Selfless (A Carolina Coastal Novel Book 1)

by Kelsey Cheyenne

  “I’m ready to go!”

  My in-laws are happy we’re back, but their smiles are forced.

  “Let’s go, sweetheart.” My mother-in-law reaches for Ava’s hand, but she stops her. First, she runs over to me and after we hug she runs right into Wren’s arms, much to my in-laws’ dismay.

  With a look of pure disapproval, they leave and I sag against the door after closing it.

  “I’m sorry about that.” I don’t want to look at Wren to see the hurt written on his face. I froze and the entire interaction was a disaster.

  “Carson, listen to me. That is one thing you do not need to apologize for. Their actions are on them, not you.”

  “Wait, what are you talking about?” His face freezes and he grimaces.

  “I thought you overheard them…”

  “Oh my God. What did they say to you?” My hands find my face as horror courses through my veins.

  “They thought it was inappropriate to introduce Ava to another man and wanted to know my intentions as if I’m dating your daughter and not you.” He shudders. “They said they were going to talk to you about it next.”

  “Wonderful. Well, truth be told, I probably should’ve told them. I just didn’t know what to say or how to bring it up, you know? It’s awkward. They’re Ava’s grandparents and I’ll never keep her from them. She’s the last connection to their son that they have. But I am sorry they said anything to you. I’ll talk to them.” He follows me back to the table so I can finish my cheesecake.

  “What do you plan to tell them?” He’s fishing for information and this is the perfect opportunity to make a small dent in salvaging this night.

  I make sure to look my boyfriend in the eye as I say this to him. “I’m going to tell them that you’re my boyfriend and you’re going to be in Ava’s and my life. Because I really, really like you and I’m ready for people to know about us. I’m ready to take this step.” I smile, but he doesn’t say anything. “If that’s what you want, anyway.”

  “My other girlfriend won’t be happy about it, but I’ll ask her when I take her cheesecake next week.” He’s laughing at me.

  I smack his arm.

  “Shut up.” I lean in and give him a kiss, one with meaning and feeling and future promises. “Since you’re here now, wanna make out?”

  He laughs and I blush. “Are we in high school?” I don’t think he means it to hurt me, but I get embarrassed anyway.

  “I didn’t have a normal college experience relationship-wise and I didn’t date in high school. So, yeah, I am kind of eighteen where dating is involved.” I shrug as if to say, take it or leave it.

  He stands and offers me his hand. “Then I guess we’re making out.”

  Twenty-Nine

  Carson

  “I guess this means you’re done dodging my calls?” I’ve been ignoring so many people these days, it’s hard to keep track. This time, however, it’s my brother I’m dealing with.

  “Get over your dramatics, Lucas. I already got shit from Meg about your date.” Forcing the two of them on a blind date didn’t go over so well.

  “It was like kissing my sister—like kissing you.” He audibly shudders on the line.

  “Wait, you two kissed?” Why didn’t Meghan tell me this?

  “Of course we kissed. I never end a date without one.” Gag me. “You’re never setting me up on a date again, by the way. It’s a waste of time when I’m not going to get laid at the end of it.”

  “Ew, Luke, my ears.”

  “You’re the one with the kid.”

  “That doesn’t mean I pass along the salacious details of my relationships.” Not that I have anything to pass along, but he doesn’t know that, nor will he ever become aware of that.

  “Seriously, Sis, what the hell were you thinking? Me and Meg? No way.”

  “Why not? You’re both single. She’s smart and gorgeous and I thought you always had a thing for her. Since she’s my best friend, it is kind of a big cliché, after all.” Hollywood thrives off of it. I just assumed my brother would too.

  “Sure, she’s hot, but I’m in college. I’m not trying to date anyone.”

  “Duly noted. Are you pissed at me?”

  “No, I’m just busting your balls. It’s what brothers do.”

  We chat for another five minutes before hanging up. He has to get back to school since the campus is reopening and my in-laws should be here to drop off Ava at any minute. I’m not looking forward to that conversation in the slightest.

  I pace around my house, fidgeting and half-heartedly packing more of my things for the move. The proverbial shoe drops with an iron fist pounding on the door. It’s like I can see my final moments of peace flashing before my eyes.

  “Mommy!” I hug my baby girl, lifting her in the air as I stand.

  “How was Grammy’s house?” I smile at Melanie and invite her inside, taking my daughter’s luggage out of her hands.

  Ava starts to ramble about all the fun stuff they did and all the junk food she was infuriatingly allowed to eat. Somehow, I think dealing with the in-laws is more difficult with Maddox gone. I can’t argue with them or make any demands because they’re going to be grieving for the rest of their lives. I don’t have Maddox here to back me up or to deal with his parents himself. I have to constantly play nice, and sometimes it’s exhausting.

  “Carson, I wanted to speak with you.” Her lips are pulled into a tight line and disdain colors her tone.

  “Sweetheart, go play in your room for a while, okay? Your dolls told me they missed you.” She runs along and I clasp my hands in front of me as I face my mother-in-law.

  “Wren already told me you were coming here to yell at me.”

