Then he would have the whole set offered by the cereal company. And it wasn’t just the competition with the other kids; he couldn’t quite explain it, but it was a feeling of accomplishment every time he got a button he did not already have. When he had them all, just those last eight, he would be the happiest boy in the world.
But it was dangerous, and Davey knew it.
It wasn’t that Mommy wouldn’t buy him the boxes of Pep. They were only 23¢ a box, and Mommy bought one each week, but that was only one comic character button a week! Not hardly enough to get the full set before they stopped putting the buttons in and offered something new. Because there was always so much duplication, and Davey had three Superman buttons (they were the easiest to get) while Hobby only had one Dick Tracy. And Hobby wouldn’t trade. So Davey had had to figure out a way to get more buttons.
There were thirty-two glossy, colored buttons in the set. Each one in a cellophane packet at the bottom of every box of Pep.
One day, when he had gone shopping with Mommy, he had detached himself from her, and wandered to the cereal shelves. There he had taken one of the boxes down, and before he had quite known what he was doing, had shoved his forefinger through the cardboard, where the wall and bottom joined. He could still remember his wild elation at feeling the edge of the packet. He had stuck in another finger widening the rip in the box, and scissored out the button.
That had been the time he had gotten Annie’s dog Sandy.
That had been the time he had known he could not wait for Mommy to buy his box a week. Because that was the time he got Sandy, and no one, not anyone in the whole neighborhood, had even seen that button. That had been the time.
So Davey had carefully and assiduously cajoled Mommy every week, when she went to the A&P. It had seemed surprising at first, but Mommy loved Davey, and there was no trouble about it.
That first week, when he had gotten Sandy, he had figured out that it was not wise to be in the A&P with Mommy, because she might discover what he was doing. And though he felt no guilt about it, he knew he was doing wrong…and he would just die if Mommy knew about it. She might wander down the aisle where he stood–pretending to read the print on the back of the box, but actually fishing about in the side for the cellophane packet–and see him. Or they might catch him, and hold him, and she would be called to identify this naughty boy who was stealing.
So he had thought up the trick of waiting in the car, playing with the buttons in the bag, till Mommy came from the A&P with the boy, and they loaded the bags in, and then she would kiss him and tell him he was such a good boy for waiting quietly, and she would be right back after she had gone to the Polish Bakery across the street, and stopped into the Woolworth’s.
Davey knew how long that took. Almost half an hour.
More than long enough to punch holes in ten or twelve boxes, and drag out the buttons that lay within. He usually found at least two new ones. At first–that second week he had gone with Mommy to do the shopping–he had gotten more than that. Five or six. But with the eventual increase in duplication, he was overjoyed to find even one new button.
Now there were only eight left, and he emptied the little cloth bag onto the car seat, making certain no buttons slipped between the cushions.
He turned them all up, so their rounded tops were full toward him. He rotated them so the Phantom and Secret Agent X-9 were not upside-down. Then he put them in rows of four; six rows with four in a row. Then he put them in rows of eight. Then he just scooted them back into the bag and jingled them hollowly at his ear.
It was the having, that was all.
“How long have I been?” Mommy asked from outside the window. Behind, at her right, a fat, sweating boy with pimples on his forehead held a big box, high to his chest.
He didn’t answer her, because the question had never really been asked. Mommy had that habit. She asked him questions, and was always a little surprised when he answered. Davey had learned to distinguish between questions like, “Where did you put your bedroom slippers?” and “Isn’t this a lovely hat Mommy’s bought?”
So he did not answer, but watched with the interest of a conspirator waiting for the coast to clear, as Mommy opened the front door, and pushed the seat far forward so the boy could put the box in the back seat. Davey had to scrunch far forward against the dashboard when she did that, but he liked the pressure of the seat on his back.
Then she leaned over and kissed him, which he liked, but which made his hair fall over his forehead, and Mommy’s eyes crinkled up the nice way, and she smoothed back his hair. Then she slammed the door, and walked across the street, to the bakery.
Then, when Mommy had gone into the bakery, he got out of the car, and walked across the summer sidewalk to the A&P. It was simple getting in, and he knew where the cereals were brightly stacked. Down one aisle, and into a second, and there, halfway down, he saw the boxes.
A new supply! A new batch of boxes since last week, and for an instant he was cold and terrified that they had stopped packing the comic buttons, that they were offering something worthless like towels or cut-outs or something.
