by E. L. Todd
Being with Pike was fine when I thought it was casual, but hearing him confess those words to me made me realize how differently we viewed the relationship. Of course, I liked Pike a lot and I did see a future with him. I could envision him as my husband someday. But it was too soon for that. I wasn’t ready to drop the L word.
And I had a feeling I knew why.
***
Pike didn’t call me or come to my apartment for a week. He hadn’t tried to communicate with me at all. I was glad he gave me space because I needed it, but his silence made me wonder if he was angry with me. Perhaps he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I wouldn’t blame him. He was a great guy and deserved the best.
I definitely wasn’t the best.
I was sitting on my couch when there was a knock on the door. Without checking, I knew who it was. It could only be one person. Slowly, I went to the door and opened it without checking the peephole first.
Pike stood on the threshold with his hands in his pockets. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. His eyes were guarded and cloudy, not open like they usually were. He clearly didn’t trust me, and he wasn’t exactly happy to see me.
That didn’t surprise me.
After a long moment of silence, he spoke. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah.” I stepped aside and allowed him entry into my apartment. I closed the door and locked it.
He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the ground for a moment. “I’ve given you plenty of alone time. Now I want to talk.”
“Okay…”
“Why did you run?”
“I…I don’t know.”
He studied my face, reading my expression. “I think you do.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
“Then or in general?”
“Both, I guess.”
“It shouldn’t be that surprising,” he said quietly. “I’ve known it for a while. I’m sorry you didn’t pick up on it.”
I crossed my arms over my chest because I didn’t know what else to do.
“Silke, it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way.” He never called me by my name. He always referred to me as Rose. “I just wish you hadn’t ran off like that. It didn’t feel good. It felt really shitty, actually.” Anger hummed in his voice.
“I know.” I felt terrible. “What I did was unacceptable. You’re right. I don’t have an excuse for it. I feel terrible for hurting you. I didn’t do it on purpose, but that doesn’t make it okay.”
He rubbed the back of his neck then returned his hand to his pocket. “I understand you not saying it back. I get that. But why did you run from me? You could have stayed and acted like a mature adult.”
“I know…like I said, I was scared. I wasn’t really thinking.”
He stared at me and didn’t seem satisfied with my answer.
I decided to be honest since Pike deserved nothing less. “I think I’m still in love with Arsen. When you said that…I thought of him and everything that happened between us. I recalled our memories and…I couldn’t get him out of my head. I guess I freaked out because I’ve been trying to forget him and he just won’t go away. You’re wonderful, Pike, and of course I care about you. But I guess nothing, even a perfect man, will get rid of him.”
Pike stared at the floor.
Pike was too good to be true, and he quickly became my best friend. My heart bled for him, and I’d take a bullet for him because I cared about him so much. So I had to do the right thing, putting him first. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore…”
He looked up and his eyes met mine. Pain and hurt were deep inside. “Why?”
“It’s not fair to you, Pike. I shouldn’t have dated you to begin with. I thought I was over Arsen at the time but how can I be when…I thought about him when you said that? You deserve someone so much better than me. I don’t want to waste any more of your time.”
He moved his hands back to his pockets. “I don’t agree.”
With what?
“Just because you thought about him when I said that to you doesn’t mean you’re still in love with him.”
“It doesn’t?” I asked in surprise.
“No. I think it’s natural to think about an old relationship, especially one that was so painful, when you’re in a new one. Me confessing my feelings made you realize that Arsen really is gone. He’s a distant memory now. And a part of you felt sad at that knowledge, as complicated as that sounds. Humans have complex human emotions. I think that was your final moment of closure, something you never thought you would have. And that scared you a little bit.”
I processed his words, trying to understand it. “But you could be wrong. And that’s not fair to you.”
He stared at me for a long time. “Even if I am, it doesn’t bother me.”
“What?”
“If you still have feelings for him, I’m okay with that. My ex and I have been broken up for a long time, but the night she got engaged, I felt a little sad. I didn’t want her back and I didn’t miss her, but it made me remember our relationship and the good times we had. It’s a natural feeling to have. It doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be with them again. In a way, you’ll always feel that way about Arsen. That’s perfectly normal.”
Maybe he was right. Maybe he was wrong.
“Let me ask you something,” he said. “If Arsen got out of prison and showed up on your doorstep, what would you do?”
“I…I don’t know.”
“Would you want him back? Would you want a guy who’s on parole for dealing drugs? Would you want to go back to a relationship that hurt you more than it gave you joy? When you looked at him, you would miss him. That’s perfectly normal. But you wouldn’t go back to him. Would you?”
