by Anna Black
If I had stayed, I might have cussed his mother the fuck out. One thing I absolutely hated was super Christians that spend more time looking down and judging than praying for someone and encouraging them.
“Wait!” She called out. I paused and turned to her. “Let’s sit over a glass, and you can tell me more about yourself,” she smiled. “You’re right, I don’t know you young lady, but I’d like to have the opportunity to get to know you.”
Her tone and demeanor had shifted, so I smiled back because I wanted her to like me. Yes, I did, and it did matter if she liked me. I always prayed that the man I met and fell in love with would have a mother that adored me. I hated to see in-laws at war, so I wanted a chance to start out on the right foot with Gutta’s parents. She grabbed a bottle of white from the wine cooler that I hadn’t even noticed under the granite counter, and then we went out and sat on the heated enclosed porch. She asked dozens of questions about me, my family, and it turned out that her church had visited my mom’s church on a lot of occasions. She had a feeling she may have met my mother before.
After a nursed glass with me, all the other company had gone, and as Gutta predicted, his mom was on her second glass, laughing and dancing with her sons to different classics that Chicagoans stepped to. We didn’t leave the Wilkerson’s until after two in the morning, and I passed out sleep as soon as my head hit my damn pillow.
The alarm woke us the next morning at ten and by one, we were at my mom's spending Thanksgiving with my family. Life was good, Gutta and I grew closer and closer each day after Thanksgiving because we were basically attached at the hip, and before I knew it, it was Christmas. I was beyond happy with my life, relationship, and career. We spent a lot of alone time indoors because the weather was already acting up and it was like anything before Gutta being in my life did not exist. The experience I had with Mario was a blur, and I couldn’t believe how Gutta had stolen my heart, mind, and body so smoothly.
When I left Texas and Mario’s lying and cheating ass behind, I thought I’d never trust another and certainly not love another, but he came along and just captured my heart. Gutta was successful, intelligent, romantic, kind, thoughtful, and just so damn good to me. I was on a teacher’s salary, so I’d never splurge on expensive or designer shit, but my man did, and he never held back on pampering me or showering me with gifts. At first, I just thought he was doing way too damn much, but then I had to stop and appreciate him for being who he was. Every day with that man was like a holiday because he treated me like a queen.
After a long afternoon at my mom's place, we were finally at his parent's place to share the remainder of the Christmas holiday with his folks. The last couple of days had been so busy with shopping, construction at the new club and a laundry list of things to get done that Gutta and I hadn’t made love or had a lot of time alone. We were playing cards at the dining room table, and his phone just kept going off. I didn’t think much of it until he got up and handed off his hand to Malice.
“Hey, sit in for me, I gotta take this,” Gutta said.
I wondered why the fuck my man had to step outside to take a call for the first time in our relationship. I tried to play it cool, but I needed to know what in the hell was so important on Christmas, so I put my cards down and rushed out to see where the damn fire was.
17
Gutta
My fucking phone would not stop vibrating in my damn pocket. I kept taking it out and hitting ignore, but then I decided to see who the fuck was harassing me only to see that it was Trina. The last couple of weeks, I had been nice, talking to her, texting her and even shared a couple of lunches and dinners with her. But today she was out of fucking control. She had tried to get me naked and tried to fuck, but Gabby wasn’t a phase. She was going to be permanent, and I just wanted to get rid of Trina’s ass. I had gotten a ring, and my first plan was to propose on Christmas but decided New Year's Eve would be better. That way we’d be at the club and have an engagement celebration with our family and friends and give me time to tell Trina we couldn’t be whatever the fuck we were anymore.
“What the fuck!” I blasted when I answered.
“Really, babe, really? It’s fucking Christmas, how could you think for a second I wanted to spend this entire day without you?” she asked, sounding drunk and so fucking annoying.
“Trina, you fucking know that I got family shit going on today and you know I’m with Gabby and her family too, so why the fuck are you blowing me up every three got’damn minutes?” I was furious, and I just wanted her to fucking leave me the fuck alone.
