“Hi,” I said warily, appraising him, that stupid hope spreading. I detested how powerless I was to it—to him.
“Can we talk?” he asked, pulling his eyes away from me. He took in the shop, a slow, small smile gracing his lips, causing my stomach to flutter. I wondered if he was thinking about the day he introduced himself, too.
Then he looked back at me, and it was like he was hit with a reminder of what we no longer had. His smile dropped, a sober expression befalling that sensual mouth.
A small part of me wanted to say no. Out of spite, out of years of hurt, out of fear over the hope I felt and tried desperately to deny, to fight. I wasn’t a spiteful person by nature and in my heart of hearts…I could never do that to either one of them. I knew exactly what Calum wanted to talk about, our son. It was hard to fault him for that.
Even if it’d been inadvertently, I’d kept his son from him. I could see the benefit of us speaking a few times prior. It would allow us an opportunity to clear the air and set some ground rules.
I had to remember that it was probably just as unsettling for him as it was me. I’d had nine years to come to terms with parenthood, while Calum hadn’t had a full twenty-four hours yet. I wasn’t entirely sure who’s fault that was, anymore.
Looking away from him, I focused on the book covered display table. “I was about to take my lunch. We can talk in the office.” In my peripheral, he nodded. Placing the book I was holding on the table, I moved past him, his cologne invading my senses. I could feel the heat of his gaze on my back when I stopped off at the front counter of the café to speak to Ellery.
“I’m taking my lunch break.”
My friend tilted her head and arched a brow, her eyes darting briefly to Calum and then back to me. “Okay. Did you want me to bring you guys something to eat?”
“Maybe just some coffee? He drinks it black.”
“Sure,” Ellery nodded and set to pouring two cups. She added a healthy dose of cream and sugar to mine, leaving Calum’s black. She popped the lids on and walked them over, holding them out to me. I took the paper cups from her and drew in a stabilizing breath before turning to face him again.
Calum was still standing where I’d left him, his arresting eyes pinned on me. He didn’t seem to notice Shelly loitering by the shelves near him as if she were trying to muster the courage to approach him.
Catching Shelly’s eye, I nodded, encouraging her to move forward. She shook her head, backing up a little, completely intimidated by the six-foot two rock star standing in front of her.
I knew the feeling. Calum had always had an intimidating presence, but the tattoos and the fame only added to it.
Inwardly sighing, I approached him, pausing and keeping a few feet between us.
“Would you mind saying a quick hello to our co-op student? Shelly is a fan of yours.” I felt a little awkward asking him, but the warm smile he gave the young girl chased that feeling away immediately.
“Of course,” he said, turning fully and holding his hand out. She took it, shaking it with a starstruck look in her eyes.
“Thank you so much! It’s so cool finally getting to meet you!” she gushed, ducking her head with flushed embarrassment.
“It’s great meeting you too, Shelly. Thanks for listening.”
“Oh always! Your music is so great!” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and peered up at him in wonderment, and for the first time, I noticed she was clenching a permanent marker and their latest album.
“Thank you so much! I’m glad you think so.” He smiled.
“My mom was a big fan, too. She passed away a few years ago…” She admitted, her voice going a little sad for a moment.
“I bet she’s watching now,” I said gently, and Shelly nodded, perking up.
“Did you want me to sign that?” Calum asked, tilting his chin at the album in her hand.
“Oh, right, duh. That’d be fantastic…thank you so much!” she replied, holding the CD out to him. He pulled the insert out and signed it quickly, sliding it back in. His gaze lifted, catching mine briefly before he gave his fan his full attention, along with a warm smile.
“Here you go,” he handed the album and marker back.
Shelly bit her lower lip, eyes darting from me and back to him with uncertainty. “Do you think you have time to take a quick picture with me?”
He hesitated, glancing at me again before nodding. “Sure, but could you maybe wait to post it until after I leave?”
“Of course.” Shelly nodded.
