3. Once you find a spiritually mature person who is willing to be an accountability partner, set up a regular time to meet every week or every other week. You should agree on an agenda for your time together. In the early stages it would be helpful to read and discuss one chapter of this book each week.
4. Pray and ask God to forgive you for any doubts, passivity, or hiding you see in your heart. Pray in faith for God to give you the grace to change and seek accountability.
CHAPTER 4
Using Radical Measures to Fight Pornography
I want to tell you the story of two guys who were totally hooked. But they weren’t hooked on pornography; they were hooked on cookies. And these “guys” were not people at all; they were two fictional friends named Frog and Toad—the stars of a series of children’s books I loved hearing as a kid and now love reading as a parent.
In my favorite story about Frog and Toad, Toad makes an amazing batch of cookies. He is so overwhelmed with how good they taste that he hops straight over to Frog’s place to share the deliciousness. As the two devour these incredibly tasty cookies, they quickly realize they can’t stop eating them. Just as they decide to have just one last cookie, they find they want to eat even more. Despite their resolve to quit eating, they find themselves continuing to indulge. Frog and Toad quickly realize that if they are ever going to stop eating cookies, they will have to do something to limit their access to them. The rest of the story details all the steps they take to make the cookies harder to get. Though you may be wondering what a children’s story has to do with fighting for purity with the power of grace, hang on! This story contains a powerful lesson about defeating sin.
Getting Serious in the Struggle against Sin
Many people struggle with pornography because it is so easy for them to get it. The simple truth is that if you keep pornography easily available, you will look at it sooner or later. If you want to experience true and lasting change, you can pray, beg, cry, and wail, but at the end of the day you will also need to be very practical. You will need to make porn less accessible. Jesus made this important point in the Sermon on the Mount:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”
Matthew 5:27–30
Jesus speaks these words to people who are struggling with sexual sin. In other words, Jesus is speaking these words to you. He makes such a strong statement because he wants you to wake up to the seriousness of your sexual sin and to alert you to the radical measures necessary to deal with it. Jesus calls Christians to a serious standard and a serious strategy because of the serious stakes involved.
First, Jesus provides a serious standard. If a person wants purity, it is not enough to avoid having a physical, sexual relationship with someone who is not his or her spouse. If they want purity, Jesus says, they must not want sex with someone who is not their spouse. Jesus raises the standard of purity from physical acts of fornication to lustful intentions of the heart and lustful looks of the eyes. He tells us we are adulterous people, not only when we have sex with someone who is not our spouse, but whenever we look at someone who is not our spouse and desire any sort of sexual relationship with that person. This truth highlights one of the many reasons that pornography is wrong: it reveals the evil, corrupt desires of our sinful heart.
Jesus follows this with a serious strategy for fighting sexual sin. If you are tempted to violate the standard and commit sexual sin, then Jesus says you must gouge out your eye or cut off your hand. You must not only remove these parts of your body; you must also throw them away. Jesus won’t allow you to retain these sinning body parts in hopes of using them later. He commands that you cast them away and abandon any future prospect of using them again for sinful purposes.
To be clear, Jesus does not mean you must get an actual knife and literally remove these parts of your body. Jesus often speaks in powerful metaphors. After all, even people who lack eyes and hands can still lust and sin in their hearts. Jesus is urging something even more radical than a onetime physical amputation. He is telling us that when we are tempted to sin sexually, we must act aggressively—every time we are tempted and in every way required to avoid the sin. If you are struggling with pornography, Jesus wants you to understand that you will need to get tough with your sin. You will need to employ radical measures to limit your access and starve your temptation.
Finally, Jesus discusses the serious stakes of disobedience. Why does Jesus urge such radical measures? Because of the life-and-death nature of the consequences. Employing radical measures is the path to life, while indulging sin is the path to hell. God does not forbid sexual immorality because he wants you to be miserable; God forbids it because sexual immorality leads to brokenness, sadness, emptiness, death, and hell. Righteousness, on the other hand, leads to fullness, joy, peace, and life. According to Jesus, sin is not complicated. There are two simple choices and two guaranteed consequences—the easy path of sexual immorality, which will kill you, and the hard path of radical warfare against it, which will lead you to the fullness of life.
You may have already experienced a small taste of the hell that Jesus warns about for those who indulge in sexual immorality. If this is true for you, I want you to know it is possible for you to know the life that Jesus promises. You can have it—but it won’t come at a discount. If you want the life God offers, you will have to get serious about resisting your sin. You will have to be aggressive. You will have to get radical. Amputation is not easy. It is extraordinarily painful and carries with it a sense of loss, but the reward is far better than the alternative.
