Humility Requires Grace
We will not be completely humble until we see Jesus face-to-face. Being humble isn’t easy. Like Diotrephes, we want to be first. This desire to be first is the root of indwelling sin. As James reminds us, every vile practice comes out of a heart that is selfishly ambitious. This means that all of our battles against sin are essentially battles against our arrogant hearts. This principle is as true for pornography as for any other sin. Where can we find the power and motivation to wage war against a foe embedded so deeply in our hearts?
The promise we repeatedly return to is the gospel—that God gives us his grace to forgive and change us into new people. God gives us his power to be cleansed from our arrogant conceit when we name our sin, ask him to forgive our sin, and believe we are forgiven and cleansed from it. God gives us his power to obey when we believe that the blood of Jesus empowers our efforts at humility. By believing, we receive God’s own power to be forgiven of the spirit of Diotrephes, who loved to be first, and the power to possess the spirit of Christ, who promises that the first will be last, and the last first.
Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace
1. Do you recognize areas of arrogance in your life that lead to pornography, and are you convicted by this arrogance? Ask the Lord’s forgiveness, and seek his power to grow in humility.
2. Spend time praying through Titus 3:1–7 and ask the Lord to open your eyes to the saving work he has accomplished in your life. Pray for a humble spirit as you consider your sin and his mercy to you.
3. Make a list of other sins you need to work on in your life besides pornography. Talk with your accountability partner, spouse, parents, or others and ask them to help you identify patterns of sinfulness in your life that exist outside the area of sexual purity. Take time to pursue God’s grace to forgive and change in this area. Work with your accountability partner to develop a plan to begin growing in those areas.
4. Consider some ways you can begin to serve others in your sphere of influence, and then make a list of four specific ways you can serve. In addition to planning opportunities to serve, use your list when you are tempted so you have something profitable to do rather than indulging your selfish desire to see pornography. Seek God’s grace to forgive and empower when you don’t desire to serve.
CHAPTER 8
Using Gratitude to Fight Pornography
Dustin had changed. Since he and I first began meeting together, the Lord had begun to set him free from the addiction to pornography that had completely dominated his life. Back then, Dustin was so trapped in his sin that he couldn’t imagine going a single day without looking at pornography for at least several hours. This life-dominating sin led to all kinds of difficulties in his life. He almost lost his job because of frequent absences from work. He would have likely been fired if his boss had known Dustin was not really sick as he had claimed, but was spending his time looking at porn. Dustin was experiencing difficulties with his wife, who knew about his problem, was committed to him, and wanted help, but was full of despair and convinced that things would never change. On top of all this, Dustin was constantly depressed, feeling distant from his wife, his friends, and, most importantly, the Lord. When he wasn’t depressed, he felt numb. Life seemed to have lost any sense of vibrant joy or purpose.
But things had changed. Dustin hadn’t looked at pornography for almost a year. He was in a growing relationship with the Lord and enjoying a closer walk with Christ than he had ever known in his life as a Christ follower. He was restored to his wife, and they were experiencing more joy in their marriage than ever before. The fight for purity hadn’t been easy. There had certainly been struggles and battles to fight along the way, but there was no denying that the change God had worked was profound.
Dustin and I talked one afternoon about how kind the Lord had been to change him. I asked him to share what he considered the most significant milestones on his journey to freedom. He mentioned two things. The most important factor, he said, was learning how to draw near to Jesus, which is what we’ll look at in the next chapter. This wasn’t much of a surprise to him, as he knew he had grown distant from Christ and needed to draw near to him again. But the second milestone he shared was something he hadn’t anticipated at all. Dustin was surprised to discover that one of the most significant areas of growth for him on the road to freedom was learning to be thankful.
The Importance of Gratitude in the Fight for Freedom
In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, God shows us how powerful a spirit of gratitude can be as a weapon in the fight against pornography:
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
Ephesians 5:3–4, emphasis added
In this passage we see that God forbids all kinds of impurity, actions, and thoughts that do not reflect being holy and set apart as God’s people. Earlier, we saw that God forbids impure speech—ruling out obscenity, foolish talk, and coarse joking. God wants his people to be pure in what they say. Therefore, whenever we speak about sex or our sexual struggles, we must seek to do so in a way that is respectful of others and honoring to God.
But impure speech isn’t the only kind of immorality God forbids. He also forbids all kinds of sexual immorality. In addition to pure speech, three specific areas are emphasized.
First, God forbids actions that are obviously sexually immoral. In fact, he says that those who are pursuing purity should not have “even a hint” of this kind of sexual immorality in their lives. Adultery, fornication, and viewing pornography are examples of what is forbidden here.
