One Jewish Boy

by Stephen Laughton

  What are you doing?

  JESSE. Wait you’ve got like a smudge on your nose and it’s really cute –

  ALEX. Stop it –

  JESSE. I can’t have an argument with you if you look really cute –

  ALEX. I argue with you when you look cute all the time.

  JESSE. Do you think I look cute?

  ALEX. You can’t just make a joke to sidetrack me whenever we’re having a discussion…

  JESSE. Do you think I look cute, though?

  ALEX. You look beautiful.

  JESSE. You do.

  Her reaction. Relenting.

  ALEX. Look, I’m sorry I said that I’m glad we’re having a girl.

  But I am… I’m sorry. I don’t want to circumcise my son.

  His reaction.

  Oh come on… / we just –

  JESSE. This is how it starts.

  ALEX. What starts?

  JESSE. A criticism here. A modification, a retraction…

  Then you separate. Redefine a liberty.

  Then before you know it –

  JESSE. Yes actually. I do tire of the worry that yes… any day now – they’re coming for us.

  ALEX (frustration, rather than fury). WHO JESSE??? WHO…

  JESSE. Take your pick! Every other religious group.

  The far right – actually the not-far-off-the-centre left – Jeremy Corbyn!

  ALEX. Do I look like Jeremy Corbyn?

  JESSE. You look worse because you look like you’re on my side /

  ALEX. I AM ON YOUR SIDE.

  JESSE. No you’re not because EVERYONE –

  Everyone Alex, everyone hates the DIRTY FUCKING JEWS…

  It never stops. And I’m scared Alex. I’m actually fucking scared.

  ALEX. Why do you think I hate you? I’m your… Jesse. I love you…

  JESSE (carrying on). And I’m fucking sick of it. All the time. That guy up there. Your dad / you have introduced me to like twice because there are –

  ALEX. Don’t bring my dad into this.

  JESSE. And because Jews do not fit traditional definitions of marginalisation –

  ALEX. What the fuck is a traditional form of marginalisation?

  JESSE. Anti-Semitism places Jews as powerful, dominating, and privileged. So, if Jews are oppressors – nice. Educated. North. London. Boys. Then they cannot be included in intersectional coalitions, and their experience of oppression is erased.

  ALEX. Speak English.

  JESSE. Exactly. EXACTLY.

  ALEX. Don’t you see that part of the problem here is that you’re standing there sounding like an academic fucken –

  The accusation of white privilege plays exactly into that Jews equals the oppressor who controls your banks and your money and your media and your government anti-Semitic fucking – bullshit.

  Like white privilege ever protected us from ANYTHING.

  ALEX. I will scream.

  JESSE. Then scream. Someone needs to fucking well scream.

  ALEX. We’re talking about circumcising my son.

  JESSE. No we’re not.

  ALEX. Well maybe because nothing is ever a simple conversation with you.

  JESSE. Loyalty. Oppression. Control and blood libel. / The four pillars of anti-Semitism.

  ALEX. We’re not talking about circumcising – ?

  JESSE. Untrustworthy. Repressive. Dominating. And dangerous. That is always. Always the fucking accusation at the heart of anti-Semitism.

  ALEX. I have never ever –

  JESSE. You’re doing it now… You’re locating a run-of-the-mill custom right into the middle of blood libel, into the middle of dangerous –

  ALEX. No I’m not –

  JESSE. – and you can’t help it because it’s been drummed into you so fucking hard that there is a part of you that worries that I’m so fucking heartless that I would hurt my own fucking child.

  JESSE. So on a domestic scale it’s kind of fucking shit actually and has stopped you ever quite trusting me but on a grand scale Alex… out there… On a grand fucking scale… that distrust in us leads right to the next Holocaust…

  ALEX. NO IT DOESNT.

  JESSE (not stopping). Because fascism, and this is a form of exactly that fascism, works on the idea of –

  ALEX. Testing yes blah. Testing…

  I was there when you proposed…

  JESSE. You keep undermining me. Just listen!

  JESSE (talking over her). Hello, my name is Dirty Jew.