“Here, I’ll take it,” I offered, holding my hand out for Shelly’s phone. She pulled it out of her back pocket and handed it to me. I set the coffees down on a nearby table and waited until they were ready—Calum grinning cordially with Shelly beside him, beaming with delight at meeting her idol.
I snapped a few photos and gave Shelly her phone back. “All right, get back to work now,” I smiled, watching her nod and scurry off behind the counter. The easy smile slipped before I met Calum’s gaze. “Ready?” I asked him, holding his coffee out to him.
He nodded, taking the cup from me, his fingers brushed against mine. I nearly dropped the damn coffee at the unexpected touch. Luckily, Calum’s reflexes were quicker, and he’d caught it before it could spill.
My stomach fluttered, and heat flooded my core, ignited by the intensity of his eyes on me. Swallowing hard, I smiled, uneasily trying to conceal the effect he had on me. “Thanks for that, by the way,” I said, inclining my head to Shelly. “I think you made her day.”
I was hoping it would give me a moment’s respite from his regard, and it did—he blinked, nodding. “Don’t mention it.” He lifted a shoulder, his lips twitching with a repressed smile that caused a swooping sensation low in my belly.
Turning, I started for the back rooms, putting as much distance between us as I could. Not that it mattered, we’d end up in the same closed-off space soon enough—the attraction just as stifling as it was now.
My fingers trembled at his close proximity as I typed in the code and pushed open the door, stepping aside to let him walk through first. My heels clicked against the hardwood as I walked around him, flicking on the light to the office.
Spotting the sofa, Calum went to it and sat down, leaving enough room for me to join him.
Instead, I walked around my desk, pulling the chair out and plunking down into it. I could breathe a little easier with something solid between us. He exhaled audibly, pulling his eyes away from me to assess the office.
“So…what did you want to talk about? Specifically, I mean,” I added, catching his slight smirk as he studied the six-foot-tall cardboard cutout of Fabio with a raised brow.
Those salient eyes returned to me, and he cleared his throat, leaning forward to set his paper cup down on the edge of my desk. “I wanted to let you know that I’m meeting with a real estate agent this afternoon. I’m going to start looking for a place.”
“Oh.” To say I was surprised was a vast understatement. I blinked stupidly at him. “You’re moving back?”
“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “If you’re okay with that? I just thought it made sense to be close to…” He swallowed hard, his eyes flickering to the photos that lined my desk, his attention resting on the photograph of me holding Asher the day I brought him home from the hospital.
“But what about the band?” My question brought his eyes back to me. “What about Dare and Evan?”
“They’re on board with it. When we’re not on tour, we can be anywhere.” His explanation slashed into me, and I winced. Calum caught it, and the resounding pain flickered in his eyes. “I’ve missed out on so much, Harper, and I’m not going to let that happen anymore.”
This is good. He wants to be here for Asher, I told myself, trying to ignore the ache in my chest, trying to drown out the tiny voice of why wasn’t I enough?
“Have you—have you told your parents yet?” I asked, pulling my gaze away from him. I needed to do something with my hands,
so I picked up my coffee, held it and let it heat my palms. Without taking a sip, I set it back down again.
“Not yet.” My eyes lifted, narrowing at him while silent questions bubbled up. “Gramps’ funeral is tomorrow, and I didn’t want to start a battle with my dad right now. I don’t want Asher to meet everyone under those circumstances, anyway. I’d rather him hear about how awesome my Gramps was, not have his only memory being of him in a casket.”
Swallowing against the lump of emotion building in my throat, I nodded. Studying him, I took in the dark circles beneath his eyes. More guilt rose up in my chest, suffocating me. I’d never reached out to his family, even though his mother would have called him, because I hadn’t wanted to crawl back to them and have them force him to return. Calum had to come back on his own, and at first, I thought he would, eventually. I had the same phone number I’d always had, and I spent many months waiting for a text, a call—something.
