Once Broken

  During her first year, Gina learned to say “mama,” like all little kids. But unlike the majority of children, she had no need for the word “dada.”

  April 1981

  At age three, Gina was happy and well-adjusted. Jackie had survived the hardest years of her life. She wanted to put Gina in nursery school a few days a week, thinking it would be good for Gina and she’d be able to pick up more shifts at the restaurant. She sat at the kitchen table going over her finances. The child support and cocktail waitress income barely covered her small rent, food, lights, phone, heat, and car expenses. How could she afford nursery school? She remembered Anna telling her Tony had received a few raises and decided that Gina deserved a raise too.

  She consulted her lawyer who reminded her that in Massachusetts the authority over child support in unwed situations remained in District Courts. He explained, “Essentially, the same person who slaps the hands of traffic violators and other misdemeanor offenders also slaps the hands of unwed fathers. If you receive twenty-five dollars a week, they’d consider you fortunate compared to other cases they see. I recommend that you call Tony yourself and ask for a raise. You’d make out better that way.” Noting the look of dread on Jackie’s face, her lawyer sighed. “Well, you could try the probation officer at the court who’s been handling the case up to now. He may be able to help you.” That option was much more palatable to Jackie.

  The following day, with Gina in tow, Jackie went to the courthouse to see Mr. Manning, the probation officer. Jackie sat beside his gray metal desk and lifted Gina to her lap. He reiterated what she’d been told by the lawyer. “If you could get your case before the Probate and Family Court, it’d be different. Although changes are brewing, it’s not possible now. You should call Mr. Salvucci. He’s been cooperative with this department.”

  Jackie groaned. “He may be cooperative with you, Mr. Manning. But I doubt he’ll cooperate with me.”

  “Isn’t it worth a try?”

  “He’s so unpredictable, but I’ll consider it.” Jackie tried to conceal her dejection. “Come on, honey,” she said, lifting Gina off her lap. They walked across the basement space where the probation officers worked. The only sound was the tapping of Gina’s Stride Rite shoes. Just before they reached the door, Gina bellowed, “Did we sue the bastard, Mama?” Stopping in her tracks, Jackie turned a bright crimson. Laughter erupted. She quickly ushered Gina through the doorway.

  May 1981

  One beautiful May day, when Ashley was three years old and Gina turned two, Jackie and Vic took them to the park in Jackie’s Caprice. From the back seat, Ashley called, “Daddy!”

  Vic turned to answer his daughter. “What, Ashley?”

  “I need a pop,” Ashley demanded.

  “Me too, Daddy,” Gina added.

  Astounded, Jackie adjusted her rearview mirror so that she could see Gina. “Oh honey, Uncle Vic isn’t your daddy. He’s Ashley’s daddy, you silly girl.”

  “Why?”

  “Because an uncle can’t be a daddy too, silly.” Jackie smiled as if it were all a joke and dropped the issue.

  Later that evening, Jackie searched for old pictures of Tony. “Come here honey. I want to show you something.” She sat Gina on her lap. “Honey, this is your daddy. His name is Tony. And because he’s your daddy, he sends you money every week for balloons and other fun things.” Jackie hesitated. How meaningless. Gina’s face reflected the same sentiment.

  July 1981

  Pondering the situation, Jackie raged against the unfairness. She considered calling Tony, but couldn’t imagine words actually coming out of her mouth. She felt safe writing a note, instead.

  Tony,

  Financially, times have been difficult. I hope you’ll consider increasing your child support payment by twenty dollars a week. Even that small amount would be much appreciated. Please consider it and write in response.

  J.

  Tony called a few days later. “Hi Jackie,” he said, his voice upbeat. “Got your note and I wanted to let you know that I called Mr. Manning and increased the child support payment to ninety dollars a week, starting Monday. I hope that helps.”

  It took Jackie a moment to process Tony’s words. “Thank you Tony. That’s more than I asked for.” She considered motives for his generosity.