But as he came nearer, his heart jumped brightly in him, and he saw the words FREE WITH THIS BOX! on them.
Yes, those were the boxes with the comic buttons.
Oh, it was going to be a wonderful day, and he hummed the little tune he had made up that went:
“Got a nickel in my pocket,
“Gonna spend it all today.
“Got my buttons in my pocket,
“Gonna get the rest today.”
Then he was in front of them, and he had the first one in his hands. He held the box face-toward-him, hands at the bottom on the sides, and he was pressing, pressing his fingers into the cardboard joint. It was sometimes difficult, and the skin between his first and second fingers was raw and cracked from rubbing against the boxes. This time, however, the seam split, and he had his fingers inside.
The packet was far from over and he had to grope, tearing the box a little more. His fingers split the wax paper liner that held the cereal away from the box, but in a moment he had his finger down on the packet and was dragging it out.
It was another Sandy.
He felt an unhappiness like no other he had ever known except the day he got his new trike, and scratched it taking it out the driveway. It was an all-consuming thing, and he would have cried right there, except he knew there were more boxes. He shoved the button back in, because that wouldn’t be the right thing to do–to take a button he already had. That would be waste, and dishonest.
He took a second box. Then a third, then a fourth, then a fifth.
By the time he had opened eight boxes, he had not found a new one, and was getting desperate, because Mommy would be back soon, and he had to be there when she came to the car. He was starting his ninth box, the others all put back where they had come from, but all crooked, because the ripped part on their bottom made them sit oddly, when the man in the white A&P jacket came by.
He had been careful to stop pushing and dragging when anyone came by…had pretended to be just reading what the boxes said…but he did not see the A&P man.
“Hey! What’re ya doin’ there?”
The man’s voice was heavy and gruff, and Davey felt himself get cold all the way from his stomach to his head. Then the man had a hand around Davey’s shoulder, and was turning him roughly. Davey’s hand was still inside the box. The man stared for an instant, then his eyes widened.
“So you’re the one’s been costin’ us so much dough!”
Davey was sure he would never forget that face if he lived to be a thousand or a million or forever.
The man had eyebrows that were bushy and grew together in the middle, with long hairs that flopped out all over. He had a mole on his chin, and a big pencil behind one ear. The man was staring down at Davey with so much anger, Davey was certain he would wither under the glance in a moment.
“Come on, you, I’m takin’ you t
o the office.”
Then he took Davey to a little cubicle behind the meat counter, and sat Davey down, and asked him, “What’s your name?”
Davey would not answer.
The worst thing, the most worst thing in the world, would be if Mommy found out about this. Then she would tell Daddy when he came home from the store, and Daddy would be even madder, and spank him with his strap.
So Davey would not tell the man a thing, and when the man looked through Davey’s pockets and found the bag with the buttons, he said, “Oh, ho. Now I know you’re the one!” and he looked some more.
Finally he said, “You got no wallet. Now either you tell me who you are, who your parents are, or I take you down to the police station.”
Still Davey would say nothing, though he felt tears starting to urge themselves from his eyes. And the man pushed a button on a thing on his desk, and when a woman came in–she had on a white jacket belted at the waist–the moley man said, “Mert, I want you to take over for me for a little while. I’ve just discovered the thief who has been breaking open all those boxes of cereal. I’m taking him,” and the moley man gave a big wink to the woman named Mert, “down to the police station. That’s where all bad thieves go, and I’ll let them throw him into a cell for years and years, since he won’t tell me his name.”
So Mert nodded and clucked her tongue and said what a shame it was that such a little boy was such a big thief, and even, “Ooyay onday ontway ootay airscay the idkay ootay uchmay.”
Davey knew that was pig Latin, but he didn’t know it as well as Hobby or Leon, so he didn’t know what they were saying, even when the moley man answered, “Onay, I ustjay ontway ootay ootpay the earfay of odgay in ishay edhay.”
Then he thought that it was all a joke, and they would let him go, but even if they didn’t, it wasn’t anything to be frightened of, because Mommy had told him lots of times that the policemen were his friends, and they would protect him. He liked policemen, so he didn’t care.
Except that if they took him to the policemen, when Mommy came back from the Woolworth’s, he would be gone, and then would he be in trouble.