You will need to employ radical measures in at least three areas. You look at porn when you have the desire to see it, when you have the time to look at it, and when it is available to you. Nobody looks at pornography without all three of these elements coming together. In your fight to be free from pornography, you must learn to take radical steps to eliminate each one.
Radical Measures in Your Thought Life
Radical measures should begin in a critical area that is often overlooked—your thought life. This means looking more carefully at how you think about pornography. Are there specific times when you indulge in lustful fantasies? Are there places where you are particularly prone to think about pornography? The truth is that you could be all alone in a room filled with pornography and remain pure if you had no desire for it. In fact, this is the long-term goal. You will know you are finally free from pornography when you have full access to it and yet no desire for it. Though you’re not there yet, that’s where you’re headed. And in order to get there, you will need to change the way you think about pornography.
Viewing pornography is typically the last stop on a long road of sexual sins. A dozen other things have gone wrong in your heart and mind by the time you actually look at porn. You will not have victory over pornography until you first have victory in the battles that come before you look. Foundationally, this battle begins in your heart—with your thinking. Imagine you have a garden with a flower that has ugly blossoms. You don’t want to see the ugly bloom anymore. Every time the flower buds, you pluck it off. Predictably, the blossom keeps coming back. It will continue to do so until you remove the plant at the root. The same principle applies to the pornographic lust that is choking out good spiritual fruit in the garden of your heart. If you only attack the outward behavior, the problem will keep returning. You must uproot pornographic lust in your thinking, dealing with what Jesus unveils as the lustful intentions of your heart (Matthew 5:28).
I can guarantee failure if you wait to begin the figh
t against porn until you are alone in the dark with your computer. This is a battle that must be waged the very moment you become aware of your desire to see pornography. That very second is the time to take radical measures. And there are three radical measures you can take with regard to your thinking.
First, you must repent immediately. We talked about our need for repentance in the first chapter. Repentance isn’t something that only takes place in tranquil moments of calm reflection or intense times of powerful resolve. Repentance is an ongoing practice, and it happens most commonly in the fog of temptation. Repentance is something you will do repeatedly in your long-term struggle against porn. In that initial moment of temptation, you must begin asking the Lord to forgive you for your lustful desires. You must ask him for grace to flee this temptation. You must plead with him to give you the power to do the other things I’ll mention later in this chapter.
Second, you must remember Scripture. Scripture memory is not just a pious spiritual discipline for people who are more holy or mature than you are. Scripture memory is a powerful weapon that can give you victory in your battle against porn. The psalmist says to God, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11). The Bible—internalized as a treasure in your heart—is available as a powerful ally against temptation. You have access to an entire Bible full of passages you can hide in your heart to help you in temptation. You can memorize Psalm 119:11; Matthew 5:27–30; or any other Bible verse in this book. The passages you select do not even need to address sexual purity. A diverse stockpile of biblical truth is needed to combat the lies of temptation when they come.
Third, you must reach out for help. Repentance is crucial. Remembering the Bible is essential. But as important as it is to be armed with these powerful graces, you are not designed to fight the battles of sin and temptation alone. You must call in reinforcements. You should have several people you’ve talked with in advance who will hold you accountable, people you can call when you are in trouble. I often tell people that I want them to feel comfortable calling me at any time of the day or night. They might wake me up in the middle of the night, but it’s better to do that than to sin. Reaching out to others immediately in the midst of temptation will often be difficult to do because sin loves the darkness and is skilled at presenting attractive excuses. You must fight these temptations and expose the darkness to the light.
Radical Measures in Your Use of Time
In addition to a transformation in your thinking, the second area in which you must take extreme measures is your use of time. A person who desires pornography can only view it when it’s available and when they have time alone to view it. Imagine you have a desire to see pornography and are in a room surrounded by porn. If one of your pastors or an accountability partner happens to be in the room with you, you would probably be able to resist looking—despite your desire and the availability of the porn. Now, take those people away and you’re instantly tempted again. Why? Because now you’re alone.
This means you must limit the time you spend alone—especially in the early phases of the struggle against pornography. Be honest with your accountability partner about the typical times when you are alone and find yourself tempted. Make plans to spend those times with others. You can study together, take a walk, play sports, read the Bible and pray, or watch a movie. You can even have an accountability partner scheduled to call you during those times (with the requirement that you must pick up the phone) to check in on you. If you’re married, you may need to commit to going to bed at the same time as your spouse, even if you don’t feel tired. Cut back as much as possible on the times when you are alone and tempted to indulge in pornography.
