Er.
“I thought all shifters are like…”
“Loving? Oh, dear girl, how naïve you are. I had an arranged mating, as most elite females do in this pack, and Damon was, well, shall we say quite the catch! I was pleased as pie to be mating him, even deluded myself into believing that I loved the wretch. I learned differently, very quickly.”
“He’d, hurt you all?” I ask, gulping when my eyes burn with tears.
“Don’t cry. And stop frowning. It brings on wrinkles. You humans age way too rapidly, and I’d lay odds—Fated or not—that male won’t find you so attractive once you start looking like more of a wash lady. And yes, he hurt us, but the alternative, losing the children was far worse than the occasional beating. I learned to distract him with sex, so more often than not, I was under the great grunting oaf to give the children a break from him.”
“Um, that sucks?”
“Quite, but it was necessary, and well, I thought that at least the little things could go out and make friends if he wasn’t so focused on them. That lasted about as long as it took him to look at another female, and so I lost my advantage. I used to pour pure alcohol in his drink though to make him pass out. Would that it had killed him? It’s done now though, but you see, love doesn’t mean anything, not if what you love hurts you. Trust me, child, life trumps all. There is no coming back from death.”
“Hannah says that all the time,” I tell her, wiping at my wet eyes because I feel awful for her, and them, and me.
Some of what she’s saying is all true, and yet I can’t let it be. Life without Banner? Not possible.
“Perhaps because it’s the only thing I taught the girl she actually took in,” she says with a sniff, unfolding her paper. “Off with you then. I have much better things to do than talk to you, girl.”
Grinning, I skip off to the kitchen and spend my time cleaning, feeling revived and the better for it. By the time I make it to Blain’s office to clean up his messy desk, I feel almost good, a lot better than I did when I got to work I tell ya.
It’s while I’m pushing a stack of papers together that I spot something on the floor and lean down to pick it up, my eyes going wide when I realize what it is.
I’ve been Hannah’s friend for a while, and she’s a sharer, as is Banner, who discuses enforcer business with me and gets my opinion on them all. I know all about the resistance and the council and plots within the pack to unseat Nick. I know about how some bad guy was trying to create a scentless army of soldiers to police all packs and get them to follow laws set out by some elitist idiot who doesn’t believe in polluting breed with breed or shifter with human.
I know it all. I’ve even seen a copy of the formula Banner has been working on with Althea because he’s working some case to find answers and destroy the resistance.
I know what I’m looking at, but as I stare at it, taking the ramifications of it all, I can hardly believe it. I don’t want to believe it. Blain, my buddy, has a formula that no one outside of Nick, Althea, or the Kilter brothers should have.
This can really only mean one thing. I want to find an excuse, tell myself that there is no way, but I can’t. Blain is a bad guy, a villain. The guy who I see as my friend, and yet I can’t because he’s got this formula and that can only mean—
“There you are! What are you doing? Never mind, Kepner. How are you feeling today? Did you eat something? Mother says she made you tea. I hope it revived you.”
I gasp, turning with wide eyes when Blain walks into the office and stops, his eyes narrowed on me and the hand that is still holding the piece of paper.
I gulp, trying to make myself look less guilty, but I don’t have a knack for it since I am guilty. Guilty of snooping.
“Uh, yeah! Yeah, she uh, gave me tea, and it uh, made me feel better,” I chirp. “I was just leaving? I should go and…polish the silver. Or something. I thought you were going to be away, longer. Yeah. Is it hot in here? I think it’s hot. I should go open some windows.”
Blain frowns and then strides over when I don’t move because I can’t. I feel rooted to the spot, and I’m sweating like a pig by the time he stops in front of me, reaches out slowly, and removes the scrap of paper from my hand.
I gulp again, loudly, my chest rising with shallow, panting huffs, as he looks down at the paper, back up at me, and shakes his head, sighing out a breath.
“What’s this you have, Kepner?”
“Garbage?” I say hopefully, sliding to the side and squaring my shoulders with effort. “You should really be tidier if you’re supposed to be some higher up in this pack. Cleaning up in here is all fine and well, but if I don’t know what anything is, how should I know what needs tossing or not?”
Good. Good job, I think when he looks back at me, frowning and then grins as if relieved.
“Quite right! I will keep my work space tidier, Kepner. No sense in you throwing things away that could be important. Run along, female. I have something to do.”
I breathe a huge sigh of relief, my legs trembling when I walk out of the office with a sinking fear in my gut. Oh God, did he believe me? I suck at lying. I don’t want to have to lie to him, but this isn’t something I can keep to myself.
Or can’t I? Banner says the resistance is all but done. They’re only investigating it still so that they can find the other scentless, the bad ones, and do something about them once and for all.
It’s over, Cass. No sense in stirring up something you don’t understand. Blain is your friend. He’s a good guy. He acts as if he doesn’t like you, but just look at the way he’s been putting his clothes in the hamper in the bathroom and not peeing on the toilet seat.
That’s thoughtful. A thoughtful guy would not be involved in a conspiracy against all shifter kind. No, that is true. He can’t be involved.
