by Rosie Danan
Growing up, Clara watched her parents make a lot of sacrifices out of love for their children, but never before had a man done anything like this out of love for her. Did she really deserve it?
So much of Josh felt too good to be true. After three months of telling herself, That’s not for you. Those eyes, those hands, that mouth, that kindness, that humor. None of it belongs to you and don’t you dare kid yourself. Even hearing the story from one of the most authoritative people she’d ever met felt surreal.
“I didn’t do it for you,” Josh said.
Clara’s shoulders sank. “Oh.”
“But I was able to do it because of you.”
He traced the curve of her cheek with the back of his hand. When Josh touched her he completed a circuit, so that electricity poured back and forth between their bodies, making every inch of her more alive.
“All of this feels big,” he said. “Not just how I love you, and not just Shameless, but this chance with Toni to help people I care about on a larger scale.” He spoke with his hands, the movement generating enthusiasm behind his words like propellers on a boat. “I never thought I would make a positive impact. If doing this, testifying and stuff, if that creates a safer work environment for sex workers, if it protects the industry from men like Pruitt, I don’t see that as abandoning porn, or turning traitor. This case would benefit everyone in this business who’s ever gotten taken for a ride.”
Josh rubbed the back of his neck. “And okay, maybe it is a little bit for you, Clara. But I don’t mind. Because when you left two nights ago, I realized I’d do anything in my power to show you how much you mean to me.”
Pain flashed in his eyes again. “I was stupid and scared. So sure you would reject me that I pushed you away. I wanted to point to you as proof of my own inferiority. I let society’s opinion of my worth declare me unqualified, before you got the chance. I thought if I could start by helping you get your job back that maybe you’d at least let me talk to you about the rest of it, the ‘loving you’ part.”
He pulled a folded sheet of loose-leaf paper out of his pocket. “I took the liberty of making a list of pros and cons.”
“You did?” Clara stared at the document. “That’s so romantic.”
“There are a lot of terrifying women in my life right now, but I don’t care,” Josh said. “Because when I look at you, Clara, it’s like a rabid beast inside me sits back on its haunches and sighs, Finally. But I want to make sure you’re cool with this. All of it. Before we go any further, have you spoken to your family?”
Clara closed her eyes. This question, among so many other wonderful things about this moment, showed her that Josh had listened, that he cared.
“No. Not yet. But I think somehow it’s going to be okay. It’ll be painful, don’t get me wrong, but I’m getting a lot more comfortable with discomfort. You were right. I’ve used my family as an excuse to avoid things that scared me, even good things, for too long. I’m done asking for permission. I’m choosing my own life. They’ll forgive me eventually. I won’t take no for an answer.”
“Damn. This has been a big day,” Josh said with a panty-dropping grin. “How you feeling?”
“Grateful.” Clara perched on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Thank you. You know, I don’t think I would have been content as a silent partner of Shameless in the end. I think I would have read the press coverage and watched the subscribers roll in and seethed with jealousy. I care about it too much. I do want to help Toni win reelection and take down Pruitt, but I think when the campaign’s over I might focus full-time on the site for a while, burn through a little more of my trust fund.”
His hands traveled from her hair down past her waist to flirt with the hem of her dress. The brush of his knuckles against the outside of her thighs was enough to send a bolt of desire down her spine.
When she spoke, her words came out a little breathless. “It’s not every day you get to topple a porn empire.”
chapter thirty-eight
TWO YEARS LATER . . .
YOU’RE BURNING THE turkey,” Clara whispered in his ear. She lowered the oven temperature significantly but pushed up on her tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek to soften the blow.
“Your dad said he likes a ‘golden brown bird with crispy skin.’” Josh knuckled sheepishly at his cheekbone.
“Looks plenty crispy to me.” She pressed her hands over his shoulders, urging his rumpled button-down to lie flat. “I’ve never seen you this nervous.”
“This is the first time the Wheaton and Conners families are having Thanksgiving under one roof. Not to mention a few stray interlopers.” He turned back to the oven. “I’m striving for excellence.”
Clara tugged on the bow of the gingham apron tied around his hips. “Yes, well, your mother said if you don’t go out there and introduce her to Toni, she will have no choice but to show the DA your embarrassing baby pictures. I wouldn’t chance it. She brought an entire album. I know because she took me through it within five minutes of her arrival.”
