“I…what do you mean?” Frank asked.
“I was so caught up in fighting the disease and protecting you from having to go through it again, and protecting myself in case you decided not to go through it again.”
“Alex, slow down. You’re not making any sense.”
“I kept trying to protect you. I didn’t want you to have to take care of someone you love with cancer again. That’s why I kept giving you the opportunity to leave, but you insisted on staying.”
“I wanted to help you and be there for you because I love you, Alex.”
“I know. But then I tried to protect myself from you leaving. I was trying not to fall in love with you because if you decided to leave me, I didn’t know if I could survive that too. That’s why I kicked you out of my house that day. I thought I saw it on your face, the uncertainty, and then you called me Toni and I just lost it.”
“Alex, I want to explain that.”
Alex held up her hand and Frank stopped talking. “No, you don’t have to. Just let me finish, please.”
Frank leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.
“But what I realized once you were gone is that as afraid as I was of losing you, I had never felt safer than when you were around. That with your quiet strength, I felt everything would be okay because you would do everything in your power to make sure of it.
“Then I wanted to talk to you, ask for your forgiveness, but I wanted to be better before I did that. I needed to rediscover my self-esteem. I had to make myself better mentally to be the woman you deserve. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and she’s been helping me accept the new me, working on my attitude and outlook. I’m still not where I want to be, but seeing you in the hospital, I realized I didn’t want to live another day without you in my life. I still have some work to do, especially accepting my new body, but if you’d be willing, and if you could be patient with me, I’d like for us to start over.” Alex gently moved Bella’s head off her lap, knelt in front of Frank, and took Frank’s hands in hers. “Frank, I love you and I want us to try again. Will you please forgive me and take me back?”
Frank shook her head and stood, bringing Alex with her. She wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and looked into her eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive, Alex. I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I’ve waited my whole life for you, and I won’t pressure you or rush you into anything you’re not comfortable with. If and when you’re ready to make love, you let me know. Until then, I’m perfectly content to hold your hand, hug you, and kiss you. All that matters to me is that we’re together.”
Alex wrapped her arms around Frank’s neck and stood on her toes. “I love you so much.” She pulled Frank’s head lower, closed her eyes, and whispered, “Kiss me.”
Chapter Thirty-five
“Come in, Alex. How did your week go?”
Alex walked into her therapist’s office and sat in the chair she always sat in during their weekly sessions. Alex smiled. “My week was wonderfully unexpected.”
Dr. Meyer mirrored her smile. “How so?”
“I ran into Frank in the ER. She had hurt her shoulder and came in for an exam.” Alex continued to tell Dr. Meyer of their conversation. “I went to her house on Saturday and I told her how I’d felt during the treatment, how I was afraid of losing her but also how much I missed her. I finally told her I love her and wanted us to get back together.”
“How did that go?”
Alex beamed. “Great. She said she loved me too and couldn’t imagine her life without me. I was honest with her about my body issues and that I was working on becoming more comfortable. She was very understanding and said she’d be patient with me.”
“That sounds like you both had a positive conversation.”
Alex nodded. “We did, but it makes me want to work harder to become more comfortable showing her my whole self. How do I do that?”
Dr. Meyer laughed. “Impatient much?”
“I know, but I missed Frank and I feel that if I can expose myself fully, it will prove to her that I do trust her.”
“Has she indicated that that’s an issue for her? Or are you doing that projection thing again?”
Alex looked down and mumbled, “I guess I’m projecting again.”
“Hey, it’s all right for you to work hard on improving your self-esteem, but it needs to be for you and not anyone else. You’re still fragile and vulnerable so it’s great that Frank wants to be patient with you. Do you believe her?”
“Yes,” Alex said quickly and confidently.
“I hear the urgency. You want to get back to yourself. You want to share your life with her and you want your body to be included. That’s a respectful thing—not only to you but to the relationship.”
“What do I have to do to get there? That’s what I really want to work on because it’s not fair to Frank or myself to deny both of us this opportunity because I can’t get past my scars. I want to get past it; I just don’t know how.”
“There are things you can do to become more comfortable with your body, but it’s going to be a process, Alex. It won’t change overnight. You have to be patient and allow your mind and body to reconnect.”
“How do I get to that point? I mean, it’s still hard for me to look at myself naked in the mirror. I try not to look at myself below the shoulders. I have a reconstructed left breast that looks nothing like my right one, and I have an angry red scar that’s a constant reminder of my disease.”