  “It’s okay. After I read your letter, I thought about what I could afford. Sales are great and I expect it to remain that way. So, twenty-five dollars extra a week is affordable. And hey, it’s for a great cause. I know it’s not a ton of money, but I hope it helps.”

  Still off balance, Jackie was honest. “Well, I don’t know what to say. That’s nice of you. I appreciate it.”

  “Hey, don’t be too nice to me. You’ll ruin my image of myself.”

  Suddenly they were talking. He asked about Gina and she shared some of the cute stories that every parent wants to share. Jackie hung up the phone feeling tenderness for him for the first time since she became pregnant.

  She later explained it to Tara. “It’s like there’s no one else in the world who could see Gina the same way I do, except possibly Tony. That’s the thing that makes single parenthood so lonely. You don’t have that other person who loves your kid as much as you do.”

  Later that evening, while Gina slept soundly and the house was quiet, Jackie put her feelings into a letter.

  Dear Tony,

  Something you said on the phone haunts me. You said, “Don’t be too nice to me. You’ll ruin my image of myself.” What a sad statement. Following are accumulated thoughts and feelings I have about all of us. I want to share them with you, hoping you might gain some peace and acceptance from them.

  When I got pregnant, you made it clear that you didn’t want to be a father. Yet I made the decision to have and keep Gina. My decision cost you money, confusion, and embarrassment, all of which contradicted your image of yourself and your life. At that time, I didn’t care how you felt. But I bet that somewhere inside you, as much as you despised me for having this child, you knew I had that right. Just as I despised you for leaving, though I knew you had that right. If this is indeed how you felt, we had similar feelings from different perspectives.

  I hope you know that I didn’t have Gina to control you or ruin your life. Gina was conceived even though I used birth control, and I have come to believe that she was not a mistake. She was our destiny. She’s an exceptional child in beauty, intelligence, warmth, and sensitivity. This seems to be the general consensus and not simply a biased mother’s viewpoint. So, although I’m raising her without your influence, you still influenced her basic qualities. You should be proud. She’s the most miraculous thing either of us has ever done.

  I’ve come to realize that you’ve suffered scars, though not exactly the same as mine, similar in effect. I hope something in this letter will touch you. I’ve reached a point where I can forgive your absence. Whether or not you need me to, I need to forgive you. It is a huge relief to be able to move forward with my life without carrying the anger I’ve felt for so long now. I hope someday you can forgive me as well, so that you will also be free to move forward without the painful emotional baggage.

  Take this letter for whatever it is worth. If it assists with your healing, as it has in mine, then it has served its purpose. I could tell from our phone conversation that you are curious about Gina. Please know that if you decide to see her, you are free to do so, without hesitation or complication from me.

  Most sincerely,

  J.

  *

  Absolution is such a powerful gift.

  Tony phoned her the following week. “That letter was amazing, Jackie. It said everything I felt that I didn’t even know I felt. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Would you meet me for dinner? We have a lot to talk about. What do you say?”

  *

  Jackie entered the restaurant lobby wearing a royal-blue A-line dress, mid-calf length, complemented by black leather high-heeled boots and a pearl necklace and earrings, each
item courtesy of Tara. Tony was waiting in the lobby. “Jackie, motherhood certainly agrees with you. You look fantastic!” Once seated, he continued, “I imagined you’d come through the door and blow me away with a submachine gun. I’d have deserved that you know.”

  Tony’s demeanor brought her back to the days when she fell in love with him. “Maybe a year ago. But not now.”

  “Well, thanks for coming. After what I’ve done most woman would’ve told me to screw.”

  “What can I say? Curiosity got the best of me.” She shrugged off her own naïveté. Rifling through her purse, she pulled out a white envelope and handed it to Tony as the waitress appeared. “I brought pictures of Gina.”

  He took the envelope. “Thanks! What are you drinking these days, Jackie?”

  Addressing the waitress, she said, “A Black Russian, please?”

  Tony ordered a draft beer, then flipped through the pictures. “Jackie, she’s so beautiful. Not just because she’s mine.” He handed the pictures back to her.

