Ban small inexpensive religions—the so-called Sunday morning specials—practiced by the more obscure televangelists and people who go to church in cinder-block buildings.
Enforce existing laws, especially those that keep our children safe by making schools and other public institutions “faith-free zones.” (Much remains to be done. Too many teachers still end the school day by saying such things as, “God, I need a drink.”)
Of course, this is simply a beginning. We need a national system of accountability requiring all spiritual dogmas to be registered with the government lest they fall into the wrong hands the way Christianity did with Jim Bakker and Tammy Faye. Some elements of this program are already in place under Internal Revenue Service nonprofit rules for church organizations. But these rules are threatened by President Bush’s “faith-based initiatives” plan. Furthermore, the IRS concerns itself only with the money that churchgoers give. What about the credence that people give to their religions? Shouldn’t this be audited too?
We also need a nationwide seven-day waiting period for prayer. This would give people time to cool off and reconsider reverence and supplication and maybe call their local social services provider instead.
All religious believers should be licensed to make sure that they are competent to hold opinions and viewpoints and don’t believe in just any old thing such as creationism or a flat tax. Perhaps existing state motor vehicle departments could be expanded to provide dogma exams and multicultural sensitivity tests so that intolerance issues such as those between Hindus and Muslims and Moses and Pharaoh will be avoided in the future. And Skepticism Ed classes ought to be required at the grade-school level.
All religions must be made childproof. Our teachers’ unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age twenty-one would be another positive step. Religious marriage ceremonies should also be postponed until the children by that marriage are old enough to handle the behavior of their parents in a responsible manner.
Convicted criminals and people with a history of mental illness need to be encouraged to play golf on Sundays.
Easily concealed religions such as mainstream Protestantism should be restricted.
And certain “assault hymns” could be prohibited or modified:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord,
He is marching through the vineyards where cabernet sauvignon is stored.
Some will say that America is such a “God-fearing” country that individual religious beliefs can never be contained or eliminated. Yet millions and millions of Americans, in their everyday behavior (not to mention their television viewing habits), show us that this is no longer the case. Nonetheless, we must face the fact that there will be tremendous opposition to even the most commonsensical Belief Control laws. The religious lobby is well funded and well organized (although the National Council of Churches is on our side). We must make our case clearly to the public that we are not opposed to the use of religion for recreational purposes as long as no one is harmed or made to feel guilty or excluded. And we must work hard to counter the false and self-serving argument made by our opponents that all religious beliefs are “protected” by the First Amendment. Take another look, you God-mongering bigots: The First Amendment says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”
“I’ve got to show this to my mom,” said the teenage baby-sitter. “It’ll blow her mind. In 1999, when we lived in Seattle and she was still chained to the Space Needle at Christmas from protesting the WTO in November, she double-chained herself because she could hear Christmas carols while she was on government property and that violated the constitutional separation between church and state. She is such a wack.”
“Your mother is a very nice person,” said my wife. “And it was sweet of her to bake soybean chip cookies for Muffin.”
“No!” screamed Muffin.
“Mind your manners,” said my wife.
“Please, please, please, no!” screamed Muffin.
Nick, will you send your sister Ophelia an e-mail letter from me? said the Political Nut who lives around here. I’m rewriting the Ten Commandments for her, as soon as I mix another Bloody Mary.
The Ten Commandments, Version 10.1
And God, after careful polling, and having consulted with focus groups, spake all these words, saying,
I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt (if you have a Green Card), out of the house of bondage (when the federal appeals court doesn’t rule against me in re Elián González), and into the longest period of economic expansion in modern history (until NASDAQ flopped).
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me—but don’t say anything about it because it’s important to be multiculturally sensitive.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth—until you’ve worked out a licensing agreement for the trademark and the logo. And don’t forget who gave the go-ahead. One hand washes the other: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me—unless they seek counseling, of course.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain—except when it’s really a career-breaker. And even then you’re usually better off confessing the truth up front and giving yourself maximum spin time. It’s always the cover-up that gets you.
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Holey-in-oney, is what I say. Ha-ha. Six days shalt thou labor—no, make that five. Casual dress on Fridays and all week during August. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it—and, wouldn’t you know, got stuck for five hours in traffic coming back from the Hamptons anyway.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother—or the whole bank balance is going to the brains-in-her-bra cocktail waitress Dad just married and the busboy on Mom’s Bermuda cruise.
6. Thou shalt not kill. But if you have humanitarian intentions and Tony Blair is in favor of it too, something like the air war in Kosovo is okay as long as there are no NATO casualties. P.S. Don’t kill whales.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. On the other hand, you’d be a fool not to buy Pfizer stock.
