by A. D. Ellis
Fuck.
Sex for the sake of sex—minus the feelings—would have been so much easier. Why did I have to go and realize I actually liked Khi?
If I told Khi I had feelings for him that weren’t just sex I risked smashing whatever we’d started building.
And yet, if you’re not honest with him, you risk your heart. No man—no sex—is worth compromising who you are or jeopardizing your heart.
I sighed, knowing my friends and my head were right, but scared to death to take that step. If I left things the way they were, I got good sex, the chance to get closer to Khi, and no drama. But if I told him the truth, I risked finding out that his truth didn’t include feelings for me and I wasn’t sure my heart could take it.
Because…
Fuck.
I’d gone and fallen for him. I tossed my notebook to the side. Things were so much easier when we just hated each other.
Whatever, you know damn well you wouldn’t give up what you’ve got with Khi to go back to all that tension and animosity.
I sighed. Yeah, because the tension and uncertainty are so much better.
I pretended to be asleep when Khi came in after a late evening at the gym. My chest ached and my head swam in a murky pool of indecision despite my heart knowing exactly what it wanted.
Twelve
Khi
Dre was distant.
Maybe distant wasn’t the right word.
Distracted?
Ever since the night I’d come home from the gym to find him pretending to be asleep, he’d seemed off.
The thoughts plagued me as I showered and prepared for a shift.
And as much as I hated to admit it, it bothered me that Dre had pulled away.
I was a damn grown-ass man. I had no business being butt-hurt when my fuck buddy feigned sleep to avoid me. Would’ve been nice if he’d just been honest and said he didn’t want sex—it stung that he didn’t think he could opt out without faking.
Since that night, there was just something different about him.
We still fucked like damn bunnies and there were no complaints in the sex department. We still chatted about the most random, inane things on shift.
Boring shit like favorite colors, foods, movies and TV shows, and books, but stupid shit too.
If you could choose to be a dinosaur-sized chicken or a chicken-sized dinosaur, which would you pick and why?
Would you rather eat with your toes or walk on your hands?
If you were banished to a faraway land, where would you go and why?
I scrubbed my face and let the warm water wash over me.
It irritated the fuck out of me, but I found myself looking forward to our shifts. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d ever speak to Dre again, let alone yearn for his kisses, savor his touch, and enjoy spending time with him.
Honestly, I’d started to wonder if I’d ever have that kind of connection with anyone, not just the man I’d sworn I hated for nearly a decade.
After Blaine—after losing so many years to a loveless, toxic relationship…yeah, I could admit that’s what we’d had—I sometimes believed I didn’t deserve a second chance and didn’t know how to love someone.
Despite the warmth of the water, my blood ran cold.
Love? No way.
There was no way I loved Dre.
Right?
Swallowing thickly, I finished rinsing as I digested the idea.
Enjoyed spending time with him?
Check.
Thought about him throughout the day?
Check.
Looked forward to our stupid, random chats? Savored sleepy morning cuddles? Found myself thinking further down the line past our current fuck buddy status?
Check, check, and check.
Holy shit, maybe I did love Dre.
I dried myself and wiped the condensation from the mirror.
Leave it to my screwed-up ass to realize I’d gone and fallen for the guy right as he started to pull away.
Maybe he’s not pulling away from you. Maybe he’s distracted by something else? His designs? Worrying about Bev?
True. And if that was the case, I was even more ridiculous for pouting over it.
As much as I despised admitting it, though, I missed that connection we’d been building. There was still a spark between us, still that attraction and pull, but it was as if Dre was trying his best to temper the heat, dull the spark, deny the attraction.
And that hurt.
Which pissed me off—at myself—because we’d agreed to fuck buddies, nothing more, so I had no right to feel bereft.
Rolling my eyes at myself in the mirror, I yanked on some underwear and walked to the bedroom. Opting to pull on my uniform—I’d change into workout gear at the station if the shift was slow—I stared for way too long at Dre’s bed.
Okay, so I had feelings for him.
That didn’t clear our past.
Gee, dumbass, maybe the two of you could talk about your past, clear the air like Dre has suggested numerous times, and move on.
The thought of dredging all of that shit up sat in my stomach like a brick. I wasn’t one for lots of emotional talk. I didn’t grow up that way, Blaine and I definitely didn’t do well with communication, and honestly, the thought of talking about the past scared the shit out of me.
Yeah well, maybe get the fuck over yourself.
Did it even matter? Maybe I’d pushed Dre too far and he’d realized I wasn’t worth the trouble.
Hell, he’d not even offered me coffee the last few times he’d made it—and that shit hurt…which was absolutely ridiculous.
So, to recap, I thought to myself sardonically, the guy I found myself attracted to ten years ago quickly became the guy I hated for stupid shit that happened between us as kids. We met up again, got forced to work and live together, slowly figured out that attraction was still there, and stupidly agreed to casual fucking. Then, after getting to know him as a colleague, pseudo friend, and sex partner, my dumb ass went and fell in love with him right at the moment he decided I wasn’t worth the trouble. So now, I’m in a love with a man I used to hate, I despise the fact that I don’t know what to do about it, and I’m heading to spend a long-ass shift with him—which should fill me with dread, but I can’t help but feel excited just to spend time with him.
