Wait a second. Watching the bubbles roll as Ashleigh crafted her next message made her anxious. Did Ashleigh feel the energy too? Was it all one-sided? Did it make her uncomfortable? Was Ashleigh about to tell her to back off? Fuck, she hoped not. She was enjoying their flirtation too much and found herself constantly wanting more, not less. Finally, the message came: Are you busy with Olivia from 4C? Before Kellan could respond, there was another text: I can let you go. Although…seems unfair that you’re having all the fun while I’m home alone.
An enormous smile spread across her face. Ashleigh was being playful. And this was definite flirting. “It’s on, Blue. It is on.”
I think you’re jealous. Kellan grinned as she typed it.
Ashleigh’s response was quick. That’s not an answer. I can let you go if you’re busy…
Settle down. Just me and Blue here. He’s out cold. Kellan flopped on the king-size bed, and Blue picked his head up at the disturbance. She snapped a picture of him by her feet and dropped it into the thread as proof.
So not the pic I was hoping for.
Be specific and you may be rewarded. Too bold? The heck with it, she hit send.
How about a tat I haven’t seen? I’m sure there’s more than just your arms.
You first.
Ashleigh answered, You promised :(
She hadn’t promised anything—she’d only said maybe. But she loved where this was going too much to split hairs over the semantics. Kellan lifted her shirt and flexed, trying for a good angle as she took a picture of the design that covered her left hip and part of her abdomen. She sent it through immediately, but at the same time Ashleigh must have been capturing her own body art because the text that bounced onto the chain first was a picture of a heart with purple flowers and some kind of Celtic artistry surrounding it. More importantly, the tattoo she was looking at was just above Ashleigh’s bikini line. She was a little bit speechless. Thank God the bubbles meant Ashleigh was typing.
What are you doing right now?
Kellan decided on pure honesty. Looking at your tattoo. Thinking about a shower. She waited a minute to send the next message. A cold one.
There was silence for a solid thirty seconds, and Kellan felt her heart race from both the excitement of the exchange and the fear she’d gone too far.
Are you mad we left the bar? Ashleigh’s text was decidedly tame, but she went with it.
Not at all. I had fun tonight. Do you wish we’d stayed?
There was only one thing I wished for that didn’t happen.
Kellan waited for more of an explanation, but when none came, she knew she had to step up. She was curious what was going on in Ashleigh’s head, but she also wanted to say something nice and vague and low pressure. And that would be… It seemed to cover all the bases. She pressed send before she could overthink it.
I wanted you to kiss me.
It hung there for only a second, and she wondered if just a few miles away Ashleigh’s heart was pounding as hard as hers. She didn’t even have to think about her response.
I wanted to kiss you.
Why didn’t you?
It was a great question, but one she didn’t really have an answer for. You could come over. I promise to kiss you now.
If I come over, we won’t stop at kissing.
And that would be bad because…
We shouldn’t, Ashleigh answered.
Right. Kellan hit send, but she didn’t really understand why they were holding back at this point. Why exactly?
Instead of answering Ashleigh responded with: Are you in bed?
“Here we go, Blue. At least I think…” Yes, she typed quickly, her pulse pounding like crazy.
I think about kissing you a lot. I’m imagining it right now.
In these thoughts…do we do anything else? Or just kiss?
We do it all.
Boom. It was all the encouragement Kellan needed. When you think about us, do you do anything?
There were bubbles, then none. And then bubbles again. Picking up on Ashleigh’s nerves, she mentally ran through a set of responses that might put her at ease. But then the answer appeared before she could say anything.
Sometimes.
What about right now? Kellan asked.
At the moment I’m just thinking about it.
I think about you too, she said, hoping her honesty would relax Ashleigh.
You do?
I do. She went all in. I imagine you here, with me. On the couch. In the bed. Being inside you. Making you come. She pictured Ashleigh sliding a hand over her flower tattoo, reaching down and touching herself as she thought about Kellan. It made her hard and desperate for contact. But she would wait. For now, Ashleigh was her sole focus. Is it okay to say that? she asked. Even though it seemed Ashleigh was into it, the last thing she wanted to do was make her uncomfortable.