  ALEX (talking over him). I get it better than anyone you know.

  JESSE (talking over her). So Jeremy Corbyn refusing to accept the full International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance definition of anti-Semitism for instance is a test run…

  ALEX. They accepted it!

  JESSE (talking over her). After three months… to stave off a leadership challenge… it’s not the same and it plays precisely into that split-loyalty idea, and then what? Down and down, further and further until we find history repeating itself. Expulsions. Pograms. Ghettos. The Holocaust. All over again. Enabled because Zionism is a swear word and the accusation of apartheid is the nuclear weapon.

  I don’t personally know any Jew who doesn’t want a peaceful resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian problem.

  I’m sure some exist, there are extremists everywhere, but to treat a whole community as if they all cheering on Netan-fuck-you is ridiculous.

  It’s anti-Semitic. Hate.

  And it’s the narrative… this vermin group is brutal, this vermin group is evil, this vermin group is not nought point nought one per cent of the British people, this vermin group is the secret dark power who killed your God and aims to enslave you.

  This vermin group is dangerous. This vermin group has to go.

  ALEX. We’re talking about my hypothetical son.

  JESSE. Your hypothetical son who you’ve been brainwashed to think will be abused by this very vermin group… a group not content with killing the children of Palestinians – school bombings, or Christians – blood sacrifices, even their own poor children – circumcision – aren’t safe.

  ALEX. I have not been brainwashed…

  JESSE. I hear the shit you say –

  ALEX. What?

  JESSE. The micro-aggressions all the time…

  ALEX. Are you serious-(ly) – ?

  JESSE. And it’s now at the point where I’m seriously considering whether it’s actually just safer to move to Israel.

  ALEX. We are NOT moving to Israel.

  JESSE. There you go.

  ALEX. Don’t you dare…

  JESSE. It’s not your fault – it’s why I let it go all the time, it’s ingrained…

  ALEX. So, I, your wife, the mother of your child, the woman who stood by you when you had an affair / is an anti-Semite…?

  JESSE. The woman who jumped so fucking high at the chance of one-upmanship that she probably isn’t actually the mother of my child…

  ALEX. That was anti-Semitic?

  JESSE. No that was just cunty.

  ALEX. Fuck you, she’s your child.

  JESSE. Is she?

  She tries to steady herself but the mounting pain she’s been feeling is now searing. She can barely steady herself.

  I’m just scared Alex. I’m really really just scared.

  ALEX. I think we should call the doctor.

  JESSE. It’s nothing –

  ALEX. Oh you’re the doctor?

  JESSE. It’s a Branston Hicks.

  ALEX. Braxton.

  Toni Braxton?

  ALEX. Are you seriously mansplaining this to me right now?

  JESSE. Is that who they named it after?

  ALEX. Of course not you fucken idiot.

  JESSE. Don’t call me an idiot.

  ALEX. I didn’t call you an idiot.

  JESSE. I have ears.

  ALEX. I called you a fucken idiot.

  It’s not a Braxton Hicks.

  JESSE. Why are you being such a bitch?

  AL
EX. Call me a bitch again… I dare you.

  JESSE. I didn’t call you a bitch.

  I said you were being a bitch…

  ALEX. It’s the same thing.

  Will you please stop riding my arse…

  ALEX. Me? Mr my-wife-is-an-anti-Semite?

  JESSE. You. Alex. Are not… a bitch.

  But sadly. Today.

  Borderline anti-Semitism actually aside…

  You’re being – I’m sorry but you are – a complete bitch.

  She slaps him. Hard.

  JESSE. Fucking hell Alex.

  Call me a bitch again.

  JESSE. We need to go home. Can you get an Uber?

  ALEX. Stop telling me what to do.

  JESSE. My battery died…

  ALEX. Take me to hospital.

  JESSE. My battery died…

  ALEX. Take me to a hospital.

  JESSE. It’s a Bransto–

  ALEX. Braxton.

  JESSE. I DON’T CARE WHAT IT’S CALLED.

  You’re not going into labour. You’re three weeks off.

