I said it would be okay and that. I also decided I would go ahead and go out into nature. She then volunteered to make breakfast but as she was leaving the room she turned and said, “I am sorry for being so boring right now but this time of month wipes me out physically. I hope you can tolerate this in the future.” I laughed and said, “Well, when my system returns totally to normal I hope you can do likewise.” She smiled and said she would call me when she had finished with breakfast.
I got up and got dressed in my hiking clothes. I came out and noticed Katja had just finished cooking up sausages and I came up behind her and gave her a hug. She sat the food down and gave me a kiss and said, “I love you so much Melanie, I am happier now than any time in my life.” I returned her affection and we just held each other a moment.
Just as I left the apartment my mobile rang. I answered and it was Dr. Hodge, “Hello Melanie, where are you?” I wondered what he was talking about until he said, “You did get the email, didn’t you?” I asked what mail and his tone took an unusual, almost abrasive, tone, “You are kidding me, right? You were supposed to be the keynote speaker at the Portland Republican Women’s seminar! I mailed you last Monday!” I apologized and said I had not been feeling well. He seemed to calm down a bit and said, “Okay, I understand, but you have to pull yourself together. I know things have been stressful but you have responsibilities nonetheless. Are you absolutely sure you cannot make it?” I said I was and he was silent a moment. He asked, “Do you need someone to talk to? I am a psychologist after all.” I responded, “So am I. Look, I am sorry, but I will make sure this does not happen again.” He took on an almost compassionate tone after that and said that he would fix the problem with the meeting and repeated that he was there for me if I needed anything.
Just as he said goodbye I was struck with a sudden inspiration. I quickly said, “Wait a minute.” He replied, “Yes?” I may have been insane but an idea appeared in my mind. I asked, “What time does it start?” He said it was at noon. I said, “So that gives me three hours. Good. I’ll be there.” He seemed overjoyed as he asked, “Are you sure? I can try to find someone else if necessary.” I assured him I would be there and he wished me luck.
I was disappointed not to be able to go into nature that day but I immediately jumped in my car and headed out to find a place to buy a more appropriate outfit – I figured cutoffs, hiking boots and a cut-off t-shirt would not do. I found a semi-exclusive clothing store that was open and I went in, leaving my sunglasses on. Just as the time I was in Idaho after Bethany’s death a woman about my age greeted me and did not let me out of her sight. I thought that ironic since it would be hard to shoplift anything wearing what I had on. I soon found a conservative-looking blue, long-sleeved blouse and matching skirt, one that extended to the knees. I tried them on – perfect fit. I sat them aside and looked at shoes until I found something nice but not too expensive-looking. I then found a thick blue silk scarf.
I took all the items to the check stand and as she rang up my total I pulled out a wad of bills, mostly consisting of ones and fives but others of higher denominations, although I left the money earned in the performance with Katja at the apartment. I stacked the various bills on the counter until I had the necessary amount. I could tell what she was thinking so as she handed me my receipt I commented, “Ironic I have to get naked to earn money to buy clothes.” She replied with an embarrassed, “Uh okay.” and I took off, laughing as I left the store.
I drove to an isolated park, went into the rest room and proceeded to change. Once I was dressed in my new outfit I carefully took the scarf and fashioned it as a woman from the Middle East would. This concealed my new hairstyle and I headed off to the luncheon.
I soon arrived at the golf course that the meeting was to be held. I told the man at the gate who I was and he let me drive through. I looked around at the pot-bellied men dragging their golf clubs around and was glad Matt was not into such an absurd sport. I found the dining hall and was greeted at the door by a middle-aged woman I had never met. She escorted me to my seat and soon a waitress came over to ask what I would like to have. I suppose I had been working too long at the club as I looked at her and half-expected her to have no shirt on, as would be the case at the stripper club. I smiled and made my order and soon was feasting on a nice meal and trying to make conversation with women who seemed so phony in their expensive clothes and jewelry. I actually felt a sense of superiority to them as I wondered how many of their husbands found illicit pleasure in places like I worked, where women were in a way just as fake, but willing to expose themselves for profit, rather than use the profits of their husbands to impress each other.
When it was my turn to speak I thanked my audience and then pointed to the scarf on my head. I then said that if the political party were to succeed it had to realize that there were many people out there whose lives were foreign to upper-middle class norms. I made reference to Muslims and my scarf, noting that I was not Muslim but asking if these women found it harder to relate to me due to the way I had dressed this day. Surprisingly they seemed receptive to my message, and as I worked this audience I realized there was little difference between giving a group of sex-starved men what they desired to see and giving this group, or any group, what it wanted. And at the end I not only had a standing ovation but promises of campaign contributions – it was like getting tips, but more socially approved.
