by E. L. Todd
At least he was making an effort now.
“Where did Janice go?” Pike asked.
“Oh, she had to be somewhere,” Dad said vaguely. “But she wanted me to give her your love.”
What love?
Ryan shook his hand. “I got to run. I look forward to seeing you again.”
“You too,” Pike said.
Dad gave me a quick hug before he walked out and attempted to catch up to my mom.
Pike released a deep breath then looked at me. “Well, that went well.”
Chapter Five
Slade
When I walked to her apartment, I never felt heavier. Every time my foot collided with the ground, I felt the collision. Everything was heightened. If I concentrated hard enough, I could actually feel my heart contract then relax as it moved blood through my body.
I reached her door and stared at it for a long time. I was terrified of this conversation. Trinity was everything to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She was just a fuck buddy in the beginning, but she became the greatest damn thing that ever happened to me.
Instead of using my key, I knocked.
Footsteps were heard on the other side. After a moment of silence, the door opened. Trinity stared at me, and the usual look of longing on her face was gone. It was like it never existed to begin with. Disappointment and pain was visible in her eyes. I felt like a mistake, something I never wanted to be.
“What?” she barked.
“Can I come in?” I said quietly.
“Why?” She was cold as ice.
“I want to talk…about us.”
She walked into the apartment then stood in the living room. Her arms were across her chest and she was closed off from me. Her thoughts were dark and unreadable.
I closed the door behind me then faced her, feeling the room spin. “I love you.” It was the first thing that came to my mind. It was truer than anything else I ever said, and in that moment, I felt it powerfully. “You know that, right?”
Her eyes were covered in a frost.
I kept going. “I’m sorry I didn’t propose on our trip. I feel like an idiot for giving you that bracelet. If I’d known that was what you were thinking…I would have gone about it in a much different way.”
Surprise came into her eyes and her arms loosened. “Skye told you?”
I didn’t answer her question because I didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus. “Trinity, I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I feel terrible.”
Her anger started to evaporate. “I guess I shouldn’t have assumed anything…”
I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful this conversation was headed in a good direction. “No. I was an idiot and didn’t think it through. I just wanted you to have the bracelet since…I knew you would love it.”
“I do love it,” she whispered.
I stared at her, feeling a little less scared. “So, we’re okay?”
Her coldness returned. She stared at me for a long time, the resentment obvious in her limbs. “Do you want to marry me, Slade?”
It was the question I was hoping to dodge. I assumed if I apologized and reminded her that she loved me so much, she would just forget about it. But now I was backed into a corner. “I know you’re the only woman I want for the rest of my life.”
“That didn’t answer my question, Slade.”
The fear gripped me by the neck.
“Slade?” she pressed. Her hardness started to thaw, replaced by obvious pain.
“Trinity, I told you from the beginning that I wasn’t marriage material…”
“But you are marriage material, Slade.”
“No, I’m not,” I argued. “I said I would give you everything I possibly could. I’m your boyfriend and I do my best to make you happy and give you everything you want. Whenever you need something, I’m there. I’m committed to you and love only you. I’ve given you that. Why is that not enough?”
She shifted her weight. “You told me you would try…”
“And I did try,” I said. “Look where we are now. It’s completely different than what we used to be.”
“Exactly,” she said. “Which is why I assumed you were ready to commit to me. You act like I’m the one thing in your life you can’t live without, but yet, you won’t make me your wife.”
I rubbed the back of my neck, unable to stand still.
“Why won’t you marry me?” she asked. Her voice was quiet like she didn’t want the answer.
“I just can’t,” I said. “Marriage doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a stupid piece of paper.”
“If it’s a stupid piece of paper and doesn’t mean anything to you, then why is it so hard for you to sign it?”
I held her gaze and tried to think of an answer. “It’s a complicated way of making two people obligated to be together. When they fall out of love, they’re stuck together. One out of two marriages end in divorce. What’s the point of practicing an institution that clearly doesn’t work?”
“Slade, if something happened to us I wouldn’t force you to be with me.”
“But I would feel pressured to stay,” I argued. “Besides, your family is wealthy. Now people won’t think I’m with you just for your money. If I never marry you, it’s not an issue.”
“No one would ever think that, Slade.”
“You don’t know…” I looked away.
“What about kids?”
“What about them?” I asked.
“After all this time with me, you don’t want to have a family with me?” She seemed hurt most of all by this revelation.
“Trinity, I don’t know anything about kids. I would never be a good dad.”
“You said you would never be a good boyfriend but you’re the best one I’ve ever known.”
I looked down. “Well, it took me a long time to figure it out.”
“No one is ready to be a parent. Even when they have their third kid, they still aren’t ready.”
“Trinity, no.” My voice carried my authority. “I just can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
I kept my gaze averted.
She covered her face for a moment before she looked at me again. “You wasted two years of my life.”
I felt like she slapped me across the face with a frying pan. “Wasted?”