Second, God forbids any kind of impurity. God strengthens his previous command to avoid sexual immorality. This command is especially relevant for those who want to push out the boundary lines of purity as far as they can. Today, some argue that unless you had sexual intercourse you haven’t had sex. In fact, I’ve talked to many young men and women who answer questions about their purity with statements like, “Well, we didn’t have sex, but …” Instead of trying to get as close to the line as we can without crossing over, we should cultivate a love for purity in every area of life, not just sexual purity. To those who want to push the line, getting as close to sin as they can, God urges that they turn around and head in the opposite direction—to get as far away as possible!
Third, God forbids greed. God strengthens his command against sexual immorality by forbidding any kind of impurity, and he strengthens both of these commands by forbidding greed. The use of the word greed in this context might be confusing if you always equate greed with money. But greed covers more than just a powerful desire for money. Greed has to do with covetousness, sinful desire, and evil lusts. You can be greedy for all kinds of things—money, food, power, or, as Paul includes in the context here, sex. Talking about greed strengthens the other commands forbidding sexual immorality and impurity because by forbidding greed, God is directly addressing the kind of heart that drives all of these immoral and impure behaviors. Not only should we avoid sexually immoral behavior; we should avoid having a heart that is greedy for them. Jesus makes the same point when he teaches that the sin of adultery begins with the lust that fuels it in the heart (Matthew 5:27–28).
In Ephesians 5, we see that God forbids all kinds of sexual immorality. He forbids sexually immoral speech, sexually immoral acts, the impure behaviors that push the lines toward those acts, and the greedy hearts that desire those acts. But God does not just forbid in this passage; he also commends. God says that in place of immorality there should be something else, and that something else is thankfulness.
Don’t skip past this. Settle in on this idea, and let it sink down deep for a few minutes. It may be the key strategy God wants to use to set you free from your addiction to pornography. In this passage, God is urging Christians to replace sexual
immorality with something else. He could have inspired the apostle Paul to write any number of things here: “but rather love” or mercy or self-control or joy. Instead of any of those wonderful things, God wanted Paul to tell Christians to replace immorality with thanksgiving. This means we need to consider why gratitude is so important to God in the fight against sexually immoral acts like pornography.
The Opposite of Gratitude is Greed
Paul wants Christians to fight for thanksgiving in their struggle for purity because a greedy heart is at the root of sexual immorality and impurity. The only time people are immoral and impure is when they are greedy for things that are immoral and impure. Take away the greedy heart that desires immorality, and those evil actions will also go away. Paul sees something unique about gratitude that has the power to destroy the greedy lust gripping the heart. We can better understand the connection between greed and gratitude when we grasp their opposite natures.
Greedy lust wants what it does not have. Of course, it’s not necessarily wrong to want things you don’t have. If you’re hungry, it’s good to want a sandwich. If you’re thirsty, it’s right to desire some water. When you’re tired, there’s nothing wrong with longing for a good night’s sleep. Greedy lust, however, perverts desire either in degree or in direction. Greed perverts desire in degree when you want a good thing too much. If you’re hungry and want a sandwich so badly that you’re short-tempered with the server at the deli, or if you’re thirsty and want a drink so badly that you don’t share with others who are thirsty, then your good desire is perverted in degree. Greed perverts desire in direction when you want things you shouldn’t want or you want to satisfy your desire in the wrong way. Sexual desire is not sinful in itself, but when you desire sex with a woman who is not your spouse, your desire is pointed in the wrong direction and is lustful.
In contrast, gratitude is the attitude of a heart that is thankful for anything and everything the Lord gives. You are grateful when you are glad for and content with what you have. Thankfulness is the opposite of lust because the thankful heart has stopped prowling around for everything it doesn’t have and is overwhelmed with appreciation for all the good things it already possesses. The logic of lust requires you to be discontent with what you have and pay attention to all the things you don’t have. The logic of thankfulness requires you to focus on what you have already received and to be overcome with thanks. Gratitude is the opposite of greed.
This is more than a true principle or an interesting contrast; it is also a strategy for defeating sin. God doesn’t only make known to us the truth that greed and gratitude are opposites. He commands us to stop being greedy and start being grateful. In a war it’s not enough to defend against the attack of an aggressor. Ultimately, we must take offensive measures to be victorious. Gratitude is the offensive weapon that destroys the enemy stronghold of greed that is at the source of your desire for pornography. When you begin to destroy greed with gratitude, you’re not far from freedom.
Learning to Be Thankful
If you struggle with porn, one of your greatest needs is to grow in the grace of gratitude. Just because you may never have thought about this doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Porn is only consumed by thankless people. The desire for porn is a desire to escape from what the Lord has given you into a fake universe full of things you do not have and will never have. Porn is the trading of gratitude for greed. Porn trades joy in the reality God has graced you with for greed in the counterfeit world he has not. Defeating porn requires a grateful consideration of God’s good gifts to you.