Fuck.
My.
Life.
I grabbed my bag and headed down the stairs.
I didn’t know how to deal with any of this shit, but I was determined to at least try. First step, offer to ride share with Dre. I’d been ridiculous to refuse that back when we got put on the same shift. It wasn’t like riding together would fix shit, but it was hopefully a nice gesture and he’d see I was interested in keeping things moving in the right direction.
Right direction? What right direction? You agreed to fuck buddies. Dre thinks that’s all you are to each other. Maybe that’s all he wants from you. If you can’t man up and tell him how you’re feeling, no amount of nice gestures will take the place of communication and honesty.
I pushed away the thought. I just wasn’t the type to do well with all that open, honest, feely communication shit. I wanted more than just sex with Dre, but I wasn’t about to take part in some creepy couples therapy to pour out my heart about it.
I found Dre in the kitchen, the scent of coffee filling the air.
Without a second thought, not caring who else might be around—although, Dre had filled me in that several people knew about us—I wrapped my arms around Dre’s chest and pressed my front against his back. “Good morning,” I murmured at his ear, trying to forget that he’d been a little off lately.
His soft moan and the way he dropped his head to the side, offering the soft skin of his neck to me, sent a jolt straight to my cock. “Morning.”
“You wanna ride together this morning?”
Dre turned in my arms and cocked a brow. “Why?”
I shrugged. “Seems dumb to dr
ive separately when we leave at the same time to go to the same place.”
“Gee,” he deadpanned, “if only someone had suggested that way back when we found ourselves on the same shift.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I answered. “If only someone hadn’t been a douche and refused something as simple as a car pool.”
Dre smiled softly and chewed on his sexy, full lip. “You want a coffee?”
Heat and hope ballooned in my chest. “Yeah, coffee would be great.”
Dre’s look of shock, followed by something I couldn’t quite name, rocked me to the core. Right then and there, I vowed I’d do whatever it took to keep that look of…happiness? Serenity? Hope?...on Dre’s face all the time.
A few minutes later, both of us armed with coffee in hand, we headed out the backdoor and down the steps.
“Oh shit, it’s slick,” Dre said as he nearly busted his ass on the last step.
Sure enough, we’d gotten some kind of icy snow mix overnight and it coated every surface. “Damn, let’s throw some salt down real quick.”
Dre took my coffee and I grabbed a bag of ice salt from the shed. After sprinkling it on the steps and walkway, I texted the crew to warn them of the slick conditions and told Bev not to drive until the roads were cleared.
“I’ll drive,” Dre offered just as I realized Spencer’s truck was parked behind my car.
Technically, I could have grabbed his keys from inside and moved his truck, but Dre’s car had a straight shot and we were edging closer to being pushed for time.
We piled into Dre’s car. Funny how before we started working together, there was no way I would have been okay with him driving. But now? No problem. He was a good driver and I’d kinda gotten used to him hauling my ass around every shift.
“Thanks for the coffee,” I said, realizing that I meant it. No one had ever taken care of me and the simple act of Dre making me a cup of coffee meant a lot more than I was willing to analyze at that exact moment.
“No worries, it’s not that big of a deal,” Dre answered as he pulled onto a side road that would eventually get us to the station. He and I both had a habit of taking the back way to and from work—it was a quiet, scenic route and, for me at least, gave a moment of peace as I took in the creek and trees. Of course, right now, the trees were mostly bare and the winter darkness kept us from seeing anything, but the road still seemed to be the go-to for both of us.
“It kinda is a big deal,” I said. “No one has ever done much nice for me. My mom left without so much as a backward glance. My dad didn’t have a nice bone in his body. Gabby needed me to look after her. Blaine most definitely didn’t do nice shit for me.” I sipped the warm coffee. “I mean, he provided for me while I was in school and then after I blew out my knee and became a paramedic, but none of what he did for me or gave to me was just for the sake of being nice. He lorded it over me.”
Before I could word vomit any more—I thought I wasn’t the type to talk about all the feely shit?—I took another sip of coffee and shut my damn mouth.
“I like doing things for you,” Dre answered softly. “Making a cup of coffee isn’t a huge thing, but it’s a little way of letting you know I’m thinking of you. Nothing wrong with starting the day off right.”
I smiled and took his hand. What the fuck was happening to me? Trying to balance the beating of my heart and the chaos in my head, I glanced out the window and noticed just how dark it was. “Damn, are the street lights out?”
Dre put both hands on the wheel and focused on the road. “Yeah, power must be out in this part of town. Damn, there’s quite a bit of ice. This road probably wasn’t the best idea today.”
Dre was right, had we been thinking and not just following habit, we should have stuck to in-town roads since they’d get cleared sooner. Truly, going through town was actually a shorter route, but the back way was just less stressful—at least that was why I always took it.
Just as I started to ask if maybe we should turn around and hit the in-town roads, Dre yelped as the car hit a patch of ice and careened sideways. No amount of pumping the brakes slowed the vehicle’s rapid slide along the sheet of ice. Gritting my teeth and holding on for dear life, I cursed when the car hopped the curb and barreled down the small embankment toward the trees and the water. The creek wasn’t deep, but crashing into a tree or nose diving into the water wasn’t going to turn out well.
