FINALLY
FREE
FIGHTING FOR PURITY
WITH THE POWER OF GRACE
HEATH LAMBERT
To my beloved and precious sons,
Carson and Connor.
A wicked world seeks to enslave your souls to pornography; the grace of Jesus Christ alone sets you free.
Look to him!
Contents
Title Page
Foreword by Josh Harris
INTRODUCTION The Purpose of This Book
CHAPTER 1 Grace as the Foundation in the Fight Against Pornography
CHAPTER 2 Using Sorrow to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 3 Using Accountability to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 4 Using Radical Measures to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 5 Using Confession to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 6 Using Your Spouse (or Your Singleness) to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 7 Using Humility to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 8 Using Gratitude to Fight Pornography
CHAPTER 9 Using a Dynamic Relationship with Jesus to Fight Pornography
CONCLUSION A Call to Holiness and Hope
APPENDIX Help for Families and Friends of Men Struggling with Pornography
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Praise
Copyright
About the Publisher
Foreword
Picture your life as a room.
Beautiful hardwood floors are swept clean. Sunlight streams through windows. Photos of family and friends hang on the walls. The furniture is arranged just how you want it—for maximum usefulness and comfort. The room is peaceful. It’s just right.
But in a corner hidden by shadows, in a tiny crack between two floorboards, a small, ugly weed has sprouted.
The weed represents pornography.
It’s so small. It’s easy to hide. You can cover it with a rug or chair. You can ignore it and downplay its significance. There are so many other good and beautiful things to enjoy in the room of your life.
But the weed grows … and grows.
Its thorny, twisted vines steadily spread across the floor and climb the walls. They wrap themselves around tables and chairs. They even grow over the windows—blocking out the sunlight. Now no part of your room is untouched. Everywhere you turn, the weed has invaded and is choking out life. You feel like a prisoner.
I don’t know how big a problem pornography is for you. Maybe this weed has overtaken your life. Or maybe it’s just beginning to grow. If you’re like many people, you’ve tried to uproot it with little success.
The problem is that too many of us use ineffective tools. Picture that tough, thorn-covered weed. And then imagine yourself trying to dislodge it with a plastic fork. A toothpick. A flimsy straw. These are the kinds of useless tools we’re working with when we try to change deeply rooted habits with mere willpower, personal resolutions, and self-centered, worldly sorrow.
We need better tools.
And that’s what Finally Free is all about. Using simple, no-nonsense language, Heath Lambert walks into the pornography-defiled room of your life with a huge box of tools. He gives you gloves. He gives you shears. He gives you a shovel. He hands you an ax. He pulls out a blowtorch!
The reason these tools Heath shares are so effective is that they’re thoroughly biblical and sharpened by grace. Heath doesn’t just call you to action; he calls you to grace-motivated, Spirit-empowered action. I’ve read many books on sexual purity (I’ve even written one myself), but this one is at the top of my list of favorites. I found myself praying as I read it that God would use it in the lives of millions of men and women who are right now enslaved to pornography.
The best thing about this book is that as you read it, your preoccupation won’t primarily be the ugliness of the weed you need to kill—or even the effectiveness of the tools it will teach you to use. Page by page, you’ll become more and more aware that Someone is with you in this fight.
Finally Free will help you grow in your awareness of the presence and power of Jesus Christ, the Redeemer—the One who promised to never leave you, the One whose death and resurrection for you has broken the power of canceled sin. It’s your union with Jesus—his life in you—that is your hope.
So take up these tools with faith. Jesus is with you.
That weed is going to die.
Joshua Harris, lead pastor of Covenant Life Church, Gaithersburg, Maryland, and author of Humble Orthodoxy: Holding the Truth High without Putting People Down
INTRODUCTION:
The Purpose of This Book
This book is not about pornography. You can find countless books about pornography. They include detailed information about the pornography industry—how many movies are made, what kinds of movies are made, how many people are involved, how much money is spent, and how many Internet sites are devoted to it. In this book, you will not find any information about the pornography industry.
Other books about pornography include long discussions about the damage pornography does—the layers of damage done to actors, the moral erosion within societies that embrace it, the physical and spiritual harm done to viewers, the carnage inflicted on marriages, the pain that afflicts the children and parents of consumers, and the incredible difficulty of defeating its temptations. This book is not about the catastrophic effects of pornography.
