F is for Fred

by Rebecca Cantrell

  “I’m going to take your camera, dude,” she said, “so you’ll be safe.”

  Fred looked as skeptical as a seagull could look, which was seriously skeptical.

  She inched closer. One more step and she’d be able to slide the hood off. In theory. Assuming it slipped right off. If she could undo the strap.

  If Jeffery could do it, so could she. Jeffery had once tied his finger into her shoelaces when she was a kid on set. His fine motor coordination was nothing to write home about.

  The door slammed open behind her.

  “Did you find him?” screeched Violet.

  Fred launched himself into the air. He circled once over their heads, probably to gain altitude. He hated Violet.

  “Come back!” Sofia reached up her arms, like a beseeching silent film actress.

  Fred was unmoved. He took to the ocean. He wouldn’t be back any time soon.

  Sofia let out a long sigh.

  “I’ll get him to come back!” Violet disappeared through the swinging door.

  Sofia looked around on the ground, hoping that somehow the camera had fallen off on its own. It had not. Jeffery was too clever for that.

  Violet burst out of the door again. A shiny orange object thrashed in one hand.

  Sofia recognized it.

  Nemo Junior.

  Akira came through the door after Violet. He was fast, but Violet was way ahead of him. Clearly, she’d had the element of surprise on her side.

  Fred reappeared. He looked like he might dive-bomb the fish in Violet’s hand. Was this a good or a bad thing?

  Before Sofia could decide, Akira grabbed Violet around the waist and started hauling her back toward the restaurant.

  “This is where Dad usually says scramble, and we run to the car,” Violet yelled.

  “The valet has our car. And they know me here,” Sofia said.

  “Sounds like you made some tactical mistakes,” Violet called.

  Sofia couldn’t really argue with that, and she saw Akira fighting to keep from grinning. He pulled Violet inside. Sofia followed. Everyone in the entire restaurant was frozen. Some had chopsticks halfway to their mouths, like a freaky episode of The Twilight Zone. They all stared at Sofia, Violet, and Akira.

  And at Nemo Junior.

  “I’m really sorry,” Sofia said. She was sorry, and she’d put an extra dash of remorse into her voice. One table was filming them and she wanted to go on the record looking regretful.

  She plucked the poor fish out of Violet’s hand and dumped it back in the aquarium. It shot to the bottom and disappeared inside a white sea anemone. “I didn’t think she’d do that.” Although why she hadn’t thought of it was beyond her. It was exactly the kind of thing Violet would do.

  Akira was in shock. He nodded dumbly.

  “I’ll pay for the fish,” she told him. “But he might be OK.”

  This was optimistic, given that the fish had disappeared. It would probably never come out of that anemone. It had had a very bad fish-day. Maybe she’d have to pay for fish therapy. Was that a thing? If it was, they’d have it in Malibu.

  “I was going to put it back after I caught Fred,” Violet said. “Fish can live for several minutes out of water. Remember in Finding Dory?”

  “Those were animated fish,” Sofia said. “Actor fish. Actors can do lots of things real creatures can’t.”

  The entire restaurant cracked up. Violet looked confused, then took a bow. As a performer, she had good instincts.

  Sofia hustled her back to the table. At least five people had cell phones out now. Emily would be furious if pictures of Violet ended up on the internet, and poor Emily already had enough to deal with.

  But what to do? If she took Violet out, she’d have to walk by everyone while they filmed and that would be even more footage. Best to have Violet face away from the cameras and wait for it to die down.

  She sat down and held Violet on her lap facing away from the rest of the restaurant, toward the ocean. Not ideal, but her best option. Now no one would be filming Violet’s face, unless Fred came back. She wouldn’t put it past him.

  “I’m too old for a lap.” Violet squirmed.

  “Do you promise to sit quietly?”

  “Of course!” Violet sounded indignant.

  “Keep an eye out for Fred. If he arrives, tell me. You’re my lookout.”

  Sofia stood up to go to Violet’s side of the table. Better that she face the cameras than Violet.

  “What was that all about?”

  Sofia turned toward the voice and there was Priscilla. She was dressed from head to toe in pink. She’d be practically invisible in the newly painted office.

