by B C Morgan
I’m here early, but he’s still here first. I’ve never known him to be here before me apart from when I overheard him and Ivy. I wonder what mood he will be in today.
“Alright H, how’s it going?” I ask, dumping my bag on the table and pulling a chair out.
“Just grand, how’s the world in your little universe?”
Okay, so he’s going to be a dick, fine by me.
“Let’s just get on with it shall we, then we won’t have to see each other anymore.”
“You’re not going to be tutoring me after the holidays?” he asks, and I feel confused, doesn’t he want this to end?
“If you still need me I will, but I think you’re doing fine now. Lets get on with the English assignment and we can figure everything else out later” I say, as I take my seat.
“What happened to you?” he asks, pointing at my wrist, is he being serious right now?
“I had a little accident, let’s just get on with the work,” I reply, as I take my seat and we get started.
“I need a break, I’m never going to get this,” he says, and to be honest I don’t blame him if he needs a minute who am I to stop him.
“Whatever you need,” I say, but I’m already checking out in my mind, I need to get this over with, but I don’t know how he will react.
“I don’t need your permission,” he screams, spittle flying from his mouth as he throws a book across the floor and his body locks up. His eyes roll back until all I can see are the whites of his eyes and air whooshes out of him as he hits the floor hard, like a sack of potatoes.
What is going on?”
Fuck me sideways, he’s having a seizure what am I supposed to do? I need to get Benjy, but I can’t leave him alone. I can’t think straight and I don’t know what to do. My chest is tightening as I watch him in horror, and images of him dying in front of me are filling my mind until, suddenly, everything is clicking into place. I need to get a hold of Benjy one way or another. I dial his number while I crouch down beside Harrison and do my best to get him into the recovery position. I’m struggling to do it with only one hand, I have to prop my phone between my ear and shoulder so I can use my one good hand. Why does it have to be broken right now? I know you’re supposed to ensure they don’t swallow their tongue, but I don’t know what I’m doing or how to keep him safe!
“Move out the way Henleigh, I’ve got it,” Benjy says, appearing out of nowhere, but I refuse to leave.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say and all we can do is make sure he’s safe and wait for it to pass.
It feels like hours but it only lasts for six ish minutes, he’s taking a while to come to. I’m the first person he’s seeing as he refocuses and he looks like he is an equal measure of embarrassed, shocked and angered.
“Hey, if you wanted to get out of English, there are plenty of other ways to do that,” I say, Benjy nearly chokes at my comment, but Harrison’s eyes soften just a smidge.
“I thought this would get me the most sympathy,” he replies, and I quickly get him a bottle of water out of my bag.
“Oh no, you need to be a lot more convincing next time.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he says as he slowly gets up and we help him back into his chair.
“What happened?” Benjy asks.
“I was struggling with the assignment and I got stressed, I said I was taking a break and Henleigh said it was okay and I... I lost it. I didn’t mean too,” he says, hanging his head and I can tell Benjy wants to reassure him but what can he say? He wasn’t even here when it happened.
“Hey, the H I know is the kind of guy who will pitch a fit just because the new girl sat in his chair, the kind who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. Don’t let this change that, change you. I mean sure, if you want to be a tad nicer I’ll be your biggest supporter, but what just happened doesn’t change a damn thing,” I say, as I wrap my arms around him.
Damn it, I’m too nice for my own good.
“I have epilepsy, it’s because of the injury I sustained. My moods are more volatile as well,” he says, as his arms come around my waist and I’m trying my hardest not to enjoy being held by him.
“I’m not easy to be around for a week every month myself, don’t worry about it. I’m used to you being a mardy arse,” I say, and he laughs as he pulls away from me.
“Benjy, can we have a minute please,” he asks, and Benjy hesitates until I assure him I will call the minute anything happens.
“I need to tell you something,” his eyes are boring into me as runs a hand through his hair before taking one of my hands. He’s breathing deeply and his foot is tapping frantically, “I’m PastFinder. I’m the one who has been causing most of the shit you have endured and I gave the Shepherds all the ammo they could possibly need to sink and hurt you.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask, feeling speechless.
“Because I hated and condemned you before I even tried to know you, how can I think you’re this selfish, vindictive, self-centred bitch after everything you’ve done. I’m sorry that I did it without knowing you, but the girl you hurt is my sister and I just wanted to get revenge for her.”
“I know H, I’ve known for a few days now. And I get why you did it, but I don’t think we can be friends. Enemies for life right,” I say, and he nods his head slowly.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” His voice has risen an octave, and he looks like he’s just been told that the jolly fat man at Christmas is not real.
“I was trying to work out if I should, but while we’re on it, there is something I need to ask you,” I say and he nods his head, which I’m assuming is his way of telling me to continue.
“Did you put your friend up to this?” I can’t look at him as I say it, it’s painful to even ask. I have really enjoyed these sessions of ours and if he is responsible, then I’ll never be here with him again. My heart is beating hard and fast in my chest. I no doubt look like I want to be anywhere else but here. “I know you got him to beat me up, but why would you do this? I wasn’t nice to you for some kind of hidden agenda but do you really hate me that much you’d get him to break my wrist and make a game of it at the same time?”