Other books about pornography spend a lot of time telling people how to think about pornography—how it is bad, how it stands in opposition to the kingdom of Jesus, how it goes against committed marital love, how it impedes ministry productivity, and how it harms one’s Christian witness. It is not the purpose of this book to rewire your brain when it comes to pornography.
The goals of these other books are noble. There is a time and place to talk about all of these issues. But this book has a different purpose. For the past decade, I have spent thousands of hours talking with hundreds of people who struggle with pornography. I have never met anyone who experienced profound change because someone told them how many billions of dollars are spent on pornography every year. I have never met anyone whose life was radically changed by hearing (again) how damaging the pornography industry is and how they desperately need to think differently about it. Rather, every person I have ever talked to who sincerely wanted help already knew most of this information. People who are trapped in the deceitful web of pornography do not need more information about pornography.
This book is about something much better than pornography. This book is about the amazing power of Jesus Christ to free you from pornography.
In this book, I want to share with you the amazing depth and effect of Christ’s power to eradicate pornography from your life. Whether you struggle with pornography yourself or are trying to help someone who struggles, I have good news for you: no matter how intense or long-standing the struggle, it is the work of Jesus Christ to set people free from such sin. Listen to the words of the apostle Paul:
Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:9–11, emphasis added
Do you see the power available to those who trust in Christ? Paul moves from condemnation to confidence. First, sin is powerfully condemned. The words are clear: if you are sexually immoral you will not inherit the kingdom of God. All those who look at pornography have only a fearful expectation of condemnation. Thankfully, Paul does not e
nd there. He moves toward confidence in our Redeemer, Jesus. Jesus cleanses sinners. Jesus loves to cleanse those who love to look at pornography, and he loves to give them power to change. Our sinfulness does not get the final word. Instead, Jesus justifies, washes, and sanctifies us. Our only hope is in a risen Savior who has the power to bring us out of the pit of pornography. This book is a guide to the exciting process Jesus uses to do this work.
Jesus’ power is extremely practical, and so this book is practical as well. Jesus will set you free from your struggle, but he also calls you to participate in his work. Again Paul writes, “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Philippians 2:12–13).
God works in us so that we desire him and work for his good purpose. As Christians, we are able to do the work of obedience, but all of our growth is empowered by God’s grace. Jesus gives us power to obey so that we can obey to the glory of God. Believers are called to lean on his strength, lay hold of practical means of grace, and take practical steps toward change.
For many years, I have counseled people who feel locked in a losing struggle against pornography. They need grace-filled, practically relevant strategies as they seek to flee sexual immorality. This book provides eight clear strategies to help you work out your salvation and experience freedom from your desire for pornography. These strategies are tools designed to help you turn from sin to righteousness based on the work of Christ. I have seen them work time and again. I pray you will see them work in your life and in the lives of those God has given you to help.
I hope you find this book practical and saturated with grace, but I also hope you find it to be pure. I have talked with more pastors, parents, and parishioners than I can count who are disappointed in the books available on pornography. They are disappointed because many of the resources they turn to for help are full of shocking—sometimes even vulgar—language. The resource they turned to for help often provided further temptations for the struggle they were trying to flee. I understand that. So does Paul: “Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:3–4).
It is sad that many employ impure, filthy, and crude language in resources designed to help people fight sexual immorality. We cannot attain purity and morality by using language that is impure and immoral. Yes, it is important to speak frankly about sin—to “be real” about the sins we commit and the temptations we face. However, it is possible to be frank without being filthy. With this in mind, I want to promise you I will use no language that is vulgar, crude, impure, or otherwise filthy in this book. As a father of three young children, I want to write a book that, should they ever need to read it, would not embarrass me and would not tempt them to impurity. I hope you will have similar confidence in reading this book and in commending it to others.
This book begins with the foundation of grace. Every chapter after the first one explains another essential step in being free from pornography. Please don’t think the book starts with grace in chapter 1 and then moves on to other things in the subsequent chapters. Grace is the force that motivates and empowers every strategy in the book. The diagram above illustrates how every strategy is founded and dependent on grace.
Every strategy you employ in your fight for purity must be grounded in the grace of God in Christ if it is to lead to lasting freedom. In this vein, I have a recommendation about how to read this book.
Chapter 1 deals with the foundation of the gospel, because no strategy to combat sin can bring profound and lasting change if it is disconnected from the power of Jesus. Strategies are important, but they must flow from the gospel. If you are trying to help a person who is struggling with pornography, it will be wise to read this book all the way through before helping that person. Doing so will give you a sense that practical strategies must flow out of principled commitment to the gospel.