Phew! I feel better once I have that settled and find myself humming for the rest of the day, even while I try to ignore the little voice inside me that insists I have to tell someone what I just saw.
Shoot!
*******************************************************************
“Why aren’t you coming over?”
I huff when Banner growls the words at me, my shoulders slumping when I hear the hurt in his voice and feel awful for making him feel that way.
“Ban, I’m just tired tonight is all. I worked later than I expected because Blain kept throwing work at me at the last minute and insisting I had to get it done. Trust me, what I feel right now would not be about sex.”
“Then we won’t have sex! I don’t just want you here to fuck, Cass. We’re together. In a relationship, because you said you needed time to get to know me. You know me. You belong with me permanently, and I don’t understand why you keep pushing closer and then pulling away.”
Throwing my purse onto the kitchen counter, I reach into the fridge for the bottle of wine I put in there weeks ago but never opened. I open it now, the phone cradled between my ear and shoulder and drink straight from the bottle to calm my nerves.
One, I don’t want to test my theory about how Banner is my Kryptonite. Not tonight when I feel unsettled as it is and everything has been tightening in me all day.
I’d end up basing my decisions on my mood, and my mood is not good. It sounds unbelievable but yes, I can have an off mood because sometimes you can’t silver line it all.
I think I was totally wrong about Blain being the good guy. The longer I stayed at work with him watching me, the more creeped out I became until it hit me; he’s watching me.
He knows that I know, but doesn’t know if I know-know what I found, so he’s as unsure of what to do as I am.
“Preza, are you even hearing me?” he yells, the stress of today and his yelling and the fear in me that he’s what I can’t have all coalescing into this explosion that I can’t control anymore.
“Yes! Yes, I am but I can’t. I can’t listen to all of this because you make me want things I can’t have Banner. You make me want
to be with you forever and have babies and love and all that stuff when I can’t have it!” I yell, my eyes burning with tears.
“What the fuck are you talking about! Of course, you can have it. We’re Fated, goddammit. You belong to me and I belong to you and this is where you should be. You’re doing better. In a while Althea will find the answers and we can get mated and I’ll blood you and complete the Fating.”
“No, you can’t! Because it isn’t better, Banner. I am not better. I woke up this morning, and I was so sick I barely got out of the house before collapsing. Don’t you see! It’s us, being together, it’s making me sick. The more time we spend together, the worse it gets, and as much as I want to deny it, I can’t anymore. You and me, we can’t be. I need to stop dreaming about you and a life with you because you’re what’s killing me!” I scream, falling to my knees with tears pouring forth.
I hear the silence, his indrawn breath of pain and feel my heart shatter into a million tiny shards of pain.
“Cass—”
“This can’t be anything anymore, Banner. I’ve tried to deny it to myself and pretend it isn’t true, but I can’t do it anymore. The more I want you, the more I’m around you, the worse it gets. I’m sick all the time, but when we’re apart it goes away. Don’t you see? Even if we love each other, it doesn’t matter. Love can’t save me, Banner, and it can’t save us. You need to move on before we get too deep. I don’t want you to hurt, and I can’t let you hurt me anymore,” I say harshly, the tightness in my throat getting worse.
He whines, a sound I don’t think he’s aware of making and something inside me, deep inside me whines as well. I feel it, desperately trying to make me stop, clawing at my mind, and yet I can’t listen because I can’t fall anymore in love with him than I already am.
I want him to move on before he gets too deep and ends up like Lync. I don’t want that for Banner, and if breaking things off is the only way, then that is exactly what I’ll do.
I’m going to leave here, just go and maybe try to get better somewhere where I can’t see him and convince myself it isn’t him. Maybe, maybe, I can get over this and come back one day and things can work out. Right now though, it’s not happening, and I’d rather hurt me now than hurt me more if things don’t get better.
Banner deserves a chance to get past me, and I will give him that because I love him. If this kills me, at least I know I loved him enough not to take his last hope at life away. He’ll hurt, but without the bond, maybe if he hates me he won’t go feral.
It’s all I have and a million times better than making the man I love watch me slowly fade away.
“Cass—”
I hear the plea in his voice, the pain, the naked need for me, and harden my heart against it, praying that I can do this without breaking.
“I’m not doing this anymore. You have to let this go. Goodbye, Banner.”
Ending the call, I let my head fall to the floor, my chest burning as I cry silently and try not to pick up the phone and call him back. I need to do this. Rising, my heart aching, I walk to the bedroom and pull the suitcase Hannah bought me from under the bed.
Every article of clothing I pack is like a nail driving into me, but I keep going until everything I own is in one case. When that’s done, I grab my purse and haul the case to the living room, trying to think of a way to leave without my car that is still not fixed and no one spotting me.
Not coming up with any bright ideas, I almost scream my head off when the door bursts open and Julia rushes in.
“We need to go. Now. Oh God, I should have told them the truth weeks ago, and now it’s too late. Please Cass, we need—”
I’m trying to figure out what is happening and stop the pounding of my heart when Julia is grabbed from behind by a big man with a scary, very scary expression on his face.
About to scream because now I am so totally screaming like a banshee in the hope that someone hears me, the sound dies in my throat when Blain walks in and everything inside me goes cold.
