by Karen Booth
Fourteen
Hospitals. One step inside and Anna was reminded of her dad—the months he spent fighting, in and out of the cancer ward, receiving treatments that they’d pinned so much hope on, only to ultimately lose. She wasn’t sure she could deal with another loss like that, and she was already so attached to the idea of the baby.
“We’re going up to the sixth floor.” Anna pointed to the bank of elevator doors straight ahead. When the doctors realized who Anna was and the serious straits she was in from the beginning, they’d moved her first prenatal appointment to the specialist’s office at the hospital. They wanted her to see a physician well-acquainted with high-risk pregnancies. Having that extra care was a comfort, but she really wished she didn’t need it at all.
Jacob held the elevator door for her, being as gentlemanly as could be. She shoved her hands into her coat pockets. How she would’ve loved to be able to take his hand, squeeze it, have a true partner in all of this. But she didn’t. He was the obligated dad. It had taken the pregnancy announcement to bring him back into her life. She hadn’t heard a word from him after they broke up. Of the many things she had to get past, that now felt like the most difficult.
They reached their floor and stepped out into a quiet hall. There were several clinics along the corridor, theirs a few doors down. A woman at the reception desk welcomed them and had them take a seat.
A man across from them opened a breakfast sandwich of some sort, even when there was a very clear sign inches from his head saying there was no food or drink allowed. Anna loved eggs and bacon, but this morning the smell made her want to hide her head in a trash basket. Why wasn’t the receptionist doing something about it? She was just sitting there, shuffling paper.
Anna turned into Jacob’s arm, pressing her cheek and nose to the black wool of his coat, closing her eyes and drawing in one of the few scents she found appealing—woodsy and warm and surprisingly calming.
“You okay?” he asked, lowering his head to hers. When she looked up, their noses were inches apart.
She was caught in the fierce intensity of his dark eyes, which left her lips quivering. She would’ve done anything to be where they were weeks ago. Why did she have to have such strong feelings for him? Things would be so much easier if she didn’t still want him. “It’s the smell of his sandwich,” she whispered.
Jacob stood and took Anna’s hand, urging her to join him. “Come on.” He marched over to the receptionist’s desk. “Yes, excuse me. My wife is feeling a little queasy. I think she would feel more comfortable if we could be alone back in the examination room, if that’s all right.”
“Your wife?” Anna mumbled under her breath.
“The nurse will be out any moment now. It won’t be much longer,” the woman said.
“It’s okay,” Anna whispered. “You don’t need to make a fuss.”
“She’s uncomfortable. You need to help me fix that.” He cleared his throat.
The receptionist glared at him. “As I said, sir. One more moment.”
He grasped Anna’s hand. “I understand, but it’s literally killing me to watch my pregnant wife suffer. So if you could please find us a place to get settled, that would be wonderful.”
“Fine, Mr., uh...” She reached for a folder. “Mr. Langford.”
Anna prepared for him to explode, but Jacob took it in stride.
“I’m Mr. Lin. She’s Ms. Langford.”
“Oh, yes. Of course.” She picked up the phone. “Two seconds.”
A nurse quickly emerged from the door next to reception and brought them back to a private room. “The doctor will want to speak to you and then do the pelvic exam. You can change into the gown after I take your vital signs.” She took Anna’s blood pressure and temperature, as well as her weight, then left them alone.
“You really didn’t have to make a fuss about it, and I appreciate it, but please don’t call me your wife,” Anna said. There were enough gray areas. They didn’t need more.
“Would you have preferred I identify you as the woman I impregnated? And don’t forget it’s my job to take care of you.” Jacob unbuttoned his coat and put it on the hook, then took hers from her.
“It’s your job to help me with the baby, when and if the time arrives.”
“You are the vessel carrying the baby, and I don’t like seeing you suffer, anyway. It’s physically painful for me.”
