by B C Morgan
It feels like the rest of the summer has flown by and come tomorrow, I’ll be heading back into the lion's den. They still think I’m their prey, that they can bully me and break me but they couldn’t do it before and I won’t let them do it now. If I was strong enough to face them when I was alone, what a force to be reckoned with I’ll be with a whole group of allies. I just hope PastFinder doesn’t reveal what I did before I tell them myself or I may just lose them for good.
Would they shut me out or turn on me like everyone else did back home? They forced me out of my town, please don’t let that happen again. I’m enjoying finding out who I really am and I want to see where this will go. Will I be with Elijah when all is said and done, will Noah know if he will follow in his mother’s footsteps and will he stop trying to protect me from his unknown fate.
I’d go to bat for that guy, for both of them, if only he would give me a chance to show him that. But my Dad is right, all I can do is support him and be there whenever he needs me.
I just wish I knew what he wants to talk about, serious or trivial. Oh damn, please universe let me just have one more day before you throw me into the deep end. Just give me tomorrow with the people I care about and then I’ll tackle all the crap you have in store for me, head on.
Three
Home sweet home, throwing my stuff on my bed, I can’t believe it’s been six weeks already. I can’t wait to get to spend time with my friends, but it’s going to be hard with Amias. Can I really pretend that I don’t know anything, just to make him hurt.
It’s so strange being in the year thirteen mansion, plus it’s my last year here. It should go okay. I mean one more year of the Shepherds and it will all be over.
Who’s knocking at my door? I’ve only been here five minutes, may as well get it over with. Oh, crap on a cracker, it’s Amias. I just can’t catch a break.
“Hey, how was your holiday?” I sound so lame.
“Better now that it’s over, I found myself missing you more than I thought I would,” he says before pulling me into his arms.
I hate how happy being held by him makes me. I guess it doesn’t matter if my brain knows I shouldn’t trust him. My heart clearly doesn’t want to listen to the warning.
“Did you miss me?” he asks, his eyes are soft, and he has this unusual vulnerable quality to him.
“Of course I missed you, I thought about you all the time. It was strange not seeing you every day, how was Africa?”
“It was okay, I didn’t see a lot of my parents they were busy most of the time. We were supposed to have dinner together but most of the time it was just me,” he says quietly, it sounds lonely and the longer he holds me the more I sink into him. I can be angry later, I think we both need this and I can’t bring myself to pull away.
He’s pulling away and his eyes keep straying to my mouth, I can’t do this, not now. I tuck my hair behind my ear and step away whilst releasing a nervous chuckle.
“You okay little cub, you seem different,” his eyes are peering into mine, staring questioningly at me. While his fingers are sweeping down my neck and across my collarbone. Making me draw in a haggard breath.
“Just a little out of sorts I think, I had an interesting time at Elijah’s. His mum is brilliant,” I say, and I can see the dark look returning to his eyes. No one but Elijah knows where I went when school let out, and I want it to stay that way.
Oh yes, Mr. I don’t share. Maybe he won’t give me the chance to hurt him back, not if he calls it quits right now.
“I see and you’ve decided you’re ready to be with someone and you’re choosing him. Thanks for the update.” He snatches his hand from me, as though I’m burning him, and his eyes are spitting fire while his tone darkens.
“You are such a presuming a-hole, I haven’t decided anything of the sort. I just realised that maybe I won’t be able to choose if it came down to it. I don’t know if I want to open myself up to more than one guy, but at least I have the option. You know what, just go I’ll speak to you later,” I’m turning my back on him, how could he presume anything about me?
“Little cub, I’m sorry. I just thought you were going to tell me that you realised he was a better fit than me, especially for you. I’ll leave you alone, but I really did miss you Henleigh.” His eyes are the softest I’ve ever seen them, and I can see so much regret as he drags his hand across his neck and walks away, his shoulders slumping forward.
“I missed you too,” slips out once the door is closed, I really have missed him and it makes the betrayal all that more painful.
“Knock, knock,” Roxie says as she comes into my room and closes the door behind her.
“Leigh girl, what’s the matter. I know we’re back at school, but it’s no reason to cry,” she says, as she drops down onto my bed.
“I don’t know what to do, I thought going to the prison would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. And in a way it was, but I wasn’t expecting to have Amias’ name thrown my way.” I’m shaking and crying with how frustrated I feel, what else can I do but throw my hands up in the air. Before I roll over and start punching my pillows repeatedly.
“What on earth are you talking about, you’ve completely lost me here.”
I’m telling her everything that transpired since leaving Padstow, including my epiphany when I sat beside Harrison. She is looking so shocked, if I wasn’t finding this situation so hard, I’d probably be laughing right now.
“Damn girl, does anything normal ever happen in your life? So, what is this big secret that you don’t want anyone to reveal and what are you going to do about Amias?” She looks so curious, and I can see the cogs turning in her mind.
“I want to teach him that I am more than just a name, that what he has been doing is so messed up I can’t even put it into words. I want to make sure he never does anything like this again. And as for my secret, I’ll tell you, I just hope you’ll still be around by the time I finish.” I sit up and square my shoulders, bracing myself for the big reveal.