  Your water hasn’t even broken.

  You’d frankly be in a lot more pain than –

  ALEX. Don’t you dare tell me my body.

  JESSE. You get a pass on most of your bullshit right now.

  You’re being ridiculous. And dramatic.

  ALEX. What if there’s a problem?

  JESSE. Of course that’s where you escalate…

  You think I’m a mug?

  Labour… ?

  ALEX. Just call a cab…

  JESSE (over her). Like how perfect is your labour timed. I accuse you of some low-level unconscious racism and suddenly ‘owwww… Jesse my waters broke…’ Because you’re trying to control and manipulate because you’re always trying to control and manipulate so…

  ALEX. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU…

  JESSE. Whoa –

  What the Jesus Alex…?

  I’m just –

  ALEX. No… you know what you are?

  Actually –

  The surge of pain rips through her… the contractions are coming with increasing frequency now.

  JESSE. Why do I have to be something…

  Why can’t I –

  ALEX. You’re a snide nasty little brat.

  JESSE. And you’re a fucking bitch.

  ALEX (over him). I don’t like you.

  I don’t particularly fancy you.

  I certainly don’t trust you.

  This constant CATASTROPHISING…

  Oh my god just stop it…

  You know I’m scared of you?

  And you bore me. And you ruin everything.

  Have you ever thought all this might not be because you’re a Jew / but maybe cos you’re a dick…?

  JESSE. Don’t call me a Jew.

  A. Jew. Like I’m a thing…

  It’s fine I know what you are…

  JESSE. You are making it very difficult –

  ALEX (she doesn’t let him finish). Every bit of love I have for you, you’ve taken away with your nasty attitude and your constant tantrums.

  JESSE. Mine?

  ALEX. How can I spend my life with you, how can I raise this poor bump with you, if I essentially can’t stand being around you?

  JESSE. Oh do one Alex.

  ALEX. Yeah go on. Walk off.

  Geezer…

  Beat. He goes.

  ALEX. You’re a coward!

  And we’re done by the way.

  AND FUCK YOU.

  FUCK YOU JESSE.

  She’s been trying to hold in the pain but it’s too much.

  We are over.

  WE.

  ARE.

  SO.

  THROUGH.

  She collapses against the wall.

  Cries.

  Pulls herself together as pain rips through.

  Oh no…

  No no…

  Fuck.

  She pulls her phone out as another contraction tears through her.

  She swallows the scream but the pain makes her drop the phone.

  She tries to bend down but can’t as another contraction comes…

  Jesse!

  She unbuttons her bottoms… but it doesn’t help.

  Turns to face the wall, leans against it.

  Jesse!

  Screams as another contraction rips through…

  2009. The Royal Free Hospital, Hampstead

  JESSE is in bed.

  ALEX walks in.

  JESSE. Ohmygod –

  ALEX. Hi.

  JESSE. Hello.

  I just wanted to see that you’re –

  JESSE. No. Of course. Wow. Come in. Sit.

  ALEX. Sorry.

  JESSE. Why?

  JESSE. I don’t know why I said that.

  Slight beat.

  How you doing??

  JESSE. A lot better than last time.

  ALEX. Good. So / how long are you –

  JESSE. Thanks for the dog.

  ALEX. Oh god no, it’s fine… your mum came and –

  JESSE. She said. I hope he was okay.

  ALEX. He’s adorable.

  JESSE. He’s a little shit.

  ALEX. I like him.

  JESSE. She said he wee’d on your sofa.

  ALEX. It’s fine. You’re good.

  JESSE. I can pay for the –

  ALEX. I’m actually quite the dab hand with a bottle of Febreze, white wine vinegar and a scented candle.

  JESSE. Thank you for finding him.

  ALEX. Well… you’re lucky I had my eyes peeled.

  JESSE. And calling me an ambulance…

  ALEX (sing-song). Jesse’s an ambulance, Jesse’s an ambulance.

  Slight beat. He can’t help but grin.

  (Shrugs it off.) It’s a funny phrase… isn’t it? Keeping your eyes peeled…

  JESSE. What?