  “No, they’re yours, if you want them.”

  “Great! Bragging pictures of my kid.” He smiled, tucking them in his breast pocket.

  The waitress returned with their drinks and placed them on cocktail napkins before them. Grateful for something to fiddle with, Jackie stirred her drink.

  “Hey, no cigarettes?”

  “Nope. I quit when I was pregnant.”

  “That must’ve been tough, you know, giving up your friends.”

  “It was and it wasn’t. I felt so guilty smoking while I was pregnant and my boss came up with an effective deterrent.” She told him the water rifle story and they enjoyed a hearty laugh.

  “So, what’s new?” Jackie prodded, hoping Tony would confirm that he and Carmella had broken up a few months back, as Anna had said.

  “Jackie, look at me.” His intense blue eyes caught her haunting brown eyes. “Your letter was mind-blowing. It said all the things I wished I could’ve said.” He took the worn, folded letter out of his wallet to show her. “I’ve read it over and over.”

  “I’m glad it helped. It was healing for me as well.”

  “I want you to know that neither you nor Gina left my mind for a moment.”

  Not knowing how to respond, she changed the subject. “So, how’s Carmella?”

  “We broke up about six months ago, for good this time.” He paused, in thought. “That’s another thing I want you to know. You probably thought our relationship was great. Well let me tell you, it was never any good. She’s a psycho! But she was easier to deal with than you.”

  Jackie choked on her drink. Clearing her throat, she said, “She’s a psycho, but easier to deal with than me? Should I be flattered?”

  “That came out wrong. Geez Jackie, you and I were having a baby, and I wasn’t ready to deal with all that. I panicked. Carmella was an easy distraction and we had no real issues.”

  “Marriage isn’t an issue?”

  “Oh yeah, the marriage thing was. But I came to my senses before it was too late.” He shivered with the memory. “She’s nuts, I’m telling you.” He lowered his voice and leaned forward to share a confidence. “For starters, she was married before and, get this, it was annulled for mental illness on her part!”

  “No way! You’re joking.” Jackie gasped, waiting for more.

  “No joke. She’s a nutcase!” Tony leaned back in his chair. “Oh, the things I could tell you. Like, we’d be watching TV, right? And, a commercial comes on. The women in commercials, of course, are gorgeous. Carmella would start freaking out, yelling ‘is that the kind of woman you want?’ She’d have a fit because I happened to be looking in the direction of the TV while some woman was on the screen. Really Jackie, trust me when I say, psy-cho! And, my friends couldn’t stand her either. She’s such a snob.” He shook his head as the memory revived his revulsion. “Anyway, it’s over. Thank God! And, boy did she hate you! She’d ask me all the time if I thought she was prettier than you. She’d ask if she was a better lover than you. Oh, you have no idea.” He shuddered. “She wanted me to hate you as much as she did. I tried like hell, but I could never hate you.”

  Jackie stirred her cocktail. “I tried to hate you, too. Sometimes I thought I did. But most of the time I knew as enraged as you made me, I couldn’t hate you. As a matter of fact, I’ve pretty much decided that I must still love you, ’cause there’s no logical reason why I should be sitting here with you right now.” The shock of her spontaneous admission created silence. Mortified, she stared at her drink.

  “Look at me, Jackie.” As she looked up, Tony stared into her eyes. “I love you too.”

  This is too intense. “What do you mean she hated me? She doesn’t even know me!”

  “Yeah, I know. But remember she only heard my side of the story. And I’ll admit it wasn’t flattering to you. Anyway you ended up being the biggest reason we’d fight. She was obsessed with you.”

  “Great, just what I need, some obsessive lunatic girlfriend of an ex-boyfriend making revenge her goal.” Jackie rolled her eyes.

  “Anyway, Jackie things are different now. I need to know my daughter. I want to make up for everything.”

  Tears filled Jackie’s eyes. Through many lonely nights, she had fantasized hearing those words. Noticing a tear trickle down her cheek, Tony reached for her hand and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Jackie.”

