by Piper Rayne
I open the blinds and look up and down the road. “Which one?”
“The black minivan,” he says proudly.
I turn toward him and narrow my eyes. “You went from a Camaro to a minivan? Oh, Jamison, I have been putting too much pressure on you.”
Imagining him driving the minivan around like a soccer dad, I laugh. He laughs too, and I end up grabbing my stomach because I’m laughing so hard, I’m afraid that I’m going to rip my stitches out.
“I can’t take it back. The woman at the car rental place hates me.”
“Why would she hate you?”
“Long story. Maybe I should buy myself a car here.”
“You think you’re ready for that type of commitment?” I ask. “Maybe you can get one of those big conversion vans next?”
He doesn’t laugh, although I can tell he wants to, and for a moment, I’m able to forget everything that happened in the past. Maybe there’s hope.
Then the apartment door opens, and Phoenix is standing there scowling at us enjoying one another’s company. Palmer sees Jamison and kicks in her stroller to be freed.
“Is that your mom-mobile down there, Ferguson? Nice kiss-ass move.”
Jamison says nothing. Maverick, the sweetheart he is, unclips Palmer, who runs straight to her daddy. He picks her up with ease and kisses her cheek.
Phoenix shoots me a look across the room like you’re not really buying his shit, right?
I watch Jamison and Palmer, and yeah, I’m buying it. Aren’t there stages of grief? I think I’m over the angry phase. I want to move forward because I do still love Jamison. It’s just the trust we have to work out.
Eighteen
Jamison
I’m close to Sedona’s apartment on Main Street with two bags from Hammer Time Hardware when my phone vibrates in my pocket. My phone doesn’t blow up like it once did, so it’s likely one of two people—Sedona or Merrick. My money is on Merrick since he left me a concerned voicemail yesterday. Concerned meaning he’s worried I’m off the wagon since he hasn’t heard from me.
Stopping at a bench, I place the bags down and answer his call. “Hey, man, I’m sorry. It’s been crazy here.”
“So you’re good?” His voice is calm and steady, even though I know he’s worried. The man’s Zen-like state amazes me.
“I am. Things are progressing.”
“Really?” He sounds in disbelief. Merrick doesn’t know Sedona and has his doubts about whether we could make this work. He didn’t know us as a couple and the love that was there.
“Yeah, we’re trying to be friends at the moment.”
“Okay,” he says, concern in his tone. “Well, I wish you luck. Have you been to a meeting?”
I sit down next to my bags. “No.”
“Jamie, you have to go to a meeting. You need to find a safe place. We agreed that you’d attend one as soon as you arrived to town. Your life is in flux right now, and it’s not the time to skip out on what helps with your recovery.”
I nod. “Yeah, I just got distracted.”
“I know you’re excited to finally be there and back with Sedona and Palmer. I saw how hard you worked to get healthy, but you won’t stay that way if you don’t keep doing the work. The work is the meetings.”
“But—”
“No, I don’t want to hear any excuses. Get yourself to a meeting today. I’m glad you and Sedona are finding common ground, but you never know how it’s going to turn out. If you don’t set yourself up in a good spot, the end of you and Sedona could be the end of you too.”
Merrick isn’t really a tough love kind of guy. He’s more of an encouraging teddy bear. But right now, he’s got the same tone my mum used when she got mad at me for my messy room.
“I’ll find one.”
“Good. Anything else you need to talk about?”
I shake my head even though he can’t see me. “I’m good.”
“Okay. Call me if you need me.”
“I will.” Things with Sedona and I are on track and I want to keep it that way, meaning I hope I don’t need him.
“Take care of yourself, Jamie.”
“I will.”
We say goodbye and I hang up, sitting on the park bench for a moment to collect my thoughts. He’s right, I know he’s right. Merrick has gotten me this far, and just like I would listen to my coach on the pitch, I’m going to listen to him. So I hit the search engine on my phone and find a meeting. Not in Lake Starlight though. Anywhere but Lake Starlight.
