3. Confess Your Sin with a Willingness to Accept the Consequences of Your Sin.
Tom’s marriage was ultimately stronger because of his honesty about his sin, but there were still bumps along the way. When Tom initially confessed, his wife was hurt, shocked, and angry. She cried. She asked how he could do this. She charged that he must not think she was attractive. She made him sleep on the couch. Tom responded by expressing his own frustration to his wife. “But I did the right thing! I confessed! And now you’re angry with me? Shouldn’t you be more gracious? More willing to forgive?”
The truth was that his wife was willing to forgive, but she needed time to process the crushing news Tom had delivered. Tom was frustrated because his expectations were unrealistic. He should have expected his wife to be wounded by his confession. He should have expected relational consequences. It was naive and unfair for him to assume his confession would be a quick fix. Instead, he needed to understand that his confession was the first step toward a solution.
When you confess your sin, you need to expect that those you’ve wronged are likely to be upset, angry, and deeply hurt by your sin. You should expect relational consequences, not all of which will be in just proportion to what you have done. Remember that we always sin against other sinners. Offering forgiveness can be just as hard as confessing sin.
The people we sin against know how to sin in response. A loved one may respond with emotional shock. Instead of reacting to their reaction, be prepared to stay calm and give them time for your confession to settle in. If a parent reacts with sinful anger, trust God! Instead of blaming them for their response and dulling your confession with an accusation, put yourself in their shoes. View their shock, hurt, and anger as another reflection of the seriousness of your sin and the deep wounds it has left in the hearts of those you love. No matter what the response, trust God to give you the grace to know how to handle it. Talk to the wise person helping you, and figure out what to do together. After you resolve to confess, know that it’s not your job to figure out all the possibilities, plan for every contingency, and worry about all the potential responses. Your job is simply to be faithful and do the next right thing. Confess with a willingness to accept consequences and work toward long-term restoration.
4. Consider Confessing Your Sin with a Third Party Who Can Help with the Response.
When Tom agreed that he should confess his sin, we offered to be present with him or to let him do it alone. Tom asked us to go with him. In fact, in my years in ministry I’ve never had a man in Tom’s situation tell me he wanted to confess his sin alone. I think choosing to confess with a third party present is often a very wise decision.
When you confess a serious and secret sin like pornography to someone you love, you will deal with countless variables. Having a trusted person there helps you handle those variables. When someone else is present, it can keep you from chickening out and not confessing. They can help you provide the right amount of detail so you avoid saying too much or not enough. They can guide you in knowing how to answer questions the other person asks and can be an encouragement to your loved one that you really are seeking outside help and not handling things by yourself. Having a third party present also encourages the other person to avoid a sinful response. Finally, a wise third party can help chart a path forward so both people know what to do after the confession.
When you select the person who accompanies you, it is wise to choose a mature Christian whom the other person can respect and trust. An accountability partner isn’t necessarily the best choice. You might feel comfortable going with this person, but he or she might not be the best choice to inspire confidence and comfort with the person you’re addressing. Talk it over, pray for wisdom, and make a thoughtful decision that will serve the process and the best interests of the person to whom you are confessing.
5. Confess Your Sin Thoroughly, but Not Necessarily Exhaustively.
In her pain, Tom’s wife demanded to know the specifics of what Tom had been viewing. She asked detailed questions about what the women he was watching looked like, and what they were doing. Such questions put Tom in an awkward position. He wanted to be honest with his wife and not anger her by refusing the information, but he wasn’t sure it was helpful for her to know such details. Tom was entirely right to have these qualms. In my experience, many spouses (especially wives) hunt for meticulous details in the aftermath of such devastating revelations. When they find that their spouses have been living in a repeated pattern of secret sin, they want unfiltered access to every bit of information. They want to gain a sense of control by obtaining information they have been denied. Such impulses are understandable, but usually not helpful. Providing graphic details about the kind of porn you have been viewing can actually harm the restoration process. Vivid details, once lodged in the mind, are hard to extract. A person may feel that knowing such particulars will help, but it actually hurts.
At the same time, it was important for Tom—and for you as well—to be forthright and thorough in his confession. Those to whom you confess need to know you have a problem with pornography (not just a struggle with lust), and they need some idea of how serious the struggle is. They may need to know how frequent the struggle is—every day, every week, every month? They may need to know if you are in financial or legal trouble. They may need to know if you are looking at a type of porn that indicates you have other problems besides a desire to view heterosexual pornography. Talk with your accountability partner about how to confess the details as thoroughly as possible while knowing that the person hearing your confession absolutely does not need to know exhaustive details about what you have looked at.
