Once Broken

  “Why are you so interested in your granddaughter when you didn’t give a crap about your own daughter?”

  Tony remained fixated upon the new arrival before him. “I could never make you understand.”

  “You’re damned right about that. We’re completely different animals, you and I. I could never look at my newborn daughter, so tiny and helpless, and turn my back on her for the next twenty-nine years. I can’t imagine how anyone abandons his own kid.” John stared at his daughter and shook his head. “I couldn’t live my life if I were missing out on Charlotte’s.”

  “Charlotte,” Tony echoed. “Cute name for a cute kid.” He looked John in the eye. “John, what can I say? You’re a wiser man than I am. At this point in my life, I don’t know how I walked out on Gina either. But I did. I don’t expect anyone to understand. All I can say is that I was a coward and perhaps I still am. Poor defense, huh?” Tony patted John’s back. “Hey, you’ve got a beautiful kid there. Congratulations.” He walked away, shoulders slumped.

  Lucille, Paul, Vic and Karen were leaving as John entered Gina’s room. Flower arrangements filled every inch of counter space. John bent to kiss Lucille. “Congratulations, Great-Grandma.”

  Lucille beamed her dazzling smile and took John’s face in both her hands. “Congratulations to you. What a beautiful little family you have.”

  John shook hands with Vic and Paul.

  “Hey we gotta run. Come on, Ma.” Paul helped his mother from her chair. “Congratulations to both of you. Charlotte’s gorgeous.”

  After Paul and Lucille left the room, John took a seat beside his wife’s bed. “Guess what?”

  “You love me.” Gina closed the Parents magazine she was about to browse.

  “Well, that’s a given.” He took her hand. “I just saw Tony at the nursery viewing Charlotte.”

  Gina winced. “You’re putting me on, right?”

  “Nope. I talked to him about being a father.”

  “Must have been a short conversation.”

  Jackie burst into the room with balloons and a full-size stuffed Elmo. “Hi honey. Hi John. I saw Lucille and Paul …” She stopped and looked from one to the other. Am I interrupting something?” She leaned over to give her daughter a kiss and handed her a bag. “Jolly Ranchers for you.”

  “I was telling Gina that I saw Tony at the nursery a few minutes ago.

  “Tony?”

  “Yup. He’s one hurting bastard. It’s kind of pathetic. I almost didn’t recognize him. He looks ten years older than when I saw him at Louie’s wake.”

  “Not you too,” Gina moaned. “What is it with you people? He abandoned us for Chrissake. Mom, don’t you remember the shit he put you through? That bastard. I remember every Christmas and birthday that passed without so much as a card from that asshole who lived on the other side of town. I remember when I was in grammar school, making those Father’s Day gifts and pretending I had a father to give them to. You two fools can be all melancholy. But as far as I’m concerned, he can rot in hell.”

  “Gina, honey, don’t get so upset. You’re trembling. Of course I remember. But it seems like a lifetime ago.” Jackie was surprised to realize how bad she felt for Tony. “Honey, I haven’t forgotten. But I’ve forgiven him. He screwed up, big time. No doubt. But does he have to pay for it for the rest of his life? I believe in absolution. I always thought that if Tony regretted his abandonment, I’d enjoy his suffering. I was wrong. This is depressing.”

  August 2007

  Charlotte Jacqueline Baker came home from the hospital on August 3. The new little family was ecstatic. Jackie picked up their mail on the way in. “Gina, there’s lots of cards and letters here.” She entered the living room, handing the stack to her daughter.

  While John unpacked the car, Jackie took the baby to the nursery leaving Gina to scan the mail. When she returned, Gina was crying on the sofa. “Oh, what’s wrong,” Jackie asked, taking a seat beside her. Gina handed her mother a letter and rested her head on her shoulder.

  Dearest Gina,

  Charlotte is gorgeous. Congratulations! I hope you were not offended further by my appearance at the hospital. I couldn’t help myself.