As I left I knew I did not have time to go to the mountains but I headed for Multnomah Falls at least. I needed some time to reflect so I changed and found a spot next to the falls to sit. It was nice how the sound of the water crashing on the rocks drowned out everything. I relaxed and lost myself in contemplation of my life. Here I was a legislator, psychologist, author, mother, wife...I had everything and more. Yet who was I really? Was I deluding myself? I came close to prostituting myself after Bethany died, I enjoyed many of the aspects of the counterculture, I had no remorse whatsoever in cheating on Nicole and Matt with Katja and I had found myself actually beginning to enjoy my new job…and yet I loved politics. What was my destiny really? Was I forever to be pulled between respectability and the profane? How much could I get away with? In fact, for an agonizing few seconds I contemplated if perhaps my children had inherited who I was, and maybe my presence would just insure they would wind up as me. I shook off those thoughts! The only thing that separated those women at the country club and the ones at the sex club was circumstances. If I could transcend both worlds and come out ahead I was all the better for it.
Suddenly I was startled by a couple walking up the trail. They greeted me as they passed and that seemed to snap me out of my soul-searching. I realized that I had indeed accomplished a great deal – and I had brought intelligent children into the world in a loving environment. I would just have to make sure they knew how much I loved them and, hopefully, with Matt’s influence they would be grounded in a social network that would give them a strong sense of morality and enable them to have happy lives, and never be in a position of vulnerability like the women I was currently working with. However, for them to have those happy lives I had to make sure they were safe. For that, nobody was better suited than me to erase all those who threatened that. And feeling that sense of defender, and author of my own visions of what was appropriate, I gained the strength to finally make up my mind in regards to Katja. I would integrate her into my family – the only obstacles would be Nicole and Matt. I laughed to myself, confident nobody could hear my outburst, mixed with excitement over the idea of having this young woman as another friend and companion in life. I only hoped Nicole would not see her as a threat to our relationship, and as for Matt…I just figured that he was a man and should appreciate his wife giving him such a beautiful gift; an early Christmas present so to speak.
As I hiked back to the car, contemplating my decision, I began to feel lonely; I missed my girlfriend, and hoped she was up to going out for a date. When I got home I opened the door and called out to her. She qu
ickly came out of the spare room, locked the door and skipped over to embrace me. It was only around 5pm and she had not expected me home so soon. I asked what she wanted to do for the evening and she asked if we could just go for a romantic walk together. I surprised her when I said, “Okay, I don’t work this evening so let’s go to the ocean.” She laughed and said, “Yes, that would be fabulous. Let me grab my camera and we can be off.”
When we reached Astoria it was nearly 7pm. We headed south for a while and came to a little beach where there were no other people. It was a splendid evening – no wind and a clear sky. The sun was beginning to dip over the horizon and we stopped to look over the ocean. I noticed a little shell next to my foot and I reached for it, brushed off the sand, and handed it to Katja. I asked, “Katja, promise me that in ten years or so, when we are walking down this very beach, that we can find a shell just like this and you can give it to me.” Katja began to cry and said that we could make it a tradition. We found a little area and sat down to watch the sunset finally disappear over the horizon and I asked, “Katja, I have a complicated life. Are you absolutely sure you want to be part of it? I mean, you don’t know all that much about me yet.” She put her arm around me and rested her head, “Melanie, as long as you and I are together I can deal with anything that involves.” I then said, “Okay, you are now officially stuck with me.” She responded in her girlish voice, “Okay…I guess that means we are engaged, right?” I responded, “Well, in a sense…I would call it married if that is what you would like.” She grabbed me in an embrace and in her excitement yelled, “Thank you Melanie! I will make sure you are happy all your life.”
As we rested there on our backs, watching the first stars beginning to appear, Katja said, “If only we could just stay here for the next several days.” I reminded her I was scheduled for work the next evening and she said she wished I did not have to do the performance. I asked, “Does it bother you that I will be with another woman?” She sighed, “No, it’s for the greater good. Just try to pretend it is me you are actually with.” She then laughed, “Better yet, just make it look good but promise not to enjoy it.” I gave her a kiss and wondered if that is how she would see Nicole someday.
We decided to sleep on the beach and so we retrieved some blankets from my trunk and spent the rest of the evening wrapped up together and just talking about life – sometimes in such esoteric terms that I almost expected to see auras forming over our heads. Later we just held each other. Katja fell asleep in my arms. The moonlight illuminated her face as a warm breeze softly blew through her hair. That image, coupled with the sound of the surf in the background, touched me in some indescribable way. I was confident that Katja would be grafted into my life in some way and that if there was any purpose, any love in the universe that nothing would take this girl away from me.
The next morning Katja and I awoke and headed back to Portland. While in the car Katja looked at her shell and said, “Remember – ten years from now we have to repeat this trip.” I assured her we would.
When we arrived home I changed and went for a long run. When I returned Katja again yelled out to wait before she came out of the room and shut the door. I was curious as to what she was doing but decided to have patience. We spent the rest of the day just lounging around and while I wished I could share more of my personal life with her I still had to see how permanent this relationship would be. Of course, while I enjoyed Katja’s company immensely, I was nervously watching the time get closer and closer to my moment of truth. When it finally came time for me to get ready and leave for work Katja asked me to hold her. She did not want to release me but I said I had to leave because if I didn’t all of our progress towards uncovering the truth would come to an abrupt stop. She finally let go and again asked me to resist feeling anything good. As I left I assured her she had nothing to worry about, but little did I realize just how events were going to play out that evening...and how disturbing the next few hours were going to be.