Putting a cap on the amount of information you provide can be tricky to do. The person you are confessing to may view your restraint as a sign that you are being evasive and less than forthcoming. This is another reason you should consider having a third party with you who can gently help the other person realize the prudence of a controlled confession.
6. Confess Your Sin without Making Any Excuses for Your Sin.
Tom made a critical error when he confessed to his wife. After he fessed up, Tom said something foolish before either of us in the room could stop him. He commented that perhaps if she had a more active sexual relationship with him, he would not have been tempted. His wife did not take that very well.
Her response was understandable because Tom’s suggestion was selfish and wrong. This kind of statement transfers the responsibility for your sin onto another person. When you sin, you are the one responsible (Mark 7:21–23). Other people can sin against you, make your life difficult, and entice you to sin, but they can never make you sin. When you sin, it is always your fault, and you should never say or do anything to make it sound like the fault lies elsewhere. If someone did sin against you, it is necessary to bring that up only after you have confessed and taken full responsibility for your own sin (Matthew 7:1–5).
Confession and Fear
I know I’m asking you to do something that is hard. As you consider taking this step toward purity, it may feel like confessing a secret sin is one of the hardest things you have ever been asked to do. I know how overwhelming it can feel to consider confessing such a serious sin and to be terrified that those you love will hate you for it. To overcome this fear, you must focus on two truths.
First, you must avoid living in fear and instead trust in God’s Word. As you confront the challenge of confessing your sin to others, you have a choice to make. Will you follow your fears and stay silent, or will you live by faith and confess? From your perspective, there will be many reasons to remain silent. You will think about preserving your shell of integrity, protecting your loved ones from harm, or sparing your relationships pain and heartache. God’s Word pierces through these confused, fearful, and selfish arguments with a bold and clear message: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Will you trust your twisted wisdom or God’s trustworthy Word? Will you find mercy
, or will you know distress?
Second, if you are to fight your fears and know the mercy of confession, you will find you can’t do it yourself. You need power. You need grace. The confession we have discussed in this chapter must be covered in grace at the beginning of the process and at the end. We have already talked about the mercy and grace that comes to those who confess their sin. Here we must acknowledge that in order to experience the grace that flows from confession of sin, you need the power that leads to confession. The power you need that leads to your confession of sin is the forgiving and transforming grace we have discussed from the outset of this book. You need to seek God’s forgiving grace for not confessing your sin, and you need God’s transforming grace to empower you to make your confession. When you receive God’s grace to make your confession to others, then you will receive God’s grace, which flows from that confession. Confession is bookended with grace. If you are tempted to follow your fears, confess those fears to Jesus. Ask him for his forgiving grace. Beseech God to give you his transforming grace that will empower you to confess your sin where it is essential to do so. Jesus loves you. He wants you to be pure. If you trust him, he will meet you with kindness and give you what you need to be forgiven … and to change.
Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace
1. Who are the people your sin has affected that you need to approach with an honest confession? Do you have a spouse or fiancée? Have you lied to those you love so you could indulge in pornography? Have you used the technology or money of people who would not approve? Write down the people in the circle of your sin.
2. Perhaps there are people you are unsure about. As you think about confessing your sin to all who are touched by your sin—and not confessing to those who are not—there may be some gray areas. Write down the names of people you have questions about. Talk with the person helping you about these concerns.
3. Do you have any questions for your accountability partner about your confession? Are there others whom it would be wise to take with you as you confess your sin? Write down any names and discuss them with your accountability partner.
4. Now you need to encounter God’s forgiving and transforming grace. Where have you been guilty of sin in the midst of the call to confess your sin? Have you avoided confession, even though you knew it was necessary? What fears have you believed instead of God’s Word? Write them down and pray through the list, asking for the forgiving grace of Jesus. Now ask Jesus to empower you to be obedient to confess your sin.
5. Make an appointment within twenty-four hours with the first person on your list of those who need to hear your confession. Move through your list in a faithful and timely way, working with your accountability partner on any issues that arise.
CHAPTER 6
Using Your Spouse (or Your Singleness) to Fight Pornography
The first car I ever owned was a 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. You might not think that sounds like a very cool car, but that’s because you never saw it. If you’d seen it, you would be positive it was not a cool car. It was boxy and gray. It made a not-so-stylish whistling noise that didn’t help my reputation in high school. The noise and the boxy, gray exterior was just the beginning, though. When you actually squeaked open a door, you saw the hyper-uncool burgundy seats made of Naugahyde. If you don’t know what Naugahyde is, then you are uncommonly blessed. It’s a fabric that they coat in plastic so it resembles leather. Eventually it cracks, pinches your skin, and even sticks to you. I was thankful for my car, but it was not a great car. In fact, now that I think about it, I really don’t want to think about my old Olds anymore.
