Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.
2 Corinthians 7:8–11
Paul makes a distinction between two kinds of sorrow in this passage. These two sorrows possess different traits and produce opposite results, but we easily confuse them because they share the most obvious element—the sorrow itself. We rarely question deep remorse, stinging regret, or impassioned pleas for forgiveness. Paul knows better than this. By using a comparison, he shows the Corinthians that all sorrow is not created equal.
One kind of sorrow Paul talks about is worldly sorrow. Worldly sorrow is legitimate sorrow. There is actual sadness, brokenness, and tears when a person experiences this kind of sorrow. The issue is not whether a person is sad; instead, it is what they are sad about. The focus of worldly sorrow is the world. People experiencing worldly sorrow are distressed because they are losing (or fear losing) things the world has to offer. The loss could be a reputation, job, money, family, sexual fulfillment, or even access to pornography—anything that brings security, comfort, or pleasure. Some of these things are good, and some of these things are sinful, but they are all things. A sad person consumed with worldly sorrow is concerned about losing stuff—no matter how honorable or dishonorable that stuff is.
This kind of worldly sorrow leads to death. It is lethal because it flows from the same kind of heart that wanted to look at pornography in the first place. This connection is critical for you to understand. A sinful heart that desires to look at pornography says, I will have whatever I want whenever I want it. I don’t care if it’s harmful, if it hurts God or those I love. I will have whatever I want. This kind of heart sins in pursuit of its own pleasures. Worldly sorrow is obsessed with keeping these objects of selfish desire. All the tears and all the pain are actually about the loss of your stuff. You’re crying about the things you’re about to lose and would like to keep. You looked at pornography because you were living life for yourself. Now you’re sad because you’re about to lose stuff that you would like to keep. The self-centered orientation of your heart is the same, whether you’re lustfully viewing pornography or tearfully expressing worldly sorrow. It is terrifying to think that even our sorrow over sin can be selfish and sinful.
There is another kind of sorrow. Paul calls it godly sorrow. It may look just as sad as the worldly variety, but something very different is happening in the heart. Worldly sorrow is sad over losing the things of the world, while the focus of godly sorrow is God himself. Godly sorrow is pained over the break in relationship with God. It is heartbroken that God has been grieved and offended. The tears of godly sorrow flow from the sadness that God’s loving and holy law has been broken. Of course, there is room in godly sorrow for the loss of family, hurt relationships, or other consequences. You do not have to love the practical consequences of sin. Yet, the pain of these penalties is not what produces godly sorrow; godly sorrow is motivated by and oriented toward God.
Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation without regret. Godly sorrow produces life. It marks a change from the sinful self-centeredness of viewing porn and the equal self-centeredness of worldly sorrow to a pure concern for God and living for his glory. The person full of godly sorrow has a heart that wants to please God rather than self. Godly sorrow motivates real and lasting change.
Though Ryan and Dave both look sorrowful on the outside, very different things are happening on the inside, in their hearts. It is a distinction that has everything to do with you and your own struggle to be free from the grip of pornography. By the time you’re reading a book like this, there is a very good chance you have produced tears by the quart in your struggle. The pressing question for you is not whether Ryan and Dave have worldly or godly sorrow. The most important question is, which sorrow do you have? How can you know if your tears stem from concern over the world or concern over God?
The Marks of Godly Sorrow
This is where 2 Corinthians 7:8–11 becomes even more practical. Paul not only highlights a difference between lifeless sorrow and life-giving sorrow but also describes in detail how you can tell the difference. He mentions six different markers for godly sorrow.
1. Godly Sorrow Is Earnest.
Worldly sorrow experiences sin, winces at the pain, and feels conviction—for a while. Worldly sorrow responds to that conviction by praying—for a while. Worldly sorrow is really determined to fight against sin—for a while. The problem is that this newfound conviction, this rededication to prayer, and this emotional determination are all short-lived. The pain of what you have lost (or the fear of what you might lose) fades away. You figure out that you can live without what you lost or else replace it with something else. Once this realization hits, your sorrow disappears like breath on a cold winter morning.
Godly sorrow is not short-lived. Instead, it is earnest. Godly sorrow gets busy and fervently seeks to fight against sin in a battle that lasts and lasts. Biblical remorse over sin extends far beyond a momentary wince of pain and a fleeting twinge of conviction. Godly sorrow is busy battling pornography weeks, months, and years after worldly sorrow has given up the struggle. If the sorrow you experience after your struggle with pornography does not lead to real and lasting transformation, then you’ve experienced worldly sorrow and you stand in desperate need of change.
2. Godly Sorrow Leads to an Eagerness to Clear Yourself.
When your sorrow flows from a heart oriented toward God rather than yourself, you will be eager to clear yourself from the sin of pornography. Worldly sorrow leaves and is quickly replaced by a renewed interest in porn. You find yourself on the pathway to indulgence again. Godly sorrow longs to be clear of pornography and eagerly pursues ways to eradicate it.
