Once Broken

  Opposite Johnny in the coffee shop booth, Tony sat mortified.

  “Tony, you look like shit. Are you alright? What the heck happened out there?”

  “Johnny, I can’t explain it. It’s not so much what we said. It’s more than that. Oh God. I’ve made terrible mistakes.”

  “Can we get some water over here?” Johnny called to the waitress.

  Tony stared out the window. “You do divorces, don’t you?”

  “This morning you were ready to strip Jackie of every cent you pay. Now, you want to divorce your wife?”

  “I can’t explain it. I have to go. I have a lot of thinking to do. But please don’t call Carmella with this information. If she calls you, tell her she needs to talk to me.”

  Tony drove to his parents’ house.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  October 1994

  Louie and Anna were playing backgammon in the three-season porch when Tony came in. His wind-blown hair and pale face made Anna gasp. She pulled out a seat for her son. “What’s wrong, Tony? Sit! Louie, look at him!”

  Tony sat in the chair. “Can I stay here for a while?”

  “Of course you can, son. But, what’s wrong?”

  “Everything’s wrong.”

  “What happened, son?”

  “Dad, where do I start? I’m married to Carmella who’s absolutely crazy. She’s obsessed with Jackie and pits us against each other. And then there’s Jackie. Oh God. Jackie. What a fucking mess.”

  “Slow down, son.” Louie retrieved a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen. “This will help you.” He poured a shot for his son and lit a cigarette for himself.

  “It’s like I’m seeing clearly for the first time in my life. Like I just woke up. Jesus. Where the hell have I been?” Tony did the shot. His father poured another. “I can’t go home to Carmella. At least not now. I’ve got some serious thinking to do and that can’t be done around my maniacal wife.”

  “Tony, Carmella will know where to find you.” Worry creased Anna’s forehead.

  “When she calls, please put her off. Although I have no suggestions for how you might accomplish that. But I need to be alone now. Please.”

  “Fine son, we’ll handle it,” Louie said.

  Tony took the whiskey into the den and shut the French doors behind him.

  Anna and Louie stared at each other. “What could’ve happened at that courthouse today?” Anna asked. “He hasn’t been happy in his marriage, but he seemed to be coping. Now he’s not going home.”

  *

  By five, a frantic Carmella called the Salvuccis. Anna barely completed her cheerful hello when her daughter-in-law interrupted. “Put Tony on the phone.”

  “Oh dear, he’s helping Louie in the basement. I’ll have him call you when he’s free.”

  “Get him on the phone now.”

  “I’m sorry, dear. He’s unavailable.”

  “Unavailable? I’m his damn wife. Get him now!”

  “I’ll have him call you as soon as he can, dear,” she repeated, and hung up the phone.

  Louie took a drag of his cigarette, and smiled at his wife’s gentle strength. “Good job. But how long do you think that’s good for? She’ll be busting down the door as soon as she can rev up that broom of hers.”

  No sooner had their chuckles subsided than the phone rang again. Louie answered.

  “Put my husband on the phone, Louie.”

  “Carmella, he’s in the bathroom. I’ll have him call you as soon as he can.”

  Tony entered the room. Anna whispered, “It’s Carmella.”

  Realizing the impossible situation in which he had put his parents, Tony took the phone. “Hi.”

  “Hi? What the hell are you doing over there? I called Johnny and he wouldn’t tell me anything. He said you’d explain. But you never came home. I’ve waited all afternoon to hear what the hell happened with that bitch today.”

  “Enough Carmella!”

  She was shocked by Tony’s command but softened her tone while her anger festered. “What’s wrong, sweetie? Are you okay?

  “No Carmella. I’m not okay.”

  “I’m coming over right now to make you feel better.

  “No! Don’t. And I’m not coming home tonight.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m not ready to discuss it. I need to stay here for now. I need time to think.”

  “When will you come home, sweetie?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What happened? What did that … Jackie do to you?” She gagged on her own forced sweetness.