8. Thou shalt not steal—not when you can form a corporation for zilch, rake in the venture capital, swing a big IPO, and effin’ print money.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor—or bear true witness either, for that matter. Look what happened to Mark Furman and Ken Starr. Key thy neighbor’s Lexus instead.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass—and certainly not all five without getting an agent and a book contract, a slot on Ricki Lake, and a major made-for-TV movie deal, at the very least.
And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people had finished selling their home videos of this to Fox News, they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we never get him to shut up.
And Moses spake unto the people, saying, I’ve got the ACLU on this. Don’t worry about a thing.
My young assistant, Max, came in just then. “Great news, I’ve got a real job,” he said to my wife. “No offense,” he said to me.
“Good for you,” said my wife. “What will you be doing?”
“I’m the new editor of Elephant in the Living Room, the monthly magazine of the Fairfax County Republican Party.”
Excellent! said the Political Nut. You can run my article “Evil, Stinking Democrats.” I begin by proposing that we Republicans take a step back from our partisanship and give a moment’s thought to the dec
ent, well-meaning, intelligent people who oppose us—and how there aren’t any.
Then I show how Democrats suck. Consider what they believe—such as anything Yasir Arafat says. And when a mother sacrificed her life in a desperate attempt to free herself and her child from a totalitarian dictatorship, Democrats believed this was a great opportunity to show Fidel Castro’s family values. Fidel probably does have family values, of the Democrat type, about abortion for instance. And there is ample indication that Fidel is a big supporter of Right to Die legislation.
Democrats believe in killing babies and old people, and, to judge by their various plans to modify American medical care, they believe in killing everybody else too. Except for murderers. Murderers will get a time-out and a chance to speak at the graduation ceremony of a prominent liberal arts college.
Assuming that a few of us (who haven’t been lucky enough to murder somebody) make it to old age, Democrats believe we should spend those declining years (until Dr. Kevorkian has an appointment opening) in poverty. Democrats believe in the bankrupt Social Security system on the simple and forthright grounds that privatizing the nation’s pension fund would give people money.
Being rich is no fair. Democrats believe in fairness. If you’re right-handed, that’s no fair either. You should chop some fingers off your right hand and sew them on your left. That way your arms will have equality. And Democrats believe in equality—except equality for minorities. Democrats believe minorities are stupid and helpless (no fair counting Jews or Orientals). Democrats believe affirmative action programs are necessary for all minorities except minorities that use yarmulkes or chopsticks; those minorities need quotas to keep too many of them from getting into Berkeley. Otherwise, say Democrats, we’ll never have true equality in an America where everyone has the same opportunity—to be a Democrat.
But although Democrats don’t believe that blacks and Hispanics are as good as a Kennedy, Democrats do believe that the rain forest is almost equal to Ted (and not just in how damp, vast, and icky it is). Democrats believe trees and rocks and animals on the endangered species list have souls. However, Democrats are not sure the developer who built your ranch house does. Anyway, that developer’s kids have no business praying in school. And neither do yours. Democrats believe kids shouldn’t pray in school, especially not during moments of silence, because silence can lead to thinking and if people get to thinking they might become Republicans.
Actually, Democrats believe kids shouldn’t even be in school, at least not in anything that could properly be called a school—where children learn to count and read and don’t get shot at recess. Without playground gunshot injuries, there might not be sufficient public outcry in support of nationalized medicine. Thus Democrats do not believe in school vouchers.
And yet Democrats do believe in gun control, even though playground gunshot injuries are a proven vote-getter. This is because Democrats believe that gun owners want to keep their guns mostly in case they need to shoot Democrats. It happened in 1861 and it could happen again. Plus National Rifle Association PAC money is used for nothing except screwing Democrats. Democrats believe this is something that should only happen literally. Maybe sex education can overcome people’s natural repugnance in this matter. Democrats believe in sex education.
But what Democrats believe in most is politics. If you scrutinize Democrat beliefs one by one you’ll get a mere random catalog of insanity. But if you examine Democrat beliefs as a whole, you’ll discover an underlying, unified, systematic worldview that cannot be treated with psychopharmaceuticals, therapeutic chats, or a “long rest” at MacClean’s. The world still awaits a cure for politics.
Every doctrine and tenet of the Democrats entails an increase in political power and a decrease in the power of conscience, religion, tradition, civil society, the free market, mothers, and (if there are any left around—and in many Democrat strongholds, like Beverly Hills, there aren’t) fathers.
Why? Why would anyone want a society organized around appearing on Hardball in preference to a society organized around raising kids, working hard, making money, going to the VFW hall on Saturday night, going to church on Sunday morning, and obeying the scout’s oath? It’s important to remember that Democrats aren’t just crazy, they’re evil. Democrats suspect—with considerable evidence to support them—that they aren’t very good at those things I just mentioned. Democrats need a field of endeavor where they can yak and blabber their way to the top without displaying any virtues. (And apparently, in light of Bill Clinton’s remarkable sexual incompetence with Ms. Lewinsky, Democrats don’t even need to master vices.)