Eagerness to be clear of pornography expresses itself in two practical ways. First, you pursue accountability. You need help in a struggle that is impossible to fight alone. Accountability entails enlisting other Christians who can help you think about strategies you have not considered, who can actively check up on you, and who will diligently pray for you. Second, eagerly seeking to clear yourself means you pursue radical measures to ensure you have no access to pornography. This enslaving sin is only defeated by drastic measures to cut it off from all angles.
Accountability and drastic measures will be discussed in greater detail in later chapters. For now, know that if your sorrow does not lead to opening yourself up to others and sealing off your access to pornography, then your sorrow is the kind of worldly sorrow that leads to death.
3. Godly Sorrow Leads to Indignation.
Godly sorrow produces indignation. It produces hatred. Worldly sorrow produces hatred, but it is directed at other things. Worldly sorrow hates the consequences of sin. The tears of worldly sorrow spring from shame over a lost job or ministry, disgust over a spouse who thinks you’re creepy, embarrassment over being disciplined by your school or parents, or some other painful result of sin. The hatred of worldly sorrow is the hatred of being caught.
Godly sorrow hates the sin itself. Godly sorrow feels the horror of disobedience and weeps over the reality of a heart that chose transgression over faithfulness. The painful grief of life-giving sorrow is produced by the stinging awareness that all sin breaks God’s heart, even if no one else ever discovers it. Worldly sorrow is sad because people know about your sin. Godly sorrow is sad because God knows about your sin. Worldly sorrow is sad because of a disrupted relationship with a
spouse, kids, or others. Godly sorrow is sad because of a disrupted relationship with God. Sorrow is lethal when self-focused. We must repent and say with David, “Against you, you only, have I sinned” (Psalm 51:4).
4. Godly Sorrow Leads to Alarm.
Godly sorrow produces alarm, a healthy form of fear. Worldly sorrow also produces alarm, but it is misdirected. The fear of worldly sorrow is the fear that people will find out. In worldly sorrow you didn’t get earnest and you haven’t been eager to clear yourself from the sin. You may have made a show of change, but the substance never came. It didn’t take too long for you to go right back to looking at all the same stuff you looked at before. Now you’re living in fear that people will find out—or find out again—that you aren’t for real. All your effort is spent on not being caught. You’re trying to hide in the dark instead of exposing the darkness to light. This will never lead to lasting change.
Godly sorrow doesn’t fear that people will find out about your sin. Rather, you fear that God—the only person who ultimately matters—always knew. I am a very sinful man in great need of the blood of Jesus to forgive me for all the ways I have failed God. When I consider the ways I have continued to sin as a Christian, I see the arrogance in my heart and am aware of the damage I do to myself in that sin. I feel the pain I bring to others because of my sin, and my heart breaks over the disappointment my sin brings to God. Though I am sinful, God is full of perfection and purity. He can’t stand to look on the selfishness and impurity of sin. I’m astounded that God lets me live during those seasons of sinfulness. Though I defy him, he gives me breath, food, shelter, and countless other gifts. Godly sorrow recognizes this holy intolerance of sin. It is fear mingled with an awareness of mercy—that God didn’t give us the just punishment we deserved.
5. Godly Sorrow Leads to Longing and Concern for Restoration.
Godly sorrow is full of longing and concern for restored relationships. Paul praises the Corinthians for their concern to be restored to him after sin had distanced them from each other (2 Corinthians 7:7). Sin separates us from others, bringing division into relationships, creating distance instead of intimacy.
Godly sorrow demonstrates itself by a deep concern to restore the relationships that were broken. Godly sorrow is pained by the wedge of separation that pornography brings between you and God. It longs for restoration. Godly sorrow is broken over the distance your sin has created in relationships with others and longs to close the gap.
Worldly sorrow wants to let bygones be bygones. It preaches about leaving the past in the past and letting sleeping dogs lie. When your tears result in your running away from people instead of toward them, your tears are worldly tears. Worldly grief ignores God instead of leaning more fully on his forgiveness and grows comfortable with broken relationships. Life-giving sorrow infuses you with zeal to restore every single relationship that has been broken. Your sorrow leads you either deeper inside yourself or toward God and others.
6. Godly Sorrow Leads to a Desire for Justice.
I once counseled a man named Tyler who began looking at pornography with a mistaken belief that he was in control. He learned the hard way that sin never lets you have control. Sin is a harsh master, not a submissive servant. Over the years, Tyler spent more time looking at more perverse forms of pornography than he ever thought possible. A few weeks before our first meeting, he was arrested for being in possession of child pornography. Tyler needed help changing, but there was a pressing legal question to address.
The arresting officers had made mistakes during the arrest and established a very weak case. Tyler’s attorney assured him that if he would go to trial and plead not guilty, he could be easily exonerated. Tyler wondered aloud what I thought he should do. My only question for him was whether or not he was actually in possession of the pornography. He admitted his guilt to me. I told him he could plead not guilty if he wanted to die, but that if he wanted to live, he should plead guilty and accept the consequences. He seemed shocked, until I read him 2 Corinthians 7:8–11. Tyler understood my point and pleaded guilty to his crime.