  “I need time, Carmella.” Exhausted, he handed the phone to his mother. “Ma, say something will ya?” He retreated back to the den and closed the French doors. Sitting in the glow of the blazing fire, he could hear the sound of his beating heart and screeching conscience.

  “Carmella, it’s Anna. I think it’s best for you to leave well enough alone for tonight. Tony had a … hard day. He needs some time alone.”

  “I demand to know what happened!”

  “We don’t know, dear. Believe me, I’ve never seen him so distraught. He needs time; please honor that.”

  “Please nothing! You stay out of our marriage or you’ll be sorry, Anna! I’ll be right over.”

  Anna told Louie, “She’s revving up her broom.”

  *

  Carmella stormed into the Salvuccis’ house. “Where’s my husband?”

  “Have a seat, Carmella,” Louie gestured toward the couch.

  “I’m not sitting!” Her eyes blazed with fury. “Where’s my husband?”

  Tony came out of the den, disheveled and ragged. Grabbing his jacket, he took Carmella’s hand and led her out to the driveway. “Carmella, listen. I’m tired. I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to keep fighting with you or anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Please give me time to get my head together.” He rubbed his forehead trying to soothe the ache.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  Tony leaned against his car and rubbed his face with both hands. “Jackie and I talked after court today. I won’t continue pounding Jackie with this vendetta of yours. Ever since we met you’ve tried to make me hate her. But I can’t. I tried. It would be easier if I could. At times, I thought I did. But today I realized I can never hate her. Today Jackie pointed out that ever since we got married, things have gotten worse for her. She’s right and I promised her it would stop.” He stared at her. “Carmella, no matter what, it will stop.”

  “How can you talk so nicely about a woman who trapped you?” Carmella, gently massaging her husband’s shoulders. “I hate her because you do, or you should.”

  Tony shook her hands off him. “Jackie didn’t trick me or trap me. I loved her. She was basically living at my apartment. Jackie got pregnant because women get pregnant. She was on the pill. Who knows why it didn’t work. And she raised my kid alone because I’m a fucking asshole. That’s what happened with me and Jackie. I never should have lied to you.”

  “The only lies you told me are the ones you’re telling now. God, you’re a wimp! What did she do? Strut into the courtroom dressed like a whore?”

  “Carmella, that’s enough!” Listen to me. She didn’t do anything. Today the truth hit me between the eyes.” He heaved and exhaled slowly.

  “Stop it!” Carmella blocked her ears with the palm of her hands.

  He retreated. Taking her hands from her ears, he spoke in a calm and decisive voice. “Carmella, the past doesn’t matter. Today I promised Jackie I won’t drag her into court anymore. And it’s a promise I’ll keep.”

  “You’re my husband. You don’t owe her any promises. You owe me promises. Fuck her! I’m not taking this shit!”

  “Well, don’t take it. I expected another tantrum and that’s why I’m at my parents’ house. Frankly it doesn’t matter. I’m staying here at least until you calm down. And I’m keeping my promise to Jackie. Whether it gets in the way of our marriage is entire
ly up to you. All I know is I’m done with the madness. My head’s pounding and I need sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He headed for the house.

  Carmella watched her husband walk away. “Fuck you! You can’t do this! Fuck you!” He shut and locked the door. Screeching tires disrupted the upscale neighborhood’s usual peacefulness.

  *

  Jackie craved solitude. Who would understand something she couldn’t understand? After so much time, so much anger, and years of disgust, somewhere in her heart was a soft spot for Tony that would never harden. She remembered the special times they shared. She fantasized having dinner with him, for old time’s sake. How this can be? How can one person feel such contradictory feelings for another person?

  Tony pondered the same questions on the other side of town.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  October 1994

  Carmella fell onto their king-size bed and bawled herself to sleep. In the morning, she fumed and schemed. She realized how rare it was for Tony to assert himself, so she reconciled that this time she’d have to play by his rules. I’m not losing him to Jackie now! Damn that Jackie Martin!