“Wasted,” she repeated. “If you were madly in love with me and you knew you still couldn’t give me what I wanted, you should have left, Slade. You shouldn’t have let it drag on.”
“Drag on?” I asked. “I’m in love with you and I’m happy. Why would I want to end it?”
“Because you don’t want to marry me and I’m sure I can find someone else who will.”
I breathed hard, feeling the pain flood my body.
“You told me you would try not to be a mistake.” Her eyes coated with tears. “But that’s exactly what you ended up being.”
“Don’t say that…”
“Then marry me.”
“What does that mean anyway?” I asked.
“It’s a celebration,” she argued. “Where you stand in front of all your loved ones and tell each other you love one another.”
“Trinity, I do that every damn day! I show everyone who isn’t blind how much I love you.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
I stepped back, feeling the adrenaline course through my body.
“Is that your final answer?” she asked.
Fuck. “Why can’t we stay exactly as we are?”
“Exactly as we are?” she asked. “Just boyfriend and girlfriend? Living in separate apartments? Because I don’t want that, Slade. I want someone who’s going to love me and be by my side forever. When beauty fades and all that’s left is our souls, I want to share that time with you. That’s when real love begins, not physical lust and obvious desire. I want a real man to come home to me every day and tell me he loves me. I want someone to take care of me when I falter. I want to make kids with him, and
every time I look into his face, I see my own son.
“What do you want? To go from girl to girl until you’re too old to catch any more tail? What will you do then? Who will love an old creep that inks for a living but has nothing to show for his life’s work? You will die alone, Slade. Your only legacy will be the line of whores that meant nothing to you.”
“You aren’t a whore and you mean everything to me.”
“Then marry me.” She was practically begging. “It’s not that damn hard.”
I stared at the ground again.
“If you can’t make the compromise then you obviously don’t love me…”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “At all.”
“You would rather lose me than spend your life with me.” Her voice cracked with emotion. “That’s what it comes down to. Marrying me is a sacrifice, not a joy.”
“Why are you giving me this ultimatum?”
“Because I’ve given you two years to make the decision on your own. Since you’ve avoided it, I have to corner you. So, tell me. What’s it going to be?” Her eyes were unforgiving but full of pain.
“Trinity, I love you…”
“Slade, answer me.” Tears fell down her cheeks.
“Don’t do this…”
She closed her eyes and more tears fell. “I was so stupid for ever thinking that I could change you. I was so stupid for ever thinking I could make you fall so desperately in love with me that you would actually want to marry me. My father was right. Everyone was right. God, I’m an idiot.”
Those words hurt more than anything else. “Just give me some time…”
“To what?” she snapped. “To waste more of my time?”
“I just…”
“I should have picked Reid.”
Just when I thought I couldn’t hurt more, she stabbed a blade through my heart.
“We’d probably already be married right now. I’d be happy. You would be running off with a new girl you met at a bar, and I would be home with my husband who loves me. But no, I’m here, having this stupid conversation with you.” She turned away and wouldn’t look at me. “Leave your key and get out.”
My breathing wouldn’t slow. Every nerve was firing off in pain. I couldn’t handle the misery. I couldn’t handle the loss. “Trinity.” I came behind her then pulled her to my chest. “Please don’t do this…I love you.”
She pushed me off. “Don’t ever say that to me again.”
Tears pooled in my eyes then they fell down my cheeks. “Don’t leave me. Please. Don’t go.”
“All you have to do is marry me and I’ll never go anywhere, Slade.”
I covered my face and bowed my head.
Trinity started to sob. “Just go.” She walked into her bedroom and shut the door. The lock clicked and I heard her quietly cry into her pillow.
I turned to the counter and pulled out the key to her apartment. I stared at it, my vision blurry from the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. I’d never been in this much pain in my life. Everything hurt, and I knew everything would hurt for a long time. A part of me lived inside Trinity, and I knew I could never get it back.
I left the key on the counter then wiped my face. Then I left her apartment, stumbling because my unstoppable tears obscured my vision. When I was outside of her apartment, I wandered down the hallway until I collapsed. My tears flooded my mouth and the overwhelming taste of salt burned my senses. I hadn’t cried this much since I was a child, but I couldn’t stop myself. I sat alone in the hallway for a long time, feeling like I lost my entire world.
Chapter Six
Trinity
Stupidly, I assumed after I confronted Slade about my feelings he would give in and marry me. When I threatened to leave, I thought he would hold onto me and never let go. I thought losing me would frighten him more than anything else.
I was wrong.
When I reflected on the two years of our relationship, I wondered if I’d misinterpreted everything. Was his love for me ever genuine? Was it all just a game to him? Did he know we would end someday? Did he accept that fate?
Even though I prepared for the break up for the past few weeks, I would never be ready to accept the loss. Not having Slade in my bed was like missing an arm. Not having him to talk to was like losing a best friend. His smell began to fade from my apartment, and eventually, it was like he was never there.