While I waited, I built, too. I had to focus on my future, on building a life for Asher and me, and that meant Jane Eyre-ing it up—or trying to. I made my son and our life together my focus.
But my decision had robbed Asher of knowing his paternal great grandfather, and this unpleasant fact weighed heavily on my shoulders. “I’m sorry they never got the chance to meet.”
“Me too.”
Several beats of silence passed, wherein he watched me with unwavering intensity until I couldn’t take it anymore. I lifted my chin to meet his gaze head-on. “I talked to Asher last night…he’s looking forward to Saturday.”
“That’s great.” The smile that followed his words flooded through me and pierced my heart with an acute pain that made my eyes well up.
It was the same smile that I would dream about in the early days of my pregnancy when a part of me still thought he might come back, see me, and be happy about my rounding belly. It was the one that haunted me in my dreams. The ones where he’d stayed and was excited for our next chapter together.
There wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, either; the pain had cleaved through my defenses, exposing the hurt I always tried so hard to hide from everyone—myself included. I had to look away again, but I couldn’t hide it, not from the person who once knew me better than I knew myself.
After he left, I’d struggled so much to connect the Calum I’d fallen in love with to the Calum who’d left me like I’d meant nothing to him.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to recognize him when I saw him. I thought he would feel like a stranger, but he didn’t—so the hurt I felt caught me off guard and left me feeling vulnerable and susceptible.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him stand and heard his boots thud softly against the floor as he walked around my desk. I still couldn’t look at him, not even when he put his hand on the arm of my chair and pulled it out, swiveling it so that I was facing him.
He crouched before me and waited, his closeness leaving me no choice but to meet his searching cerulean eyes.
The tears I’d fought against slipped down my cheeks. I choked on a sob as he cupped my face, brushing the moisture away with his thumb. “Don’t cry, Harper.” I could hear it in his voice too. The same brokenness, the same regret. It cleaved through him just as surely as it cleaved through me.
There was no sense in trying to speak through the lump choking me. Leaning into his touch was second nature. It was something that had always felt so natural. I couldn’t fight doing it now, seeking the comfort he offered.
His hands were calloused from years of playing the guitar, but no touch had ever felt as good. Coming to my senses, I pulled back.
“I’m sorry, it’s just…” I paused, drawing in a breath to regain control of my shaky voice and emotions. His hand dropped to the arm of the chair. “It’s a lot, you know?”
“I do.” Calum nodded, pursing his lips, his eyes never wavering from mine. I could read it all within their depths, the hurt, the regret, and lurking beneath that—the love. He still looked at me the exact same way, and it still had the same effect on me. “But we’ll figure it out.”
I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs; his scent overpowered and overruled any sane thought I might have had. His gaze dropped to my lips, and I bit down, trying to drive sense back into my head.
All it did was light the spark between us. I watched the desire roll through him, heard it in his sharp intake of breath, saw it in the subtle way he licked his lips, and felt it in the air.
I blinked, forcing myself to look away from him; to escape the spell that engulfed my heart and my mind.
“I’m glad you are back, Cal, but…” I tried to align my thoughts. It was so hard to think with him so close to me. He stepped back, giving me the space he knew I needed, once again proving he could still read me.
I’d never been someone’s open book before, but I was still his. My breaths started to come quicker; the anxiety creeping up my esophagus.
“But what?” he prodded, bringing my focus to him.
“I’m still mad, hurt, and a bit confused. I’m trying to not let those feelings stand in the way, but it’s hard.”
“I know,” he said, studying me for several long, quiet moments, his eyes harbouring both secrets and answers. There was stuff he wasn’t saying, but his feelings—those I could see and practically taste. “I don’t blame you. You’ve got every right to hate me for what I did to you…to us. I know I did. I hated myself for letting you go. I hated myself for not coming back. I let that hate keep me away. I shouldn’t have let my issues keep me from the ones who needed me most, and I did. But it’s not going to happen again, Harper. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re not in this alone—not anymore. I’m through with hating myself; I want to move forward.”