Doing what is right and just doesn’t always make life more comfortable for you. An immediate and critical test for whether your sorrow is godly or worldly is whether you’re willing to accept the consequences of your sin. If so, there is a very good chance that your sorrow is the godly kind that saves. If you’re trying to wriggle out of consequences, there is a high probability that your sorrow is the worldly kind that is all about you.
Finally, Paul writes, “At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.” This statement could sound like Paul is saying that the Corinthians have proven themselves innocent of sin. Innocence cannot be his focus, however, because Paul is describing their repentance from sin. In showing these marks of godly sorrow, the Corinthians demonstrated themselves to be innocent not of sin but of worldly sorrow. The Corinthians’ earnestness, eagerness, indignation, alarm, longing, concern, and desire for justice showed they were not guilty of the kind of sorrow that leads to death. Instead they proved their sorrow had led to repentance and life.
The Difference between Dave and Ryan
Two men were enslaved to pornography. Each wept over his sin, begged his wife for another chance, pleaded for forgiveness, and vowed to change. But today only one is walking with Christ, devoted to his wife and children, and truly transformed.
Dave was the man who truly changed after the initial meeting in my office and is now fully restored to his family. I’m sorry to say that Ryan ultimately returned to his pornography, eventually began meeting women online, and became a danger to his family. He is now divorced from his wife and not allowed near his children, and he has even spent time in jail because his habit has descended into illegal activity. Dave’s tears led to earnestness because they were godly tears. Ryan’s tears couldn’t sustain real change because he never moved from desiring the things of the world to desiring the things of God.
The big difference between Ryan and Dave—and between worldly and godly sorrow—is God. Worldly sorrow happens when you feel the sting of sin but still cherish a selfish love of sin in your heart. Godly sorrow happens when you are gripped by your sinful separation from God and desire to be restored to him at any cost.
As you fight for purity with the power of grace, you must labor to imitate Dave’s godly sorrow. A person full of godly sorrow is a person oriented toward God and has a heart and emotions that are inclined toward him. Worldly sorrow is oriented toward yourself and your love for the securities, comforts, and pleasures of the world.
If you recognize that you have only worldly sorrow, you need radical change. Your heart and your emotions must be oriented away from yourself and toward God and his kingdom. You will never be free from pornography if all your efforts to stop are recycled expressions of your own selfishness. As long as your sorrow is like your sin and focused on the things you want, you will return to porn again and again. Until God is your chief concern—until sinning against him is what makes your heart break—you will never turn the corner.
Whether you are plagued with an absence of sorrow or the presence of worldly sorrow, the solution is the same. You need God’s forgiving and transforming grace. You need forgiving grace for having the wrong kind of response to your sin and you need transforming grace to have the kind of broken heart that honors God. Those graces can be yours now, just for the asking. Before you proceed further in reading this book, let me encourage you to seek Christ and ask for his grace to forgive and change you as you fight for godly sorrow.
Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace
1. Spend some time in honest reflection, asking whether you have been sorrowful in your struggle with pornography. If so, what have you been sorrowful over? Is your sadness over the consequences of being caught or over the break in your relationship with God? Ask God to help you be honest in your answer. Be aware that if you’ve had an ongoing struggle with pornography, your sorrow is likely worldly. Writ
e down the real reasons for your sadness.
2. Spend time in prayer asking for Christ’s forgiving grace for your worldly sorrow or for the absence of sorrow. Ask for Christ’s transforming grace to fill your heart with godly sorrow over your sin of looking at pornography. Believe that as you trust in Christ, he will give you what you ask for.
3. To fuel your godly sorrow, meditate on passages of Scripture such as Psalm 25; Psalm 32; and Titus 2:11–15. Consider what these passages teach about the goodness of God and the horror of sin. Ask God to help you feel the weight of the damage your sin does to your relationship with God.
CHAPTER 3
Using Accountability to Fight Pornography
It was one of those beautiful afternoons in early fall when a crisp breeze in the air and a cup of hot coffee in your hand make it just comfortable enough to sit outside. I was waiting on the patio of a local coffee shop for a church member who had asked to speak with me. I didn’t know what was on his mind, but as I waited I prayed that I could serve him in some way. Ben arrived, and after some small talk, he got straight to the point. He was in a losing battle with pornography.
Ben was trying really hard to defeat his sin, but sincere effort had combined with sparse victory to produce serious discouragement. His former college pastor had insisted he find a group of guys to hold him accountable. Ben followed this good advice and had been faithfully meeting with two guys every week since. Every guy in the group sensed that their efforts in the battle against porn had stalled, with no real victory. My friend fought off tears, looking for an explanation for his frequent failure. Why was change eluding him when he was doing exactly what his pastor had told him to do?
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