“I told her that Toni hates small talk.” Josh grumbled. “She only stopped by to drop off a dish of her famous yams.”
“It almost upsetting that she manages to be good at so many different things,” Clara said. After the Granger campaign had won reelection, Clara had stepped down from the PR firm to work full-time on Shameless, but Toni had remained a constant in their lives.
During the battle against Black Hat, the DA had declared Josh one of the best witnesses she’d ever worked with, calling him her secret weapon to unlocking what many had called a next-to-impossible victory. On the day the guilty verdict came in against Pruitt and his empire, cementing Toni’s place in public service history, the attorney had invited Josh to train as an expert witness so he could continue to represent the interests of the adult entertainment community on behalf of her office.
He’d taken her up on the offer and continued to advocate for reform within the industry, in addition to his responsibilities for Shameless.
Naomi strolled in from the den. The smoke detector chose that moment to start wailing.
“There’s a joke on the tip of my tongue about how you two sure know how to heat up a room.” The redhead grabbed a chair and stood on it to wave a dish towel at the incessant siren. “I’m used to putting out your fires at work every day, Connecticut, but when I accepted your offer to come over for a holiday meal, I didn’t know I’d have to battle a literal blaze.”
“What can I say, when you fall in love with the hottest man in the world, you learn to accept the threat of occasional combustion.” Clara gazed adoringly at Josh until her business partner made an exaggerated retching sound.
“If you don’t can it with that mushy crap I’ll have no choice but to sleep with your brother,” Naomi said, her tone serious.
Clara gasped. “You wouldn’t try to sleep with Oliver.”
Despite the astonishing success of their website, which now had almost thirty full-time employees, the two women still loved to test each other’s boundaries.
“Oh, honey.” Naomi batted her eyelashes and dismounted the chair, having vanquished the alarm. “I wouldn’t have to try.” She sauntered back to rejoin the party.
“I’ve gotta get out there.” Clara moved to follow as her mother rushed into the kitchen.
“Your brother spilled Cabernet all over the society pages.” She held up a sheet of soggy newspaper. Red wine bled into the headline Roommates Turned Business Partners Say “I Do”: Wheaton to Wed Conners.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Josh said, winking at Clara as he moved to fetch a replacement. “We’ve got that one laminated.”
Crisis averted, Clara guided her mother back to the living room. She returned to find her fiancé fiddling with an electric lighter. “I thought I could brûlée the yams,” he said in explanation. “Give ’em a little extra pizzazz.”
&n
bsp; “Let’s not tempt fate,” she said, removing the apparatus from his hands. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you.”
“Haven’t you ever done something stupid to impress someone you liked?” Josh wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in for a lingering kiss.
acknowledgments
I always thought I’d write a book. I just never expected anyone to read it. The brilliant surprise of realizing I was wrong would not have been possible, or as sweet, without the following people:
My agent, Jessica Watterson. Thank you for being incredibly good at selling books, but also for nailing a lot of other jobs including coach, cheerleader, and part-time therapist, which do not appear on your résumé but could if you wanted to add them. I will be forever grateful for your cool head. Thank you for backing this book out of the gate, and for finding it the best home.
My editor, Kristine Swartz. You have always made me feel like this story was both different and special, and you have guided us (me and the book both) to live up to that potential through your skill and empathy.
Jessica Brock, Jessica Mangicaro, and everyone at Berkley who helped this story reach readers. You all are the best in the business, and I’m still pinching myself that I get to work with your exceptional team.
Heather Van Fleet and Lana Sloane. The two of you changed my life when you decided to mentor me and this book. You were the first people to take my writing seriously. Your fingerprints remain across these pages. I love you. Thank you.
The Pitch Wars organization, past and present. This community has given me the greatest gift, in both craft and friendship. I can never repay you, but I plan to keep trying.
My entire Pitch Wars mentee class, but especially the motley crew on Slack. You are my found family. Thank you for sharing every step of this wild journey with me. I would not have made it here without you.
My brilliant critique partner, Lyssa Smith. I don’t know what I would have done if we hadn’t found each other. I’m keeping you forever.
Lane Rodgers. Thank you for lending your subject matter expertise to this book in the most thoughtful way imaginable. Your support for this story and its goal of promoting the adult film industry positively and accurately means so much.