  *

  On the third night, Carmella practiced her conciliatory tone of voice while she sipped her fourth glass of wine. Once her rage was camouflaged, she phoned him.

  “Hi honey, it’s me. Listen, before you say anything. I’ve been doing some thinking in this lonely apartment. And, you’re right. We spend too much time talking and worrying about Jackie, and not enough time thinking about us and our marriage. I agree that this needs to stop. I miss you. Will you please come home to me?”

  “That’s nice Carmella, but I’m not ready.” Tony was relieved by his wife’s composure.

  “Please come home, baby. I need you. We’ll start over.”

  “Maybe tomorrow.”

  “Oh baby, I need you tonight. I need you to make love to me.”

  “Tomorrow, Carmella.”

  “Okay honey, I understand. All that matters is that you feel better. Please know that I love you with all my heart.”

  *

  Tony lit the fire in the den and contemplated his horrendous situation. I know Carmella loves me. She takes good care of me. He paced before the patio door, the crackling fire resounding in the room. Even if Jackie came back to me, and that’s an enormous if, I could never be as strong as she is. Nor can I admit that I’m not. I love her, even after all these years. She thrills me. She scares me. And Gina, how can I possibly make up for all those years of abandonment? He sighed and stared at the meticulously landscaped backyard with its budding signs of spring. If I know all this, why do I feel this overwhelming compulsion to go to Jackie and pretend our past doesn’t exist? He shook off his reflection as if the spell had been broken. Jackie is too far in the past. And I’ve missed nearly all of Gina’s sixteen years. Carmella is crazy for sure, but I can handle her. I’ll set new rules. He shook his head. I’m married to Carmella. For the first time in my life, I’m going to live up to a commitment I’ve made. There’s no turning back.

  The following morning Tony returned to Carmella. They sat across from each other at the kitchenette table and Tony set new rules. “Carmella, I’m back because I married you. However, there are three conditions you must accept. First, there’ll be no more legal actions. I’ll deal with any support issues directly with Jackie. Jackie and I will cooperate with each other with Gina’s best interest at heart without any interference from you. Second, there’ll be no more referring to Jackie as “that bitch” or to Gina as “that tramp’s kid” or any other derogatory term. You’ll show respect for them. Third, if you throw one more plate or other household item, whether or not it’s headed in my direction, I’m out of here. Do we understand each other?”

  “Whatever you want, sweetie. I’ll do anything. I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you so much.”

  With new ground rules set, the couple consummated their reconciliation.

  May 1995

  Jackie and Margie met for cocktails after work and discussed Gina’s impending high school graduation. “It’s strange,” Jackie said. “Suddenly this one event—graduation—changes everything. Next year this beautiful person who’s been the center of my life for eighteen years won’t be there every day. I won’t have to wait for her to get home before I lock up the house. I won’t have to wonder if she set her alarm and got up on time in the morning. I know she’ll come home, but it’ll be a visit. That’s not the same. On the other hand, I’m so proud. I’ve taken this beautiful bird as far as I can and now it’s time for her to fly.”

  “I know. Laura’s a junior this year. I’m dreading it already. Where’s Gina going to college?”

  “Bentley. It’s close, so we’ll see each other a lot. But she’s living there. And she’ll have her own life, become independent. I know it’s good for her.

  “Sure, but as a mom, I get it. So, how was the prom?”

  “You saw the pictures right? She was so beautiful and had loads of fun. She went with this guy Brad, her friend’s cousin. They had a few dates before the prom. He’s super smart and handsome, if you ask me. But she says he’s too full of himself. She couldn’t stand him.” Jackie smiled. “She had committed to go to the prom with him, so she went. I thought she’d have a miserable time. But apparently she had a great time. Brad called her a few days later, wanting to know where their relationship was going. She said, get this, ‘it went to the prom and that’s where it’s staying.’” The women laughed.

  “She’s always been pretty funny.”