  I’ve spent a lot of time over the past years examining the choices I’ve made in my life. Carmella’s attack woke me up. My father’s death stunned me. And my mother’s decline has been heart-wrenching. Now, I feel abandoned. In that feeling I think of you. You are familiar with abandonment, a feeling I inflicted upon you. For that, I’m so sorry. I was a foolish young man.

  I cannot explain away my actions. I can only admit that I was wrong. At first, when you were born, anger drove me away. I can’t imagine my logic now, when I look at your beautiful, innocent little girl. Nonetheless, I was angry with your mother over things that had nothing to do with you and in hindsight, had little to do with her. Through your early years, I was poisoned by senseless resentment. Out of my need to control, I left you both not once, but twice.

  I will always admire your mother for the wonder of you. Watching you at my father’s wake and funeral and meeting the impressive man you chose to marry, I see you have grown into a remarkable young woman for whom I can take no credit, much to my own chagrin.

  I’m becoming a lonely old man, which is most likely the fate you believe I deserve. For many years now, I have carried so much remorse in my heart. I’ve regretted since you were ten that I didn’t claim you in my life. But I feared that too much time had gone by and too much damage had been done. As time passed, the ache in my heart never diminished and more damage was inevitably done.

  Now I’m a grandfather, if only biologically. It would be pompous of me to think that I can make this request and you will open your life to me. But it would be more foolish of me not to make the request. I cannot let any more time slip by. There is so much of your life in front of you, Gina, and the entire life of my granddaughter. I know I can never make up the time we’ve lost. But I’m hoping that I can share in Charlotte’s life and in your future. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

  With deepest sincerity and love,

  Tony

  Removing her reading glasses, Jackie put the letter on the coffee table and sighed. “Tony always had a way with words when he wanted to.”

  Gina sniffled. “Mom, what should I do?”

  “Oh Gina, I can’t tell you what to do. But that was a well-written, poignant letter. And I’m grateful he wrote it, no matter what you decide to do.”

  “Do you love him?” Gina asked.

  “Now?”

  “Yeah, do you still love him now?” Gina wiped her tears.

  “I haven’t seen him in years. Sometimes I wonder if I ever loved him. Then, every so often, like now, I realize maybe I have always had a soft spot for him, as you’ve said.” She brushed her daughter’s cropped hair. “Your hair looks so cute cut short; have I told you that?”

  “Mom, stay on topic. You talk about me being scattered. Geesh, we’re talking about important things here. Do you think this letter’s sincere?”

  “Well, how could anyone write a letter like that without having the feelings to pour into it? But Tony is a salesman and knows how to say all the right words to get what he wants. On the other hand, I believe he may have legitimately changed. Aging and loneliness can do incredible things to a person. He may realize how badly he screwed up with you and honestly regret it. It seems that way.”

  “What I should do?”

  “Gina, it’s your decision to make. You need to ask yourself if you want to know your father.”

  “I don’t need him.”

  “I didn’t ask you if you need him. I asked you if you want to know him.”

  “I always thought I knew enough. I learned a lot about him years ago at Nana and Louie’s house. He was such a jerk.”

  “No argument. But that was years ago. When people get older and their parents die, they can change a lot. It’s a lonely world when your parents are
gone. No matter what age you are, you feel like an orphan. And, the older you are, the stranger it feels because you can’t go around telling people you feel like an orphan when you’re fifty years old. It’s possible that the loneliness Tony feels brought about changes.”

  “What should I do, John?” Gina turned to her husband who had finished reading the letter.

  “Hey, I’m with Jackie on this one. I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no doubt the guy’s a damned idiot for abandoning his own kid. But I can’t say that he should be doomed to suffer forever. But then again, he didn’t abandon me. Hon, I’ll support whatever you decide. I can’t help you make the decision.”

  *

  Gina re-read the letter several times over the next few weeks. One afternoon while she and Jackie were having tea, she announced, “Mom, I wrote back to Tony.”

  “You did?” Jackie squeezed her tea bag, resting it on a spoon.

  “Yup. Want to read it?” She handed a copy to her mother.

  Wiping her hands on a napkin, Jackie took the note from her daughter.