“Or you can see it as a constant reminder of the battle you fought and won. It doesn’t have to be a sign of disease or weakness. It can be a sign of your strength. The strength it took for you to make tough decisions to do what would be best for you. You fought that battle, Alex, and you won. You don’t have to rush it, though. You want to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Imagine yourself as a patient. How would you approach yourself? You would need to apply the same thing to yourself. Create a little bit of distance. You have permission to talk to yourself and not be crazy.” Dr. Meyer laughed along with Alex. “You have the advantage because you’re a nurse. What would you say to a patient who was looking at their wound for the first time, if their body had shifted, what would you tell them?”
Alex nodded in understanding.
“Limit your time. Pick a quiet time, maybe wake up a few minutes earlier and greet yourself to a new day because you’re a survivor. What was all the fighting for? To have another day. Make a gesture, say a prayer, talk to the universe, whatever makes you comfortable. Acknowledge that gift of a day. Say thank you to your body. The conversation should last for only two minutes. You’re doing it as you’re looking at yourself in the mirror. Say ‘hello, body. I don’t know you, or I kind of think you’re ugly,’ or whatever comes to your mind. You’re having the conversation face-to-face, and then you cover up, you close the conversation, and you go through your morning routine. You create this every day. Your body will start talking back to you, the more you get comfortable with it. You may be surprised. She may tell you off.”
Alex laughed, acknowledging her therapist’s strange sense of humor.
“She may cry.”
Alex nodded. “She should cry. I’ve cried enough.”
Dr. Meyer smiled. “You’re going to say good-bye to your old body and hello to the new one. And the most important thing to remember, Alex, is to keep the line of communication open. Frank seems to me, from what you’ve said, very patient and understanding, and has your best interest at heart. Keep her in the loop. Don’t shut her out.”
“I understand. Is there anything else?”
“One more thing. Touch yourself. Your new body, your new breast may have different sensations. Find out what you feel, what feels good, what doesn’t, so you can let Frank know. You need to know yourself before you can share it with anyone else. The way you made love before might not feel the same now, so it will help her to let her know what feels good to you now.”
“Got it. T
hank you, Dr. Meyer. I’ll see you next week.” Alex left feeling better than she had in months. She was anxious to get started on her new homework assignment.
*
Alex went home, poured herself a glass of wine, and went into her bedroom. She sat on her bed and looked at herself in the mirror. Fully clothed, Alex looked normal, like the old Alex only with a cute short hairstyle. Since her change in attitude, she was more positive and like the old Alex out in public or at work. At home, when she was naked, that was a different story. The plastic surgeon had done a great job reconstructing her breast, but it was shaped differently from her right. Not her doctor’s fault. That was just how it went when there was an original breast and a reconstructed one. Then there was the scar. The scar that looked like someone took a red Sharpie and drew a line horizontally across her breast. And let’s not forget that there is no nipple or areola.
Alex took a big gulp of wine and began to undress in front of the mirror. She removed her bra and stared at her reconstructed breast. Her breathing shallowed as she looked in the mirror. She was tempted to cover herself back up, but she had—needed—to continue. Dr. Meyer said to only take a couple of minutes to do this, but Alex needed more time. The longer she stared, the angrier she became. She took another drink from her wine, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She opened her eyes, looked at herself again in the mirror, pointed at her reflected breast, and clenched her jaw.
“You! You have been the cause of nothing but misery for me in the past six months. You turned my life upside down. You made me sick. You took my hair. You took my breast. You took away my femininity, my sexuality, but I’m telling you that you don’t get to keep it.”
Alex felt her heart pound in her chest and her nostrils flare. “You tried to take away my life, but I fought you and I won. I fucking won!”
She threw a pillow at her reflection in the mirror. Alex wiped away the tears that had spilled down her cheeks, pulled her shoulders back, and pointed again. “I won, and I will continue to fight until you’re just an afterthought. Fuck you, cancer.”
Chapter Thirty-six
It had been almost a month since Alex and Frank got back together. It had been a month of rediscovery for them both. Alex had been meeting with her therapist every week, she had been doing her homework to become more comfortable with her body, and she had joined a support group of younger survivors, women around her age who had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Frank had also found a group to join for significant others of cancer survivors. The entire journey had been important for them both. But the journey was continuing, and Alex and Frank still had more to learn, more to grow.