Tears took me at the most random times. I walked around the park in the afternoons for fresh air. Sometimes I couldn’t even make the full trip, and I had to sit down and sob like I just lost him again.
I didn’t eat and I hardly slept. I knew I looked sickly and disgusting. I barricaded myself in my room ad hoped I would just disappear. Was Slade suffering like I was? Or had he moved on and found someone new? I could have sworn that he loved me, but I’d been wrong.
And it cost me more than I had.
A knock sounded on the door. I was sitting on the couch, watching the sun set in the distance. I knew it wasn’t Slade so I said, “Come in.” I didn’t look at the door to see who it was.
Cayson stepped inside with a box in his hands. He set it on the counter.
I didn’t look at him.
He approached the couch then sat beside me, staring straight ahead. “I’m sorry.”
I stared out the window, pretending he wasn’t there.
“I think Slade will come around when he realizes that his misery will never go away.”
“No, he won’t,” I said quietly.
“I know he loves you.”
“No, he doesn’t.” I stood up then grabbed all his things. He left his clothes and underwear in my drawers. His hair supplies were still in my bathroom. His random guitar picks flooded the carpet. I stuffed everything inside a box then grabbed the bracelet he got me. I tossed it on top.
Cayson eyed it then turned his gaze to me. “Slade won’t take that.”
“I don’t want it.”
“It was a gift. He was really excited to give it to you.” He kept his voice low, like it wouldn’t upset me.
“I. Don’t. Want. It.” I shoved the box at him. “He can pawn it for all I care.”
He held the box but didn’t leave. “For what its worth, he’s doing worse than you are.”
“I’m sure he’ll get over it soon—just like usual.”
“Like usual?” he asked. “Last time I checked, Slade had never felt this way for someone before.”
“No, he had never felt that way for someone at all.” I opened the front door. “Please leave.”
He stood still. “Is there something I can get you?”
“Actually, yes. Since you’re a genius, can you wipe my memories of Slade? Because I wish I hadn’t wasted my time on him.”
He looked down. “I know you don’t mean that, Trinity.”
“No, I do. Now leave.”
He gave me a final look before he walked out.
I closed the door then locked it behind him, not wanting any more visitors.
***
I didn’t even want to be around Skye. I just wanted to be alone, to wait for enough time to pass that I could get over Slade. I wanted him to be gone from my mind. I didn’t want to sob over him every night when I went to bed. I wished I didn’t miss him like this. The degree of which I loved him seemed to burn me in the same intensity as I mourned.
I could barely get through work. Galaxy was a pain in the ass, and of course, she wasn’t sympathetic to my plight whatsoever. She bossed me around and tried to make my life as shitty as possible. Since I was so hollow and broken, it was hard to care about anything she said. I just did my work like a zombie, grateful for a distraction from the man who stole my heart then threw it away because he simply didn’t want it.
“Why don’t you comb your hair and wash your face once in a while?” Galaxy snapped after she glared at me.
I was fitting a dress, something I designed, and she attacked me for no reason at all. Everyone there liked me, and the magazine
took a lot of my suggestions. I knew her hate stemmed from the fact she was threatened by me. I was better at her job than she was. But that didn’t make me hate her less.
“You look like shit,” she snapped.
I’d put up with this woman for a year and I couldn’t do it anymore. I had enough experience working here, and I wanted to launch my own line. I wanted to make sure she knew I was better than her. Starting my own business and being a contender would be the best way to slap her across the face. I threw the dress down. “I quit.”
She flinched. “Excuse me?”
“I quit. Good luck finishing this dress.” It was my own design and I took the notes so she couldn’t use them.
“You have to finish this,” she said. “You can’t just leave.”
“Watch me.” I grabbed my purse and flicked my hair over one shoulder.
She stood up. “I don’t think so—”
I got in her face. “Unlike you, I don’t need to be a bitch to do my job. You can intimidate people all you want to get ahead but that won’t work on me. I’m going to start my own line, and when your magazine asks to feature my work, I will make sure they ask a different designer for the shoot. Good luck keeping your job then.”
She stared at me, speechless.
“And when I’m asked why I quit, I will definitely tell them it was you.” I turned around and marched off without looking back.
***
I went to the park, one of the few places in the city that didn’t remind me of Slade, and worked on my sketches. I wanted to start my own company, and now that I had some experience in the industry, I knew how to do that. I just had to organize and get everything together.
My phone vibrated. Against my will, I hoped it was Slade. I dreamed of him coming back to me and getting down on one knee. I fantasized about his kiss and how his lips felt against mine. I imagined how he would look in a suit as I walked down the aisle. But then reality stepped in.
I checked my phone and saw a message from my dad.
Sweetheart, can I come by?
I’m not home right now.
Where are you?
At the park. He probably heard about Slade and I. He was probably eager to say ‘I told you so’. I wasn’t in the mood to feel worse than I already did.