  Dear Tony,

  As you asked, I’ve given your letter a lot of consideration. I’m sorry for whatever pain you feel. But frankly, I don’t trust your new-found desire to be a family man. I believe we’ve been through this before. I was young, but it was a memorable experience.

  The only way to know if you’re sincere is to trust you. And that’s what I can’t seem to do. My life is happy. I have a loving husband and we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter. My mother is my forever strength. I have wonderful friends. I don’t need any complications that would dredge up a painful past.

  I’m truly sorry Tony that you realized this now, when it is way too late.

  Sincerely,

  Gina

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  October 2007

  A few months later, when Jackie got home from work. Putting her laptop and purse down, she noticed the light flashing on her land line. Taking the handset, she sat on the couch to check her messages.

  “Hi Jackie, it’s Tony. I got your phone number from my mother’s address book. I hope you don’t mind. I don’t know what to say except that I need to speak with you. Please return my call. My cell is 781-555-3432.”

  Jackie’s heart sank. Is Anna okay? Curious, she returned his call.

  “Tony, it’s Jackie.”

  “Jackie, thanks so much for returning my call.” His heart warmed at the sound of her voice. “How are you?”

  “I’m well,” Jackie replied, getting off the couch and heading for the kitchen.

  “I’m glad.”

  “So Tony, what’s up?” Resting the phone between her shoulder and ear, she grabbed an Annie’s entrée from the freezer.

  “I wrote to Gina. I’m sure you heard?”

  “I did.”

  “She wrote back.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  “Jackie for the first time in my life, when it comes to Gina, and now Charlotte, I cannot take no for an answer. I just can’t. For so long now, I’ve regretted abandoning Gina. But I didn’t know how to fix it, so I ignored it, stuck in my own inertia. But seeing Charlotte, something inside me changed. I know I’ve made so many irreparable mistakes with Gina. But with Charlotte, it can be a brand-new start.”

  “Listen Tony, I’m sorry. I’m truly am—”

  “Jackie, please hear me out. I don’t want your pity. I need a favor. I know it’s a lot to ask. But could you please bring Charlotte to meet me somewhere? I need to see her and hold her. Ironically, I guess I’m asking you to do what you did for my mother and Gina. Please Jackie, please.” His voice trembled.

  “Oh Tony, Gina would never speak to me again.”

  “Jackie, I know, it’s a huge favor. I know I’m putting you in the middle. But you and Gina are way too close for her never to speak to you again. Please Jackie, I’m begging you.”

  She sighed. “I don’t know why I’m agreeing to this, but okay. How about next Saturday? Meet me at the Cove. Gina’s going shopping so I get quality time with the baby. We’ll go to the park and we’ll happen to run into you. Let’s say eleven thirty?”

  “That’s great. Thank you, Jackie. I’m indebted to you.”

  *

  Tony sat on the park bench, scanning the park for the sight of Jackie pushing a baby carriage, imagining how she’d look these days. She came up behind him. “Tony?”

  “Jackie!” Startled, he turned and rose from the bench. “It’s so nice to see you.” His heart skipped a beat. She was radiant in her burgundy cashmere coat. He reached to hug her. Peeking inside the baby carriage, his sleeping granddaughter was snuggled under a pink-and-white quilt. “She’s so tiny and so beautiful, like her mom and grandma.” He looked at Jackie and back again at the baby. “Will she wake up while we’re here?” he asked, motioning for her to join him on the bench.

  “Oh, she will. Probably soon and she’ll need a bottle.” She parked the carriage and sat beside him.

  “Good. I’d like to feed her, if that’s okay.”

  “Sure.”

  “Jackie, red has always been your color. And being a grandma agrees with you.”

  “I love being a grandma! It’s all the fun with little responsibility.” She hesitated. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

  “Hey Jackie, that’s the reality. It’s your life. You don’t have to pretend for me. I screwed up and I’m paying the price.” His voice was solemn. He leaned over the carriage as Charlotte stirred and opened her eyes. “She’s waking up.”

  Jackie checked her granddaughter and picked her up. Handing her to Tony, she asked, “Ready?”