You have a wonderful and precious life given to you from the good hand of God himself. He has given things to you that he has given to no other person. They are yours and yours alone for the few precious moments you have in this life. Every second you spend lusting after the women in porn is a priceless treasure given away and is a distraction from glad thankfulness in the life you have. While you long for the women of porn who are not yours, you fail to consider all the things that are yours.
The Lord has given you precious friends to love and family relationships to steward. All of us know people who care for us. Whether friends, parents, children, cousins, or spiritual leaders, we are all in relationships. Think of these people for a moment and be grateful for them. Perhaps you have wonderful parents who have cared for you well and served you in every way they can. Maybe you have kids whose joy and energy fill your life with happiness. I’ll bet you have a best friend with whom you love to laugh—a friend you enjoy being with in good times and bad. These relationships are a gift that you should think about and be thankful for.
Do you have a wife? If so, the Lord has given her to you to love and cherish. Think of your wife for a moment and be grateful. Consider her laugh and her smile; ponder her physical body, which God designed especially for you as a gift to be enjoyed; think about the friends she has and all the things they admire about her; remember your wedding night; contemplate the tender moments you’ve shared with no other person but her. Even if your marriage has difficulties, God has given you your wife as a gift. Reflect on this gift and be thankful.
What ministry has the Lord given you? The Lord calls all of his people to use their gifts and talents in his service—regardless of whether your ministry is a paid position. What gifts has he given you to steward? What responsibilities has he placed on your shoulders? Think of this for a moment and be grateful. When was the last time you thanked God for the opportunities to use the gifts he has given to you? When was the last time you thanked him for the people in your sphere of influence who appreciate the way you minister to them? When was the last time you thanked God for those in your ministry who have challenged and corrected you? Reflect on these things and be thankful.
All who trust in Christ have a saving relationship with the Lord. When was the last time you considered the great love of the Father in creating you and redeeming you? Your life is an incalculable gift from heaven given to you by God himself. Your salvation was purchased for you by the infinitely valuable blood of Christ. As those who have been made and saved by God, we have received forgiveness for our sins, and infinitely more! We receive Christ’s own power to change and become like him. As those who are growing to look like Christ, we get the amazing privilege of being called his servants, his friends, and even his children. Have you considered lately that the saving love of God led to the death of Christ so you could be forgiven and—in a breathtaking display of love—called sons of God?
Every greedy glance at pornography is a missed opportunity to be thankful to the Lord and to others for all the good things in your life.
The Result of Gratitude Is Gladness
Before Dustin finally changed at a deep level he made many attempts to quit looking at porn—all of which ended in frustration and failure. He tried making promises to himself; he tried accountability; he tried bargaining with God. But none of these attempts worked. Every time Dustin would try one of them, sooner or later he would begin to long for pornography again. He knew it was wrong to want porn, but that didn’t seem to matter. His desire to see pornography was so intense that he would stop caring what his wife, friends, or even God thought. Eventually his greedy cravings produced a zealous return to pornography, which in turn would produce the unbearable guilt that followed his indulgence in sin.
There are a number of problems with Dustin’s attempts at change. For starters, he was missing the power available to those who trust in God’s forgiving and transforming grace. In addition, his life was lacking gladness and joy. Dustin’s struggle was a graceless and joyless battle against porn, largely dependent on his own strength. When he wasn’t looking at porn he was unhappy because he wanted to be looking at it, and after he indulged he was unhappy because he had looked at it. The thrill of seeing naked women seemed worth it in the moment, but afterward there was no real happiness as he struggled with his accusing conscience and a constant fear of being caught.
People hooked on porn fail to change
, even when they want to, because they believe nothing besides porn will ever make them happy. Like Dustin, they might know their problem is wrong and believe that God somehow has something better for them. Yet, in the moment, they still choose to view porn out of a belief that the joy of looking is better than the joy of not looking. The battle to be free from porn is the battle to find a deeper joy. There are many strategies to pursue this joy. The most significant one is the focus of the next chapter—to learn to delight in God above all else. But as we have seen, the Bible gives us another significant strategy in the fight to be grateful. Greedy lust undercuts gladness, while gratitude produces it.
Lust robs you of gladness. About the time you start to appreciate something you’ve received, greedy desire begins to look for the next thing. Greedy desire convinces you that you must have that next thing. The promise is that you can’t be happy until you have that next thing, and when you finally possess it, you’ll finally be happy. It’s all a lie. It’s the very nature of lust to pursue whatever it doesn’t have.
Lust guarantees that as soon as you possess the object of your longing, you will get a new greedy desire for something more. This explains why marriage isn’t the cure for lust and masturbation that many singles believe it will be. Once a man has a wife, he starts wanting the next thing that he does not have. This is the vicious cycle of lust. Lust never has what it wants because it never has enough. Lust steals joy by creating an endless state of discontentment in the constant search for that one next thing you don’t have yet. Lust is never happy because lust is never full.
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