I look around at all the people in our proximity. We’re not the first couple to go through chemo treatments and sadly, we won’t be the last, but I’m still shy about kissing him in front of everyone.
“Baby, it’s just you and me.” I nod and kiss him. It’s slow and sweet and far too romantic for a hospital room.
A whistle sounds behind us and Nurse Nancy clucks her tongue. “Oh, boy. Young love. We need some more of that around here.”
Maddox and I laugh and separate.
“What was that about?” Not that I mind kissing my boyfriend as much and as often as I can.
“Kissing stimulates twenty-nine muscles and chemicals that trigger relaxation.” I curl up into my chair once again with a smile on my face.
“Much better.” I go back to reading my baby book as we sit in cozy silence. We’re going to be visiting the hospital a lot more frequently these days between his cancer treatments and my appointments for the baby. Our first appointment is today, right after he finishes chemo and we’ll get to hear the heartbeat.
The long, painful minutes pass as we sit side by side. My anxiety heightens as the time passes and I think I’m bound to be a ball of nervous energy for the foreseeable future.
Not only am I worried about Maddox and his treatments, but now I have another life entirely to worry about and care for. Everything I do and think and feel and eat affects not only me but the baby as well. I’m not yet twenty years old and I have all these huge problems to take on. It’s overwhelming.
And yet if I knew…
If I knew Maddox was sick, I wouldn’t have let that change my mind. If I knew we were going to accidentally get pregnant while he’s getting relapsed cancer treatments, I still would’ve gone out with him. I’d still fall in love with him. My heart is fuller now than it’s ever been before and I don’t regret a single minute of us.
When his treatment ends, we have a moment to pause and breathe. We don’t run right to my appointment because I want to make sure Maddox is stable and feeling okay.
“Are you ready to go?” He nods and I take his hand, leading him to the OB wing. “Are you okay?”
“I’m nervous, but also excited.” His palm finds my belly and though concern fills his gaze, a genuine smile pulls at his gorgeous pink lips.
After getting into the room, the nurse asks me to undress from the waist down because the first ultrasound is internal, not a normal stomach one like you see on TV.
Dr. Walsh walks in wearing pink scrubs and a skeptical smile. “Carson, it’s good to see you.”
“Hi, Dr. Walsh. This is my boyfriend Maddox, the uh, the father.” My face burns and I would bet I’m tomato red right now.
We go through a myriad of tests, questions, and concerns until finally, it’s time for the ultrasound.
“It looks like you’re about eight weeks along.” She presses some buttons on the machine as I stare at the little blip that is my baby. Maddox kisses the back of my hand and the gesture makes tears spring to my eyes.
“Would you like to hear the heartbeat?” My nod is emphatic.
The whoosh of the machine clears, allowing us to experience the rapid flutter of our baby’s heartbeat loud and clear. I cover my mouth with my hand and tears fall over my cheeks. I look back at Maddox and a few stray tears fall over his cheeks as well.
Dr. Walsh must mistake our tears for ones of regret or sadness. She powers off the machine and folds her hands in her lap.
“Carson, I know you’re young, therefore I need to provide you with your options. You should understand what it means to keep the baby and sustain the pregnancy. Here are some pamphlets on all the different types of adoption and what it would mean for you and your partner. Lastly, here’s some information on terminating the pregnancy and resources on making that emotional decision as well as information on seeking help post-procedure.”
I know Maddox and I are a young couple, but I still can’t believe my ears and the audacity of this woman to assume what I’m going to do with my body and this new life.
“Dr. Walsh, you can keep your pamphlets. We are keeping this baby.” I raise my chin in defiance.
“Take them just in case. This is an emotional time and I want you to be over-prepared for every situation.” Her warm smile defuses my temper an ounce, but not fully.
“Thank you for your concern, but there is nothing that could happen that would make me give up this baby.” We leave and I take all the literature on prenatal vitamins and everything that doesn’t involve giving up my baby. We schedule the next appointment and as we’re leaving the office, a sense of déjà vu comes over me.