  Aidan stood next to her, wearing clean pants and an old pair of shoes.

  “Hey, Vi,” he said.

  “I’m very sorry,” Akira said, “but we don’t have any free tables. It’s a one-hour wait.”

  “We had a reservation.” Priscilla pulled herself up to a haughty stance. Her boobs perked up, too. Violet saw them out of the corner of her eye and stared. Her jaw dropped open.

  “Lookout post!” Sofia said, and Violet’s eyes went forward again.

  “I hardly think this one had a reservation.” Priscilla glared at Sofia.

  She was, of course, right, which made her statement even more insulting.

  “We have a standing table for Miss Salgado,” Akira said. “She’s been coming here since her Half Pint Detective days.”

  “Half Pint Detective?” Priscilla looked confused.

  “Sorry again about Nemo Junior,” Sofia told Akira.

  “Nemo?” Aidan asked.

  “How about you join us?” Sofia asked. Maybe she could stick them with the check and get out. Let Aidan try to expense it.

  Aidan and Priscilla sat. Sofia introduced Violet to Priscilla. Violet shook her hand and turned her attention to Aidan. “We almost caught Fred,” she said. “We’re here on official business, Maloney Junior.”

  “Maloney Junior?” Priscilla looked like she’d bitten into something unpleasant.

  “His father is Maloney Senior,” Violet explained. “That’s how it works. Senior, then junior.”

  She said it nice and slowly, so Priscilla would understand. Sofia grinned at her.

  “Why are you here?” Aidan asked.

  “I think Fred was at the house with the pool today.” She wasn’t sure how much she could say without breaking confidentiality rules. “Jeffery mounted a camera on Fred’s head, so I’m trying to retrieve it for evidence.”

  Aidan’s mouth dropped open. Akira came to take orders but took one look at the table and turned around. Sofia didn’t blame him.

  “Did you know most aging comes from ultraviolet light?” Priscilla said to Sofia. “You should wear sunscreen. Or maybe a hat. You’re positively brown.”

  “I’m half Mexican. My skin is supposed to be dark.” She’d had just about enough of Priscilla. She turned back to Aidan. “I also thought I saw the gunman by the pier. But he spotted me and took off running.”

  “Do you think he’s following you?” Violet put her hands up in a defensive position and glanced around the dining room.

  “I think he’s following Fred, or trying to, the same as me.” Sofia hoped that sounded reassuring.

  “We have to get to Fred ahead of him or the bird is toast.” Violet made a throat-slitting gesture. She looked like Shirley Temple doing a James Cagney impression. Weird, but surprisingly menacing. Priscilla inched her chair away. “What’s Fred’s next stop?”

  “The cliffs off Point Dume,” Sofia said. “Or, at least, that’s what I think from Fred’s YouTube videos.”

  “Fred has YouTube videos?” Aidan had regained the power of speech.

  “You know Fred? From Fred’s Flights of Fancy?” Priscilla said at the same time.

  Now it was Sofia’s turn to be struck dumb. Priscilla had heard of Fred’s YouTube channel but not her own television show. Half Pint Detective had run for years. On network TV. Seen by
millions! Maybe Jeffery was a better agent than she’d thought. Fred was already more famous than she was.

  Sofia dropped a twenty on the table. They’d only had tea, but Akira deserved a big tip. She’d check back in soon to see if Nemo Junior had made it and cover the cost of a new fish. She was pulling for the little guy to survive.

  “Come on, Vi.”

  Aidan stood, too. “If you saw the gunman, you shouldn’t go without backup, Sofia.”

  “She has me,” Violet pointed out.

  “I don’t think there’s any risk,” Sofia said. “This guy is interested in a seagull, not us.”

  “I should come along,” Aidan said. “To back up Violet.”

  She wondered if he just wanted to get out of his sushi date. He didn’t like sushi. “Fine.”

  Priscilla crossed her arms. “If you’re going, you should wear a hat. It’s best to avoid sunlight, no matter your skin tone.”

  “Only for vampires,” Violet said. “Humans need fresh air and sunshine.”

  Sofia tousled her hair and started for the door. “We’ll get frozen yogurt on the way. And caviar.”