Remarks like that made her wonder if she’d made a mistake by telling him. The baby was not supposed to be a way back in for him, at least not into her heart. She had to protect herself from him as much as she could, however much they were already tied for a lifetime now. Even if the baby never arrived, it would be impossible to escape the fact that they had once shared this. And it would make it unthinkable to ever forget him.
She caught sight of the examination gown. “I need to change. So you need to step out into the hall.”
“Anna. I’ve seen every inch of you. I could probably tell the doctor a few things. Don’t worry. I won’t stare.” He sat down, pulling his phone out of his pocket, quickly reading something, and turning it facedown on his leg. “Too much.”
“Uh, no. Close your eyes right now.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
“Fine.” He twisted his lips and did as he was asked.
She shucked her clothes and put on the gown in record time, then climbed up on to the exam table, covering her bare legs with the paper drape they had provided. “You can open your eyes now.”
He crossed his legs and gave her a look that was far too familiar. “Next time, I’m looking.”
“Next time you’re standing in the hall. And you’d better be on the other side of the room during the exam.”
A knock came at the door and a trim woman with long, curly red hair entered the room wearing a white lab coat. “Ms. Langford.” She shook Anna’s hand. “I’m Dr. Wright. It’s nice to meet you.” She turned to Jacob. “I take it this is Dad.”
Jacob cleared his throat, seeming uncomfortable. “Jacob. Lin.”
Dr. Wright wheeled over a rolling stool and scanned Anna’s chart, nodding and humming. Lord only knew what she was thinking. She didn’t show a reaction of any kind. Was that a good thing? A bad thing? After a few minutes, she closed the folder and stood. “All right, Ms. Langford. Let’s have a look at you.”
Anna lay back as the doctor took out the stirrups. Luckily, Jacob was following orders and had retreated to the far corner of the room. In all actuality, he’d created as much distance between them as possible. This was likely not a comfortable scenario for him, and she did have to admire him for not complaining or excusing himself.
Dr. Wright completed the exam and helped Anna to sit up. “Well, I’ll be honest with you both. This is a tricky situation you’ve gotten yourselves into. I’ve seen the ultrasound images from your appointment with the fertility doctor. As to how you two got pregnant, I’m mystified. You must’ve been trying very hard.”
Anna’s face flushed with heat. Jacob snickered.
“Now, our hope is that this is a big, strong baby like Dad and that as he or she grows, the scar tissue has no choice but to give way. The worst case is that the baby gets stuck in a bad spot and the umbilical cord is squeezed or the baby simply can’t grow.”
Anna sat frozen. Dr. Wright dealt with dire situations every day, so it all came out of her mouth as if it wasn’t a big deal. For Anna, this was a very big deal, and she was trying so hard to keep it together.
“Either way,” Dr. Wright continued, “we’ll have to watch you very, very carefully. You’re most likely to lose the pregnancy early on. I’m guessing from your chart that you’re almost eight weeks along, which is great. I need you to watch for spotting. Call us right away if that happens.”
Anna sucked in
a deep breath. “Okay.”
Jacob stepped closer. “Dr. Wright, I’d like to know how many cases you’ve handled like Anna’s and what the outcomes were. I want to make sure that Anna and the baby have the best of the best.”
The doctor looked down her nose at Jacob. “I don’t know the exact numbers, Mr. Lin. I assure you that I’ve handled many cases like yours, and I know what I’m doing. If you’d like to seek a second opinion, my nurse can provide you with some referrals.”
Embarrassment flooded Anna. How could he do this? “No. Jacob, Dr. Wright has exceptional credentials.”
“And I’d be a bad dad if I didn’t ask about them.”
“If you have concerns, Mr. Lin, you and I can talk about them some other time.” Dr. Wright’s voice was calm—almost soothing, but there was no mistaking the firm hand she was using with him. “We don’t want Anna upset or experiencing any undue stress. It’s not good for her or the baby.”
“Oh. Okay.” He nodded. “Good to know. No stress.”