“You two have really become a big problem for me.”
Chapter Twenty-one
Cass
“Let go of me you, you big bully!” I scream, kicking against the huge man who has my back pinned against his chest as he wrestles me down to the basement without breaking even a little bit of a sweat.
I’m so feeble and ineffectual against his strength and size that I hurt myself more than I hurt him, my struggles draining me enough that I can’t stop myself from falling when he throws me down into a cage and slams the door closed.
My arm hits at an awkward angle, pain shooting up from my wrist, and now I do scream, whimpers escaping me when I clutch the arm instinctively and pain shoots through it.
“You piece of shit! You fucking lousy, evil, no good asshole. Let us go. Let me out of here. I’ll kill you.”
Julia keeps screaming and shoving herself against the cage doors, her naked body falling into a slump when the basement door closes sealing us in complete darkness.
When Blain and his thugs, who I now know are the scentless, burst in behind Julia she shifted and tried to bite them. She tried do something to get us free, but the one nearest her simply kicked out, sending her sailing into a wall where she slumped and fell into a semi-state of consciousness.
I screamed my head off for no more than a second before Blain grabbed me and shoved a hand over my mouth. Julia shifted back to skin while unconscious but stayed in a stupor for so long we were already at Blain’s before she came around enough to fight.
As our only hope, because I’m pretty much useless in these types of situations, we were basically shit out of luck by the time she came around. I tried reasoning with him, playing dumb and making out as if I don’t understand what’s going on, but the man just smiled ruefully, shook his head and tsked me before patting me on the head.
And now, I am here. Trapped. Kidnapped. Plus, those animals took my bags, so if Banner just happens to pop on by, or if anyone realizes I’m missing, the probability is that they’ll assume I split, left town, went on the run from my lovesick, disease-causing mate.
After a long silence, in which I have to pretend that my arm is not killing me, I see Julia finally rise and walk over to where our cages are separated by the same bars, her blue eyes gleaming with unholy rage before she breathes deeply and tries for a smile.
“You okay?”
I hold up my arm where my wrist is pounding and swelling and shake my head.
“I think it’s broken.”
“Motherfucking ASSHOLE! Your beasts broke her wrist! Get your pansy ass down here Blain and face me.”
I don’t pay much heed to her yelling because I’m busy taking off the t-shirt I put on over a tank this morning, a habit I got into when I started hormonal sweating a few weeks ago and I wanted to have an extra absorption layer to stop from getting pit stains in front of Blain. Fastidious idiot!
I don’t mean that. He’s really smart. Oh lord, I really need to work on myself if I’m going to get kidnapped. Defending my abductor is not cool. Even I know that.
“Here, I’ve taken to wearing Banner’s shirts lately since the hormone flooding started. It should cover the important parts,” I say, handing her the shirt with a wince when my wrist pulses a shot of pain through me.
“Thanks. Shit! I am so sorry about all this, Cass. I ran as fast as I could when I snuck onto his property to spy, but I didn’t have time to shift and those scentless are a lot faster than I thought they’d be. I wanted to warn you he was coming for you,” she says softly, her mouth curling into a frown.
“This isn’t on you. I was snooping in his office, and he caught me. In my defense, I didn’t think anything of cleaning his desk, and I wasn’t snooping intentionally when I found that formula. I should have told Banner on the phone.” I groan, lowering myself against the bars when fatigue hits me.
The adrenalin brought on by my fear has run dry, and I’m left feeling weak and hopeless when I sit and lean my head bac
k against the wall.
“Well, you can tell him when he comes for you.”
“He won’t,” I whisper brokenly, swallowing agony when I think of why he won’t come for me.
Because I said things to him that I had no place saying, and now he’ll just assume I left him. Oh God, I should have told him I love him and would die just to spend a few moments with him.
Julia snorts, and I turn my head to peer at her. All I see from this angle is her eyes, glowing bright blue and quite frankly eerie. If I focus hard, I can see her shadow and some of her face, but the darkness down here is absolute in some places, almost as if the misery shifts along with you.
“He will. He’s your Fated. Fated males don’t just—”
“I broke up with him,” I cut in guiltily, wincing when she gasps and I hear the disbelief in her breaths.
“You—”
“I sorta told him that he’s the reason I keep getting sick, and then I told him I don’t want to see him anymore.”
“Good God, that is not nice! How could you blame him when—?”
“I need him not to want me! He needs to forget me and not care and hate me because I am so afraid that I’ll die, and he’ll go crazy, and what if he’s not as strong as Lync? He’ll be feral forever, and he doesn’t deserve that, Julia. He deserves happiness and love and babies,” I ramble my voice going high.
“He deserves to have the female he loves. You,” she hisses, her growl making me shiver as it rumbles through the darkness.
“I know! I know he deserves me because no one will love him as much as I do. Ever. But what use is it if he can’t have me because every time we get too close I get weaker? I don’t know what this is, Julia. They can’t fix me, and I’d rather have him hate me and have some sort of life than cling to a ghost or worse, lose it if something happens to me,” I mutter, holding in a moan when my wrist gets worse, the pain streaking through me with every beat of my heart.
Greyriver Shifters Page 91