Yes.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Kellan was in the midst of coming up with another message, something to convey how attracted she was, both to Ashleigh’s mind and her body, how often she thought about being with her, but her train of thought was interrupted with a new message.
We should probably go to sleep. It’ll be a long day tomorrow.
It was a rapid downshift, but Kellan considered it entirely possible Ashleigh wanted both hands free. On the other hand, it was also possible she was freaking out.
We good? she asked.
Uh, very.
Whew. Ok, then. I’ll see you in the morning. She could have left it there, but there was no fun in that. Plus, she wanted Ashleigh to know the effect she’d had on her. Good night, Ash. I’ll be thinking of you.
The one-word response was immediate and absolutely perfect: Same.
* * *
“How come you never talk about the Army?”
Kellan laughed out loud at Ashleigh’s random question. The whole day had been this easy. There had never been any weirdness about the fact that they dabbled in some light sexting the night before, and if Ashleigh felt awkward, it didn’t show. In fact, they hadn’t discussed it at all. Which was fine, except that Kellan couldn’t stop thinking about it. And she found herself overanalyzing every last thing. Starting from when Ashleigh thanked her with a kiss on the cheek for picking up her favorite blend from Brooklyn Beanery, right through every little touch as they rode the train and the ferry to Fire Island.
“No reason.” Kellan tried to stay focused. She kept her eyes closed as she stretched out on Aunt Holly’s beach towel. “What do you want to know?”
“I don’t know, really. I was just thinking how you know all this stuff about my life. My marriage, my divorce. My insecurities about both. I don’t know very much about yours. It feels, I don’t know, selfish.” Ashleigh paused for a second and looked over at her. “Do I talk too much?”
“No. I like hearing about your life.” She touched her stomach to feel the warmth of the sun against her fingertips. “If it makes you feel better, though, you can ask me anything you want. I’m an open book.”
“For real? Anything?”
She heard Ashleigh giggle and turned her head just to sneak a look at her beautiful face, but the sun was so bright she had to use her hand to shield her eyes. “Oh, boy, should I be worried?”
Ashleigh shifted from lying on her back to her belly, and Kellan tried not to stare at her gorgeous body covered only by a small black bikini. Ashleigh rested her chin in her hands, seeming to take in their surroundings, before giving Kellan her attention.
“Did you put sunblock on?” she asked.
Kellan snickered. “That’s your big burning question? Wow. I expected more.”
Ashleigh flicked her with one finger.
“Ow!”
“Serves you right.” Ashleigh did it again. “I’m trying to look out for you.”
“Stop flicking me.” She made sure to keep the levity in her tone. She didn’t really want her to stop. She would take any kind of contact from Ashleigh, a
nd she wondered if Ashleigh knew it. “I’m inclined to get tan instead of burning, if you must know. But for your information, I did put sunscreen on before I left the apartment. Did you?”
“I did. I should probably reapply soon.” She said it under her breath, and even though Kellan wanted to offer her assistance, it felt like a cheesy line. “Can I really ask you anything?” Ashleigh said.
“Sure.” She settled into the sand and closed her eyes, a little worried that Ashleigh would see right into her heart if she kept them open. “What’s on your mind?”
Ashleigh rustled next to her and she wondered if she was repositioning again. “When was the last time you had a girlfriend?”
“A true girlfriend? Or just someone I was casually seeing?”
“I don’t know. Both, I guess. Start with real girlfriend, first.”
“Hmm. A few years ago. I was stationed on a really large base. It had hospital facilities. I dated a doctor for a while.”
“Ooh, a doctor. Fancy.”
“Yeah, well. She was crazy. Don’t get too excited.”
Ashleigh laughed. It was so smooth and sweet. She could listen to it all day.
“I should be nicer,” she said. “She wasn’t totally crazy. She was just a lot to take.”