“Should we tell your parents first or mine?” Just like when we were moving in together, we need to tackle both our families and the repercussions our decision may bring.
Unfortunately, this time I doubt either set of parents will be happy with what we’ve decided.
Ten
Carson
“You’re what?” We thought it would be best to get our families together and tell everyone at the same time, but by my mother’s retort, I’m realizing that was a mistake.
“Pregnant. With child. Bun in the oven. The next star of teen mom.” My attitude is less than stellar to match their reaction.
“Carson, don’t be so glib.” My dad chastising me makes me feel about as big as Scott Lang in his Ant-Man suit.
My parents want to speak with me separately, and although I want to argue, based on the disapproval marring both of their faces, I don’t.
I notice Lucas lingering around, likely to offer my boyfriend some pot, but instead he offers me a small smile and I give him one in return. Before we came over here to tell everyone, I called Lucas and told him first. He was kind of my guinea pig and he was incredibly, shockingly, supportive. I owe him more than thinking he’s just some stoner kid.
“Sweetheart, don’t you think there are some things here to think about?” My parents don’t know yet that I’ve decided to take a step back from school, but they’re about to find out.
“Like what? You want me to terminate my pregnancy? You think I don’t realize that Maddox is sick and we’re so young and neither of us has a college degree? Do you think I don’t understand how difficult this will be and all the sacrifices I’ll have to make? Because I do. I’ve been making sacrifices my entire life, and I still wouldn’t change a minute of it. I gave up countless things when Lucas and Flynn came along, not least of which being your attention. Our home revolved around them. I gave up a social life to excel in school. Now I’ve given up school for this baby. I’d give up my life for this child and for him or her to have both parents around, but that’s not something I can control.
“I’m not acting glib. Nothing about this has been easy and I know it’s only the beginning. You two got married at twenty years old too, so why can’t I have a family young? I’m in love with Maddox, Mom, and I’m in love with our baby. Him being sick only makes me want this more.”
My hands rest on my belly, an absentminded move to protect what’s growing inside. I get choked up thinking about what could happen to Maddox. I know his illness is all too real, and I’m not stupid or ignorant, but my parents aren’t seeing the bigger picture.
What if Maddox does die and I went and killed his baby too? What if this child growing inside of me ends up being the last thing I have left to hold onto? Years down the road, I don’t want to live with any regrets, and I can’t imagine ever regretting the decision to keep this child. No matter what ‘setbacks’ he or she may cause.
But if something happens to Maddox and I terminate the pregnancy? I’d hate myself. I’d never forgive myself for that.
We’re two people who are madly in love and ended up creating a life. What isn’t there to celebrate?
My parents look at one another and they both turn to look at me, clarity coloring their gazes. Understanding dawns on them and both of their expressions soften. They come to me, surrounding me with their arms and their love.
I cry into their
chests, sad and happy tears mixing together over my reality. When they pull away, the tip of my mom’s nose is red and her eyes are rimmed in pink. Above all else, I know she’s happy for me if this is what I want. They both are.
“And to think you’re my responsible one. I’m scared of how many girls Lucas is going to knock up with how he goes on in the bathroom for hours.” My shakes his head and my mom shudders at the thought.
“Ew, Mom.” I wipe my tears and join the Ryan family in the living room.
Maddox’s parents, Scott and Melanie, are euphoric, seemingly having the same mindset as me where the baby is concerned. I’m glad I get along with his parents so well or entering into an eighteen year relationship with them could be horrifying. No matter what happens to Maddox and me, Mr. and Mrs. Ryan will always be the grandparents.
“Shall we celebrate?” my mom asks and the mood in the room lightens immensely.
“I could really go for some ice cream.” Cravings? Maybe. Truth be told I’ve always had quite the sweet tooth.