When I arrive at Sedona’s, Austin, Holly, Easton, and Harper are just leaving.
“How’re the new parents doing?” I ask.
Austin switches the carrier to his other hand. “I could use some more sleep but I’m not complaining.” He looks down into the carrier with so much love in his eyes it almost feels like I’m a bystander in a private moment.
Holly rolls her eyes. “Last I checked, you weren’t getting up for the midnight feedings.” She chuckles.
“Hey, that’s only because I have to get up for work.”
“Mommy, I’ll do a feeding for you if you want,” Easton says.
We all chuckle and Holly musses with his hair. “Thanks, buddy. You’re a great brother.”
“She’s a beautiful little lass. Congrats again.” I nod and squeeze past them, not an easy feat with all these bags in my hand.
“Bye Jamison,” Holly says before leading Easton down the stairs.
Austin turns and faces me. “How are you doing since you arrived? Good?”
I can tell by the way he’s asking what he really wants to know is whether I’m back on the sauce.
“I’m doing well. Nothing to worry about there.”
He nods and leaves the way Holly did.
I knock on the door and Sedona answers a few seconds later. “What’s in the bags?” she asks.
“I’ll show you. First, let me say hello to my girl.” I set the bags by the front door and close it.
After I’ve played with Palmer, I decide to get to work while Sedona fixes a snack for Palmer.
“Jamison, you don’t have to do this.” Sedona places some cheese and crackers on Palmer’s tray while I install a new strobe light that will go off when someone rings Sedona’s doorbell. “She can’t answer the door on her own yet anyway.”
I turn around, thankful my dad made me help him with small projects around the house when I was younger. “I know, but it will get her used to it for when she’s older.”
She tears open another box that arrived on her doorstep and sighs. I think she’s a little annoyed at the things I’ve purchased. “She has books, Jamie. I’m not a horrible mom.”
Palmer watches me intently while she eats. She’s quiet today, and I like the way I’m starting to understand her different moods. She’s not cranky, but Sedona said Palmer woke up during the night a few times, so she’s tired.
“I know yer not a horrible mum. These are just things I found when I was researching. Which reminds me, I wanted to ask you about something.”
It was hard for me not to go ahead and call Sedona the minute I read an article about cochlear implants. But it was two in the morning and she’s still healing from her C-section.
“I can only imagine.” She waits for me to go on, thumbing through some of the books with her feet up on another chair.
“I read that some kids can have cochlear implants to help them with their hearing?”
She nods. So she knows what I’m talking about. Her lack of excitement says either we’re going to have a tough conversation about whether to try them or not, or she’s already been down this route.
“I talked with her ENT doctor when she was eight months old. She’s not a candidate.” A small frown mars her face.
“Really?” I try to push back my disappointment. I had such high hopes that she’d be able to hear even minimally one day.
She nods. “Sorry.”
I pretend to steal a cracker and Palmer snatches it back from me bef
ore I can pop it into my mouth. She giggles and I kiss her cheek.
“Why would you apologize?” I ask Sedona after I’m back to installing the light.
“I can see that you were excited. Like maybe she could overcome her deafness.”
The tone in her voice makes me stop what I’m doing. “True, I’m disappointed, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“She’s perfect.” But there’s a chip on Sedona’s shoulder that wasn’t there a moment ago.
Okay yeah, I think she’s misunderstood me. I hold up my hand. “She is. I never said she wasn’t.”
“Then why ask about a cochlear implant? Even if she were a candidate, do you really understand what it would mean for her? The teasing? The medical complications? How she might be viewed by the deaf community? Trust me, the deaf community is small enough in this area. I don’t want her to be ostracized from them. My support group is online because we’re almost all too far from one another to have in-person meetings and I have to travel to Anchorage to see her specialist.” She picks up the signs I bought for the lights and some other stuff. “And all this stuff? The new light, the books, the sign language mat for her room? Do you think I’m not doing what I should for her?” She stands slowly from the chair, gripping her stomach, and disappears into the kitchen.
