She took in a deep breath and nodded. She rolled off Alex and reached for a tissue to wipe her eyes and nose. She remained on her back and looked blankly at the ceiling. Alex slid closer and wrapped her arm around Frank’s waist and kissed her cheek.
“Well, that was a buzzkill.”
“That’s not funny, Alex.”
“It wasn’t meant to be. I missed you this week and I was really looking forward to spending a nice, relaxing weekend with you, but then this happened.” Alex pointed to her breast. “I’m not trying to downplay this, but let’s look at a couple of things here. One, there’s no history of breast cancer, hell, any cancer in my family. Two, I did get elbowed there earlier this week, and it would be a reasonable explanation to have a hematoma. But out of respect for you and Toni, I’m going to have it checked to ease your mind.” Alex grabbed Frank’s chin and made her look at Alex. “Okay?”
Frank nodded.
“Good. Now wrap your arms around me and act like you think I’m the sexiest woman you’ve ever seen.”
Frank grinned and kissed Alex. “I don’t have to act. You are the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.” She buried her face in Alex’s neck and breathed in her scent. “I’m sorry I freaked out on you.”
“Don’t worry, baby. I understand. But like I said, I’m sure it’s nothing. Now kiss me good night and close your eyes.”
Frank let her lips linger on Alex’s, hoping to convey the depth of her affection. She held Alex in her arms all night long, but sleep eluded her as she thought of all the possible scenarios, including worst-case. She offered up a silent prayer to God, to Toni, to her grandparents and anyone else that would listen for Alex to be healthy and live a long, happy life. And if Frank happened to be a part of it, all that much better.
*
Alex woke to sunlight streaming through the blinds and Frank staring at her. She looked so sad, so worried that it nearly broke Alex’s heart. She wished she could come up with something to say to ease the crease between Frank’s eyebrows, but she knew the only way to bring peace to Frank was to have a healthy exam. She would have to try her best to take Frank’s mind off her discovery until she could get in to see her doctor. She used her thumb to trace the dark circles under Frank’s eyes. “Did you get any sleep last night?”
Frank shrugged and looked away. “Yes. No. Not much.”
“Please try to not worry. I’m sure everything is fine.”
“You can’t ask me not to worry, Alex. I care about you and I don’t want you to go through what my sister did.”
“I appreciate that, but you’re getting ahead of yourself. There’s nothing we can do about it until I can see my doctor, so let’s try and enjoy today. How about we take Bella to the dog beach? We can throw the ball for her, watch the surfers, and enjoy the sunshine.”
“Are you sure? Don’t you want to go see Jordan?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“Well, uh, I thought maybe you’d want to tell her.”
Alex shook her head. “Why would I tell her before I knew anything? Look, I don’t want to say anything to anyone, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t either.” Alex turned away from Frank and started to get out of bed before Frank grabbed her arm to stop her.
“Wait. I promise not to say anything. Please don’t go.”
“I’m going to the bathroom. Just give me a minute.”
Frank let her go and she locked the door behind her. She turned on the faucet and splashed warm water on her face. She wasn’t quite sure if she felt bad for Frank or annoyed. She understood Frank’s fear, with losing her sister to breast cancer. But it was like Frank had diagnosed her and given her a grim prognosis. She wasn’t stupid. She knew she could possibly have the disease, but it was likely it was something less serious. Even if it was cancer, she was young and healthy and would fight hard to beat it.
She looked at her reflection in the mirror and stared until the fear in her eyes turned into determination. She opened the door to find Frank and Bella sitting on the bed looking in her direction.
“Bella said going to the beach was a great idea and she’s all for it. Do you still want to go?”
Alex kissed each one on the top of her head. “I’d love to. Let me get dressed.”
“We’ll go get her stuff and meet you at the car.”
The drive to the beach was relatively quiet until they were just a few blocks away, then Bella whined and wagged her tail in anticipation. Once they reached the sand, Frank released the leash and threw a ball down the shore, sending Bella in a full-out sprint to retrieve it. The smell of the salt water and sound of the waves crashing to shore eased the tightness in Alex’s chest that she’d felt since the previous night. She grabbed Frank’s hand and interlocked their fingers. The gentle squeeze Frank gave her released a little more tension from her tight muscles, and she began to relax. Their stroll along the shore was intermittently delayed when Bella would drop her ball at Frank’s feet and wait for the next throw.
After they went about a mile down the beach, they agreed to take a rest and spread out a towel to sit on. Frank guided her arm around Alex’s shoulders and pulled her closer. “I’m sorry about this morning.”
Alex snuggled in and rested her head on Frank’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I just don’t want to worry Jordan and Kirsten unnecessarily. If, and that’s a big if, there’s something wrong, I’ll tell them. But everything is going to be fine, so let’s just enjoy the day, all right?”
“You’re the boss.”
Alex laughed and slapped Frank’s stomach. “That’s right and don’t you forget it.” She sifted the flour-like sand through her fingers repeatedly, loving the softness against her skin. “Do you know what I’d love to do?”
“Tell me.”
“Go back home, get into bed, and cuddle. Can we do that?”
Frank kissed the side of her head. “There’s nothing that I’d rather do more.”