Alex answered the door and found Frank and Bella standing on the other side of the threshold. She had invited Frank over for dinner, but didn’t want the evening cut short so she told her to bring Bella along. She had chicken baking in the oven, vegetables steaming on the stove, and wine breathing on the counter. Bella greeted her with some licks to the face and then Alex kissed Frank.
When they had first gotten back together, Alex felt anxious about intimacy, but Frank had squashed those concerns. By talking openly, each expressing their concerns and fears, they were able to slowly explore. They still hadn’t made love, and Alex still hadn’t undressed in front of Frank, but she was becoming more comfortable with the thought. One night during a bout of sexy kissing, Alex took Frank’s hand and guided it to her reconstructed breast. Instead of seeing repulsion in Frank’s eyes, she saw only love and affection. Frank’s reaction made Alex more comfortable, and slowly her hesitations began to fall. Each time they were together, they explored a little more, and Alex was relieved that her libido was finally returning.
After they ate dinner, they sat on the couch to watch a movie. The movie had just barely started when they began to kiss. Alex climbed onto Frank’s lap and started to move against her. Frank’s lips parted, and Alex took the opportunity to slide her tongue in. She felt Frank’s hands slip under her shirt and caress her back. The light scratching of Frank’s short fingernails on Alex’s skin produced a flood of wetness in Alex’s panties. She stood and offered her hand to Frank. “Take me to bed.”
Frank looked up at her. “Are you sure? I’m okay with waiting.”
Alex leaned down and kissed Frank, then bit her bottom lip. “I’m done waiting. I want to show you how much I love you.”
Frank smiled, turned off the television, and took Alex’s hand, following her to the bedroom. Alex turned to face Frank and kissed her again, a slow, lingering kiss that was made of promises for their night, for their future. She pulled Frank’s shirt over her head and dropped it on the floor, then pulled her pants down. Alex wanted Frank completely naked before she exposed herself. The hungry look in Frank’s eyes emboldened Alex to begin unbuttoning her blouse.
“Baby, if you’re not ready, it’s okay. Really.”
Alex shook her head. “I’m ready. Seeing you look at me that way makes me ready.”
“What way is that?”
“Like you want me.”
Frank closed the distance and put her hand over Alex’s, assisting in undressing her. “I do want you. Tonight and every night for the rest of our lives.”
Frank pushed Alex’s shirt off her shoulders and let it drop to the floor. She stepped back to let Alex finish taking off her bra. This was the first time Frank was going to see Alex naked since her surgery, and she wanted to take all of her in. Alex unhooked her bra, then crossed her arms over her chest, not allowing the bra to fall. She looked to Frank with tears in her eyes and Frank smiled and nodded. That must have given Alex the confidence to continue, and she dropped her arms and let her bra fall to the floor. She stood still with her arms at her sides while Frank took in the sight before her. Frank had always found Alex beautiful, but now…now she found Alex amazing as well. Alex fought breast cancer and had the battle scar to prove it. To Frank, the scar was a wondrous site. It was proof showing how strong Alex was, what a fighter she was, and Frank couldn’t imagine being able to love her any more than she did at that moment.
Frank stepped closer, put her hand on the back of Alex’s head, and whispered against her lips, “I love you, Alex. I love you and you’re my hero.” Frank kissed Alex gently, lovingly, and continued to kiss down her neck, her chest, but stopped when she got to her scar. She looked up at Alex without moving away, silently asking permission to continue. When Alex gave her a slight nod, Frank kissed the scar that ran horizontally across her reconstructed breast. Frank could never see this scar as ugly or a deformity. Because of this scar, the love of her life was alive. She kissed Alex’s scar one more time and held Alex’s face in her hands. “Thank you for trusting me. I promise to never betray that trust and I will love you with all that I am for the rest of our lives.”
Alex put her hands over Frank’s and kissed her again. “I trust you with my life, with my heart, and I will spend the rest of our life loving you the way you love me. Now, take me to bed, Sarge, and show me how much you love me.”
About the Author
KC Richardson attended college on a basketball scholarship, and her numerous injuries in her various sports led her to a career in physical therapy. Her love for reading and writing allows her to create characters and tell their stories. She and her wife live in Southern California, where they are trying to raise respectful fur kids.
When KC isn’t torturing / fixing people, she loves spending time with her wonderful friends and family, reading, writing, kayaking, working out, and playing golf.
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