“Gutta, fucking for real. You keep telling me to chill, telling me that we are cool and telling me that you and that bitch ain’t that tight, yet your holidays are with that bitch and not me,” she spat.
“First off,” I said, jogging down the steps of my parent's porch. I didn’t need my conversation to be overheard by anyone other than the bitch that was on the other end. “I never said no shit to you about Gabby and me being shit, and I’m tired of this shit with you, Trina. I told you that I’d try to get by your place today, meaning if I could. I give you whatever the fuck you want, hoping you’ll sit yo’ ass down and just fuckin’ chill. But you know what, here is the real, Trina. You and I are fuckin’ done. We are fuckin’ over as of this very moment, you got that? And I’m cutting yo’ muthafuckin’ ass completely the fuck off financially from here on out. Don’t dial this number ever again, don’t send another mah’fuckin text, and don’t bring yo’ high yellow ass around any of my damn clubs, do you fuckin’ copy?” I blasted and then ended the call.
When I turned around and saw Gabby standing less than a foot behind me, I froze. I didn’t know she had come outside and I damn sure didn’t know what she heard, or what she didn’t. Fuck! I thought and then my phone buzzed in my damn hand again. It was Trina’s ass calling me back again. I wanted to throw my phone into the damn park across the street from where we were standing.
“So, you were still fucking with that woman while we were together, Gutta?” she shot at me.
I shook my head, but there were no words from my lips. Physically I hadn’t, but emotionally and mentally, I had cheated on Gabby. It’s like I fell into this Trina trap because of the guilt I had for just dropping her so cold and abruptly. I was doing stupid shit just to keep the drama down, and to keep her from acting a muthafuckin’ fool, but I only created a monster. I started feeding into Trina’s emotional and mental ego, not realizing that was worse than actually sticking my dick inside of her.
It’s crazy, but for women, dicking her down was less worthy than an emotional and mental connection. A woman could get off with just talking to a man for hours on the damn phone than being fucked for ten minutes.
“It’s bad, baby, I know that it is, but its’ nothing like you think,” was all I could come up with.
She snorted. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? I just stood here and overheard you word for word break up with a bitch that you were supposed to be done with months ago, Gutta. What in the fuck did I misunderstand? What in the fuck is it, if it’s not what I think?” she yelled.
I had to think. I was quick on my feet when it came to bullshitting women, but with Gabby, the woman I loved, I didn’t know the right words to say that wouldn’t come across as all fucking wrong and I felt deflated. “Honey, please, let's just go inside, get out of the cold and talk.”
She shook her head. “Oh, fuck no, we can’t do shit. I’ve been done in, lied to, and played before, so fuck no. You don’t get an opportunity to lie and fuckin’ cheat on me, Gutta,” she cried. Her eyes welled with the largest tears I had ever seen in a person's eyes. I reached out to hold her, but she flinched as if she thought I’d hit her or physically hurt her.
“Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” she said and started towards my parent's house.
“Please, babe, don’t go inside upset. I don’t need my family in our shit,” I said.
I wasn’t trying to be insensitive, but I was
a private person when it came to shit like this. I didn’t want this scene at my parent's place and definitely not on Christmas. I was close to my brothers, yes, but if she went inside crying, all hell would break loose. And I was in no fucking mood to explain to my family what the fuck was going on with Gabby and me.
She whipped around and glared at me. “You know what, Gutta, you are absolutely right. They don’t need to know about this bullshit, and I don’t want anyone to know how you dogged me the same fucking way Mario did. I’m going back inside because it is cold as fuck out here, but I need you to pull out your damn phone and call me an Uber or one of your fancy got’damn cars so I can go home. I will play nice until the car arrives and then we are done!” She declared.
Those were the absolute last words I needed to hear from her lips. “Gabby, baby, please don’t say that. This bullshit with Trina is nothing. I promise you nothing is going on,” I pleaded.
“Call me a car,” was all she said and then she snatched the storm door open and marched back into my folk's house.
