by J. L. Beck
Her little body trembles, quaking with pleasure, and her eyes shine brighter than they ever have before.
Reaching the cliff’s edge, I hang on by my teeth, watching with amazement as she moves her hips furiously, seeking out a release that only I can give her.
“Fuck, I’m coming.” I roar, and it’s as if my words set her off. Placing her hands against my chest, she tilts her head back and bare’s down on me, tugging the release straight from my balls. It feels like heaven being inside of her, and as we both drift down from the high, I hold her tightly to my chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart against mine.
Protect her. Cherish her.
No, I don’t know her whole story yet, but I’ll figure it out. She’ll tell me when she’s ready.
14
Jude
It is dark when I come to, I’m in bed, but I don’t remember getting here. Looking at the bedside clock, I see it’s the early hours of the morning. A moment later, I realize I’m hugged up to Lex, curled against his chest, warm and cozy, and blissfully happy about it. But that is not a feeling I want. I don’t trust anyone or anything right now. Especially after he saw me with my mother and heard the awful details of the life I had so desperately wanted to leave behind.
I try to get up and scoot away without him noticing, but, looking at his face, I see he has likely been awake the whole time.
“You’re trying to get away? Really? After last night? You couldn’t get close enough to me while you were sleeping.” He chuckles, pleased with himself.
“That may have been a big mistake. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
“I bet you didn’t think it was a mistake when you were coming in my mouth.” He laughs now and reaches out to try to pull me back to him. But I’m not having it.
“I was confused last night after seeing my mom, all I wanted to do was forget about it. I just wanted to feel good for a few hours. To have something other than that horrible woman and that horrible experience to think about.”
Lex’s face falls, but I don’t want to lie to him. Sex with him is great, but what we did yesterday was nothing more than a distraction, or at least that’s what I’m going to continue to tell myself.
“Jude, what happened yesterday? What was all that? What happened to make you feel that strongly about her? I have never seen anybody who felt that way about their mother. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t hug and love on mine if I ever see her again, but I wouldn’t yell at her like that either.”
His words bring forth a pang of new guilt. I don’t want to hate my mother, truly, but I’m not sure how else to feel. She let my father beat me, she stood by and watched as he beat me, not once, but many, many times. She never shed a tear, never told him to stop. She turned the other cheek, looked away when I needed her most. I couldn’t share that with Lex. I couldn’t diminish what he thought of me further.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not talking about it. I need to think about getting a new job. That is all that I need or want to think about.”
My words must sting because he pulls away and turns his back to me as he gets up and walks out of the bedroom without another word. I hate that I hurt his feelings. I know he feels pushed away. But it has to be this way. I can’t get attached.
I pull the sheet up and around me, not wanting to be naked any longer. I cannot have him see the soreness in my heart at pushing him away. I cannot have him find out I’m pregnant. I’m not ready to think about that. I am not ready to talk about it. I am not ready to have him get close.
I need a few more days of independence before it is all washed away. Before it is all gone, never to return. There is no way out. But the last thing I need is to feel dependent, even if I am dependent.
Tears sting my eyes, and I look out the window at the trees. I realize how easy they have it. No emotions, no parents to abuse them or beat them with a belt, no one to marry and become the slave of. No one to tell them they can’t go to school, they can’t learn, they can’t grow, they can’t be who they’re supposed to be. Trees have it so much easier than we do.
How do I raise a kid with this much baggage? How do I teach a child about the possibility of goodness if I have never known any? How do I understand what a child even needs after what I’ve been through? There is no hope. Some part of me feels like I should have just married Bartholomew.
But I can’t. I won’t. This is not his baby. I won’t do that to myself, and I won’t do that to my child. I don’t know whether to trust Lex, not really. But he has got to be better than them. Anything is better than them.
Lex walks back in after using the bathroom and slides back into bed.
“I know someone who can help you with a job.”
“Really?” I’m a bit shocked that he would return to bed offering to help me find a job after I pushed him away, but Lex has such a kind heart, it’s not that surprising.
“Really.”
I turn to search his face, clutching the sheet to my chest, and realize his smile is beaming up at me. I decide I need a little more comforting and move to lie with my back against his front, and he wastes no time scooping my body into his big spoon.
After a few more hours of sleep, he takes me to school, but rather than dropping me off, we get there early so he can take me to see his brother, the Dean. We wait outside the office until his secretary ushers us in, and then I am standing in front of the man who has the power of life and death over my academics. If he doesn’t like me, he can kick me out. And here we are, asking him for a job, which Lex assures me is the right thing to do.
I am not so sure.
“Hey, brother.” They embrace and pat each other on the back before separating, and Lex introduces me.
“This is Jude Abbot, the girl I was telling you about.”
When did he have time to call him this morning?
“I remember seeing your name come across my desk when it was time to approve your admission. I was really impressed with your letter. It was earnest and genuine, and we don’t always see a lot of those. How can I help?” He looks from me to Lex and back again. “Have a seat.”