“What are you talking about? I’ve never got someone to beat you up! Is this what you were talking about that day on the track? I’ve always wondered what you were going on about,” he replies, and I believe him.
“He only ever mentions your name, he feeds it to me as if you’re the master controlling his strings.”
We both just sit here and let my words swim around our heads, what is going on? I guess that means I’m no closer to figuring this mess out.
Spending the holidays with Roxie and her family is fun, they’re all sarcastic and swimming with an inappropriate and morbid sense of humour, I love them. The only problem is, my enjoyable holiday is about to come crashing down.
“Roxie, she messaged back, she wants to meet me,” I say, handing over my phone so she can see it for herself.
“Wow, I was not expecting that. Do you want me to come with you, I’m sure my brother won’t mind driving us there and back. He’s dying to get out of the house anyway, he’s very bah humbug,” she says and I take her up on her offer.
It does not take a lot of convincing to get her brother to agree and we are soon piling into his Ford Focus and we are on our way, either her family has left where we now call home or she moved away. Was it because of me?
It's only taken us forty minutes to get here and Roxie and her brother are more than happy for me to go in and leave them waiting in the car, what are they trying to escape from. I love their family home.
I feel so nervous and sick to my stomach, there’s only two days until Christmas, what if me being here only ruins it for her. Haven’t I taken enough from her already. I knock on the door and wait, maybe I should just go. Nope, the door is opening, oh shit.
“Afternoon you must be Henleigh,” Rebecca says, I’ll never forget her and as she lo
oks up from her wheelchair, it almost transports me back to that day.
“Yes I am, sorry for intruding. I never expected for you to want to see me in person,” I say, as she moves back and invites me inside her bungalow.
“Please, come inside. It will be easier to do this sitting down, and I have already put the kettle on if you would like a drink.”
I am so confused. Why isn’t she screaming at me, telling me how evil I am and how I ruined her life in one stupid and reckless moment.
“It isn’t poisoned, look I’m not going to pretend that having you here isn’t unsettling and even a little painful. But I would like to hear what you have to say. I never read your letter, I was too messed up at the time and my mum threw it away. So, by the time I was ready, it was too late.”
I sit down and accept a cup of coffee, not sure I need any more energy, I feel way too jittery but I just need to keep my hands busy.
“I’m not sure what it is you need to say, just begin when you are ready and then I have a few things I would like to say to you.”
I nod my head in agreement and she relaxes back into her chair, Harrison never looked this comfortable but I guess after four years she’s found ways to help her adjust.
“To begin I would like to tell you why I acted so reckless and what caused me to be out there that night, I’m not trying to make excuses, it’s just the events that led up to the biggest mistake of my life,” I say, and she nods her head for me to proceed.
“My brother was killed eleven years ago, and it destroyed my family, none of us were ever the same again after that. I became despondent and an utter loner, my father became obsessed with work and would disappear for days on end and my mother turned to drugs.” It’s getting a little hard to stay calm, and this is the easy part. “It started off as prescription painkillers, but it didn’t take her long to turn to the harder stuff. She has been in and out of rehab ever since but every time she fails, she hits it hard and I get the backlash. The night of the incident, she told me that it was my fault my brother died and she wished it had been me instead of him. At least then she’d have a child she could be proud of,” I stand and begin to pace, I’m getting close and my nerves are eating away at me.
I take a couple of minutes to brace myself and try to find my inner calm. And all this to me she just sits there, waiting patiently for me to finish. Her face giving nothing away.
“She always says cruel things when she’s high, but that day was the worst by far and I guess I reached my breaking point. My Dad wasn’t around and I’d had enough of coming second to not only drugs but the ghost of my brother. Now I adore him, he was my everything but it’s hard to live in his shadow. But that isn’t relevant, anyway, there was this group of troublemakers that kept trying to entice me to join them and that night I did.
I helped myself to my mum’s weed and a few of her ecstasy tablets and I left, I was out of my head and I loved it. For the first time in forever my mind was blank, and I was having fun. I wasn’t thinking or remembering every little detail and when Tom told me to take over I didn’t refuse. I don’t even know where we were going when I hit you, I was freaking and Tom and his mates weren’t any help and we ran. I should have stayed with you and made sure you were okay but I didn’t. I left you for dead and ran away, and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you. I really am sorry,” I finish as my throat closes up, but I won’t cry, I don’t deserve to.
“Before I say my piece, there is one thing I would like to ask you. If you could go back and undo it, would you?”
How do I answer that, it’s not as clear cut for me. I guess I need to be honest and accept her hate and loathing.
“If I could go back and make sure I didn’t destroy your dreams then I would, but I wouldn’t stop it,” I hate myself right now, how can I even say that to her.
“Why?”