I’d like to stop thinking about the unpleasantness of whistling Oldsmobiles and cracked Naugahyde digging into my thighs. However, it’s hard to get the image out of my mind. What should I do? I could try really hard not to think about the car. I could try thinking to myself, I need to stop thinking about that Oldsmobile. That Cutlass brings back bad memories of expensive repairs and classmates’ jokes made at my expense—memories I would like to get out of my mind. That car was a rolling junkyard, so I need to quit dwelling on it.
Do you notice something about my effort to quit thinking about my old gray car? It isn’t working. Even though I’m trying really hard to quit thinking about that unpleasant automobile, my efforts are ineffective. Every thought that goes through my mind—though motivated by a desire to quit thinking about the car—only presses the image of it deeper into my mind. I need another strategy.
My problem is that I am focusing on the very thing I want to stop thinking about. Instead, I need to start thinking about something else—something different. Let me tell you about the car I drive now. It’s a Toyota Camry. I admit it’s still not the coolest car on the market today, but I can’t help liking it. The air-conditioning actually works. The engine runs so quietly that I literally cannot hear it. At times I’ve turned the key twice, assuming the car wasn’t on because I couldn’t hear anything rattling. It has a CD player, cloth seats, automatic windows, and cruise control. I may not be hip, but I don’t care. I am thankful for my Camry.
Did you notice what just happened? I had to stop thinking about my old car in order to begin thinking about my new car. Focusing on my Camry is more effective in changing my thinking than trying not to think about my old Cutlass Ciera. This illustrates a very powerful principle: You can never stop thinking about something by trying not to think about it. If you want to get something out of your mind, you must begin thinking about something else.
The Bible tells us this is a vital principle for how we change. We must refocus our thinking away from porn and toward something holy. God wants to change our thinking, not by having us focus on the things we’re trying to quit thinking about, but by replacing old, sinful thoughts with new, righteous thoughts.
So what does all of this have to do with the title of this chapter—the idea that you can, and should, use your spouse (or if you are single, your singleness) to fight pornography? A key passage of Scripture—Proverbs 5—powerfully expresses this principle of redirected thinking and calls you away from the impurity of sexual immorality and toward the purity of a sexual relationship with your spouse. We will look at the entire chapter in two sections. Here is how the first section reads:
My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
turn your ear to my words of insight,
that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
lest you lose your honor to others
and your dignity to one who is cruel,
lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
I would not obey my teachers
or turn my ear to my instructors.
And I was soon in serious trouble
in the assembly of God’s people.”
Proverbs 5:1–14
If you are looking for the word pornography, you will not find it in Proverbs 5. Although there wasn’t anything like our modern idea of pornography when Proverbs 5 was written, the adulterous woman mentioned there can be taken to include any sexually immoral woman—whether encountered through porn or in any situation in life. Wi
th this in mind, Proverbs 5 is one of the most honest statements about pornography you will ever read.
From Temptation to Threat:
The Forbidden Woman
Proverbs 5 directs our attention in ways that keep our thoughts moving forward. King Solomon, who had lived a lust-fueled life himself, begins with an honest statement about the powerful temptations of the forbidden woman. The text reads, “The lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil.” The Bible is honest in stating that there is a sinister appeal about this woman who promises sexual pleasure without the commitment and investment of a marital relationship. God clearly does not approve of this attraction, as elsewhere in Scripture he calls people to sexual faithfulness and fidelity in marriage. But Solomon knows full well that the temptations are present—and pervasive.
Proverbs 5 does not stop there, however. The passage keeps our minds moving, showing us the temptations of the forbidden woman. Solomon goes on to unpack how dangerously threatening she is. He reveals the jagged truth about the forbidden woman and the frightening truth about the man who is drawn to her. First, he tells us this woman is dangerous and deadly: “In the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.” Through the words of Solomon, God shows us the appalling substance beneath the appealing surface. Porn is only appealing when you remain at the surface level of your attraction and fail to see the consequences. Your thinking stops at the tempting lips of honey, the speech as smooth as oil, and you fail to think about what comes next. God wants to move your thinking forward—to what follows the perverse “sweetness” of temptation. The very next verse reveals the painful death behind the misleading mask. The truth about the forbidden woman of porn is that she is not as sweet and smooth as she first appears. She is bitter and sharp, and those who follow her are led to a place of death. The sinful logic of porn only works if you don’t think about it very hard.
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