  Jackie’s voice was shaky. “Why don’t you start getting to know Gina by taking us to the farm on Sunday? That’ll take the pressure off both of you. You won’t be sitting around struggling to converse with a three-year-old.”

  “Great, thanks so much Jackie. I won’t let you down this time. I won’t be just any daddy—I want to be the best daddy! Ready for dinner? I’m starving!”

  As each perused the menu, she peeked over hers and caught Tony in the glow of the candlelit centerpiece. She acknowledged how much she had missed him.

  “Tony, seeing you now, it seems as if no time has passed. Yet these past four years have been painful ones. I don’t want to make you feel guilty, but those years are a part of me.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, as she divulged the loneliness she’d experienced since he left.

  “Jackie, I understand everything you’re saying and nothing surprises me. But why are you crying now?”

  She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I think this is the first time since I became pregnant that I’ve allowed myself to truly feel anything.”

  He put down his menu and took her hand in his. “I can’t excuse what I did. I can’t even explain it. It’s like I was a different person. I was scared, angry, and confused. I needed to run.” His voice cracked. “Jackie, I’m so sorry.”

  “I know. Now I need to know what you want from me. I want to understand your intentions. I realize you want to have a relationship with Gina, and that’s great. But what about us?”

  “Jackie, I’ve missed you so much. And I’ve always loved you. But I’m so scared that I’ll end up hurting you again.” He leaned back in the booth and sighed. “If I hurt you again, I swear I’ll kill myself.” Their eyes met. “I don’t understand what goes on between us. But I need another chance with you, if you’re willing.

  They released each other’s hands as the waitress came to take their dinner order. “Tony, whatever you’re ordering, order two. I’ll eat whatever ends up in front of me.”

  “You’re brave, Jackie.”

  Jackie smiled. That’s an understatement, she thought, not referring to the meal.

  “We’ll have two orders of chicken piccata, rice pilaf, and salad with creamy Italian dressing. An order of stuffed mushrooms for an appetizer. One Black Russian and a draft Michelob.”

  He reached for her hand once again. “So where were we?”

  “Talking about second chances.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “If you can believe that. But I have to give it another try if only for Gina’s sake.”

  “Jackie, you’ve made me a happy man.”

 
The two left the restaurant with arms linked. “You know what amazes me about you the most?” Tony asked.

  “Can’t say that I do.”

  “That you never asked me to marry you.”

  “Really? Why would I want someone to marry me out of need or desperation? What’s the point? You didn’t want to be there. Begging’s not my style.”

  Tony walked her to her car and before she knew it, he swept her into his arms. He pressed firmly against her body and they kissed in the cold night air.

  “Do you think you can handle the two of us?” Jackie asked.

  “I’m gonna try like hell.”

  A final kiss and they said good night. “Be careful going home,” Tony said before he shut her car door. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow to finalize details for Sunday.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  August 1981

  “Gina honey, guess what?”

  “What Mama?”

  “I have a wonderful surprise for you. Remember I told you about Tony Salvucci?” Jackie sat down on the carpet with her daughter and handed her a piece for the puzzle she was working on. “He wants to take you to the farm on Sunday. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

  “Okay, Mama. You comin’ wif us?” Gina asked, struggling to connect the puzzle piece.

  “Oh yes! Me, you, and Tony. I think you’ll like him. And we’ll see horses, cows, and pigs! Won’t that be fun?”

  “Yep,” Gina replied, as if to appease her mother.

  *

  Sunday was warm and sunny, perfect for the day’s outing. Tony rang the doorbell and in response heard the clapping of little shoes running down the hall. Through the locked screen door, he caught the first glimpse of his three-year-old daughter charging down the hall in a second-hand navy-blue Polly Flinders dress, her loose dark brown curls bouncing with each step. She looked at him with steel-blue eyes that matched his. “Hi,” she said. Running back down the hall, she yelled, “Mama, Tuny’s here!”