My debut sister-in-arms, Denise Williams. I don’t know what I would have done without being able to share this experience with you. I’m very grateful we’ve had each other’s backs at every turn.
The ARWA chapter, especially Liz Locke and Nadine Latief. Thank you for making a home for me in Austin and making me feel like my dreams weren’t just dreams.
The founders and community of All the Kissing. You’ve created something so special for the romance genre. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.
My hometown friends, with a special shout-out to my early readers, Emily and Ilona, who believed in this story and its potential, and to Quinn, who doesn’t care about rom-coms and still listened to me talk about this one nonstop for years. Your faith in me has filled me up on so many days, both good and bad. I love you all so much.
My best roommate, Jess DiFrancesco. Thank you for being the first person to read this book. I would not have had it any other way.
Meryl Wilsner and Ruby Barrett. What can I say? Some days you’re my heartbeat. Some days you’re my deep sigh. You’re my tears of laughter and strife. You’re in my words. Thank you for your friendship.
My family (immediate and extended). Thank you for your endless enthusiasm for my writing, especially because I provided you with such limited information about the contents of this book and constantly insisted that you could not/should not read it. Every time you celebrated my progress or showed interest in my work, you made all the difference.
My dad. You instilled and cultivated my love of reading from an early age. You turned bookstores into my favorite places in the world. You once promised to always buy me books and have never appeared to regret that decision—despite many years of my abusing that kindness in my quest to read every one with a pink cover. (Here’s another book with a pink cover you had to buy. Sorry. I love you.)
My mom. You’re the hardest-working person I know, and in so many ways, you shaped who I am as a woman. You helped make me brave enough to be a writer, and specifically the writer of this book—of which I am so proud.
Micah Benson. The dedication is already super mushy, so I’m going to make this pretty practical. Thank you for picking up my slack, for reading every page of this book in multiple drafts (often while I sat across from you staring), for believing in me even when I don’t believe in myself. Thank you for celebrating this story in your art (especially when I didn’t explicitly make you do it), and for admitting that I am, on specific occasions, funny. I love you. I love you. I love you.
questions for discussion
1. At the beginning of the book, both Clara and Josh have built their lives around other people’s expectations (in Josh’s case, the lack of them). Which of their internalized societal roles was hardest to unlearn?
2. The Roommate flips several genre tropes on their heads—the boy next door, Everett, becomes a lazy antagonist instead of the love interest, and Naomi, the “jealous ex-girlfriend,” becomes a partner and confidant. How would this story have been different if either one of those tropes hadn’t been subverted?
3. Clara tells Josh that her past partners have let her down in the bedroom, and that “it seemed more efficient” to handle the situation herself. Why do you think she felt that way?
4. Early in the book, Clara believes certain negative stigmas about porn and adult performers that she works through by examining her own bias and getting to know Josh, Naomi, and other industry professionals. Did you find yourself examining any of your own ideas about porn or adult performers as you read the novel? How can we break down the stigma against sex work and make the world safer for and more accepting of sex workers?
5. While going into business together brings Josh and Clara closer, it also presents a barrier to their entering into a romantic relationship. Do you think starting Shameless ultimately helped or hindered their love story?
6. Clara and her aunt Jill have several parallels—they both followed their hearts to social notoriety and escaped to L.A. with next to no plan. But while Jill cuts all ties with the Wheaton family after receiving their censure, Clara refuses to let them push her away. Why doesn’t Clara also abandon the Wheatons in the wake of her own scandal?
7. Do you think Josh and Clara would have gotten together if his contract dispute hadn’t led him to stop performing while they were roommates?
8. After moving across the country in pursuit of unrequited love, Clara asks Josh, “Haven’t you ever done something stupid to impress someone you liked?” Well, have you? And perhaps more importantly, was it worth it?
9. Josh and Clara go from being roommates to being engaged in the epilogue. What do you think changed when they started living together as romantic partners?
Photo by Micah Benson
ROSIE DANAN writes steamy, bighearted books about the trials and triumphs of modern love. When not writing, she enjoys jogging slowly to fast music, petting other people’s dogs, and competing against herself in rounds of Chopped using the miscellaneous ingredients occupying her fridge. As an American expat living in London, Rosie regularly finds herself borrowing slang that doesn’t belong to her.
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