  ALEX. Think it hurts?

  JESSE. I haven’t really thought about it.

  ALEX. Nor me.

  How’s your face?

  JESSE. It hurts.

  She touches it. Tender.

  Proper stitches.

  ALEX. Apparently scars are sexy.

  JESSE. Apparently.

  ALEX. You know they caught the guy.

  JESSE. Mum said.

  ALEX. Font of all knowledge that one…

  You get your shit back?

  He shrugs.

  JESSE. So, I don’t wanna be rude but…

  ALEX. So don’t be rude.

  JESSE. I just wondered why you’re here…

  ALEX. That’s not rude.

  They’re scoping each other out… not really saying anything.

  I wanted to check you’re okay.

  JESSE. Okay…

  ALEX. Is that weird?

  JESSE. A little bit.

  ALEX. Oh should I – ? (Points to leave.)

  JESSE. Absolutely fucking not…

  ALEX. Okay.

  JESSE. Okay…

  Still scoping each other out… not really saying anything.

  Of course, you know what else is weird, don’t you?

  ALEX. Hit me…

  JESSE. I mean the last person who did that –

  ALEX. Fair. Yeah. Sorry…

  Go on… I do not know what else is weird.

  JESSE. Wind.

  ALEX. Wind is weird.

  How does that even happen?

  JESSE. I want to say magnets?

  ALEX. Check you, Einstein.

  JESSE. Something like that.

  ALEX. Big fuck-off magnets though.

  JESSE. Huge.

  ALEX. Vast. Interplanetary.

  JESSE. Nebulonic…

  ALEX. Is that a thing?

  JESSE. I think it’s probably electromagnetic waves.

  ALEX. Isn’t that just a fancy way of saying magic?

  JESSE. I like magic.

  ALEX. They been lookin
g after you?

  JESSE. It’s a good hospital this.

  ALEX. I haven’t been in a hospital for ages…

  He proper fucked up your face didn’t he?

  JESSE. Thanks…

  ALEX. You wanna talk about it…?

  JESSE. What’s there to talk about.

  Some gimp kicked off. Found out I was Jewish, kicked off some more…

  Scared my dog. Smashed a bottle in my face and stole my shit.

  You found me.

  Fast-forward… and… Hello…

  ALEX. Hello.

  A seagull stole my pizza once and then dropped it on a baby…

  It’s nowhere near as bad as all this, but I felt awful cos I was torn between feeling really bad for the baby who was screaming cos baked cheese is –

  Hot… and it was deep pan, so…

  heavy…

  …and wanting my lunch back…

  JESSE (smiles). You’re a dickhead…

  ALEX (grins). I get a bit awkward. Sometimes…

  The Jew shit is bad. I’m not trying to detract or anything…

  Beat. She grins. They’re close.

  JESSE. Seagulls terrify me, like… serious.

  ALEX. What do you think they’re planning?

  Beat.

  JESSE. I mainly think that they’re the foot soldiers for the general Dolphin Armageddon…

  ALEX. Is that even a thing?

  JESSE. More imminent and terrifying than the zombie apocalypse.

  ALEX. I’m not sure I’d be good in a zombie apocalypse…

  JESSE. No?

  ALEX. Alien invasion… find me – I’ve got your back… but zombies…

  JESSE. Don’t worry… I’ll protect you…

  She lets it hang.

  ALEX. I should probably be –

  JESSE. Oh okay…

  ALEX. Oh look at your little face…

  JESSE. Sorry was that needy…

  ALEX. Needy’s fine.

  I do have to go though. Work and –

  JESSE. Okay.

  It hangs.

  ALEX. I haven’t been in a hospital since, my mum died…

  JESSE. I’m sorry…

  You know that I don’t know your name…

  ALEX. Alex.

  I’m Alex.

  JESSE. I’m Jesse.

  ALEX. I know who you are…

  JESSE. Hi Alex.

  ALEX. Hi Jesse.

  2018. A bedroom in Walthamstow Village, London

  It’s about half an hour after the first scene.

  JESSE is topless.

  ALEX is drying herself.