“That’s probably the most important thing you can do, Anna. Avoid it at any cost. Jacob, you need to buffer her from it as much as possible. Sex can help, since it’s such a good stress reliever.”
Jacob coughed. “Did you hear that, honey?” he asked, wagging his eyebrows at her.
Anna pursed her lips. First he’d pulled the wife thing in the waiting room. Now this. “Is that really safe for the baby?”
“Actually, yes. The baby’s so small right now.” The doctor pulled a funny-looking instrument, like a tiny microphone, from a drawer near the exam room sink. “Let’s see if we can find the baby’s heartbeat.”
Anna had read about hearing the heartbeat with the fetal Doppler monitor. The notion both thrilled and terrified her.
“Just lie back,” Dr. Wright said, lifting up Anna’s exam gown to reveal her bare belly. She squirted some liquid on to her skin. “Just a bit of gel. It’ll help pick up the sound.”
A crackling sound like an old transistor radio broke out in the room. Jacob inched closer to Anna, bewildered. “We’ll actually hear the baby’s heartbeat?”
The doctor nodded, moving the instrument over Anna’s stomach. “The heart forms and starts beating from a very early stage.”
More static came from the small speaker the doctor held in her hand. Pops. Snaps. A rapid, watery sound rang out—likes waves at the beach on fast-forward. Whoosh whoosh whoosh. A smile spread across Dr. Wright’s face. She nodded, consulting the instrument. “There’s your baby.”
Jacob held his breath. Whoosh whoosh whoosh. He’d never been so overtaken by shock and wonder, both at the same time. The miracle of the moment began to sink in, but it wasn’t a weight. Not as he’d worried it might be. The baby was not an idea or an abstract—the life that he and Anna had created, against all odds, was real. A tiny human, with a heart and everything. Whoosh whoosh whoosh. He’d never been so affected by a sound. That sound and the life force that created it needed him. Anna needed him. And he would not let either of them down.
Anna looked up at him, her eyes wide with astonishment. “Our baby,” she muttered.
“It’s absolutely incredible,” he said, taking and gently squeezing her hand. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but he was acting on pure instinct. She didn’t protest, which felt like such a gift. “It’s so fast.”
“It’s a tiny heart, Mr. Lin. It doesn’t know any other speed.”
“And what does the baby look like right now? When can we see it?” It? That didn’t sound right at all. “I mean him.”
“Or her...” Anna added, smiling. It was the first truly light moment of the appointment or for that matter, since she’d told him she was pregnant. He was so grateful for it. Finally, some good news.
“Or her,” Jacob agreed. “When can we see him or her?” He was no longer surprised by the excitement in his voice. It was impossible not to get caught up in the moment.
“We’ll schedule an ultrasound for next week. I’d like to do some 3D imaging. For now, the baby looks like a peanut with a big forehead.”
“Hmmm,” Jacob said. Had his dad been this involved when his mother was pregnant with him? Had he gone to a single doctor’s appointment? Jacob doubted it greatly. It was too bad—he’d missed out on so much. Jacob wouldn’t have traded this experience for anything. It was only made better by the fact that he was with Anna. Now if he could only convince her to stop tabling romance and let him back into her heart.
The doctor put away the monitor and wiped off Anna’s stomach.
“Where can I buy one of those?” Jacob asked. Being able to listen to the baby’s heartbeat any time they wanted would be amazing. His mind drifted to thoughts of him and Anna in bed, listening to their baby’s whoosh. Certainly their baby had an exceptional whoosh, far better than other babies’ whooshes.
“There are inexpensive ones, but they don’t work very well. The quality ones are in the neighborhood of six or seven hundred dollars.”
“Oh yeah. We need one of those. Can your nurse order one for me?”
“That’s a big expense for something you’ll only use for another six months.”
“And you think I really care about that,” Jacob replied. “Because I don’t.”