But America has a representative form of government. Is it so wrong to seek political power in free and fair elections? Yes, if you’re a Democrat. I say this with confidence because of an article that appeared in the house organ of the Democratic Party, The Washington Post, on June 5, 2000. The text of the piece concerned, allegedly, an obscure type of chimpanzee called the bonobo. But the subtext was not hard to decode. It tells us everything about the America we get when we elect Democrats, and in particular, that she-ape from New York State.
The animals live in extremely peaceful, egalitarian, close-knit communities “that are held together not by male domination but by female bonds,” according to Congolese scientist Inogwabini Bila Isia.
They work out most conflicts through elaborate social interaction rather than fighting, and they distribute food evenly throughout the group. They are very sexual, engaging in constant genital rubbing and other sexual behaviors with the same and the opposite sex. The primary role of sex is usually social rather than reproductive….
“They show us what we could be. They make us ask, Why do we have to have a violent male-dominated society?” said Gay Reinartz, a bonobo researcher and conservation coordinator at the Zoological Society of Milwaukee.
The noble bonobos have just one problem. And you guessed it correctly. They’re about to become extinct.
“Shh…,” said my wife. “I just got Muffin to sleep.”
That was quick, I said.
“I read her one of your books.”
Where’s Nick?
“He’s out on the screen porch with the baby-sitter.”
“What Ricardo’s Principle of Comparative Advantage means,” I could hear the baby-sitter saying, “is that: Let’s say I’m better at kissing and you’re better at hugging. But I’m better at both than you are. Should I do all the kissing and hugging?”
Nick said something I didn’t catch.
“Let’s say,” continued the baby-sitter, “that I’m three times as good at kissing and twice as good at hugging. And I can produce six kisses per minute or I can produce two hugs. That means you can produce two kisses or one hug. And let’s say each hug or each kiss equals one unit of net production. So, if I spend half my time kissing and half my time hugging and you don’t do any of either, I’ll produce three kisses and one hug, which equals four units. But if I spend all my time kissing and you spend all your time hugging, I’ll produce six kisses and you’ll…”
My wife handed Poppet to me and marched toward the screen door. “Ahem, you two, it’s gotten awfully quiet out there.”
“You know,” said my wife to the Political Nut, “I sent an e-mail message of my own to Nick’s sister. I tried to talk to her sensibly about religion, about how it’s the nature of faith to encompass the miraculous and so forth. I guess I shouldn’t have mentioned the Shroud of Turin.”
What did Ophelia say? asked the Political Nut, bouncing Poppet on his knee.
My wife sighed. “She instant-messaged, ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son—and a fitted sheet.’”
Well, they’re horrible at that age, said the Political Nut. And why not? I’m horrible at my age. I’ve been thinking about this. And I’ve decided to apologize.
“To whom?” asked my wife.
I don’t quite know yet. At first I was going to apologize for things I’d done personally
.
“That works,” said my wife, “when accompanied by gifts of jewelry.”
But, continued the Political Nut, it dawned on me I could also apologize for things that cannot be blamed on a specific individual—such as me—but that a specific individual—such as me—can get credit for regretting. So I apologize for racism, sexism, religious bigotry, and discrimination based on age, physical ability, and whether people are wearing any little lacy items under their three-piece suits. I apologize for poverty, crime, social injustice, damage to the Amazon rain forest, and inhumane treatment of farm animals. I apologize for certain harsher aspects of Hammurabi’s code.
Then I was reading in the newspaper that the government of Poland had apologized for a massacre that had taken place almost sixty years before in a village that’s now part of Russia. And I realized there’s all sorts of terrible stuff done long ago and far away by people who are dead, and I can apologize for that. I’ll become a better person. We all know apologizing makes you a better person. But I’ll be safe from anybody asking me to do anything about what I’m apologizing for. So I apologize. And, while the men who actually sold slaves and killed Indians burn in hell, I get to enjoy jazz and soul food and buy a summer place on the Vineyard without being attacked by Narragansettes.
“Except,” said my wife, “we can’t afford a summer place on the Vineyard.”
I apologize, said the Political Nut.
I’m excited about becoming a better person by apologizing, said the Political Nut, a few days later. And now that I’m a better person, I’m going to do something nice for Democrats, something to make up for all the hurtful things I’ve said about them over the years, especially the true things—those must have really hurt. I’ve written an “Open Letter to Democrats.” I already gave a copy to the teenage baby-sitter to take home to her grandparents.
The CEO of the Sofa (O'Rourke, P. J.) Page 29