  “I hate caviar,” Violet said.

  Priscilla stood next to the table. Her glare could have melted glass.

  Sofia used her jauntiest wave. It was sprightly, but Priscilla was clearly unimpressed. Sofia tossed back a blinding smile.

  Aidan caught up to them. “What’s the caviar for?”

  “Fred,” Sofia said.

  “Obviously,” said Violet.

  13

  Sofia had procured her supplies and was heading toward Point Dume. The roadster was a two-seater, so Aidan wouldn’t fit. She’d vetoed Violet’s offer to ride on the roof. Then she’d suggested Aidan ask Priscilla for a ride. Priscilla had stayed inside Nobu, presumably still glaring. Aidan had opted for Uber. Probably a wise choice, if not the bravest one.

  Violet wiped her sticky hands on her pants. Sofia had washed her niece’s hands in the bathroom of the frozen yogurt store, both before they ate and after, but nothing seemed to get the sticky off Violet. “Can’t you rent a tranq gun?”

  “A what?” Sofia asked.

  “A tran-qui-li-zer gun.” Violet enunciated each syllable carefully, as if Sofia were the seven-year-old in the car. “You shoot darts out of it and—”

  “I know what a tranquilizer gun is.” She hoped that would cut off the lecture. “I don’t know where to rent one. I think they’re hard to use on birds anyway. Birds are fragile.”

  Fred wasn’t a creature she thought of as fragile, but she’d read something about birds and tranquilizers being a bad combination.

  “What about a gun that shoots out a net, like in Batman?”

  That sounded like a good idea, actually, but she wasn’t sure those guns existed. “We’re going to bait him with the caviar, and I’ll grab him.”

  “Roger that.” Violet leaned back in her seat and promptly fell asleep.

  She looked like an angel when she was sleeping. Sofia hoped it would be a good long nap. She could use the quiet time to figure out how exactly she would catch Fred. Maybe if she convinced Aidan to keep Violet away, she could put down the caviar and remove his hood while he ate. The bird would never come near Violet.

  As if Violet would let herself be taken out of the action.

  Violet was asleep when Sofia parked at Point Dume. She got out of the car quietly so as not to wake Violet.

  It was a gorgeous afternoon. Sun sparkled on the blue-green waves. A cool breeze came off the ocean and ruffled her hair. The sand was golden and inviting. Swimmers and sunbathers frolicked. A California-dreaming kind of day.

  Sofia took a pair of binoculars out of the trunk and hung them around her neck. Then, she unbuckled her sleeping niece. Hoping that Violet wouldn’t wake up disoriented and attack her, she eased the little girl out and onto her shoulder, then closed the door with her foot. Maybe she could set her down on the sand and she’d sleep through the whole plan. That was something to hope for.

  Sofia walked slowly across the parking lot. Violet was a heavy sleeper and a heavy kid. She was glad she’d used the gym on the ship. The child had to weigh at least forty-five pounds. How the heck did Emily make carrying a sleeping kid look so easy? Practice.

  Sofia tottered onto the sand. A couple with a wire-haired fox terrier waved. She wondered if she knew them in real life, or if they knew her from TV, or if they waved at everyone. The couple tossed a Frisbee back and forth until the dog caught the red disk and ran around with it. Its owners didn’t seem to care. She decided she liked them.

  Aidan appeared out of nowhere, and Sofia jumped. Violet stirred.

  “Hey, sport,” Aidan said quietly. “Check out this dog. It’s got springs for legs.”

  Violet lifted her head off Sofia’s shoulder.

  “Hey, Maloney Junior,” she said sleepily.

  Aidan booped her nose and she smiled. She looked relaxed, like maybe she’d stopped worrying about her brother. Sofia was glad she’d been able to distract her. Violet felt everything more passionately than most kids, including worry.

  An older couple approached. The man wore a yellow windbreaker, the woman a lavender one. She looked about the same age as Tex, but she couldn’t imagine her sassy neighbor wearing a beehive hairdo with a blue rinse.

  “Your daughter is lovely,” the woman said.

  “We’re not married,” Aidan said, so quickly that Sofia was almost insulted.

  “And this cutie is my niece,” Sofia finished.