“This has nothing to do with what you’re doing. She’s amazing, and I’m well aware that’s all because of you. All of this is just to help her. The research—”
She huffs. “Do you think I didn’t do my own research? I was the one sitting through the doctor appointments and—”
I break the distance, cornering her against the counter. She draws her face back so we’re not as close. “Breathe. This isn’t me making up for some lack of parenting on your part. This is me trying to be a parent. Finding stuff that I hope will help her. I don’t want her to change, but you bet your arse I want her to have every advantage life has to offer. I’m trying to be a real partner to you, not your competition.”
Her shoulders fall, and I take her hands in mine. “Sorry. I may have overreacted.”
“It’s just the Phoenix side of your personality coming out.”
She shakes her head, but a smile tips the corners of her mouth.
“Yer an amazing mother. I’m trying to help her, that’s all. And you. I mean, if you’ve never spent a dime of the money I sent you, how have you gotten along this entire time?”
Last I knew, she was freelancing for different online magazines, but when I was with her, it wasn’t paying all the bills. Then again, I took care of the mortgage on our condo and all the bills.
“Nothing you need to worry about. But there is something I have to talk to you about.” She nudges me back.
I reluctantly break away from her. “What’s up?”
We go back to the small kitchen table area and find Palmer asleep in her chair. Her head lazily slides to the side and pops back up, then back down again.
“She’s exhausted,” she says.
“Can I put her down?”
“Sure.”
I unstrap Palmer, and she transfers into my arms perfectly.
“Don’t forget to change her,” Sedona says.
I nod, wondering when I won’t get the reminders anymore, but given how long my daughter was without me, I haven’t been back for long. I need to give this time.
I change Palmer’s diaper, get her settled, and lay her down in her crib.
When I return to the living room, Sedona has the screwdriver in hand, finishing the job of installing the light.
“Excuse me,” I say and hold out my open palm for the screwdriver.
Sedona laughs and hands it over. “I was just trying to help you.”
“This is that manly thing where I like to prove myself, remember?”
She holds up both of her hands. “Sure thing. Have at it. I wanted to ask you something.” She sits on the chair nearest me.
“What’s up?”
“I have my appointment at the doctor’s tomorrow for my two-week follow-up. I’ll be clear to drive afterward, but is there any way you can drive me there?”
“Sure. Definitely.” My answer is quick and decisive.
“Around nine? I’m going to ask Kingston to watch Palmer.”
“Can she not go?” I ask.
“It’s easier without her truthfully.”
I sit on the chair next to her. “What if we took her and then went somewhere after? Like the park, the zoo, somewhere just the three of us?”
Our gazes lock, and I can tell she’s working through it in her head. I brace myself for the no.
She shrugs. “Sure.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I think Palmer will really like that.”
“I’ll be here at eight-thirty?”
“Perfect.”
For the rest of Palmer’s naptime, I continue doing some odd jobs while Sedona cleans the kitchen. Other than a few sly glances where I caught her looking at me because I was checking her out, it’s a platonic afternoon. I have to think if she weren’t fresh off a C-section and we were in a different place, we’d have spent the downtime in bed together.
That night, after I leave Sedona’s, I find a meeting in Sunrise Bay. I sit down in the circle of chairs in the church basement, and when it’s my turn, I stand and announce my new truth that still rattles me with the fear that I could very well end up there again.
“Hi, I’m Jamison, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Jamison,” the small group says in unison.
I sit back down and drink my water.
Merrick was right. The most depressing part of my day is when I leave Sedona and Palmer to spend a lonely night in my room at Glacier Point. I could easily slip out of control if I’m not careful. I’m not sure how I’d handle it if things don’t work out between us, and I don’t want to end up looking at the bottom of an empty bottle of booze again.