“Because I never would have gone to juvie or been sent to Padstow, I didn’t want to go but now I’m sad that it will soon be coming to an end. If I hadn’t gone to prison for what I did to you then I never would have met my boyfriends, the truest friends I’ve ever known or your brother. I also wouldn’t be the person I am today.” I need to take a moment before I continue, this isn’t easy because I’m admitting that given the chance I’d hit her with the car all over again. But she deserves honesty. “I try to be less selfish and to think of others, I question my actions to ensure they won’t hurt someone else and I always take a second to think about it before I do anything too reckless. It doesn’t always work but it has helped me to be better, I don’t want to go back to the person I used to be. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and nothing can ever make up for it, but at least I won’t let something like that happen on my watch.” I won’t let the tears that are pricking my eyes fall, if my life was a rollercoaster this would be the point where the reach the top of the highest drop and you don’t know if you would be excited or terrified.
“It took guts to be that honest with me, and now I am going to be honest with you. I hated your guts for the longest time, I thought you had destroyed my life but the thing that really broke me was how you left me. You didn’t even look back, I was broken and bruised and I felt worthless. It’s taken a lot of work to come to terms with that and to use my anger in a more constructive way.” she’s twisting a ring on her hand and I can’t help but notice the finger it sits on. She’s engaged, I hope he’s good to her she deserves it more than most. “The thing is, I don’t hate you anymore. The wheelchair is hard going but I refuse to accept that I will always be in this chair, and I will keep on trying to regain the use of my legs until the day I die. I also realised after a while that I don’t miss the ballet, I loved it whilst I was doing it but it was tiring. I always had to be on point and the epitome of perfection and I feel free now I no longer have that pressure resting upon me. Honestly, I think my family was hit worse by this than me in the long run.” I can barely breathe, she doesn’t hate me... I wonder how that feels. Maybe one day I too could get to a point where I no longer hate myself for all my ill deeds. “I know seeing me broken and my attitude change overnight was hard for them but if I can move on, then so can they and they should. I’m finally living my life solely for me and I’m happy, I’m training to be a teacher and I’ve just moved in with a guy I have loved since I was a little girl. I can’t give you my forgiveness Henleigh but I’m okay if you decide to forgive yourself.”
Tears are flowing freely down my cheeks and I don’t know how to respond, I could never be this forgiving.
“My brother is a dingbat but you mentioned him as a reason why you wouldn’t change your past, do you have feelings for him?” she asks, and I need to take a minute before I can answer her.
“I don’t know how I feel, but I’m proud of him for what he’s overcome and how he’s handling it all. I like him even if we are enemies for life.” A laugh slips free, part joy and wonder but mainly confusion.
“No life sentences Henleigh, it’s too short for that. Thank you though, for being honest and I’m glad you wouldn’t change anything. You learned an important lesson and sure it sucks that it comes at the cost of my ability to walk, but at least it wasn’t a pointless incident. It had a purpose, I can deal with it. I don’t think I can see you again for a while, it’s still hard for me but that’s my issue not yours.” Her eyes are soft and I can’t help but wonder just how difficult this is for her, staring at the person who robbed them of a life they knew, knowing that I can get up and simply walk away if it ever gets too rough. “I don’t want to cling to my anger or hold grudges, but I’m glad I met you. You’re different from the person I conjured in my mind and its really helped me. Take care of yourself Henleigh and continue to not make rash decisions that could end up with dire consequences.”
The rest of Christmas flies by, I don’t know what it’s going to be like when I return to school. There really isn’t long left to go, and it’s passing by so fast. I still need to find out who Mr. Terrifying really
is and who he’s working for. That has to be my top priority, and getting my own back on the Shepherds, I am really looking forward to that. Watch out Chelsea and Octavia, I’m coming for you. I won’t be alone and I will not stop until I teach you a valuable lesson. Don’t do anything if you’re not willing to have it returned to you tenfold.
“You’ve got your thinking face on again,” Roxie says with a grin and it only widens when I tell her my plans. Of course she wants in on it and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Chelsea first, then Octavia. Anyone else will just be a bonus, what do you think will hit them the hardest?” I ask.
“Chelsea believes she is the centre of the universe, that every girl should want to be her and every guy is dying to have her. Break the illusion, show her what people really think and you’ll break her. As for Octavia, she’s a little more tricky. She is all about her looks, you take those away and she’ll be helpless.”
We brainstorm for a little while, until we have a rough plan beginning to form. It isn’t perfect and it can backfire in so many ways, but at least we have a place to start.
“I can’t believe we’ll be back at school tomorrow, are you nervous?”
“A little, but I’m more scared of when it’s over for good. I don’t know if I’ll still have my guys and I’m going to miss you like crazy,” I reply and she slaps me across the arm.
“You are not getting rid of me missy, so there will be absolutely no reason to miss me. As for them, if they don’t stick around then they don’t deserve you. It really is as simple as that,” I adore her carefree attitude, it’s refreshing and balances out my maudlin attitude at times.
“Okay, okay, I didn’t mean it like that. All I was trying to say is that we don’t know where we’ll be heading when it’s all over, I keep saying I’m going to go to Uni but I never applied for anywhere. I know I won’t lose you, but we could be miles apart and may only be able to see each other twice a year if we’re lucky.” I really have a knack for offending people, it must be my gift, I wonder if I can get an exchange?