  Jackie sipped her wine. “I love that girl. Don’t know what I’d do without her.”

  September 1997

  Two years passed. Tony kept his commitment to Carmella. Yet, despite his attempt to revive their marriage, Tony resented Carmella with his entire being and blamed her as the catalyst for his abandonment of Gina. He became sickened by the sight of his wife. In her reflection, he saw only his shame. His frustration was exasperated by his mother’s updates on Jackie and Gina. He wished and prayed that Jackie would need something from him. He fantasized that he would call her and what they would say to each other. But Jackie needed nothing. In his early 40s, Tony had a lifetime of regrets.

  October 1998

  With Gina in her third year of college, Jackie was amazed by their relationship. Gina was her best friend, her daughter, and sometimes even her mother, all rolled into one beautiful person. Jackie was so proud of the life Gina was building for herself and the choices she was making. She had a wonderful group of grade school and college friends. She’d dated a few guys, but fell in love with John Baker. John, two years her senior, was a tall, blond, blue-eyed Irishman who adored her in return. The couple met at college when Gina was a freshman. The attraction was immediate and they were an item since that day.

  Jackie was enjoying her own independence. She had her work, close friends, exercise classes, a book club, and a social circle of single women who organized weekend trips and other events. She was content. She had not spoken to Tony since the modification hearing. When he came up in conversation, she’d briefly wonder how he managed to live with his life choices. But the time and space between them made it feel like another lifetime.

  April 2000

  By their seventh year of marriage, Carmella’s insatiable craving for love and security remained unsatisfied. Tony’s distance infuriated her. Her seductive wiles no longer worked their magic. Being childless intensified her anger and instability. She had hoped a child would provide the means necessary to bury Gina and Jackie in Tony’s past. Instead, she saw them daily in the reflection of Tony’s eyes. She knew that if she unleashed her blazing fury and obsessive hatred of Jackie, she’d further alienate her husband or lose him, but her repressed rage sent her further into her own insanity. She dreamed of beating Jackie or torturing her, and sometimes strangling her. In her waking hours, she calculated ways to kill Jackie without anyone knowing who did it.

  *

  One Friday night,
Jackie came home from work and spotted a long-stemmed black rose on her doorstep. She was reminded of a client with three kids she recently helped get into a women’s shelter. She recalled the face of the abusive husband and how the darkness in his eyes had sent shivers down her spine. She shuddered. It can’t be. She shook it off. Gina was home for the weekend and she couldn’t wait to see her.

  “Hey, honey. I’m home! What’s cooking?”

  “Swordfish. It was on sale.” Gina was on the deck.

  “Sounds great and smells even better. I’m gonna change. Pour us some wine, will ya?”

  “I’m way ahead of you, Mom.” Gina took a sip of her wine before she flipped the fish.

  Jackie ran downstairs wearing sweats.

  “You had another hang up, Mom. You’ve been getting a lot of them lately, huh?”

  “Yeah, three just last night. It’s been going on a few months, off and on.”

  Gina frowned. “Should we be worried?”

  “Nah, I don’t think so.

  Later, at the table, Gina became serious. “I don’t know, Mom, some of your clients’ husbands are wackos!”

  “I thought of that myself. Where’s my wine? This conversation’s giving me the heebie-geebies.” Jackie took the glass of wine from Gina.

  “Mom, you should report this to the police.”

  “Maybe.” Jackie thought about it. “I’ve been getting the creeps lately. Tonight I found another long-stemmed black rose on the front steps.”

  “Another? What do you mean, another?”

  “Oh, I didn’t tell you? There was one a few weeks ago.”

  “That’s bizarre. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that.”

  “Well, I must’ve been distracted by something else.”

  “What the heck does a long-stemmed black rose look like?”

  “Like a red one, but black. I’ll get the one from tonight. I threw it in the trash.”

  “I’m going with you.” Gina scuttled behind her mother hooking her hand into her arm. “I’m completely spooked.”

  *