by J. L. Beck
“Yeah, we should, I’ve got plans for us today.” I press a kiss to her forehead and turn the shower on.
An hour later, with a shower and breakfast under our belts, her questions becoming more and more outlandish as she tries to guess where we are going, we step outside and head for the truck.
I live in a quiet neighborhood, one of the reasons I love it here. It’s uneventful and familiar. Normally, I even see the same cars parked out on the road. But today, a white SUV sits half a block down the road, and something about it sets me off. It seems out of place. It makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know why.
I look at it one more time and don’t see anyone sitting in it, so I shake it off, thinking I must be imagining any concerns I have. Reminding myself that it is a pretty standard vehicle, I let it go. There is no need for concern. I close her into the passenger side of my truck and walk around to get into the driver’s side.
“Hey, you like dogs, right?” I ask as I turn on the truck.
“Sure, who doesn’t like dogs?”
“Well, the SPCA has a program that allows you to go visit dogs and pet them, and sometimes they will even let you take them for a walk.” I glance at her, smiling. “You up for that?”
A beam lights up her face. “Heck yeah, I’m up for that. What kind of dog do we get?” Her energy becomes bouncy, and I’m glad to see I picked the right date. I went back and forth, trying to figure out what I should do. Jude is different than any of the other girls I’ve dated, and I didn’t want to give her a typical dinner and movie date. She deserves more than that, she deserves something special.
“They’ll give us whatever they’ve got. We don’t really get to pick when talking about a shelter, we just get to see what they have and pick from that group. That fair enough?” I hope that’s not a deal-breaker.
“I love it.” She smiles and looks out the window. “Is this what you would consider something ‘normal?’ Do people really do this for dates?”
“Not everyone, but we’re not really normal, you and I, Jude, and I don’t want to take you on the typical date. You deserve more than that. I want you to remember this, I want to see you smile, it’s the only thing that matters to me.”
Her head spins back to me, and I wink at her and grin. She tucks her head and goes back to looking out the window without responding, but in the reflection of the window, I can see her grinning from ear to ear, and that makes my day.
When we arrive at the shelter, we talk to the lady up front, and she takes us back to the animals. After we visit and pet all the available pouches, Jude finally settles on a fairly even-tempered beagle named, Lady Loo.
The dog is already in love with her, and I’m pretty sure it’s mutual. The name alone makes us giggle every time we say it, but it’s her backstory that is the real kicker.
Lady Loo was tied and left in a roadside gas station restroom for a day and a half, abandoned by her owners. She was mangy, had a heart full of worms, was pregnant with at least her third litter of pups, despite being less than two-years-old, and there were scars where someone had beat her multiple times. The extraordinary thing was that despite her horrendous conditions, and her cruel abandonment, she never once, in that day and a half, urinated or pooped inside the restroom where she was chained. She waited, like a lady, until someone came and took her outside. Hence, Lady Loo.
The SPCA had helped Lady Loo recover physically, but because of the scars on her back, no one wanted to adopt her.
Jude gives me one look, and I’m a goner. Lady Loo, it is.
Once we sign our lives away in blood, we head out, and I realize I could have not picked a better day, weather-wise. It’s sunny, and Jude tips her head back, basking in the warmth of the sun. After a moment, Jude, who is holding Lady’s red leash, turns to me, confused but happy.
“Where to?”
“Anywhere we want,” I chime back.
“I know, but where?” She laughs.
I look left and right, and an idea pops into my head.
“There is a park a couple of blocks over. We can start there and see what the day brings?”
“Yes.” Her blue eyes light up, and then we’re off.
Lady Loo immediately starts pulling us forward, eager to get on with whatever adventure we’re about to go on.
“Maybe she knows the way?”
I shrug and grin. “She’s a harlot, no loyalty whatsoever. I bet she goes anywhere with anyone,” I tease.
“No!” Jude’s laughter tinkles and expands around us. “She’s a lady!”
The day is easy and comfortable. We visit the park and let Lady Loo romp around off-leash for a bit, take her down to trail along the river, and then through the town center, where we stop and have some lunch at an outside café table as Lady snoozes at our feet.
It is as if we are a real couple, and Lady Loo is our dog.
Eventually, I get up the nerve to reach out for Jude’s hand, and she smiles at me before ducking her head shyly, which only serves to make my heart swell.
“It’s strange, but today, I felt like we were something other than what we are,” Jude says shyly. She is very self-conscious in public when it comes to letting me express my feelings for her or concerns. She doesn’t want to have to rely on me, and she doesn’t, but she should be able to lean on me when she needs to.
“We haven’t really put a label on what we are yet, and that’s okay, we’ve got time,” I reassure as we walk back toward the shelter.
“Thank you, Lex. For today, for being there even when it seems like I don’t want you there. You’re a good man.” Her words make my heart clench in my chest, and out the corner of my eye, I see a white SUV pass us; its passing ruins the moment completely.