Nineteen
Sedona
After strapping Palmer into her car seat, we climb into Jamison’s minivan rental.
“I feel like I should take a picture to preserve this fine moment.” I hold up my phone.
“You do and I’ll take one of you when you leak,” he teases.
I shove my phone back into my purse. Unfortunately, Jamison has seen me leak through too many times. I’m not used to nursing without a baby around, and I’m not on a good schedule with my pumping. I push myself too long most days.
As he drives, I give him the directions to my doctor’s office. I watch him maneuver the minivan around town and still can’t get over how odd it looks. A minivan just doesn’t fit Jamison.
In the parking lot, he takes care of Palmer, even carrying the diaper bag. Seems weird not to be wheeling a stroller and having my hands full of stuff while I get us from point A to point B. A girl could get used to this.
Once we’re in the doctor’s office, we sit, and Palmer goes to play with another girl and some toys in the corner. We watch her share blocks, then the girl asks Palmer her name and she doesn’t respond. The mom glances at us and buries her head in her magazine. The little girl dips her head to Palmer and asks again, telling her her name and that she’s three.
When Palmer still doesn’t respond, the little girl approaches us. “Can she talk?”
Jamison stiffens next to me, and I place my hand on his. “She’s deaf.”
I rise to get up, but Jamison’s hand slides out of mine before he gestures for me to sit. He crouches down to Palmer’s level, getting her attention. He signs to her the girl’s name and that she wants to know Palmer’s name. Palmer smiles at the little girl, then signs her name as though the little girl should understand her.
“Her name is Palmer,” I say. “She just used sign language to answer your question.”
The mom peeks up again and closes the magazine, leaning forward to touch her daughter’s arm.
Palmer looks at the little girl and smiles again. Hi. Nice to meet you.
The littl
e girl asks how old she is. Jamison sits cross-legged and acts as an interpreter between the two, signing the entire time even though Palmer probably won’t catch all that he’s signing.
The mom looks at Jamison as if she wants to eat him up, and protectiveness runs hot in my veins.
“Sedona Bailey,” the nurse calls.
Jamison signs to Palmer to say bye, which she does.
“You can stay here if you want. It might be a little… graphic,” I say.
Jamison continues to stand, picking up Palmer. “No, I want to hear what the doctor says.”
“Um, why?”
“Because you won’t be truthful with me about your restrictions.” He winks at me and smiles at the nurse. “This is Sedona.”
Katie, the nurse’s eyes shoot up to her eyebrows. “I’m aware. And who are you?”
“Katie, this is Jamison.”
“I’m Palmer’s dad,” he says proudly, and my heart skips a beat. He passes Katie and walks down the hallway.
“Exam room four,” Katie says and follows him with her gaze then looks back at me. “Oh. Nice,” she whispers.
I smile and follow her to the exam room. Inside, Jamison is already on the guest chair with Palmer, bouncing her on his knee as if she’s on a roller coaster. Her body wobbles around. Though Palmer’s always been a happy baby, with Jamison, her smile is a little wider, a little fuller. She’s already fallen for him.
Dr. Estes knocks and peeks her head in. She eyes Jamison, then me. “Hello.”
“Hi, Dr. Estes, this is Jamison Ferguson—Palmer’s dad.” I almost choke out the words, but they do come.
She smiles and puts her hand out for Jamison. They shake hands, and she signs to Palmer. Hello. How are you?
Hi. Palmer points at Jamison with a big smile. Daddy.
Dr. Estes looks at me and grins. Yep, everyone thinks this is great. Palmer’s happy, Jamison is happy, and I desperately want to be happy.
Jamison sets Palmer so her legs are on either side of his thighs and he raises his hands. As Dr. Estes asks me questions, Jamison signs most of what we’re saying. I’m sure Palmer has no idea what he’s signing. He’s superfast.