  “Of course they’re not married,” Violet said. “Sofia kissed Gray Cole on the internet this morning and made Grandma say a bad word.”

  “The Gray Cole?” the blue-haired woman asked.

  Aidan jumped in. “But Gray is—”

  “A private person,” Sofia interrupted. She gave Aidan what she hoped was a meaningful look. Not his job to out Gray to these folks. For all she knew they were producers or reporters or people with a huge blog that could damage his career.

  Aidan looked chastened.

  She set Violet down. “What bad word?”

  “The F-word,” Violet said. “And then the word ‘finally’.”

  Aidan laughed so hard Sofia thought he was going to fall down. Frankly, she hoped he would. The bewildered older couple gave up and wandered off down the beach.

  When Aidan had recovered, she decided to get down to business. “Have you seen Fred?”

  “Nope,” he said. “Lots of gulls, but none with a purple leg yet.”

  She handed Violet her binoculars. “You look, Vi.”

  Violet put them to her eyes and moved them in a short jerky fashion.

  “What are you doing?” Aidan asked.

  “Searching in a grid pattern,” Violet answered. “Per regs.”

  “Nice,” Aidan said.

  But, in spite of Violet’s diligence, she didn’t find Fred either. The three of them gave up for a while and walked toward the cliffs. Along the way, Violet caught the Frisbee and they all played catch with the friendly little dog. His name was Boris.

  Aidan’s perfect hair got windblown and he took off his shoes and ran around barefoot to catch the Frisbee. Priscilla would probably have had a heart attack at the sight.

  Did thinking about Priscilla warrant eating a peanut? She decided not, especially since the peanuts were in the car.

  Aidan leaned down to whisper to Violet, but Sofia heard every word. “Does this dimple next to my ear look weird?”

  “What dimple?” she asked loudly.

  Sofia turned away so he wouldn’t see her grinning. He must have pointed at it, because Violet laughed. Sofia turned back to them.

  “I can barely see that thing without binoculars,” Violet said. “But if you want me to, I could slice it right off with a sword.”

  He clapped a hand over his ear. Probably a wise move.

  “Chicks dig scars,” Violet said, “so tell me if you change your mind.”

  “Does she have a sword?”
he asked Sofia.

  “Not that I’m aware of,” she answered. “But you never know.”

  “Purple!” screeched Violet. She pointed one tiny arm straight up at the sky.

  Sofia saw him too.

  Fred.

  She fumbled with the tiny container of caviar she’d picked up after the frozen yogurt place. It had been remarkably easy to find caviar in Malibu. Jeffery had chosen his bribe well. Even better, the shop had a book on sharks for Van. He was a shark fan and maybe a new book would give Emily a break.

  “I have a plan,” Violet announced, before Sofia had even got the lid off.

  “Go ahead.” Aidan didn’t take his eyes off Fred. The gull was gliding along the tops of the waves, like he didn’t have a care in the world. If he was still recording footage, it was probably pretty incredible.

  “We can’t afford to lose him like we did at Nobu. That was a mission fail.” Violet stared meaningfully at Sofia.

  “So, what’s your plan?” She wasn’t going to start a long discussion about it. And she couldn’t claim that it had been a mission success.

  “We have to secure him and immobilize him until we get the camera off his head. That’s our primary objective, right?” Violet sounded like a military commander.

  “Our primary objective is to keep Fred safe,” Sofia put in, to keep that at the forefront of everyone’s mind.

  Both Aidan and Violet looked at her in a way she could only describe as patronizing. She stood her ground, for Fred’s sake, until they turned away.

  “I’ll lie in the sand. You two,” Violet pointed at them, “bury me.”

  “You need to breathe,” Sofia said.

  “Not my head,” Violet conceded. “Just feet and my body. Then put Aidan’s shirt on top of my tummy and over my face so Fred can’t see me. Put the caviar on the shirt on my tummy. When he lands to eat it, I’ll pull the shirt closed and he’ll be in there like a cat in a bag.”

  “Have you ever put a cat in a bag?” She hoped not.

  “It’s an ex-press-ion,” Violet said. “How do you think they let the cat out of the bag if they never put it in?”