Our bouncy ride down the hill ended abruptly thanks to a head-on collision with a large tree. Grateful our velocity had been lessened by the rough terrain, I still grunted heavily on impact as the driver’s side airbag whooshed to deploy.
Fuck. I’d seen enough injuries from airbags to know they were lifesavers in a lot of cases but not always concern-free.
As the rumbling from the crash dissipated, and the quiet of the dark, icy morning settled around us, I immediately did a quick self-assessment and determined I had some bumps and bruises, but nothing severe.
Turning to Dre, I pushed away the airbag material and called his name. “Dre? Hey,” I fought a bit of panic in my voice when he didn’t instantly reply. “Hey, Dre, you good? Dre?”
He stirred with a moan, but concern flowed through me that the impact—either from the tree or the airbag—had knocked him out, even if just for a moment.
“Shit,” he croaked. “Damn ice. I’m so sorry.” He winced as he tried to shift in his seat.
“Hey, nothing to be sorry about. Ice is a bitch; that big ol’ patch would have challenged the best of them.” I unhooked my seatbelt and moved to examine him more closely. The dark made it difficult and I searched for my phone. “Fuck, I can’t find my phone. Do you have yours?”
After several moments of hunting for our phones, I finally gave up. “Probably under the seats or in the back somewhere.” I pressed the button for the dome light and gave a silent thank you that the light still worked. “Okay, let me take a look at you.” I slipped into paramedic mode and did a full assessment.
Despite the dim conditions, I did my best to check his pupils and they seemed reactive. His left eye was already swollen shut from the airbag smacking him in the face and trickles of blood flowed from his busted nose, cheek bone, and lip.
I knew from the way my chest area ached from the seatbelt that Dre was likely in even more pain thanks to the airbag—mine should have deployed, but for whatever reason it didn’t and I had to admit I was grateful in the current situation.
“Fuck, we need to get to work,” Dre muttered and reached for his door handle.
I put a hand out to pause his movement. “Hold up,” I said calmly despite the unease building inside—my gut said it was his belligerence talking and not confusion, but with possible head injuries, you never really knew. “You’re not going to be able to open your door, there’s a tree pressed against it.” I glanced toward my own door and saw there was a bit more room on my side, but there was no way I’d be able to squeeze through thanks to the way the car had wedged between the trees before it struck the one in front of us.
“We’re not going to work today,” I said. “But the good thing is that they’re going to miss us soon and with the roads the way they are, they’ll come looking. We need to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in for as long as possible.” Thank God Dre had been blasting the heater during the drive. The cold would seep in, but keeping the warmth for as long as possible was my goal.
Dre groaned and rested his head against the seat. “Damn, I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. Is my face as bad as it feels?”
I winced. “You’re pretty banged up. How’s your chest?”
“Feels like a herd of elephants stomped on me.” He turned a lazy smile my way. “Is that right? Herd? Do elephants travel in herds?”
I chuckled. “I think so.”
Dre’s eyes drooped.
“Hey, hey, no sleeping. I’m not sure about your head, you may have a concussion. Let’s stay awake. Once you’re at the hospital and they have you monitored, you can rest.”
Worry for Dre’s head and any internal injuries ramped up inside.
“Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”
He snorted softly. “Like I was in a car wreck and smashed into a tree.”
I smiled. “Internal pain?” Bleeding organs—whether brain or spleen or something else were always a worry. I was pretty confident his head injury wasn’t severe, but internal bleeding didn’t always present right away.
“Sleepy and my whole body seems to be throbbing. No severe internal pain, just the expected pain from the seatbelt, airbag, and impact.” He groaned. “Why am I so tired?”
“Adrenaline is wearing off.”
He nodded. “Don’t know that I can stay awake.”
I reached for his hand. “I’ll keep you awake. We can talk until rescue gets here.”
“Julia’s gonna be pissed we’re not on shift,” Dre muttered.
“She’ll deal. Not like we did it on purpose.” I mentally calculated we likely had about thirty minutes before they sent someone out to find us. If no one showed by then, I’d figure out a way to maneuver myself to the back and crawl out—even though I didn’t want to let in more cold or leave Dre. Or I’d at least try to find a phone—I swore they were probably under the seats, but the impact had squished things just enough that crawling all over to find them was not going to be super easy.
I checked Dre’s pupils and pulse again. If he seemed to get worse, I’d push the time sooner. I worried if I tried to leave the car, Dre would try to join me, panic, or fall asleep with a possible concussion.
“Can I ask you something?” Dre mumbled.
“If it means you stay awake with a possible concussion, definitely.” I took his hand and he stared down at where our bodies met in the smallest of touches.
“Why did you hate me back then? Even before the disastrous kiss? You were always annoyed by me.” Dre leaned his head back again, but his thumb continuously caressed the back of my hand.
“Honestly?”
He cracked an eye and gave me a look. “We’re literally stuck in a triangular grove of trees, my car is busted, I’m busted and probably have a concussion. Yeah, I want honesty.”