Though the day has been good, there is a shadow lingering. I cannot shake the feeling of something ominous, but, other than Jude’s parents, can’t fathom a reason we might be under watch. I could swear I’ve seen that same white SUV several times today. I think I’m going crazy, but what if I’m right. Is Jude safe? What if I was not with her? Are they following me, or her? Or am I just imagining the whole thing? It has to be nerves or just a need to protect her, that’s what this is. I shake the feeling away for now, and we continue our walk back to the shelter. When we arrive, I can see how sad Jude looks, and I know I have to ask, because if I don’t, I may regret it.
“Do you want to keep the dog? She can stay at my place.”
Jude nibbles on her bottom lip, and I can see that she wants to say yes but shakes her head no instead. I’m a little stunned if she wants the dog, then we can get the dog. I already told her I would give her the world.
“I need to be able to care for myself before I can take care of another, even something as small as a dog.”
It makes sense, so I don’t push. She needs to be comfortable caring for herself, and I understand that.
Surrendering the dog back to the shelter, we say our goodbyes and promise to visit again.
On the drive home, I see the white SUV in the rearview yet again. This time, I need to test the theory of being followed. I change lanes quickly and hit the gas a little to ensure I make the light before it turns red. The white SUV makes all the same moves and makes the light as well, which triggers all my internal alarms. But then, just when I am certain that I’m right, it turns into a parking garage and is gone.
Coincidence? I don’t know. The Marine in me says no, but I don’t want to spook Jude.
Pulling Jude’s hand up to my mouth, I kiss the back of it as I shoo away darker thoughts.
When we get to the house, I make up an excuse and head to the back porch to make a call. The grey kitty is out there, fatter and more affectionate now that Jude has made her feel safer, but still, as of yet, unnamed.
I dial Roman’s number. The moment I push the green button, my heart sinks in my stomach, the bad feeling in my gut, growing like a cancer.
“Hey,” he answers after a few rings.
“Hey.”
I won
der again if I’m making the right choice but come to the same conclusion. There is no one else to ask or go to.
“Roman, I think someone is following me. Or Jude. Not sure which, or if it is both.”
“So, are you asking me for help or just calling to let me know in case you disappear?”
Smartass. “Something like that,” I sigh, “look, I don’t know who else to call. I guess I could call the police, but what are they gonna do? All I have is a feeling that someone is following us. It might be nothing, but if it’s not nothing, and I didn’t do anything, I’ll never forgive myself. If something happens to Jude...”
My mind flashes back to Damon Rossi, and how we left things.
If you ever need anything, let me know.
“You know I got your back. That’s what friends are for. Let me look into it okay?”
“It may be her parents. They run a religious cult and are trying to get her back. But it may be someone else, too. I just do not know.”
“I got this, Lex. Don’t you worry your pretty little head.”
“Did you just call me pretty?” I scoff.
“The prettiest, well, apart from me. Now, don’t make this gay, man. I’ll call you when I find something.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate that.”
We hang up without further words, and I look down to see the baby kitty climbing up my pant leg. She meows loudly, and I pick her up and decide for the first time, it is okay if she comes inside. If we can’t have a dog yet, at least we can have a kitten that’s technically adopted us.
20
Jude
When Lex brings in the kitten from outside, it is the perfect topper to the perfect day. I almost squeal, it excites me so much.
“He is so cute!”
“I told you,” Lex smiles, “he is a she.”
“Oh, poo on you. My kitty, my rules.”
Instantly, Mister Purrbox begins to make biscuits on my chest, and I’m in heaven. My heart, especially after a day like today, is full, almost to bursting. How can this be what other people think is normal? How can something so simple as walking through the park and down the street and having a meal at a sidewalk cafe, feel so joyous? How can Lex grabbing my hand, feel so magical?
I shake my head, and my body feels overwhelmed with emotions as I look at him and smile. It hits me suddenly. I’m falling in love. And I want him to love me. I want to belong to him. To make a family with him. To be a part of his family.
Snuggling closer to the kitten’s face, I try not to cry again, at least this time it’s for a good reason. I can’t remember, ever in my life, being this happy. Family dinner was the topper, and this almost tops that, maybe even competes with it for first place.
Today was a really good day. I feel like some things are falling together, and I’m finding my way. I feel safe, with something special growing in my belly. Maggie and Kayla hugged me as if I was their long-lost aunt. And Maggie and I had had a profound conversation about being part of this family. She was only two-years-old, and she said this was a good place, and I’m a good person. And then she asked me to stay. I knew intuitively what she meant, she wanted me to stay and be part of her life.
It is hard to trust that this is not going to blow up tomorrow. That Lex won’t get tired of me or try to tie me down or punish me if I do not do things the way he wants. It is really hard to trust. But I am starting to.
Now there is only one thing left to do, tell him my secret. How can I tell him I’m pregnant? How do I tell him that his freedom is about to come to a screeching halt? That his responsibilities will press in on him.
No, I don’t know how to have that conversation with anybody. He has been so good to me, and the last thing I want is for him to feel cheated because of it.