They stood and brushed the sand off their shorts, headed back to Frank’s truck, and spent the rest of the day wrapped in each other’s arms.
Chapter Eighteen
Alex tried to stay positive, but as each day passed, she felt the worry set in. She was finally able to get in to see her primary doctor on Thursday afternoon. She was led to an exam room and a nurse took her vitals, all of which were normal. She had been seeing Dr. Cummings since her early twenties, and in the age of treat-and-street appointments that lasted no more than five minutes, Alex appreciated the time her doctor took with her. She was always unhurried and very thorough with her exams.
“We don’t usually see you more than once or twice a year, Alex, and since you just had a physical a few months ago, what brings you here today?”
Alex took a deep breath, trying to calm the fluttering in her stomach. “I found a lump in my left breast and wanted to get it checked out. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.”
The nurse took her hand and squeezed. “I’m sure it’s nothing too, sweetie. Put this lovely paper gown on with it open in the front and Dr. Cummings will be in in just a few minutes.”
The nurse quietly closed the door, and Alex continued to take deep breaths. She fiddled with the flimsy paper gown while she sat on the edge of the exam table. Finally, there was a knock on the door and the doctor entered and pulled up a stool. The glasses perched on her nose always reminded Alex more of a librarian than a family physician.
“Hi, Alex. Dori told me you felt a lump in your breast. Are you having any other symptoms?”
“Hi, Dr. Cummings. It’s tender to the touch. A couple of weeks ago, a coworker accidentally bumped into me, and I think she elbowed me in that location. The lump or tenderness hasn’t gone away.”
“When did you notice the lump?”
“A few days after that. My lover felt it last Saturday night while we were making love.”
Dr. Cummings looked up from her tablet and winced. “I bet that killed the mood.”
Alex laughed, pleased that she
had such a great relationship with her doctor. “You have no idea.”
The doctor tapped the screen a few times. “It says in your file that there’s no history of breast cancer in your family.”
“That’s right.”
“Lie back and let me take a look.” Dr. Cummings palpated around the breast and areola and pinched the nipple during the exam. The doctor’s fingers stopped when they found the lump, then resumed the movement. “Well, you’re only thirty-two with no history of breast cancer, so I’m sure it’s nothing. Just keep an eye on it and if it gets bigger, come back and see me.” The doctor started to stand, but sat back down when Alex raised her hand.
“I want you to refer me for a mammogram.”
“Alex, I don’t think—”
“Dr. Cummings, you know I’m a nurse and know all about the odds of this being cancer. But my lover lost her twin sister to breast cancer when they were just twenty-nine years old. She’s very worried and I’d like to get the mammogram to ease her mind. Please.”
Dr. Cummings nodded. “All right. I’ll have Dori call down to the breast center on the first floor and see if they have any openings. You can put your shirt back on, but wait here until Dori comes back, okay?”
“Thank you.”
Alex had just finished buttoning her blouse when the nurse knocked and entered. “Hey, sweetie. The breast center had a cancelation and has an opening in an hour. There’s a coffee stand outside if you want to grab something before your appointment.”
“Thanks, Dori, I appreciate it.”
The nurse handed Alex the referral slip. “Try not to worry, okay? I’ll keep positive thoughts for you.”
She nodded and followed her down the hall to the door. She stepped outside into the warm sunshine and ordered a bottle of water from the coffee vendor. What she really wanted was a drink to calm her frayed nerves. She took her water and sat on a nearby bench. She looked to the sky and let the sun beat down on her face. She pulled her phone out of her purse and texted Frank that she was getting a mammogram in an hour, but that her doctor didn’t think it was anything serious.
A text came back immediately. I’ll be right there.
No, don’t leave work. They’re just doing the test, but I won’t get the results right away.
Are you sure? I want to be there for you.
I’m sure. I’ll be done before your shift ends so I’ll just meet you at your place.
Copy that. See you tonight.
Alex turned off her phone and went for a short walk. She tried to clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and after about fifteen minutes, all she thought about was the white noise of traffic on a nearby street and the birds chirping in the trees. She kept the negative thoughts at bay until she entered the breast center. The wave of trepidation stopped her in her tracks. She took another deep breath and squared her shoulders before making her way to the registration desk. An elderly woman looked up and smiled.
“May I help you?”
“Yes, my name is Alex Taylor and Dr. Cummings called down for my appointment a little while ago.”
“Of course. I’ll need an ID and your insurance card.” She handed her a clipboard with a stack of papers. “I’ll need you to fill these out, please.”
Alex took the papers and sat in the only free chair between an older man and middle-aged woman. She set about the mundane task of completing her paperwork, then returned them to the woman at the desk. She collected her insurance and ID cards and returned to her seat. She looked at every woman in the waiting room, ranging between forty and eighty years old. She wondered if any of them had felt a lump in their breasts or if they were there for a routine exam. She picked up a magazine and idly flipped through the pages, not being able to focus on any one article. After what felt like a lifetime, she was called back and led to another waiting room that had changing stalls, lockers, and chairs.