I blinked slowly and drew in an unsteady breath while absorbing his words and the intent behind them. The cancelled show, the house hunting—it was quick, but I don’t know why I was so surprised. This was Calum, after all. When he wanted something, he jumped in with everything he had and made it his. It was so when we first met, and again when he left to become the lead singer and guitarist to a chart-topping Canadian band.
Music critics said if The Forgotten Flounders continued making music at the same caliber as their previous albums, they’d be on their way to achieving the same iconic status as The Tragically Hip.
“So…where are you looking?” I asked, my finger tracing the logo on the cup in front of me. “To buy, I mean…” I added when his brows creased with confusion.
“Oh, yeah. Brockhouse today. There’s a house on a point the realtor wants me to see. 270 feet of waterfront.”
“That sounds nice,” I paused, not knowing what else to add, my mind whirling.
“I know that look,” he laughed, shaking his head ruefully. His eyes glinted with mischief as his lips slid into a smirk that sparked low in my belly. “Go on, tell me what you’re really thinking.”
“I’m just…thrown off? And overwhelmed…”
“I’m just doing what I would have done if I’d known in the first place,” Calum said solemnly, his eyes never wavering from mine. He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m a lot of things, Harper, but I never wanted to be this. An absent father. I mean it when I tell you I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got a lot to figure out, but I’m not going to miss out on his life anymore.”
I nodded, feeling both a tremendous relief and a stabbing ache coinciding. How was I supposed to keep guarding my heart when he said things like that?
“Plus…I’m going to need somewhere to stay that’s closer than Toronto and isn’t my parent’s house.” He chuckled darkly, shaking his head a little.
“How’s that going? Being home, I mean.”
“It’s weird,” he said, and after a moment of thoughtful pause, continued. “I hadn’t talked to my Dad since the night I left.”
I bit my lip, nodding. I hadn’t seen Michael Jacobs since the day after he boarded the plane when I finally went to his house to see what
was up with the radio silence.
Mr. Jacobs had opened the door with a scowl that had made the hairs on the nape of my neck stand up, and then he proceeded to crack my heart apart with the way he callously told me Calum was gone.
I shook my head, rousing myself from that bad memory, and gave him a small smile. “Well…good luck. I hope you find something.”
“Speaking of which, I should get going.” He picked up his coffee, flashing me a tentative smile. “I’ll see you on Saturday?”
“Yeah, of course.” I stood to walk him out. He swung around, and I almost collided into him. I caught myself by pressing a hand to his hard chest. His pectoral tightened in response to my touch.
I pulled my hand back quickly as if his tough had burned. It had, a familiar, white-hot ache spreading between my thighs. Calum sucked the very oxygen from the room, leaving him seeping into every pore.
He smiled, his sensual lips tugging up in a playful smirk that relayed he knew he was affecting me.
“I’ll, uh…go out the back this time.” He offered, the corner of his lips tugging up in a boyish half-grin, eyes sweeping the length of my body slowly. My senses felt heightened with his heady appraisal. The blood heated in my veins when he licked his lips and cleared his throat, moving past me and out into the alleyway between our store and the pharmacy.
I frowned after him for a moment before closing the door and locking it. Punching in the code to reactivate the alarm, I stepped back. Each encounter with Calum left me feeling disoriented. I was pulled into both our past and our present simultaneously.
I had no interest in getting duped again, but that pull—it could eradicate the hurt, or intensify it tenfold.
Ten minutes later, I’d collected my composure and returned to the storefront. It was quiet, a few clusters of customers sitting at tables in the café. I breathed in the comfort of this sight: even during our quiet moments, we had customers enjoying our little store’s atmosphere.
Moving toward the counter with a renewed hope, I slowed when I realized Shelly’s attention was zeroed in on me, noting that Calum wasn’t with me.
Off Beat (Forgotten Flounders Series Book 1) Page 10