  “I’m not here to yell at you, Carson. I’m here to talk some sense into you. How can you be so cavalier about this? Ava is a child. She’s impressionable. You can’t bring all these strange men around her.”

  “All these men? It’s been one man. In five years, Melanie. I have been anything but cavalier about this decision. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Do you honestly believe Maddox would want you dating? That he’d want his daughter around strangers?” She’s shaking she’s so angry despite her voice cracking over her son’s name.

  “Yes, I do. Because he was a good, honorable man and when he told me he’d want me to be happy, I believed him. I’d never have wanted him to sit around alone for the rest of his life if the roles were reversed. I’d want my daughter to have a mother-figure in her life.”

  “You don’t think Ava has father-figures in her life? What about Scott or your father? You’re standing here, insulting them right in front of me.”

  “And you’re here insulting me and my parenting decisions. Ava is my daughter and that means I get to make the decisions. I get to decide who is in her life, not you. I am dating Wren and he’s going to be around from now on. You either need to decide if you’re okay with that or if you’d rather stop seeing your grandchild. But that’s your call, Melanie. Don’t pin this on me.”

  I guess I’m not playing so nice anymore after all.

  Mrs. Ryan looks like I slapped her and for a split second, a part of me fears she’s going to take the bait and cut herself out of Ava’s life for good. I soften my approach in an attempt to get through to her.

  “Look, since Wren told me about your conversation with him, I’ve thought it over. I’ve thought about breaking up with him countless times for various reasons, mainly because I couldn’t imagine spending my life with anyone but Maddox. But he’s gone. Wren makes me happy and more than that, he makes Ava happy. I’m not taking any of this lightly, I promise you that.” I let my words sink in and then continue. “What if the roles were reversed and Maddox were still here? Would you want him being alone for the rest of his life? Or would you want him to get another chance at finding love?” A part of me breaks as her eyes start to water.

  “I’m sorry, Carson. It’s just…he should be here.”

>   “I know.” I hug her and I hope this is a hurdle we never have to revisit. “I want you in Ava’s life. She adores you guys, but I need to try to find happiness too. I hope you can understand that because I plan for you guys to stay a big part in my daughter’s life.”

  “It will be hard because I love you and I wish you could still be with my son. But I’ll do my best.”

  I invite her to stay for dinner but she has to go home to cook for Scott. We hug goodbye and she squeezes Ava extra tight. At least that’s over with.

  With everything going on lately, I feel like I haven’t had quality time with my daughter and I miss that. I don’t want her to ever think I’m neglecting her.

  I decide to take her to her favorite restaurant—Chick-fil-A. She can have as many nuggets as her little heart desires. Then we splurge at the mall where I take her back to school shopping. She’ll be entering kindergarten this year and she’s young enough to still be fascinated and excited by school. She really is my kid.

  She picks a backpack with Merida on it because she’s obsessed with her red hair. My stomach drops when I realize this makes me first think of Wren, because of the doll he bought her and not Maddox, her father with the same auburn mop.

  I lift my eyes up to the ceiling in silent prayer. I’m sorry. I still love you. I won’t let her forget you.

  In the same instant, goosebumps pebble my arms as chills run down my back. He knows and he’s here watching over us. I just know it.

  “Mommy, when will we see Wren again?” Ava tugs on my hand with a little smile on her pink lips.

  “You like him, don’t you?”

  “He brings me toys and he makes you smile.”

  “Yes, he does, sweetheart. We’ll see him soon, I’m sure.”

  The conversation is halted when she sees a dress with a sparkly purple unicorn on the front.

  We drive home and as we get through the door, my phone rings. Ava darts into her room with her new toys and clothes as I dig the device out of the bottom of my oversized purse.

  “Hey, I was just thinking about you.”

  “I’m happy to hear that.” The deep voice greets me and though his words say one thing, his tone says another.

  “Wren, what is it?” I have a feeling the good day I was having is about to go to utter crap.

  His heavy sigh presses a weight down on my shoulders. This could only mean one thing. “Construction has been pushed back about six months. There were some issues we couldn’t see from the outside that they need to take care of.”

  What am I going to do? I only have the apartment until mid-December. I’m going to have to move back home with my daughter. And Flynn. Oh, my God I can’t live with Flynn again.

  “I’m sorry, Carson.”

  “It’s not your fault. I just have some things to figure out.”

  “Do you want me to come over?” No. Yes. He shouldn’t. I don’t want him to see me panic. My silence must sell me out. “It’s just a question, Carson, nothing more.”

  “Yes, I’d appreciate that, if you don’t mind.”

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  Thirty

  Carson

  “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t accept.” My plan to not panic in front of my boyfriend didn’t exactly go as planned. As soon as he walked through my door, the emotional part of my brain kicked into overdrive.

  Part of the reason I’m so upset about the construction setback has nothing to do with the new house at all. I can’t deny that I’m upset about leaving this apartment and all the memories I have here. Not just with Maddox, but with Ava too.

  She crawled here for the first time and took her first steps. She said her first word—mama—when I got her out of her crib one early morning. We watched classic Disney movie marathons and had her first birthday here. There are countless memories within these halls…

  …and yes, of course, a part of me is upset about leaving the memory of Maddox behind in this apartment. It’s where we started our life together, but it’s also where things ended. It’s where we made Ava and fell deep into love.