She stays as I tell her and I don’t even know why she is the first person I’m telling my story to. Maybe because she asked or because in my soul I know I can trust her, it could also be because this is her last year and it makes it easier.
“Fuck me Leigh, that’s so messed up. Someone clearly knows about this, who do you think it is?”
“That’s all you have to say on the matter, you don’t hate me or even think less of me? Seriously Roxie, I’m a monster, I destroyed her life,” I’m getting so worked up over this, did I want her to hate me for it? Yeah, I think I did, because I hate myself.
“Look girl, what you did is bad. There’s no denying that and I agree, you shouldn’t have gotten out so quickly, but it is what it is. You’re not walking around unaffected, if anything this is haunting you and that’s a worse fate than any prison sentence. You’re suffering enough, I’m not going to add to that. Plus, she’s alive. Maybe her dream of being a dancer is gone but she’s still here, you didn’t destroy it, you just... altered it. Now as for Amias, I think I can help you with that one.” I can feel her compassion as she speaks, she’s looking at me but not forcing me to hold eye contact and she’s leaning forward ever so slightly. And she says it all with a soft smile on her face, and I would never describe Roxie as soft.
She sits down beside me and tells me everything she did to Declan when he was chasing after her and still with Britney. She made him suffer and earn the right to be with her, I can adapt it to help with what I have in mind. Only I don’t think this version will end happily unlike theirs.
“The one thing you need to ask yourself though Leigh is, do you still have feelings for Amias and is there any chance you'll want to be with him?”
“I don’t know, I guess I just have to hope that I’ll have it figured out by the end of the school year.”
Classes don’t actually start until tomorrow but I’m not going to wait until then to see Noah, he may not even be here yet but that’s no reason to not a
t least go and check.
I’ve got a pair of leggings on, with an oversized jumper that has one of the arms falling off my shoulder and a pair of ballet flats. My hair is up in a French braid and I’m going without makeup, I think I look okay but looks aren’t important to Noah. I guess it just adds to his appeal, I love that boy so much, I’m just not ready to tell him yet.
I’m just going to knock on his door and if he’s not here, then I’ll go back to my room and wait for tomorrow, it’s no big deal.
“Henleigh, hey.”
“Matti, it’s so good to see you,” I say, throwing my arms around him. He’s still tensing, but he’s getting used to me hugging him now.
“It’s good to see you too, Noah got in about thirty minutes ago,” he says with a sheepish grin and I hate that he can see right through me.
“That’s great, I mean, while I’m here I might as well say hey,” I wink at him that makes him chuckle slightly, before I take a minute to figure out the best way to ask him for a favour. “Matti, there’s actually something I’d like to ask you. It’s a bit weird and I can’t say why yet but I was wondering if you could teach me how to,” I move in closer and whisper the word, “hack.”
“Sure, I guess I could. You’re not up to anything illegal, are you?” He asks as his eyes dart around the room.
“I’m not going to lie to you Matti, but I promise it’s for a good reason and no one will even know. I just need some information and I’ve run out of ideas on how else I can acquire it.” I really need him to accept my explanation, I hate that I’m putting him in this position, but what else can I do? Sometimes being selfish is the only way to survive, even if you stop having the chance to be the person you wish you could have been.
He’s rubbing the back of his neck as a door opens behind me, I turn around and yes, it’s Noah and he looks better than ever. More tired than usual but he’s smiling my favourite smile and I launch into his arms.
“Mmm my Leighbear,” he’s spinning me around and nestling his face into the crook of my neck.
He’s not usually this openly affectionate with me, I’m not complaining but it’s a little worrying. I’m taking him in more, the bags under his eyes are darker and his pallor is more sunken.
“Hey Noah bear, damn I’ve missed you,” I say, as I brush my fingers across his cheek and down his neck.
“I missed you too, do you want to come in?” That has to be the best question I’ve been asked all day, of course I’m not going to say no and I cannot get this stupid smile off of my face.
He’s closing the door and his cheeks are growing red, what’s going on with him? I’ve been in his room before and it doesn’t usually make him feel embarrassed.
“What’s up Noah, you’re going all red. I mean it’s cute but I can’t figure out why,” I say, making him burn even brighter, so damn cute. It’s making my smile grow if that’s even possible.
He comes closer, so we’re now standing toe to toe. He’s raising his hand to my face, but it’s just hovering there. He’s not actually making contact and I can’t help but arch my brows at him.
“I’m having the test done, when this school year ends I’ll finally know. I’ve been raised to look out for others and to not be selfish, but for once I really want to be.” He inhales deeply as his fingers twitch but he still doesn’t conquer the inches between his hand and my face. “I want you Henleigh and I don’t want to fight it anymore, I don’t know if there’ll even be a future for us once we finish school but I’d really like to live in the present. With you.” He’s bending over slightly to conquer the height difference, so we’re standing here, just staring at one another.
I don’t know what to say, could this have come at a worse time for me? Or maybe this is the best time, I’ve been wracking my brain over what I need to do in regard to the guys.
“Hey, I really need you to say something please Leighbear. Even if it’s no, and I’d understand if it is.” His voice is thick with emotions, and it breaks at the end.