Anna shook her head, grinning at him. “He doesn’t care about that. At all.”
Dr. Wright left after a reminder to watch for spotting, and a promise that they would all talk after the ultrasound. It was a scary, but exciting proposition, the thought of actually seeing the baby. He could only imagine how he would feel then. Everything that had just become so real would be even more so.
Walking down the hospital hall, riding on the elevator, through the lobby and back outside into the cold, gray December day, Jacob could hear that peculiar whooshing in his head. He and Anna and the baby were in the most precarious of situations, and he was determined to hold on to it with both hands. That wasn’t at all the way he’d expected he would feel after today, but the heartbeat had changed everything.
Fifteen
“Are you doing okay over there?” Jacob asked as the limo sped along Lexington Avenue to Anna’s apartment.
Anna wasn’t okay. She wanted to be okay, but her mind kept dwelling on the medical issues. She looked out the window, entranced by the city passing her by, the people bustling along the sidewalks, in a rush that never ended. Had any of them received life-or-death news today? Probably. She wasn’t so foolish to think she was the only person with problems.
“Anna.” Jacob placed his hand on her shoulder. “Talk to me. It’s okay if you’re upset after the appointment. It was a lot to take in. I understand.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, trying not to fixate on his touch, which called to her, even through her winter coat. Being with him brought back a lot of wonderful feelings, but something tempered it. Could she count on him? For real? She turned back to him, fighting the tears that welled at the corners of her eyes. “Do you, Jacob? Do you really get it? Because our baby is inside me and you said yourself that you’d never planned on becoming a dad.”
He nodded eagerly. “And I feel like a fool for even thinking it. I’m telling you, the second we heard the baby’s heartbeat, everything changed. I get it. I do.”
She sat back in the seat, picking at a spot on the leg of her pants. It was hard to look him in the eye—he was so upbeat and eager right now, but was that just the rush of the appointment? Would it wear off? She didn’t have the luxury of worrying whether he would be there for her and the baby. “It felt different then for me, too. Except in some ways, it just made me more scared. I’m going to be crushed if we lose this baby. Absolutely crushed. And every minute that goes by with this child growing inside of me, I’m going to change. I’m going to become more attached.”
“Come here,” he said, pulling her into his embrace.
He rubbed her back as her head settled on his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
Part of her wanted to be able to accept everything he’d said at face value, the way a child does when they’re worried about monsters under the bed. He rubbed her back and anger bubbled inside her because she loved being like this with him. She wanted things back to the way they’d been before—before the world came crashing down, before he’d betrayed her, except this time, with the baby. Could she find a way to forgive him?
She wanted to let the bad things go, but one thing wouldn’t stop nagging at her. If he had truly wanted her back after the breakup, why didn’t he reach out? Why didn’t he fight for her? It had taken the pregnancy announcement to bring him back into her life, but that didn’t mean he actually wanted to stay. What would happen if she lost the baby? Would he walk away? Would the issues that came along with being with her be more than he wanted to deal with? “Don’t promise that everything will be okay. No amount of money or planning or crossing our fingers is going to make everything fine. We have to wait and see what happens and that’s going to kill me. It’s going to be so hard.”
“You have excellent medical care. You’re in the best possible hands.”
“Thanks a lot for raking my doctor over the coals. What in the hell were you thinking?” She pushed away from him and shook her head.
“I want the best for you and for the baby. You can’t fault me for that. Someone has to ask the hard questions.”
“I didn’t pick a random doctor off the internet, you know. I swear. Sometimes you and Adam are so alike it’s ridiculous. Neither one of you trusts me to do what’s right.”
“That’s not true. I trust you implicitly, and I’m sure your brother trusts you, too. He’s just gone through a particularly misguided phase since your father passed away.”
“It almost sounds like you’re defending him. Are you?” She narrowed her stare. It was the first nonvenomous thing that had come out of his mouth regarding Adam. “Because that would be truly weird.”