I called out her name, but she didn’t stop. I called for her a car, and when I went back inside, she was smiling and pretending that all was good. When I touched her, she smoothly moved away, and I knew I had fucked up. I knew cheating was a big deal and although my dick hadn’t done any dirty deeds, the time, conversations and false hope with Trina had my black ass in a bad situation, and I had no idea how I’d fix it.
When the car arrived, my baby smiled and said goodnight to all of my family members as if all was good. I walked her out, and every word I said got no response. She got in, shut the door, and the car pulled away. I went back inside, but all I could think about was Gabby. I was no longer in any kind of celebratory mood. I threw back too many shots, and I thanked God I had a driver. Rel and I were close, and he kept asking me was everything alright, and I assured him that it was. He walked me out to my car, and he asked again.
“Bro, I’m not stupid. What the fuck happened with you and Gab earlier?”
“Fucking D.T.,” I said, referring to the name I had Trina’s ass in my damn phone.
“D.T.? Big bro, who in the hell is a D.T.?” he questioned.
“That Deep Throat bitch ass Trina. I did some ole dumb shit, Rel. Some old high school, juvenile shit. I’ve been talking to that bitch, texting back and forth with her ass, still giving her money and shit just because I thought I’d keep her out of Gabby’s path and keep shit drama free. That bitch in love because of the stupid shit I did trying to be the fuckin’ man and have a bitch in my life for years that I knew I’d never marry or love. My own got’damn selfishness made Trina fall in love with me, and I’ve never loved her, Rel,” I slurred. “I mean, my big black dick loved the fuck outta her, but my heart, shiiiiidddddd, Gabby stole that shit, and that is some fuckin’ real shit right there.”
“You need to come to my place tonight, bro. You are in no condition to be alone.”
I nodded because he was so fucking right. How I felt at that moment, I’d tell my driver to take me to Trina’s, and I’d put a foot up her ass. Or I’d go to Gabby’s and sleep in the elements on her porch just to get her to open up the door for me.
“Yep, yo’ ass is right about that shit, lil bro,” I slurred.
“Hey, you!” he bellowed. I guess at my driver. My head fell back, and I just wanted to sleep. “Follow me. My bro staying with me tonight,” he said, and that was the last thing I heard before I passed out.
“Come on. bro,” Rel said, and I let him, and the driver help me out of the back of the SUV.
I had never been that drunk in my entire life, and all I wanted was to make it to something that I could lay my head down on. I was alert long enough to make it to my brother's sofa, and when they let me go, I know I tumbled into those sofa cushions like a person diving into the deep end of a pool. I heard movement and had no idea who or what, but I thanked the heavens that I had finally passed out to sleep.
The next day, my eyes fluttered as I tried to open them. I had no memory of where I was. I rested there and didn’t even attempt to make any moves because my body felt like I had gained five hundred more pounds. The drum solo that played in my head attributed to my body not being able to move from where I laid, but my bladder said head for the toilet before the warm liquids release on myself and whatever the hell I was lying on because it felt nothing like my damn bed. After some mental coaching and bladder control concentration, I managed to sit up. I blinked several times until I could recognize Rel’s living room. With that, I willed my legs to stand, and I rushed to the bathroom. I moaned as my dick shot a stream of hot pissed into the porcelain commode. I silently gave praises to the God my parents serve for not letting me piss all over my brother's sofa. After the business was done, I hurried back to the place that allowed me to sleep and then slept four more good hours until my bladder woke me again.
18
Gabby
That night, I rode to my place, beating my brains on how I allowed another man to fucking cheat on me. I mean, with Mario there were signs, but with Gutta, that negro was a pro. Slicker than slick. I tried to figure out when because every waking moment outside of work, we were together. I mean, with Mario, the military had him in and out of the house at all kinds of crazy hours, but with Gutta, we were together all the time, so shit wasn’t adding up. I mean, was he spending days when I was working with this woman because it was crazy how he found the time to juggle the both of us.
“Well, I guess where there is a will, there’s a motherfucking way,” I said.