҉ ҉ ҉
As far as I know, Maddox’s cancer treatments are going well and I say that simply because I haven’t heard anything to the contrary. We both made the rather difficult decision to drop out of college for the time being. Him, because his treatments make him too sick to do anything. Me, because being pregnant and having a sick boyfriend slash baby daddy means I need a job stat.
Our parents offered to help us out with finances and babysitting, but being a young mother means our parents are still young too. They’re all still working and can’t be our full-time babysitting service. And from what I keep hearing, babies are expensive—insert eye roll here.
I took the first job I could find, which was as a barista at the local Starbucks. It’s minimum wage with long hours standing on my feet, but it’s a job and it’s a start.
“You know, you picked really horrible timing to get a job.” I laugh at Maddox’s statement considering there’s no better time for me to get a job in our situation.
“Ah yes, I could see it now. You, me, and baby out on the streets. What a dream.” I wipe down his forehead with a moist washcloth. He’s lying on the couch because he’s been getting sick all day.
“First of all, our parents would never let us be homeless. I think my parents are already converting the spare bedroom into a nursery. What I mean is, your birthday is next weekend and now my big plans are going to shit.” I’ve told him countless times that I can’t take off work next weekend and he’s been a sourpuss about it ever since.
“What did you have planned for me anyway?” All his excitement over planning it breaks my heart that I won’t be able to see it through.
“A quick flight to Paris where I was going to propose to you on top of the Eiffel Tower. Followed by a spa day, shopping, hopping all through Europe and flying home after ten days of bliss. You know, nothing out of the ordinary.”
“Well, there’s always next year.” His tight smile would speak volumes if he didn’t follow it up by puking. My heart hurts seeing him this way and I wish there was something I could do to help him.
God, cancer fucking sucks.
҉ ҉ ҉
Our families come over to celebrate my birthday. Lucas continues to offer Maddox weed to help with the nausea, and at this point, I almost hope he takes it. Flynn has formed a comfortable bond with him too, which is shocking in itself, though she still tends to be rude, Maddox finds it endearing. He claims her disdain is better than indifference and it means she likes him. I’ll take his word for it.
The low key party is exactly what I need for my high key life. Both Maddox and I alternate hovering over the toilet with nausea, which doesn’t make for the most romantic home life. Part of me wishes someone got us a maid or a chef for my birthday.
Instead, Maddox surprises me with this gorgeous camera that probably is way too expensive for us to afford, but I’m going to be selfish for once and keep it.
Our parents have used my birthday to start baby shopping, and I’m grateful, though it’s still so early. I’m also glad we had the foresight to pick a two bedroom apartment instead of the one bedroom we originally looked at.
The space is already filling up with gender neutral baby clothes, blankets, bibs, and other essentials. We’re waiting to decorate until we find out the sex, and I’m hoping I have a little boy just like Maddox, but he wants a little girl just like me.
Although a proposal in Paris would’ve been bigger and better than anything I could dream up, I’m beyond indebted to all these people in my family. This life is nothing like I would’ve imagined, and it’s everything I didn’t know I wanted.
Eleven
Carson
“Do you want to know the sex?” The doctor is smiling and I look toward my boyfriend.
“I’d like to wait. I want one of those cakes where we cut into it and see pink or blue.” I hope that’s okay with him. I know he was excited to find out.
“Whatever you want, baby.” Maddox kisses my hand and the doctor prints out our ultrasound. Neither one of us can tell from looking at it what the sex is, anyway, and I’m already making plans to purchase a baby book to put this ultrasound in.
“This envelope has a paper inside with the sex of your baby written on it. Just take it to your bakery and they’ll know what to do. Congratulations, both of you.” We thank her and get ready to leave.
I’m about halfway through my pregnancy and after this appointment, we head to get the results of Maddox’s latest scans. Nerves don’t begin to cover what we’re feeling right now.
