioning our relationship. You and I are going to be together – always!” Nicole smiled and asked, “Can you check on the kids and then get back here and lock the door?” I knew what that meant and was more than happy to comply.
We stole a rare moment in the middle of the day for intimacy. Aging had always frightened me, and even while sharing our passions together in those moments I could not escape the thoughts she had planted in my mind even as we made hot, passionate love that humid August day. I did not feel that I looked older, not really, and Nicole was still in great shape, with maybe only a slight less firmness in her body than she had when we originally exchanged vows. I still saw her as beautiful and young. Yet when we came to a rest, drenched in sweat and trying to catch our breath, it was only a moment later that two of the children could be heard fighting in the living room over the TV. Nicole looked at me, sighed and grabbed her bathrobe before rushing down to see what was going on.
I stretched out and fell into deep thought while looking out the window on what had turned out to be a gorgeous August day. As I stared at the sky my mind returned to a state of innermost reflection, the same as the day I was staring out the window on a gorgeous spring day just before being kidnapped by Vincent and almost having everything I cherished come to an end. I felt lucky to be back in my home, and together with Nicole. I only wished Matt was with us at that moment, but he would return from Japan soon – then he would take his vacation time. Suddenly my moment of tranquility was shattered when Nicole called out, “Melanie, I could use some help down here!”
I decided to be a bit playful, maybe provocative, and I neglected to get dressed as I came down the stairs. She was alone in the kitchen. I noticed the kids were watching TV in the living room so I went in and sat down on the couch and asked what they were watching. Whatever fight had taken place seemed to have been resolved, so I stretched out on the couch and relaxed. Yet just as I got comfortable Nicole called me into the kitchen with that, “Melanie, can I speak with you for a moment?”
I skipped into the kitchen and asked, “What’s up?” I did not expect what was about to come. Nicole folded her arms and asked, in a frustrated tone, “Melanie, we have talked about this before, I don’t think it is a good idea for you to be running around the house naked in front of the kids.” I started to laugh and rolled my eyes, to which she continued the chastisement, “Come on, the kids are getting older and just the other day Lilith started unbuttoning my shirt and looking inside while I was on the computer. She’s old enough now that it’s inappropriate! Look, I do not mind nudity, you know that, but maybe not when the kids are awake.”
I tried to use humor to defuse the tension, “Oh come on Nicole, I have a job in the legislature where I have to be dressed formally and act conservatively every moment of the day. You’re saying I can’t just let everything hang out at home?” Nicole did not seem amused and started putting away the dishes from the washer in a huff. I sighed and continued, “Nicole, lots of people in Portland know who I am now. It’s not like you and I can run to Rooster Rock or Bagby Hot Springs or any place nearby and be natural. I do feel a bit confined as it is.” Nicole started putting silverware away and made it a point to toss them in the drawer and then slam the door. I again sighed and said, “Okay Nicole, maybe you win…we can talk about this later. I guess I can go get dressed and give the kids a reading lesson.”
At that Nicole slammed the washer shut, hard enough that I think a glass shattered, and then growled, “Wait just a minute…you stay right there!” I wondered what was up.
I found out soon enough when she walked over to me and stared in my eyes, “I have been doing everything today. I made breakfast and you played with the kids. I cleaned up and vacuumed the floors, and what did you do? You went and watched some cartoon with them. Then, after all that, we made love…now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate our moments together, but then I want a little bit of help! It seems that lately, when you aren’t in Salem having fun in the legislature you are either playing with the kids or demanding all my free time. I want some changes around here!”
I realized real fast that my being naked was not the real issue. Apparently Nicole was feeling used, but I felt that she should hear my side first. I leaned against the cabinet and folded my arms, “Nicole, it is not all play in Salem! It’s hard work and takes me away from the kids. I also was in session while pregnant with Magdalena. I may be out of session but I still have legislative duties I have to perform – and besides, it was not that long ago that I was taken from my children…I still yearn to be with them every spare moment I have.”
Nicole responded, “I do not mind you spending time with them, but I need a little bit of assistance. Matt is away from home two weeks each month and then works full time when he is in Portland. When he does get home he immediately jumps in and helps with the household. I love your companionship, but I need help, okay? We have seven children here all under five years old and I sometimes feel like I am taking care of eight children!” I jumped in, “Matt does not deserve to be called a child.” At that Nicole screamed, “I am talking about you, not Matt!” She hit her fist against the cabinet and started crying. She motioned me to come to her, which I did with some apprehension, and she put her arms around me, “Melanie, I am so sorry. I love you to death but I have been repressing this for a long time. I know you work hard, but I do too keeping the household together. And…last month I was late on my cycle. It was a false alarm but I was terrified I was pregnant. I cannot handle you or I bringing any more kids into this household unless we get some things straightened out.”
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