“In what way?”
“She was super possessive. Like, she didn’t ever want me to even have a conversation with anyone else.”
“You were probably flirting.” Ashleigh lightly kicked her shin with the tip of her toe. First a flick with a finger, and now a nudge with her foot. Ashleigh had to know the kind of effect these little touches had on her. Especially after last night. Sure, it had all been in good fun, but still, she’d admitted being attracted to Ashleigh.
“I wasn’t, though.” Kellan got defensive and she propped up on her elbows. “That’s why it was frustrating. I don’t do that.” She looked right at Ashleigh, intent on making her point. “I don’t cheat or flirt. Not if we’re dating. If I’m with you, I’m with you. That’s it. But Jessica, geez, she was relentless.”
She leaned all the way forward to stretch and was surprised when she felt Ashleigh’s hand on her back. It was different than their previous contact. Where the other touches were playful, this was sincere. Soft.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit a nerve.”
She allowed herself to indulge in Ashleigh’s smooth fingertips on her bare skin, hoping to commit the feeling to memory before lying back down. She turned on her side so she could see Ashleigh and assure her they were fine. “You didn’t. It’s all good.” She was happy her voice didn’t reveal the desire she felt at Ashleigh’s small comfort. “We were together for about eight months, me and Jess,” she said, falling back into the conversation. “Last I heard, she got married.”
“She was the last person you dated? A few years ago.” Ashleigh turned too, tucking both arms under her head like a pillow as they lay face to face.
“Jessica was the last person I would consider a real girlfriend, yes.”
“Since then, just casual dating?”
“There’s a woman in Colorado I had kind of had a steady hookup with. Mary Beth Jensen. But it’s seemed to fizzle since I’ve been home. I don’t know why but it’s probably for the best, I suppose.”
“Why do you say that? That it’s for the best.”
“I don’t know.” She dusted some sand off her board shorts. “I’ve known Mary Beth since high school. But we were just friends back then. She dated men. Still does, I think. She got divorced about ten years ago. After that she started working at one of the restaurants at the resort. I think she didn’t date much because she had three little kids when she and her husband split, and I guess she was just trying to get by. You know, working and being a good mom and stuff. Anyway, we were catching up one night when I was home on a furlough. Mostly reminiscing, but then one thing led to another. It was easy. Nice. It became kind of a regular thing when I was in Vail.”
“But you didn’t consider her your girlfriend?”
“Honestly, I haven’t been home that often over the years. There have been times an entire year would pass. I didn’t expect her to hold out for me.” She ran her hand across the patch of sand between their towels. “The truth is, while we had a nice time together, it was never anything that deep. Hardly a relationship.” She couldn’t make eye contact. “You think less of me for that?”
Ashleigh’s hand covered hers. “Of course not. Why would you say that?”
“I don’t know. Hearing it out loud, it sounded a little cavalier.”
“It didn’t.” Ashleigh pulled her hand back and immediately Kellan missed her touch. “But you said it’s not happening anymore? You and Mary Beth?”
“The dynamic changed, now that I was home for good. I think that’s why I don’t feel bad. See, when I was only in town every so often for these short bursts of time, there was no pressure. For either of us. We had fun together. We like each other. Then I’d be gone again. She would go on with her life. I would go on with mine. But now, being home for good, it’s like we both want more, expect more, even, but not from each other. And that made it weird. That balance we had was all askew. The good news is we both felt it, so there were no hard feelings. We still chat when we see each other at work or in town.”
“When was the last time you had sex?”
“With Mary Beth?” If the words weren’t telling on their own, her tone revealed the truth that Mary Beth had not been her most recent hookup. She wished she could take it back, but the question had caught her completely off guard, and the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
Ashleigh broke eye contact, nodding as she focused on the hem of her beach towel, her face revealing an expression Kellan couldn’t read. “That was what I meant.” She hung her head.