As much as I loved Arsen, he had too many issues. I could never find happiness with someone that constantly held me back. Every time we became close, he would push me away. Spending years in prison would only make him more complicated. He was even less likely to give or receive love. My infatuation with him was inexplicable but it wasn’t really love. Love shouldn’t be painful like that. Every day with Pike, I was happy. He never hurt me or made things complicated. He just lived his life and lived in the moment. “No…”
“I knew that would be your answer. So Silke, it’s okay to feel these emotions. However, it’s not okay to take off like that. I’m very angry with you. I’ve spent all week trying to fight the pain you caused me. Being abandoned like that felt terrible. I had no idea what you were thinking or feeling. I wasn’t even sure if we were together anymore.”
He had every right to be mad at me. “What I did was wrong. You’re entitled to feel that way.”
He continued to stare at me.
“I’m sorry for my behavior. I won’t do it again. I just panicked…”
He nodded slightly.
“I never meant to hurt you and I’ll make sure I don’t do it again. It was immature and wrong. I really care about you and respect you. I would never hurt you on purpose.”
He came closer to me, the anger seeming to drop from his shoulder. “I forgive you, Rose.”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
His arms circled my waist and he kissed my forehead. “I didn’t mean to rush our relationship. I just said what was in my heart. You don’t have to say it back, not until you’re ready. I’m not in a hurry.”
“Okay…”
His fingers moved under my chin and he upturned my face, forcing me to look at him. “You can talk to me about anything. Romantic relationships aren’t just based on love, sex, and physical attraction. The primary foundation is friendship. If Arsen is on your mind or you’re confused, just talk to me. It won’t anger me or hurt my feelings. As long as you’re honest, I’ll be okay.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“And just because you don’t feel the same way yet doesn’t diminish how I feel for you. I don’t take back what I said.” He brushed his nose against mine. “If anything
, I think I love you more.”
Chapter Thirteen
Trinity
My life was a dark and twisted existence. Simple pleasures like laughter, hunger, and joy were lost. My sight was constantly blurry with tears, and I’d never been so dehydrated in my life. No amount of water I drank could replenish the loss of fluid through my tears.
Slade had been my entire life. Most of my free time was spent with him, and now I would give anything to experience a day with him again. I missed his kiss and his touch. I miss the way he used to tell me he loved me. I missed everything.
Countless times, I picked up my phone and wrote him a text message. But I always ended up deleting it and putting my phone away. I wanted to cave and just take him back. The longer we were apart, the less important marriage seemed. As long as I had him, what did it matter if we were married? I just wanted us to be together.
When these thoughts took me, I remembered why it was important to me. I wanted a husband and children someday. Slade would never give me that. And when he did offer to, hearing the struggle and defeat in his voice was a million times worse. Hearing him describe our marriage as a sacrifice and claiming he would “deal with it” just made it more painful. I wanted a man who wanted to marry me, not one who felt obligated to. That would just lead to an unstable marriage, one full of resentment and disappointed. If I went back to him and we never married, I would always resent him. And if he married me just to keep me around, he would resent me forever.
There was no winning for either of us.
I wanted avoid Slade forever but I knew I couldn’t do that. Being at the game with him was a lot harder than I thought it would be. There were countless times when I wanted to run to him and crawl into his lap. After the game when he cornered me and held me, I was unable to push him away. I gave in to a moment of weakness and clung to him in desperation. We were both hurting, barely able to function without the other. A month had come and gone, and I felt just as terrible as day one.
On Sunday, Skye had people over for the game. I preferred to stay home and Skye was forcing me to go. She said the best way to get over a relationship was to be active. Everyone else would be there, and it would remind me I wasn’t alone. Slade would probably be there, but I had to get used to the fact that he’ll always be in my life. There was no way around it.
I arrived late on purpose, wanting to be in her apartment for the least amount of time as possible when he was around. I stopped by the store and picked up some bean dip even though I suspected Skye would already have some. Then I knocked on the door, feeling my stomach fall.
Skye opened it. “Hey,” she said brightly. “You brought something. Thank you.” She took it off my hands. “You look pretty today.”
Skye babied me and threw me compliments left and right. She was like a personal cheerleader, always trying to get me to smile. “Thanks…”I wore a pink dress with white sandals. I hadn’t spent much time on my wardrobe because I didn’t care enough to. Now I just threw on whatever I could find.
Everyone was sitting on the couch, including Slade. His eyes watched me, and he didn’t hide his look.
I turned away and headed to the table, looking for something to munch on just so I had something to do. I hadn’t had an appetite all month, and as a result, I’d lost five pounds that I never wanted to lose. Now I was thinner than ever, practically boney. Even my boobs were smaller.
Slade came up behind me, and I knew he was there because of his smell. I could detect it anywhere, even in a crowded room. “Hey…”
I didn’t look at him. I pretended to be interested in the veggie platter.
“You look nice.”
“Thanks.”
He came closer to me, his arm almost touching mine. “Cayson said you quit your job.”
“Yeah, I did.” There was nothing else to stare at, so I looked at him. The second I did, I wished I didn’t. His blue eyes were brighter in his depression, and his lips fell in sadness. He seemed thinner, like he hadn’t been eating either. Tattoos lined his arms just like before, and never before had they looked so beautiful. I missed feeling his skin under my fingertips. I missed kissing his ink while he moved on top of me. An intense shock of longing washed over me.