I kept wiping my eyes, trying so hard not to cry over him, but it was impossible not to. I mean, I was in love with him, that new and romantic kinda love. It was different from the pain I felt with Mario. It hurt worse to be honest because he made me feel so much better than Mario had and now that it was over, I felt a little empty. We had just gotten started, and I thought things were good, so how could he do that to me? He assured me that Trina was never his woman, and I believed him. He assured me that he never loved her, and I believed him, only to have it all just blow up in my damn face.
“Fuck!” I cried and just let the tears flow.
It was what it was, and I’d have to let that shit go. Once I was home, I dragged myself into my unit and flopped down on the bench near my doorway to remove my boots. I peeled off my coat, and when I pulled out my phone, I had over ten missed calls and eighteen text messages from him. I knew I didn’t need to read his words, but I pressed a few buttons and read all of his apologies and vows to make things right and promises that he’d do right by me going forward. I listened to each and every voicemail he left me, and the last three, I knew he was drunk out of his mind. He said all kinds of crazy shit about how he’d take a lie detector test to prove his innocence or he could take me to Trina’s house and how he’d let me go through his phone. Hell, none of that shit made me feel any better. I knew I’d never trust him again. I was so sick of lying ass motherfuckers who thought they could just say ‘baby, I’m sorry’ and blah, blah, blah and expect for shit to be great again.
“Not this fuckin’ time Gutta!” I yelled. “You men are just fucking liars. Your fucking problem is one is never enough. One good woman is never enough, and I’m done with your dog cheating ass,” I cried and got up.
I went to my kitchen, snatched opened the fridge and grabbed my bottle of Chardonnay. I had a couple of glasses earlier, but I needed to get a handle on my emotions because I had no intentions of crying all night. Unfortunately, the wine made it worse, and I ended up crying half the night while I listened to songs that made my heart ache even more.
I wanted to go to his place and fuck him up, but I’d kill myself and some other innocent person on the road if I dared to get behind the wheel of my car. “Tomorrow,” I said as I slid down on my sectional. “I will fuck him up tomorrow,” I vowed before I passed out.
The next morning, the banging on my door woke me. I didn’t want to open my eyes, but the person on the other side of the d
oor would not stop. “Fuck, go away!” I yelled, but the persistent motherfucker on the other side didn’t stop. “For fuck sake, please stop banging and go the fuck away!” I blasted again.
“We’re not leaving,” I heard a voice say. It only took me a second to recognize that it was Chas.
“Chas,” I mumble. “Chas, what the fuck!” I yelled.
“Open the damn door, Gab,” Tori demanded.
“Yes, we are all here,” I then heard Gemma. I huffed and peeled my body from my sectional and moved to the door. My place was only twelve hundred square feet, but it seemed like the walk to the door was a damn mile. Before I could reach the doorknob, it opened.
“The fuck!” I mumbled.
“I used my key,” Grace said.
“So why in the hell were you bitches banging if you had your key?” I asked as I headed back to the sofa.
“Because I just pulled up,” Grace said as they all filed in. I flopped down and rubbed my banging head.
“Rel told me what happened, Gab,” Chas said.
“And you thought it was cool to tell the world,” I said with a hand gesture. All four of them were in my living room like they came to talk me off the ledge.
“No, I only called on your sisters and Tori. We are your best friends, and we want to be here for you for whatever you need,” Chas said.
“Well that’s sweet, but I’m good. This ain’t my first rodeo, and I’m starting to get used to this heartbreak bullshit,” I cried.
I wanted to be strong and front, but with them all being there, I couldn’t fake it or hold back my tears. They all surrounded me on the sofa, and everyone had words of encouragement, which was what I’d expect. After a while, I had calmed down and managed to eat a little breakfast that Grace whipped up. It was the day after Christmas and Gutta, and I had plans to hit the sales racks that day just to rack up on some good deals. My idea, of course, because he wasn’t a sales rack man. I convinced him that it would be fun, but there was no longer an us.