“April,” she whispered. “When I got home.” With one finger she lifted Ashleigh’s chin so their eyes met. “Ash, it matters what you think of me.” So much more than it should. “I never set out to date casually. But with the Army, I moved around so much. It was hard to form lasting connections.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation. I would never judge you or your life. Christ, look at the mess I made of my own.”
“Stop. Your life isn’t a mess.”
“I’m going to be thirty-eight and I live with my parents. Not where I thought I’d be at this point.”
“But is it so bad? Your parents sound nice. And hey, if it’s any consolation, I live with my parents too.”
“You do?”
“I have a suite at the resort. It’s basically an apartment, but on their premises. So in a way…”
“That is not the same. And you know it.” Ashleigh rolled her eyes and flopped back on the towel, but the spirit had come back into her tone. “So since it obviously wasn’t Mary Beth, are you going to tell me about the last person you slept with?”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” she said, matching Ashleigh’s lively voice. Her stomach dropped in spite of her charade. This was the last thing she wanted to be talking with Ashleigh about. Kellan rolled onto her back.
“Boo.” She felt Ashleigh’s hand on her arm. “How am I supposed to live vicariously through you without the details?”
“Kinda thought we were working on that last night,” she said, finally bringing it up. Ashleigh let out a squeal, and when Kellan looked over she was covering her face. “Stop.” She reached for her arm to pull it away. “Don’t be embarrassed. Last night was hot. And fun.”
“A little mortifying.” Ashleigh’s voice came out muffled though her hands.
“Do you really feel that way?” she asked.
Ashleigh turned to her. “I never did anything like that before.”
“I wanted to keep going. Thinking about you…doing that.” She wanted to keep it light so Ashleigh wouldn’t overthink it all. “Picturing me. It turned me on.” Fuck, she was all in now. No mincing words.
“It did?”
“Of course.
” It was now or never, and without even thinking about it, Kellan knew she was going for it. “I’m attracted to you. I think you know that. I think about you a lot.”
“I think about you too. Obviously.” She heard nerves in Ashleigh’s voice but was unsure how to calm them. It didn’t matter—Ashleigh continued talking. “I just think we shouldn’t necessarily act on that attraction.”
“Can I ask why?” Kellan could hear her heart beat in her chest and hoped she didn’t sound too pushy, but she was genuinely curious.
Ashleigh started with a deep breath. “You’re leaving at the end of the summer. I’m not sure I can be like you or Mary Beth.”
“Ash—”
“I don’t mean that as a dig. I swear. I just mean…I don’t know. I’m not sure I could handle something so…unstructured. But I’m having such a good time with you. Exploring the city. Days like this.” Her eyes scanned the beach. “I don’t want that to end or be awkward or anything. I’m enjoying being with you”—she slipped her hand into Kellan’s—“and touching you. It makes me happy.” She squeezed Kellan’s hand a little. “If that’s frustrating or not what you want, I understand.”
When Ashleigh started to pull her hand away, Kellan stopped her. “Hey, that’s fine.”
“You’re sure?” Ashleigh tucked a long piece of hair behind her ear. “I don’t want to hold you back. Honest. Women ogle you all the time. I know I tease you about that, but I don’t want to get in your way.”
“You’re not in my way. I like being with you. If this is what you want”—she lifted their joined hands and gestured back and forth between them—“whatever this is, is fine.” Her laugh was genuine and came from deep in her belly. “If you want to text me late at night…I’m here for that too.” She didn’t really know what she was signing up for, but she wasn’t ready to let Ashleigh go in any capacity. She would be whatever Ashleigh needed her to be. She channeled everything she was feeling into her smile and pulled Ashleigh up off the towel. “But we have got to eat. Because it’s been hours, and you know I’m starving.”
For the rest of the afternoon, they ambled through Cherry Grove and the Pines, openly holding hands as they talked and laughed and fawned over the friendliest deer they had ever seen. When they hit the dock near sunset, it was so crowded with folks waiting to watch the sun go down that they had to really work to get a good view.
Brooklyn Summer Page 12