Lex and I sit across from his desk, and I let Lex take charge of the conversation. I don’t know that I could have. I am too shy, and I had never been in such a formal office before.
I am literally terrified.
“We’re here for a job.” They chuckle at each other, and then they both look at me. I don’t know what to say.
“Yes,” I stumble out. “I need a job.” I sound ridiculous. Like I’m in grammar school. Called into the principal’s office.
Seb grins at me and says, “I think I can help with that. What kind of work do you want to do?”
I look at Lex blankly, not knowing how to respond, then I look back at Seb. My eyes ping-pong between the two brothers.
“The kind that pays?” I shrug, hoping that is an option.
They both laugh loudly as if I’m being funny on purpose. But I did not see the humor in it. I knew that people got internships without pay all the time, and I didn’t want one of those. I need to be able to provide for myself. And provide for something that neither of them knew about. I have to get to work as quickly as possible and save as much as I can. That is the only thing that is going to save me.
“I meant what kind of work do you want to do that is paid? Like, secretarial work, helping out in the gym with organizing sports equipment, or running errands? We have tons of different stuff that can be done. Hell, you could want to be on the lawn crew for all I know. If you want to work outside.”
“Oh. I didn’t think about that. I don’t have a lot of experience. But I can type fast and take orders and show up on time and be helpful in just about anything.”
“I have no doubt.” His smile is warm and genuine. It reaches his eyes, putting me at ease. “How about I think of something that might be fun for you and run a couple of options by you next Monday? If you have any preferences, you can start whichever one you wa
nt right away, maybe even the same day if you like. Does that sound good?”
“That would be great!”
He turns to Lex. “But I’m only doing this if you agree to bring her to Sunday dinner.”
My stomach flips, and I glance between them, wondering what is going on.
Lex nods. “You got it.”
They stand up and shake hands, and I realize that they had just cut a deal to get me a job. I do not know about this whole dinner thing, but I am open to it if it means I can work and support myself.
I thank Seb, shaking his hand before Lex and I leave. On the way out, I tug Lex’s sleeve, asking him about the Sunday dinner.
When we get to his truck, he tucks me into the passenger side and then gets in before he answers my question.
“It’s a family tradition. Every Sunday we have family dinner. Brothers, wives, kids, Pops, everybody.” He grins and seems genuinely happy.
“And you want me to go?”
“Well, it is one of the requirements of you getting a job.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“You don’t wanna go?” He frowns.
“No, it’s not that, I just don’t know these people. I don’t want them to make assumptions about me, and I don’t know what I would even wear.”
“Anything you wear is gonna look great on you. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”
I blush and shoo him off the topic, knowing he is just trying to flatter me. I have never been called beautiful before and could not imagine it would start suddenly at nineteen. No, that is not possible. I had seen beautiful women, and I wasn’t one of them.
On the ride home, I’m quiet. I feel excited and sad at the same time because the family that he seemed to care so much about, the one that he learned how to future, build forts with, and share laughter is what is going to be surrounding me. It is the family I had always dreamed of, but they have no idea the secret I am hiding.
They have no idea how I can crash all this down around their ears. I doubt Lex even wants a family, or he would have started one by now, especially as the oldest. If all his brothers were having babies, and he wasn’t, then there had to be a good reason for that. I did not want to bring a damper on a family so beautiful. Besides, it was going to hurt to see that much happiness. That much, I know.
15
Lex
The next few days are easy and uneventful. I convince Jude that she still needs to stay with me for safety reasons, and luckily, she doesn’t resist like she usually does, though she continues to ask when she can go back to her dorm. I wonder if she needs alone time and isn’t getting it, but I can’t let her out of my sight just yet. I do not know for sure what’s up with Roman, and I don’t want to risk putting her in his crosshairs or worse–his goons.
I also want to prevent her from running into her mom again.
“Hey, you hungry?” I look over at her, studying at the kitchen table.
She perks up, her blue eyes full of life. “Yes. Is there any leftover spaghetti?”
“Sure is. I can heat it up for you. Come on, Chef Lex is going to fix you up.”
“Chef Lex? It sounds like a bad sugar cereal.” She snorts, and I laugh back at her. “Also, not to burst your bubble, but I think you would need a lot of schooling to be called a chef, based on your current culinary skills.” She nods toward the stove.
I stagger backward, hand over my heart. “You wound me.”
A few minutes later, the food is done, and the kitchen smells like an Italian restaurant. I sprinkle some parmesan over her food and watch as she wolfs down the pasta in front of her as she piles bite after bite in her mouth as quickly as she can.
I raise an eyebrow at her. “My culinary skills can’t be that bad, not the way you’ve been eating.” She always seems to be hungry, though strangely, she has stopped eating anything before noon, claiming she doesn’t really care for breakfast.
Mimicking my expression, she raises an eyebrow back at me. “Did you just call me fat?”