But he could not say anything. It was just not right to speak to this moley man. So he walked beside the man from the A&P when he took Davey by the arm and walked him out the back door and over to a pickup truck with a big A&P lettered on the side. He even sat silently when they drove through town, and turned in at the police station.
And he was silent as the moley man said to the big, fat, red-faced policeman with the sweat-soaked shirt, “This is a little thief I found in the store today, Al. He has been breaking into our boxes, and I thought you would want to throw him in a cell.”
Then he winked at the big beefy policeman, and the policeman winked back, and grinned, and then his face got very stern and hard, and he leaned across the desk, staring at Davey.
“What’s your name, boy?”
His voice was like a lot of mushy stuff swirling around in Mommy’s washer. But even so, Davey would have told him his name was David Thomas Cooper and that he lived at 744 Terrace Drive, Mayfair, Ohio…if the moley man had not been there.
So he was silent, and the policeman looked up at the moley man, and said very loudly, looking at Davey from the corner of his brown eyes, “Well, Ben, it looks like I’ll have to take harsher methods with this criminal. I’ll have to show him what happens to people who steal!”
He got up, and Davey saw he was big and fat, and not at all the way Mommy had described policemen. The beefy man took him by the hand, and led him down a corridor, with the moley man coming along too, saying, “Say, ya know, I never been through your drunk tank, Chief. Mind if I tag along?” and the beefy man answered no.
Then came a time of horror for Davey.
They took him to a room where a man lay on a dirty bunk, and he stank and there were summer flies all over him, and he had been sick all over the floor and the mattress, and he was lying in it, and Davey wanted to throw up. There was a place with bars on it where a man tried to grab at them as they went past, and the policeman hit his hand through the bars with a big stick on a cord. There were lots of people cooped up and unhappy, and the place was all stinky, and in a little while, Davey was awfully frightened, and started to cry, and wanted to go hide himself, or go home.
Finally, they came back to the first place they had been, and the policeman crouched down next to Davey and shook him as hard as he could by the shoulders, and screamed at him never, never, never to do anything illegal again, or they would throw him in with the man who had clawed out, and throw away the key, and let the man eat Davey alive.
And that made Davey cry more.
Which seemed to make the policeman and the moley man happy, because Davey heard the policeman say to the moley man named Ben from the A&P, “That’ll straighten him out. He’s so young, making the right kind of impression on ’em now is what counts. He won’t bother ya again, Ben. Leave him here, and he’ll ask for his folks soon enough. Then we can take him home.”
The moley man shook hands with the policeman, and thanked him, and said he could get any cut of meat he wanted at the store whenever he came in, and thanks again for the help.
Then, just as the moley man was leaving, he stooped down, and looked straight at Davey with his piercing eyes.
“You ever gonna steal anything from cereal boxes again?”
Davey was so frightened; he shook his head no, and the tear lines on his face felt sticky as he moved.
The moley man stood up, and grinned at the policeman, and walked out, leaving Davey behind, in that place that scared him so.
And it was true.
Davey never would steal from the cereal boxes again, he knew. As a matter of fact, he hated cereal now.
And he didn’t much care for cops, either.
All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Introduction: “That Kid’s Gonna Wind Up in Jail,” copyright © 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
Interstitial Story Notes, copyright © 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“On the Downhill Side,” copyright © 1972 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 2000 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“A Lot of Saucers,” copyright © 1957 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1985 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Soldier,” copyright © 1957 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1985 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Rain, Rain, Go Away,” copyright © 1957 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1985 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Night Vigil,” copyright © 1957 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1985 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“The Voice in the Garden,” copyright © 1967 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1995 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Deeper Than the Darkness,” copyright © 1957 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1985 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Never Send to Know for Whom the Lettuce Wilts,” copyright © 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Sensible City,” copyright © 1994 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Djinn, No Chaser,” copyright © 1982 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Repent, Harlequin!’ Said the Ticktockman,” copyright ©1965 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1993 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Invasion Footnote,” copyright © 1957 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1985 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Gnomebody,” copyright © 1956 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1984 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Tracking Level,” copyright © 1956 by Harlan E
llison. Renewed, 1984 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Jeffty Is Five,” copyright © 1977 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 2005 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
“Free With This Box!,” copyright © 1958 by Harlan Ellison. Renewed, 1986 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.”
Copyright © 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporatio
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ISBN 978-1-4976-0421-6
This edition published in 2014 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.
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Troublemakers: Stories by Harlan Ellison Page 26