“Take off your shirt and bra and place them in this locker.” The woman handed her a key and a wipe. “You can use this to clean the deodorant off your skin, then put this gown on so it can open in the front. When you’re done, you can have a seat and someone will be with you shortly.”
Alex thanked her and closed the door to the stall. She unbuttoned her blouse, unhooked her bra, and hung them from the hook in her locker. She was tempted to feel her breast, search for the lump that brought her to this place, but she resisted. She put on the gown and tied it at her side before she went to sit and wait some more. She didn’t wait long before another woman dressed in pink scrubs came in.
“Are you Alex?”
She nodded and stood.
“I’m Jill and I’ll be doing your mammogram. Is this your first?”
“Yes,” Alex squeaked out.
“Since your doctor detected a lump, we’re going to do a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Once that’s done, the tests will be read and a doctor will come in to give you the results.”
“Today?”
“Yes. If they don’t find anything then you won’t need another exam for a while.”
“And if they do find something?”
“The doctor will discuss further plans.”
Alex’s legs trembled and she staggered down the hall.
Jill stopped when Alex did. “Are you all right? Do you need to sit down?”
Alex shook her head slightly. “No, I’m just nervous.”
“Just take some deep breaths for me.”
She barked out a laugh devoid of humor. “I’ve been taking so many deep breaths today, I may hyperventilate.” She took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, let’s get this over with.”
She followed Jill into a room that had a strange-looking machine in the far corner.
“Let me just enter some information into the computer and we’ll get started. I want to warn you that this will be more uncomfortable than if we were doing a screening mammo. We’ll have to compress the tissues more with the diagnostic test.”
“Great.” This was not what she wanted to hear.
Jill stepped out from the protective barrier and approached Alex. “Go ahead and untie your gown while I get the machine set up.”
She untied the strings, and her gown fell open, causing her to wrap her arms around her chest. She had never been a modest woman, but she had never in her life felt so exposed.
“Step closer. I’m going to place your left breast on this tray and move the top tray down to compress it.”
Jill took her left breast in her cold hands and delicately placed it on the bottom tray. Before it was even smashed, Alex could feel a tear leak out of the corner of her eye. She knew she shouldn’t be, but she felt incredibly humiliated. She didn’t know she would get the results today, and now she fervently wished Frank was here to hold her hand, to wipe away the tears that she knew would continue to fall. Instead, there was some woman named Jill who was wearing scrubs the color of Pepto-Bismol, handing her a tissue.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I promise this will all be over soon. I want you to take a deep breath and hold it while I take the picture.”
She did as she was told. Jill had promised her this would be over soon, but she didn’t promise her a negative study, that she would go home tonight with a clean bill of health. After a few more images from different angles, Alex shoved the troublesome breast back into the gown and followed Jill to another room with an exam table and ultrasound machine.
“Diane will be with you in a few minutes to do your ultrasound.” Jill led her to the table and held her hand as she sat down, holding her steady. “Why don’t you lie down and close your eyes? Try to think good thoughts.”
Alex lay down on the table and closed her eyes as Jill suggested. Frank, Jordan, Kirsten, and Aiden flooded her mind. She envisioned all of them at a park on a blanket, talking and laughing while Aiden chased Bella. The sky was deep blue with a few clouds that looked like cotton balls. The canopy of leaves from a tree they were sitting under offered them protection from the blistering sun. Her
daydream was interrupted by yet another woman in the drab pink scrubs.
“Hi, Alex, I’m Diane and I’ll be doing your ultrasound.” Diane keyed in some information on her computer and powered up the machine before bringing it to her left side. “I’m going to open your gown and squeeze some gel onto your breast, then I’m going to move this transducer over the area.”
An image popped up on a screen, but Alex didn’t know what to look for. She’d never dealt with this type of imaging on a breast in the ER, and she felt inept. Shouldn’t she know what she was seeing? It all just looked like blobs on the screen, and she thought of images psychiatrists would show their patients. God, she wished Frank was here with her.
Before she knew it, Diane was wiping the gel off her breast and telling her the doctor would be in soon to go over the results. She wanted to text Frank, even Jordan. She needed reassurance. She needed to be told that she would be okay. But her phone was in the fucking locker. She pounded her fists on the padded table and felt the tears fill her eyes. She swiped at them, but they continued to fall. She sat up to look for some tissue when there was another knock at the door. A different woman in a white lab coat came in and handed her some tissues from a box on the ultrasound tray.
“Ms. Taylor, I’m Dr. Nguyen.”
Alex shook the hand that was offered her. The doctor pulled up a stool, sat, and crossed her legs. She was wearing a skirt that hiked up her thigh when she crossed her legs, and Alex would have normally found that sort of thing sexy, but there was absolutely nothing sexy about this entire day. She had come across a few different women who had touched and handled her breast. Frank should be the only one touching her breasts. Frank would lovingly fondle and worship her breasts as only a lover should. She now felt violated and wondered if she would ever enjoy having her breasts touched again.
“I reviewed your tests and a mass was detected. It doesn’t mean that the mass is cancer, but I want you to get a biopsy so we can be certain. I want you to have a core needle biopsy because it takes a larger piece of tissue.”
Courageous Love Page 12