If you are personally struggling with pornography, it is fine to read this book from beginning to end. It may be a good idea, however, to begin with chapter 4’s teaching about radical measures before returning to the beginning to read from there. Some of you will be so submerged in a pornographic lifestyle that the gospel teaching at the beginning will best take root after you have taken some steps to remove porn from your life. Taking steps like the ones suggested in chapter 4 will never be the long-term fix for your struggle, but doing so can create some space for you to be able to consider the gospel.
This book is for everyone who needs help in the struggle against pornography. Even though I have never met most of you, I know you. I have sat with you in your living room, warned you of the dangers of the sin you are committing, cried with you in your brokenness over that sin, and walked with you in your journey toward change. I know you desire to be finally free from the bondage of pornography. My prayer is that this book will help you fight for purity with the power of grace.
CHAPTER 1
Grace as the Foundation in the Fight against Pornography
Matt is a nineteen-year-old college student who discovered pornography at the age of eight when his uncle showed him a video and told him not to tell anybody. Taylor is thirty and never even thought about pornography until succumbing to the temptation of an advertisement in a hotel room on a trip out of town. Ethan has been married for ten years and saw a report on the news about the pornography industry one evening. His curiosity was piqued, and he searched the Internet “just to see what all the fuss was about.” Sarah is a single thirty-five-year-old who began looking at pornography as a way to fantasize and get her mind off her loneliness.
I know dozens of people (men and women) who struggle with pornography. Each was introduced to pornography in a different way. Some people sought it out, while others were introduced to it by sinful people. Regardless, pornography has now chewed them up and spit them out. At the beginning of the journey, watching people commit acts of sexual immorality seemed fun, intriguing, comforting, and exhilarating. Now, the sin has bitten back hard. Their hearts are weighed down with guilt, their relationships are strained, their view of sex is corrupted, and their Christian witness is marred.
I know these people. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have sat with them, cried with them, and talked with them for hours. I have seen firsthand the carnage that pornography has inflicted on their lives. Perhaps you or someone God has given to you to help can identify with their stories.
Perhaps you, like them, began to look at pornography with rationalizations that made a certain amount of twisted sense at the time. How bad can it be? It’s just this once, then never again. My spouse doesn’t seem that interested in me. It might actually help our marriage for me to have another sexual outlet. I’m sick of feeling lonely. I deserve this. Now, the sandy foundation holding up those lies has eroded, and you are in turmoil. You desperately want help to get out of the mess, but you don’t know how—or even where to begin. In fact, you are deeply afraid you’re so trapped that there may be no means of escape.
If this describes you, then I have breathtakingly good news to offer: Jesus Christ died to set you free from every sin that can be committed. That includes pornography.
But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in
his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished.
Romans 3:21–25
It is possible to be free from pornography. Because of his grace, God sent his Son to pay the just penalty for the sins we all commit. When you believe in God’s grace toward you, you get God’s righteousness. You can be forgiven and free when you trust in Christ and what he has done for you, no matter how many times you have looked at pornography and how hopeless the struggle can feel. When this seems like it isn’t true, it’s because you are thinking more about yourself and your porn than you are about Jesus and his grace. You can be free, but freedom requires grace.
It is a wonderful blessing to live in a time and place in which large numbers of Christian leaders and laypeople are focusing on the gospel of Jesus in new, fresh, and powerful ways. Multiple books, sermons, and blogs describe the rich resources of grace that overflow from the good news about Jesus. While this current emphasis is admirable, there is a danger that grace can become a topic we discuss rather than a power we experience. We can never be saturated with too much grace. The danger in our day is taking grace for granted and not considering how to make it practical.
I want to heed my own warning. I don’t want to just talk about grace in this book; I want to show you how you can make use of the grace of Jesus in your fight against pornography. In Romans 1:5, Paul writes, “Through [Jesus Christ] we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for his name’s sake.” Here Paul is teaching that God has given his people grace so that they are able to obey and bring honor to the name of Christ among the nations. Grace is not merely “unmerited favor”—that God has a pleasing disposition toward us; grace is also power. Grace is divine strength given to us so we can live in ways that please God. God is calling Christians to obedience in Romans 1:5. He is also promising that we will have the power to accomplish this obedience. God’s gift of grace is the power to obey.
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