“Why?” he asked quietly.
“My boss was getting on my nerves.”
“Are you okay…?” Concern was in his voice.
“I’m fine.”
“Cayson said you’re starting your own line now.”
“Yeah…”
“That’s really cool. I know it’s what you’ve always wanted.”
“Yeah…”
He stood beside me, clearly not knowing what else to say.
“How are you?”
“Miserable, Trinity.” His eyes fell in sadness as he said it. “Fucking miserable.”
This was dangerous territory. I kept my silence knowing any spoken words would make our meeting even worse. I turned away to head back to the couch.
He grabbed my wrist and kept me beside him. “Don’t do…just stand here with me.” Desperation was in his voice.
I obeyed his command and looked at him.
He stared back at me, taking in my features like he hadn’t seen me in years.
Everyone shouted as something happened in the game. They seemed to be unaware of our conversation or the intensity of it.
“You’re making this harder on both of us,” I whispered.
“I can’t be in the same room with you and not want you. That’ll never change, Trinity.”
I averted my gaze, unable to look at him.
He came closer to me then hooked his arm around my waist.
Weak, I let the affection continue. Moments like these made me want to give in and take him back. It made me forget why we were broken up to begin with.
He pulled me into his chest and held me close, his hands shaking as he did it. His forehead was pressed to mine and he breathed hard, like he was trying not to cry. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
He tightened his hold, having no intention of letting go.
“Trinity, can you help me with these dishes?” Skye said.
Her words broke our moment but Slade wouldn’t let go.
I wormed out of his grasp then followed Skye into the kitchen. “Thank you. I would have stood there all day…”
“I know it’s hard, Trinity. I got your back.”
I helped her put the dishes in the sink then grab new ones for the kitchen table. When we walked out, Slade was sitting beside Cayson, looking like he was physically in pain.
Everyone pretended not to pick up on the tension, but I knew they did.
I wanted to stick around and try to return to normalcy but that was becoming impossible. “I need to go, Skye.”
She gave me a sad look but didn’t argue with me. “Okay.”
I grabbed my purse and walked out, feeling Slade’s eyes drill into my back the entire time.
***
It was two in the morning, and I was sitting on my couch looking out the window. The infinite lights kept the city bright despite the departure of the sun. Unable to sleep or do anything else, I sat in the dark and thought about the man who held my heart in his hand.
A knock on the door didn’t make me flinch. I knew exactly who it was. He knocked quietly because he knew I was wide-awake, thinking about him just the way he was thinking about me.
I knew I shouldn’t answer the door. No good would come from it. I didn’t have the strength to resist him. I was going through withdrawals, barely able to breathe without him in my life. If I answered the door, I knew exactly what would happen.
He knocked again.
Hating myself for what I was about to do, I opened the door.
He stood on the other side, wearing exactly what he’d been wearing earlier. His eyes looked lidded and heavy, like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His eyes took me in, and they look desperate and empty.
I stared back, unsure what to say.
<
br /> Slade didn’t say anything at all. He stepped inside my apartment, uninvited, and then shut it and locked it behind him. Then he grabbed my face and kissed me hard on the mouth.
I immediately responded with the same passion. I clung to him and held on, loving the feel of his lips against mine. His hands moved around me, holding me closer to him. His kisses were purposeful and contained every ounce of love he had for me. He breathed hard, his hands shaking while he touched me.
I wanted this to last forever. Just a moment of respite from the pain was what I needed. If I continued this unbelievable torment, I would drown in my own misery. But then I remembered how much harder it would be if I let this happen. With all the strength I could muster, I pulled away and kept him off me. “Slade, go.”
“No.” His eyes coated with tears. “Just…please. I’m going crazy. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat.” He breathed hard like he was struggling, his head about to implode. “Just please. I need this.” His desperation leaked out of every pore. “Everything hurts and I need it to not hurt for just a little bit. If I don’t take a break, I think I might die. Please, Trinity. Just be with me, just for tonight. Please.”
That was unbelievably tempting. “But it’ll happen again…”
He ignored my comment. “Trinity, please.” He pressed his advantage again and kissed me. “I love you. I love you. Please. I love you. I need you.”
I couldn’t fight him anymore, and I kissed him back. “I love you too.”
He led me into my bedroom, still kissing me. Once I was on the bed, he pulled my clothes off and I undressed him at the same time. We were both shaking, needing each other like a drug.
Once we were naked, he inserted himself within me then released a shaky breath.
My legs wrapped around his waist and I dug my fingers into his hair. The moment felt so good. My heart didn’t hurt anymore. Just for a moment, I pretended we were together again. We were in love, and he was everything I wanted. I allowed myself to pretend a dream so I could function. The respite was what I needed in order to continue on.