“What? No! I just–”
Jude tips her head back and bursts out laughing. “That was a joke. A good one, I might add. You should have seen your face.” She continues laughing. A sound that never gets old to my ears.
Sitting across from her, I eat, my eyes dancing as I try to swallow bigger bites than her without laughing. She makes me feel alive, happy, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ve had girlfriends, but none have brought out in me what she brings out.
Watching her, I don’t know if she did it on purpose, but she got some spaghetti sauce on her face. She looks ridiculous. When I laugh and point it out, she wipes it on her sleeve like an exaggerated barbarian, which makes me laugh more.
After a moment, I become serious. “Jude?”
She looks up at me, a bit of terror on her face, which makes my heart catch. What scared her now? Is she going to bolt? Is she worried I want something from her? Is she afraid I am going to say something about her mother that would make her upset? I don’t want her to be afraid to be vulnerable with me. I don’t want to worry every time we start to feel comfortable around each other.
“Are you needing more space than what you have here?”
She looks away for a moment before looking back, then she shrugs.
“I miss my freedom.”
Ouch.
“You do know I’m not holding you here against your will, don’t you?”
She shrugs again and looks down at her plate. “But aren’t you? Kind of?”
“I’m just worried–about your safety, and that your mom will show up again.”
She flinches, then says, “I would rather stay anywhere forever than see her again.”
I watch her face and see her coil with anger, resentment, and loss. It seems deep. Old. As if whatever happened had been going on a very long time. I cannot imagine parents that would cause that kind of discord.
“Jude, were your parents the ones who hurt you?” I don’t want to push her, but I want to understand.
She nods but turns, shoving her plate away, and picking up her pencil to go back to her studies with her back to me. My fingers itch to touch her, comfort her, but something tells me to let her go, even though I don’t want to.
Inside, a flash of rage washes over me. I want to hurt those motherfuckers. I walk out of the room, afraid of what I will say or do.
I stay out of her way for another hour, and then it’s time for me to go into the gym. Walking into the kitchen, I find her sitting in the same spot as when I left her.
“Hey, I have a class to teach at the gym. You want to stay here and study while I’m gone? Or would you rather go with me?” I’d love for her to come with me, but I also want to give her some space, plus, I know there’s no safer place for her than here.
“I’ll stay here if that’s okay? Do you want me to make dinner while you’re gone?”
I nod and smile. Fuck, that just made my dick hard. Just the thought of her being here when I get back, dinner ready, going to bed together afterward. I never want this to end. I want her to stay here with me forever.
“That’s perfect. I’m not sure what time I’ll be back, but it won’t be too late.”
“It’s okay, take your time. I’ll still be here, studying, most likely.” She smiles at me, and I feel that smile in my bones. I always want to see her smiling, happy, and content like she is right now. Saying goodbye, I head out the door with my gym bag in my hand.
On the drive, my thoughts drift away, and I wonder what type of abuse she endured beyond that horrible physical shit I saw. Emotional had to be there, too. Was there something worse? Something even darker? It doesn’t matter, no one deserves to have any of that from their parents, a friend, another fucking human. It doesn’t matter who they were to her, they shouldn’t have hurt her. Gripping the steering wheel, I feel completely defeated for a moment. I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to earn her trust, and I get the sense that might never happen, but I’ll be damned
if I fucking give up.
When I get to Iron Fist and walk in, I wave at Dex and head to the locker room. Dex is one of the other trainers, though my least favorite. He pushes people too hard. Screams and belittles them on the regular. I had enough of that shit in boot camp to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to have to listen to that. Some people like to sign up for that shit, but I will never know fucking why. Stupid. That’s not how you train people, at least not in my book.
Once inside the locker room, I change into some workout clothes and grab a towel and a bottle of water before I head out. There is ten minutes before the start of class, but it seems everyone is here already. I enter the central ring, the only one completely fenced but also the largest, and raise my hand to signal the start of class. Quickly, the students gather in front of me in a loose group. There are men and women, some smiling, some just looking straight ahead with an eagerness to learn.
“Let’s go! Make a circle, make a circle. If you are here for the Krav Maga defense class, it is time to huddle up.”
The group adjusts to build the line, making a circle with me. When they’re settled, and I have their complete attention, I lower my hand and look them in the eye, one by one.
“Krav Maga is a military system of self-defense and fighting designed for the Israeli defense forces.” I raise my voice for the next part. I want the pansies and wannabe karate masters to hear this and self-select out. “It is known for its application using real-world situations. Which means, my delicate little flowers, you will not be having fun. You will not be play-fighting. You will not earn a belt for best attendance. You will be trained for safety first. You will learn how to protect yourself and others before you learn combat. You will cry, sweat, and likely bleed before the next 30 days is up,” I pause long enough to point to the cage door, “if you have a problem with that, please, get the fuck out of our way. I’m only here for the badasses.”