“Noah,” his name is a whisper as I lean into his hand.
Screw it, this isn’t a passing fancy for me, it’s real. I’m pushing up against him, trying not to overthink it, I can’t. The moment our lips connect I lose all track of thought and the ability to breathe.
His hands are on my hips and he’s squeezing enough that I want to groan, but I’m not going to; it would be mortifying. His hands are gliding up my sides, over my waist and up my back until they’re tangling in my hair. It’s a good thing I don’t care if my braid gets messed up because it is not going to come away unscathed.
He’s breaking the kiss before he leaves a trail of hot, scorching kisses down my neck and across my bare shoulder before quickly pulling away and taking a few steps back.
Oh thank you universe, I was so close to saying just screw it but I’m not ready for that step yet. I’m turning eighteen in a week and I’m more than happy to see it begin as a virgin, but man is it bad that I want to lose it to Noah?
“Sorry, was getting a little carried away there,” he says with a sheepish smile and I’m laughing even though I’m trying not to.
“Noah, even when you get carried away you’re the perfect gentleman. You have nothing to apologise for,” I say as I break the distance and pull him into my arms.
I have to say it, I can’t keep it from him. Besides, if we only have a year, it’ll be his choice if that does happen, stubborn bastard. Then I want it to be built on honesty, he knows I have secrets but I won’t keep this one from him.
“I need to tell you something and you may change your mind once I do.” I swallow hard, and my skin feels too tight for my body. Can you feel claustrophobic by your own skin, because I do right now.
“Can’t see how that could even be a possibility, but say whatever you need to Leighbear. No judgements here.” So much sincerity shines back at me from his chocolate brown eyes.
“I don’t know if I’m cut out for a relationship but I want to try, with you. Only, it can’t just be you. I’m sorry Noah, you deserve someone who can be with you and only you, one hundred percent. I just don’t think I can be that.” I have to take a moment, draw in some extra strength, before I say the last part. “I don’t know if I’m even capable of being with multiple guys but I think I’d like to try and even though it’s not fair, I don’t want to have to share you guys in return.”
I’m sitting on the edge of his bed with my head in my hands, why did I have to say this? Because it’s the right thing to do! I really hate my inner voice at times like this, she always seems to be right.
“Henleigh, I already saw this coming. I don’t really know how I feel about it to be honest with you, but I’m happy to give it a shot. Besides, I like Lija and Amias, I mean if those are the guys you want to try this thing with. And as for the last part, I am so glad you don’t want to share me.” I can hear the relief in his voice and it matches mine to a T. It's like that moment when you’ve been stuck in a desert with nothing but mirages and then you realise you’ve finally found something real. You’ve found your salvation. “I only want you, no one else. Honestly, any other girl can jog right on. So, I’ve said a lot more than I usually do, can I shut up now?”
I’m laughing again, these guys are always doing this to me and it’s nice. I can’t answer the question about Amias though, not yet. These guys are friends, I only feel able to talk to the girls about this and unfortunately, that doesn’t include Ivy either.
I can’t believe I didn’t get to see Elijah last night, I need to tell him myself. I can’t have him finding out from Noah, that isn’t fair to him.
I think this is why I’m pacing outside of his door at six in the morning. I should not be up and dressed right now, I’ve clearly lost the plot.
No, it’s okay. I’ve just got to knock on his door, probably wake him up in the process and then get it all out in the open before classes start. Otherwise lunch is going to be unbelievably awkward.
The knock sounds so loud
or maybe I’m just hitting it too hard, I really need to get a hold of myself.
“Hen, baby what’s wrong?” He asks as he opens the door.
Oh gawd, my mouth is as dry as the Sahara desert. Does he not own pyjamas, why is he opening his door in only his boxers and come on Henleigh, stop looking at his groin.
“Erm Hen, my face is up here,” he says and I see a cocky smile spread across his lips.
“Are you going to invite me in?” I ask, holding back my own grin.
“I don’t know, are you sure you can control yourself,” his eyes are burning into mine, I wouldn’t be surprised if I come away with a sunburn after this.
I slap him across the chest, but he’s capturing my wrist and holding my hand in place, right over his heart. I can feel it racing, almost in time with my own. I guess I’m affecting him just as much.
He tugs me into his room and I’m falling against his chest just as he kicks the door closed. I am more than aware of the fact that he is practically naked and pushing my free hand against his chest only gives him another one to seize.
“What are you doing Eli?” Why does my voice sound so husky? It’s making his eyes darken with lust. I really hope mine aren’t doing the same, someone needs to be the voice of reason here.
“I don’t know, one minute I’m pissed that someone would actually wake me up at six am and then the next minute, I’m looking at you,” I watch as his throat bobs up and down as he swallows hard and his fingers on my skin leave nothing but a scorching heat in their wake. “All I know is that your hand is against my chest and I don’t want you to remove it. This early in the morning, it’s going to be bad news right.” I know he’s worried but it isn’t coming through with his heated skin, bedroom eyes and husky voice.
Why does everyone automatically assume the worse where I’m concerned? This is getting ridiculous.