  Yet, these four walls carry many bad memories too. All the fights and the crying. The sickness. When I came home without him that first time he was in the hospital. And when I came home without him…for good.

  I can’t imagine leaving this place, but I know it’s time. I’m not looking forward to moving back in with my parents and my little sister, but what choice do I have?

  Oh, right. Back to Wren’s ridiculous proposition.

  “Why can’t you accept my offer? It’s nothing more than a place to live.”

  “Wren, I can’t live with you. Not even for a couple of months while my house is under construction. What impression would that give my daughter? She’s already over-attached to you.”

  I can see him conceding and starting to agree with me. “I understand. But I hope you know I meant it and the offer stands. If you need me, just let me know. I’m here for you—for both of you.” His lips graze the top of my head. “For the record, I’m pretty attached to that kid too. She’s pretty cool, as far as kids go.”

  I laugh at his words and swoon at his crooked grin. “Yeah, she’s alright.”

  ҉ ҉ ҉

  The next several weeks pass in a blur. My apartment is almost empty as my parents have helped to move Ava’s and my stuff back into my old room. They’re here helping me pack some more, but they’re about to head out for the night.

  “Hey, Mom?” I call down the hallway as I stand in my bedroom.

  “Do you mind taking Ava for the night and setting her up in the house awhile?”

  I still have the apartment for a couple more weeks, but I want to get adjusted sooner rather than later. My daughter’s already been through a ton of changes lately since she went back to school; I feel bad moving her around so much in these next few weeks. She deserves some stability.

  “Sure, honey. Is something wrong?” My mom comes in my room and sees what I’m staring at. Her hand finds mine and wraps around my fingers, squeezing them in silent solidarity.

  “I’m here if you need me.” She hugs me and I swallow down my tears.

  There’s one box left in my closet. The one with my name on it, written in Maddox’s boyish slant. As much as I want to postpone the inevitable longer by shipping it to my parents’ house and dealing with it later, I can’t anymore. This feels like something I have to do here in our apartment.

  I walk to the closet and crouch down, pulling the box toward me with shaking hands. I take a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm my nerves. My eyes are burning before I pull open the top. For some stupid reason, I thought this would be easier now that I’ve moved on, but I couldn’t be more wrong.

  I pinch my eyes shut and take several deep breaths. I count to sixty once. And then again. And a few more times for good measure, but I can’t delay it anymore. When I open my eyes, I pull open the flaps of the big brown box.

  Sitting on top is a pair of envelopes with Maddox’s scrawl on the front. One has my name on it, but the other is labeled for our daughter on her wedding day. That makes the tears start to fall immediately.

  I wipe them away before reaching for the envelope. I don’t want to smudge the writing with my waterworks, though it’s bound to happen either way. With shaky hands and my heart in my throat, I tear open the envelope to read the words of my late love.

  ҉ ҉ ҉

  Maddox

  Dear Carson,

  Did you know there are some living people who believe they are dead because of something called Cotard’s Syndrome? I’m sorry if it’s too soon to joke about death. I’m hoping it makes you laugh and lightens the mood or that you waited a while to read this letter and allowed time to heal your wounds.

  I already know that leaving you and our daughter behind is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. I’m trying to hold on a little while longer, long enough to meet her, but if I don’t, I know you’ll make sure she knows me. You’re already an amazing
mom, Carson, and I pray I’ll get to experience it with you firsthand.

  Either way, I’ll be watching over you. I know that sounds corny. But God sent me an angel when he sent me you and now it’s my turn to be your angel. You saved me, Carson. You and our daughter. If not for you, I probably would’ve kicked the bucket long before now, but you gave me a reason to hope and now it’s my turn.

  I hope you’re happy. I hope you’ve found love and someone who will cherish you just as I did, someone who will love our daughter like his own. The last thing I want is you to be alone, but I know you. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met and I bet you’re afraid to replace me.

  Carson, you’re not replacing me. I know that and you should too. But you deserve to find love again and our daughter deserves a father figure in her life. You both deserve the world and I’m happy I was able to be a part of it for a short amount of time.

  I’m sorry we never made it to Paris and I didn’t get to propose to you at the top of the Eiffel Tower like two cliché tourists. You deserve an extraordinary life, and if I’m not there to give it to you, I hope someone does.

  I love you with all the energy I have left. Give our daughter a kiss for me and hey, maybe take her to Paris someday.

  Love always,

  Maddox

  ҉ ҉ ҉

  Carson

  Tears cascade down my cheeks in thick, heavy waves and sobs shake my core. I lie on the floor, clutching the letter to my chest as I wait for the worst of it to pass. After several minutes and many deep breaths, the tears slow. I’m afraid to look at what’s in the rest of the box since this letter already destroyed me.

  I sit up to separate the pages and put them back in order when I realize there’s more here than just the letter. Folded up behind the notebook pages are two printed airplane tickets for Paris, France, purchased before we knew I was pregnant.

  I guess he did have the plan all along.

  The sobs come back full force as the reality hits me. Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer so fucking hard.