More so, I don’t want anything to change between us. Everything seems perfect right now. I don’t want this to end, and I’m afraid that us having a baby will change everything.
I know I need to tell him soon. I just don’t know how or when.
The next morning, I’m excited for my first day at my new job. Seb found me a position in his office as an administrative assistant, part-time. It is only two days a week, but it will work perfectly with my school schedule and give me some extra money beyond what I got in my grant.
Money that will allow me to buy things for the baby and contribute to my food bill at Lex’s place. I don’t want to be dependent on him for everything. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes me feel like I owe him something, which costs me a lot of pride.
I’m only at work for an hour when nausea rises up inside me. I’m filing in the cabinet across from Seb’s desk in his office when it hits me. I look up at him and see he is on the phone. He looks at me and places his call on hold while I try to stand really still, hoping the feeling will pass. God, please, don’t let me puke on the floor.
“You look like you’re going to barf. Are you okay?”
I shake my head violently and run out of the room. I barely make it to the ladies room before I get sick. It almost feels as if I’m retching everything that I have ever eaten in the past week from my toes all the way up and out. The attack is violent and swift and intense.
It takes me a while to recover, and I go and get a couple paper towels and wet them and place them around my forehead, on the back of my neck, and between my breasts. I can’t go back in there looking like a sweaty vomiting mess. That’s not what Seb hired me for.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I pull my blonde hair back off my face and twist it into a loose ponytail at my neck. I feel and look a little more put together. That’s good.
When I walk back into Seb’s office to finish my filing, I avoid eye contact, hoping that he will just take it all in stride and not pay attention to me. I should know better though. Those Miller boys don’t let anything get past them.
Seb stands up, comes over to me, and touches me on the shoulder.
“Jude, is everything all right? You looked really sick.”
“I’m sorry. I must have eaten something that did not agree with me this morning. I’m sure I’m going to be fine. I already feel better now.” I avoid his eyes, not wanting to lie to my new boss. I just want to get on with my day.
“No, come over here and sit down, you honestly don’t look fine. In fact, you look...” He doesn’t finish his sentence, and I don’t want to urge him to. I’m sure he was gonna say something like, terrible. You look terrible. Just like I feel, and I really don’t want to hear that right now.
“Why don’t you go home and take the rest of the day off?”
“No, it’s my first day. Plus, I need the money,” I object almost immediately.
“Funny thing is, in this job, you get paid whether you are here or not. You just don’t get to keep the job if you take advantage of that rule. It’s the way we roll.” His smile is sincere, but I’m sure that he is giving me special treatment, and I’m not quite sure if I like it or not.
I smile at him limply, grateful, but too overwhelmed with nausea to really argue with him. I can feel the tickle in the back of my throat, and I have to get out of here before it starts again. I nod several times and walk out of his office as fast as possible.
After another vomit session in the bathroom, I discover I have to go back into the office again because I left my purse inside. Popping my head into his office, I make sure that he is not with a student before I walk in.
“Sorry, I forgot my purse,” I say, tiptoeing inside to grab it.
“Quit apologizing already.” Seb grins from his desk. I swallow down another sorry, spin around and walk back toward the door. Seb isn’t finished talking though. “And Jude, you need to tell Lex.”
Looking back over my shoulder, I see the look in Seb’s eyes, and I know he’s guessed my condition. His grin and his eyes flashing to my belly tell me one thing: I know you’re pregnant. And now I have no other option. I have to tell Lex. Sooner rather than later.
21
Lex
>
I’m out of work an hour early, so I decide to pick up a green tea smoothie for Jude before swinging by the school to pick her up. Just when I get back in the car, I get a text from Seb.
Seb: Jude is not feeling well, you should come and get her now.
Me: On my way.
Setting the smoothie into the cupholder, I start the car and pull out of the parking lot. It is her favorite, and I hope it makes her feel better. Because that, of course, will make me happy.
A few minutes later, I pull up in front of the administration building, and she gets in the cab, looking like she is ready to barf all over.
“I got you something to drink and don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look so good.”
“Gee, thanks. That’s what every girl wants to hear.” She gives me a wry look and a half smile, so I know she is not super serious. “I don’t think I can drink that.” She shakes her head and hugs her belly. “Yeah, I don’t think there is any way I’m going to be able to keep it down or anything for that matter right now.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Yeah, maybe worse than that. Can we just ride in silence on the way home? I don’t want to have to pull over, and I feel like every time I move or speak, I have to puke.”
I have been sick to the gills before myself, so I know exactly what she is feeling. Lots of drunken debacles that turn into hangover Mondays and a couple of cases of food poisoning. Yeah, I know exactly what she is feeling.
We ride in silence, and a couple of times, I reach over and touch her hand or arm, but I can tell she is not welcoming it. She is avoiding my eyes. I don’t know what’s up, but her being uncomfortable is making me increasingly uncomfortable.
For some reason, I get the feeling that this is more than her being sick. What is she hiding? That her parents showed up again? Somebody hassled her? What the fuck is going on?