  “Absolutely,” Tony responded, taking his granddaughter in his arms. Observing his gentleness as he held and rocked the baby, Jackie was emotionally overwhelmed. She remembered the first time he saw Gina when she was Charlotte’s age. It was hard to believe that rigid young man was the same as this affectionate older man. Jackie handed Tony Charlotte’s bottle and sat quietly on the park bench observing him feeding her.

  Jackie broke the silence. “Whatever happened to your parents’ house? Did you sell it?”

  “No, I moved back to take care of my mother. When she moved to the nursing home, I stayed. Me and Bailey, my best friend. He’s a seven-year-old yellow lab.”

  “Oh, I love dogs, particularly labs. And it’s nice that you kept the house. What about Luke and Rosa, are they still together? Did they have kids?”

  He held Charlotte on his shoulder to burp her. “Yup, still together with two kids. Of course, the kids are in their late twenties now. Pat and his wife had two as well. It was tough watching my friends become dads and seeing their relationships grow with their kids.”

  “You’re doing well at feeding her. Do you have experience?”

  “No. I’m just following her lead. I’m glad it’s okay.”

  “Yup, it’s good. You can’t still have Moonlight?”

  “Oh no. I do still have a boat, but it’s been upgraded.”

  “That boat was awesome.”

  “We had some great times on that boat.”

  “We sure did.” Memories came rushing back.

  “Do you still play ping-pong?”

  “Oh I haven’t played in years, maybe not since we played at your parents’ house.” She smiled. “Vic got rid of his table years ago. And of course, between raising Gina, going to law school, and working, I didn’t have time. I love that game though. What about you?”

  “That same ol’ ping-pong table’s still in our basement. But I never play.”

  Jackie smiled, remembering their championship matches. “That was so much fun.”

  Charlotte’s grandparents sat for a few minutes in quiet silence, each recalling the warm memories of the days they were in love. But Jackie also remembered the days she took Gina to this same park when she was little, when she’d watch dads pushing their kids on swings and wonder why her kid got gypped. Overwhelmed by memories and feelings, Jackie a
sked, “Want to go for a walk?”

  “Sure. Can I wheel? I’ve never wheeled a baby carriage in my life.”

  She secured Charlotte in the carriage. “Sure, there’s nothing to it,” she added with a soft chuckle.

  As they began their stroll down the path, Tony asked, “Remember the weekend in Maine? We walked for hours around Short Sands and up over the cliffs.”

  “I haven’t thought about that for years.” She sighed. “That was an amazing weekend. We had some great times.”

  “We sure did.”

  They walked for more than an hour until Jackie realized it was nearing four. “Oh geez, I’ve got to get Charlotte home. Gina will wonder where we’ve been. And what’ll I tell her? Walking down memory lane with Tony?”

  “That probably wouldn’t go over well.” They picked up the pace. “I’ll walk you two to your car.”

  At Jackie’s car, Tony took her hands and looked into her eyes. “This was so nice, Jackie. Thank you. Time flies when I’m with you, it always has.”

  Jackie completely understood. “It was nice, Tony. We’ll do it again.”

  *

  “What did you and Gramma do this afternoon? Did you have fun?” Gina asked her daughter while smothering her in kisses. She turned to her mother. “What did you two do, Mom? You were gone a while.”

  “Oh we went to the Cove.” Jackie was unpacking the baby’s bag.

  “Wow, you were there all afternoon?” Handing Charlotte to her mother, Gina said, “Hold her for a sec, will ya?”

  “Sure. Yup, all afternoon.” She whispered to Charlotte, “We can’t tell your Mommy who you met today.”

  “Did you say something, Mom,” Gina yelled, pulling a pan off a hook over the stove to start pierogis for dinner.

  “Oh no. Just talking to this bundle of joy.”

  Gina put two glasses of iced tea on the island. “Mom, thanks so much for taking Charlotte today. I’d never have found a dress for John’s sister’s wedding if I had to take her with me. Seriously, you spent all afternoon at the park? When you took me there, we didn’t stay longer than an hour. And I was old enough to swing. What the heck did you do?”