The walk to the oncology wing is silent. We’re going from the happiest moment of our lives to hopefully more happiness. I need good news and maybe putting that thought out into the environment will help make my prayers come true.
We find his parents in the waiting room and we hug them in turn.
“Is it a boy or a girl?” His parents may be more eager to find out than we are.
“We didn’t find out. Although there’s still a five percent chance the doctor got the sex wrong, so we’ll have to wait until the birth either way.” Maddox loves supplying fun facts about babies now more than ever. But I can’t forget his fact about babies is how we met in the first place. It’s like this journey for us has always been meant to be.
“We’ll find out soon enough. Even if it is with only ninety-five percent accuracy.” Once we get the good news we’ll be able to plan our gender reveal. I don’t want to have a party or anything that outrageous, but I want to announce it in a fun way.
Our moods shift as we head back to the doctor’s office to receive the results. The ticking of the clock on the wall is irritating and amplifying my anxiety. I want to smash it so I don’t have to listen to each second pass.
When. Dr. Kalinsky walks in his face makes my heart drop to the floor. I want to squeeze my boyfriend’s hand in fear and hope, but I don’t want to upset him. We’re in this together no matter what.
“Maddox I’m sorry to tell you that I don’t come here with good news today.” My heart is thumping in my chest so loudly I can barely hear the words Dr. Kalinsky is saying. The blood thrums through my ears and I want to tell it to pipe down because I need to hear this even if I don’t want to.
“It seems your cancer has stopped responding to treatment. Not only that, but it’s gotten rather aggressive. The lymphoma has spread and without equally aggressive treatment, you’re looking at three to six months…” My brain shuts off because the words the doctor is saying is too much to bear.
Science and technology have made such strides. There has to be something they can do; I believe that. He’s going to be okay. We’re going to continue to fight this because there’s no other option.
We’re having a baby. I can’t do this without him. I can’t even consider it as an option.
My tears fall harder as the minutes pass. I can’t make out Dr. Kalinsky’s face anymore or the pity that is plastered all over it. I hate that Maddox sees me this way. I d
on’t want him to think I’m giving up on him or us. I want to be strong for him, but I can’t help the fear coursing through my veins like a wildfire.
Possibly the hardest pill to swallow is the knowledge that Maddox was ready to give up before. He didn’t want to go through another round of chemo, but he fought for us. For our family and our baby. And now…
No. I won’t go there.
I don’t hear anything being said in the doctor’s office and then all I feel is my boyfriend’s hand on my arm, pulling me up so we can leave.
The day went from euphoria to shit faster than imaginable. The ride home is silent aside from my sniffles and Maddox has to be the one to drive home because I can’t see through my cloudy eyes.
“What do you want for dinner tonight?” Maddox asks after we get home. I brace one hand on our kitchen counter and the other on my baby bump.
I throw my purse on the table and the envelope for the cake bakers falls onto the counter. I stare at it for a minute before speaking. “We can’t ignore what just happened. Well, maybe you can, but I can’t.”
“You think I’m ignoring my cancer? I’m not, Carson, I’m fucking losing to it. I can’t ignore that. I can’t keep suffering through life feeling worthless and useless and like utter shit. I’m sick and sore every single day and for what? It’s not working. I’m dying. I can’t stop that.”
“But if you do the treatments—”
“The experimental treatments and drugs to make me a fucking guinea pig so they can at least say they tried when I still die anyway? God, do you think I want to die? Do you think I want any of this? When I was diagnosed with lymphoma, they told me it was the best case scenario. It was rare for someone my age, but it had a great survival rate and it was slow growing. The doctor was glowing like it was good news. That’s why I still pursued you. When I saw this gorgeous, quiet girl in my class, I couldn’t not talk to you. I thought we’d have more time. I thought I’d get cured. I didn’t expect a baby and I didn’t expect to have three months to live. Three months, Carson. I’m not—I’m not going to meet our baby.”
Selfless (A Carolina Coastal Novel Book 1) Page 5