Radical Measures for Cutting Off Access to Pornography
If you are serious about being free from pornography, then you will also need to employ radical measures that affect how you access pornography. Often, this is the area most people think about first when they are considering radical measures, but they may not go far enough for the changes to be effective. Because of this, I will offer some practical and thorough advice for severing yourself from your sources of pornography.
You most likely view porn from the same sources again and again. You must eliminate, not limit, your access to these outlets for pornography. There are three main ways in which a person can access pornography today: pay for it in a store, view it on the Internet or TV, or access it through a friend. We will talk about radical measures for each one. Since our sin turns us into inventors of evil (see Romans 1:30), you may find other creative avenues for accessing porn, especially as technological advances make it even more accessible. If so, be diligent to apply the principles below to these new sources as well.
Let’s say you obtained pornography by buying it at a pornographic video store or renting it from a movie rental location. If so, you must take radical measures to make your access to these places as difficult as possible.
First, take radical measures to restrict your ability to view any movies you might purchase. This means you hand over to your accountability partner any devices that play movies—DVD players, televisions, computers, and the like. You also need to destroy any movies, magazines, or pictures you already possess.
Second, take radical measures to restrict your ability to keep porn where you live. You should give your accountability partner total access to your home, which should include keys and your explicit permission and encouragement to enter at any point to do a spot-check of your residence and your car. Your accountability partner should have permission to come when you’re not there and examine even the most private areas. If you live alone, you should consider getting a roommate to make it even more challenging to keep immoral material around.
Third, you may need to take radical measures that restrict your ability to travel freely. If you have access to pornography in stores because you have freedom to travel anywhere you want, you may need to limit this kind of unmonitored mobility. There are a few ways you can limit yourself. Many smartphones have the capability for GPS tracking. You can install such software on your phone so the person helping you can check where you are (or where you’ve been). You will think twice about visiting a place you shouldn’t if you know your accountability partner can tell you were there. It also may be necessary for you to forfeit your freedom to drive a car for a season. This sacrifice won’t end your life, but it will require some adjustments. You may need to arrange for your accountability partner to hold your keys until you need them for a specific reason. You would then turn the keys in as soon as you finished your obligation. Depending on your situation, you could bike to work, take the bus, join a carpool, or have a family member or church friend drive you. You might even need to find a new job or a different place to live so you can put your driving on hold indefinitely. The point is that you cannot maintain the unbridled mobility you currently have to access pornography whenever temptation strikes.
Fourth, take radical measures to restrict your purchasing ability. If you buy your porn (either at a store or electronically), it is entirely possible you need to give up some of your freedom to spend your own money. You may need to provide your bank passwords to someone who can monitor your transactions. If you do, you should agree to avoid cash withdrawals or to provide receipts for any cash purchases. You should also commit to providing receipts for any purchases at places like grocery, drug, and convenience stores where cash withdrawals can be added to purchases and won’t show up on statements. You can arrange to receive a daily or weekly allowance from your accountability partner or spouse. Even then, it would be necessary to account for the allowance at the end of the time period with receipts.
Perhaps you obtain pornography by viewing it on the Internet or television. Three radical measures can help you limit your access to pornography from these sources. First, you can ask someone to put passwords on your computer, phone, or TV that will make it impossible for you to access the Internet or to view pornographic material without
the code, which only your accountability partner or perhaps your spouse would know. You also should be denied administrative privileges on any devices that allow this. Such access should be reserved for the person who is holding you accountable.
Second, install accountability software on your computer and phone. This software is inexpensive, is available from many different sources, and either blocks objectionable websites or records your Internet activity and sends it to someone of your choosing. It’s best to use software that does both. You also should implement filtering and monitoring strategies for your router—not just for your individual devices.
Third, you can get rid of any equipment you use to view pornography. In our high-tech age we often consider it impossible to exist without our computers, tablet devices, smartphones, or TVs. The honest truth is that you don’t need any electronic device, but you do need to be holy. The inconvenience will be worth the gain in holiness.
Doing all of these things can be a particular challenge when traveling out of town. When traveling on business, you will need to be especially diligent in using each of these measures. In addition to the things mentioned here, you may need to agree to show your accountability partner an itemized hotel bill to help you avoid the purchase of any movies in your room. Because many hotel televisions make immoral programming available without an additional fee, it may be necessary to have a maintenance worker remove the television from your room. They really will do this if you ask them. One man I counseled would text me a time-stamped picture of the television being removed from his room whenever he was out on the road.
Finally Free Page 5