‘Mum, no!’ Hands on my arms, scrabbling at me, trying to pull me off her. ‘Don’t. Mum, don’t!’
Ava. My Ava. She’s dirty, snot- and tear-stained and her hair is lank and knotted, but her eyes are clear as she grabs my face.
‘You’re not a killer. Don’t let her make you a killer. I love you, Mum. Don’t do it.’
I stare into her eyes, so much like Jon’s but also, behind the facade of colour, in the depths of who she is, so much like mine. My baby.
‘Please, Mum,’ she says. ‘Please.’
I feel my grip loosen. Underneath me, Katie starts to cough as I let go, my arms unable to be so close to Ava and not hold her. I pull her to me and we cling to each other, crying into each other’s hair as I murmur, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, Mummy’s here now, it’s over, it’s over and from upstairs come voices, feet on stairs and I know we’re safe.
Katie tenses beneath me and attempts to push herself upright. I break free from Ava, and in one swift movement, punch her hard in the face. She doesn’t try to move again.
EPILOGUE
There are still nightmares. There will probably be nightmares for a long time, for all of them, but they are different now, and she reminds herself they are only dreams. Katie is locked away. Katie won’t escape and find them. They say Katie writes her letters, but she doesn’t read them. She’s told the prison staff to burn any correspondence. She has no interest in any of Katie’s words.
She is Charlotte again now and she finds she’s okay with that. This time the therapy has been good, although she finds it hard to let go of a lifetime of guilt and shame. They talk about her childhood a lot. They talk about Daniel. She cries.
When she’s not having nightmares about Katie looking for her, she still dreams of holding Daniel’s hand. She thinks the dreams are here to stay. But that’s okay too. He’s inside her and always will be but she’s made her peace with him. He’s gone and nothing can change that. It’s time to look forward. To live. To embrace new life. She has to try to be happy. She can be happy now. She has every right to be. Today, she is happy. Today she is filled with hope.
Ava, pale and beautiful and awestruck, is holding the baby, so tiny and fragile and new, and Charlotte thinks they are the two most beautiful creatures in the whole world, this young daughter of hers and her new child. They are her strength. They will always be her strength. Courtney has gone home from the hospital, somewhat shell-shocked and bewildered, but Charlotte thinks he’ll be okay. He’s a good boy and she has a feeling that, with enough help, he’ll be a good father. This baby will not be short of people to love him.
‘He’s beautiful,’ she says, tears stinging her eyes as she smiles at her daughter. Tears come easily these days. Funny how things change.
‘I brought Jelly Babies!’ The hospital room door opens, and Marilyn comes in, waving the bag of sweets with her functioning arm. It’s been a long road for her too, but she’s a fighter. She’s had to be. Her natural glow is returning, slowly. Her smile is no longer forced. She has nightmares too. Charlotte hears her cries in her sleep. After coming out of hospital it seemed natural for Marilyn to move in, and what was supposed to be a short-term arrangement has turned into an unspoken permanent one. Charlotte, Ava and Marilyn; an odd little family, but one she would not change. They are survivors together. They will survive this together. The rest of the world can wait. She knows Simon wants to take things further, but isn’t sure that will happen. Maybe one day. It will depend on his patience.
‘So, we’ve got a little man moving in with us,’ Charlotte says, sitting on the edge of the bed. She wriggles her finger into one of the baby’s tiny wrinkled hands, fascinated by the gorgeousness of him. There was never going to be an abortion. Ava couldn’t do it, and Charlotte wasn’t going to fight her decision. Another time and another life, maybe. But not hers or Ava’s.
‘Do you have a name yet?’ Marilyn asks. Charlotte looks up, curious. Ava’s kept her name choices close to her chest all through the pregnancy, not knowing if the baby was going to be a boy or a girl. Ava nods, sweaty hair clinging to her face.
‘Daniel,’ she says. ‘I want to call him Daniel.’
The baby’s tiny hand grips tight on Charlotte’s fingers, and her tears come hot and salty and fresh as he refuses to let go.
Daniel. It’s perfect.
Acknowledgements
Thanks as always to Veronique Baxter my agent at David Higham, and also Grainne Fox at Fletcher & co. You ladies rock – and stop me from rocking backward and forward too much! Big thanks to the entire team at HarperFiction UK, especially Jaime Frost, and of course, always, to my friend and editor extraordinaire – Natasha Bardon. Also big thanks to David Highfill at William Morrow in the US for loving the book so much and bringing me further into the global HarperCollins fold.
Thanks also to all my family and friends who spur me on and keep me going, and don’t care that I dress like a scruff and rarely change my dog-walking clothes all day. I owe you all wine.
Also by Sarah Pinborough
Behind Her Eyes
About the Author
Sunday Times No.1 bestseller Sarah Pinborough is the critically acclaimed and award-winning, adult and YA author. Her previous novel, Behind Her Eyes, has sold in 25 territories, been shortlisted for the Crime and Thriller Book of the Year at the British Book Awards and was a Sunday Times No.1 bestseller in hardback and paperback. She is also a screenwriter who has written for the BBC and has several original television projects in development.
Sarahpinborough.com
@SarahPinborough
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If you enjoyed Cross Her Heart, make sure you’ve read Behind Her Eyes, the phenomenal No. 1 bestseller from Sarah Pinborough:
Don’t Trust This Book
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Don’t Trust Yourself
And whatever you do, DON’T give away that ending…
Click here to buy Behind Her Eyes
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