Chapter 13
As I got into Katja’s car and turned on the ignition the reality that I was going to put myself through another degrading ordeal really hit home. My anger grew towards whoever was responsible for forcing me into such a drastic action, yet so did my commitment. Someone was certainly going to pay dearly for this. As I got closer and closer to the club I assumed they would pair me off with Tiffanie. I figured that at least I kind of liked her and it would not be so bad. However, it was depressing to realize something special, the fact that I had only been intimate with people I had developed strong feelings for, was about to end. This evening would merely be another assault on my already cracked self-image.
When I walked in I noticed Aslan was at the entrance. He greeted me and I him. I then asked, “So, where is Tiffanie? I would like to meet with her before our appearance.” Aslan looked puzzled and said, “She does not work Tuesdays. Go back to the changing area. Nazir wants to talk to you.” I did as he asked and Nazir was waiting. He smiled and greeted me, “Good evening Amber. You will be going on in fifteen minutes. My guests are not into any fantasy theme so just undress and go in. I will be there in a minute.”
As I put my things away I became a bit anxious as to who would be my partner – after all, while it was part of an act I of course would never forget the experience as one cannot truly erase something so unusual, or so intimate, from one’s memory. Maybe it was the girl who I had danced with earlier with the Eurasian looks. I guessed I would soon find out.
I headed to the performance room with only the car keys. I had to walk through the bar to get to the special door and of course I caught the gaze of all the patrons. And when I came to the door and turned the knob I discovered it was locked. There were three overweight men sitting at the front table having drinks. I had to sit at the foot of the stage and wait, while these guys just stared at me – especially the largest one who was so disgustingly obese he reminded me of Sheriff Murdock. A few moments later Nazir approached with of all people, Alexa who was also nude. He opened the door and said, “Go up to the stage!” and held the door open for us. Then, just to compound my hatred of this moment, the three obese guys who had been sitting at the table turned out to be the featured guests!
Alexa looked me over and grinned. I absolutely could not believe she was the one I would have to be with – and have to pretend to like! She suddenly gave me a smirk and approached me, “Look, these men…they been here before. They like it spicy. Don’t mess it up, they tip really well, bitch!” Her heavy accent and insult just compounded my misery. I would not want to so much as give her a back rub, much less anything more special, but right then I had to summon up every bit of acting ability I had – and courage – to make this convincing.
Alexa certainly did not help when she pushed me onto the bed-like stage, onto my back and proceeded to start the act. I did my best to follow her lead, to convey a sense of enjoyment, but after a few minutes I left my body in an autopilot mode, attempting to just go with the flow. It was somewhat surreal for those minutes up there. Yet I tried to make it good for both of us. Later, after what seemed to have been a half hour Alexa took me in an embrace and seemed to be trying to convey some genuine feelings, some gentleness. At that moment I thought maybe she might not be so bad a person and what followed was, in my world, as deep and pleasurable as any experience with Katja. I relaxed and enjoyed her dominating play. I even thought maybe I had misjudged her as we seemed to melt into each other. Time passed and I almost forgot the people paying to watch what was beginning to feel more like an act of genuine sharing. Yet maybe after a half hour more passed, and I could sense the hour was coming to a close, Alexa positioned herself so our eyes were no more than a few inches apart from one-another. She smiled and began to kiss me with violent passion. She whispered in my ear, “Almost done, do not mess this up.” She then placed her mouth on my neck and began the painful process of leaving a bruise – or if done in affection, a hickie. I tensed up and put my hand on the back of her head, hoping s
he would soon stop, but trying to make it look as though I was obtaining as much pleasure from this as I had from everything to that point. Suddenly I felt her teeth pierce my skin! She had placed her hand on my mouth so as to muffle my shriek of pain. I struggled to pull away but to no avail. She whispered, “Stop fighting bitch! This vampire thing is hot. Lay back…almost done!” I really had no choice. She sucked on my neck for a moment and then whispered, “Your blood taste okay.” She then jumped up, reached for my hand and helped me up. She motioned for me to bow, as if we were in some dramatic play and the three men began to laugh and applaud. As we approached them I touched my neck and then looked at my hand, there were faint traces of blood staining my fingers. It seemed this little monster had a blood fetish. Yet at that moment I did not really feel that much anger for her – maybe because of what I had believed I shared with her a few moments earlier.
Nazir motioned for me to come over to him and he said, “That was fantastic Amber, I may pair you two up from now on.” I did not argue with him but I was not too keen on thinking about that prospect just then. Nazir said, “Go sit with them. Don’t worry, if they touch you I will throw them out.” So for the next hour Alexa and I sat together and mingled with the guests. One guy suggested Alexa wear fangs for the next performance. She smirked and asked, “You would like me to drain her?” The obese guy next to him laughed, “Every last drop!” and Alexa laughed and began to caress me in a provocative manner I thought was reserved for the stage. She laughed, “I guess I could drink her dry. I get both tips then!” The men laughed and joked but I for one did not find anything amusing, except for my fantasy of being back in Vincent’s basement with all four of these people tied up and me with a machete!
Descent Into Darkness Page 20