by Sarah Price
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She feels the familiar feeling rising up in her. These are the phases Abby was talking to her about when she first arrived at the Inn; the stages of denial, anger and then acceptance. She didn’t understand it at first but now she recognizes the same signs in herself. Not since a few days ago, Tia was in a stage of denial. Yes, Abby had talked candidly about her cancer but Tia felt as if it were still happening to someone else. Now, with Abby really sick, she is in the anger stage. She is hurting at seeing her friend so helpless and weak and she needs to take it out on someone. That someone happens to be Jack.
“Please don’t push me away” Jack says.
“I can’t do this with you right now.” Tia stands up, agitated. She walks to the end of the veranda and Jack follows her.
“Do what, Tia? I don’t understand.” There is concern on his face.
“I can’t be worried about us.”
“I’m not asking you to worry about us,” he states.
“Yes, you are and right now, this isn’t about you and me. It’s about Abby.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Now it was Jack’s turn to get angry. “But I want to help you get through this and you’re not letting me.”
“I don’t need your help. I can do this alone.” She isn’t convinced of that but the words come out before she can stop them.
“The thing is you’re not alone. I’m here. Why won’t you let me in?” When he pauses and stares at her, Tia looks down, not knowing how to answer him. “Every time we get close, you pull away.”
“I just don’t have room right now to think about you and Abby.” That’s the truth and she hates it.
“No one is asking you to choose here.”
“You are.”
“You know what I think? I think you’re a coward.”
His words sting and she clenches her jaw. “A coward?”
“Yes. You’re taking the easy way out.”
“Are you kidding me? How is any of this easy?”
“It’s not, Tia. No one said it was but you’re hiding, hiding from making difficult choices.”
“Hiding?”
“Yes, hiding. You’re hiding from me and you’re hiding from yourself.”
“I’m not hiding from anyone. I’m choosing to be alone, there’s a big difference.”
“No, you’re choosing not to live,” he says firmly. “And you’re using Abby as an excuse to do it.”
“You don’t know me, Jack. You don’t know anything about me to say that. I make my own choices, not you, not anyone.”
“You’re not making choices for yourself, your fears are,” he says, his words too direct and honest. His words hurt Tia because she knows they are true. “You are afraid to touch, afraid to breathe, and afraid to love.” The last word freezes Tia in her place. “You won’t let me love you because you are afraid it won’t work out. Every time we’re together, you hold back, afraid that if you give yourself completely to me, I’ll walk about the door, just like Michael.”
The mention of Michael stings Tia. “Stop,” she says softly.
But he doesn’t. “You walk around like a ghost and yet you’re still flesh and blood. You act as if it’s you, rather than Abby, that is dying.“ He moves closer to Tia and reaches out his hand to touch her. Tia quickly turns away so that he cannot see her face. “I see you right here in front of me and even now you are afraid to come close to me. You can’t even look me in the eyes.”
“You forget that I know what it’s like to lose someone, too,” she says. “It almost killed me once but I will do it again because the fear of never knowing what we can be is greater than the fear of losing you.”
“We all make choices, Tia, and they’re never easy. Abby chose to come here to end her life and I’ve made the choice to love you and that includes the history that comes with you,” Jack says. He caresses her arm, his touch soft and gentle. “I want to share my life with you. Now I ask you, what’s your choice?”
Jack walks back into the Inn and part of Tia wants to follow him, wants to take him in his arms and lose herself in him but the other part doesn’t move. She’s rooted in place and all she can do is watch him walk away.
Chapter Seventeen
Tia and Abby
I place the postcard into the vinyl pocket of the photo book. Underneath the pocket, I have labeled it according to the place and date that it was sent to me. It has taking me a week to complete the project, going through all of the cards and placing them in chronological order from earliest to last. I turn to the front cover and place my fingers over the raised lettering. I open the book again and start from the beginning, turning each page and with it, each year of my life. It is exactly as if I’m seeing my life pass before me. I pause and look at some longer than others, allowing myself to go through the journey and visit the past. It is all that I have been doing since I’ve been in Muros. Maybe Jack is right. I seem to be living in the past, afraid to look ahead to the future. Maybe that is what being here is supposed to be about for me. I reach the final page and take a deep breath before slowly turning it. Just like every book, there is an ending, some kind of closure. I just need to find out what mine is.
Tia wakes up early morning and takes a long walk on the beach. Since their argument a few days ago, she hasn’t seen Jack and believes that now it is Jack that is avoiding her. The only communication she has received from him was a note sent to her room the morning after his confrontation.
Tia,
I’m giving you all the space you need to make your choice. I’ll be here waiting. You know where to find me.
Jack
Choices. When it comes down to it, that’s all anyone has-opportunities taken and lost; seized or discarded. That is what Jack was trying to tell her if only she would listen. Tia is not sure she is ready to listen.
After her walk, she stops by her room to pick up her gift to Abby before heading over to see how she is doing. The package has been sitting in her room waiting for the right moment for Tia to give it to her. After last night, Tia knows the moment is now. Last night was a turning point and the nurse, recognizing the signs, had called the doctor to come by to see Abby. She had been slipping into her illness more and more with each passing day, sleeping more, not eating, losing touch with reality, talking through people or not talking at all. When the doctor shook his head at Tia, she knew Abby was standing on the edge, between this world and the other.
Knocking on the door, Tia takes a deep breath as she holds the package in her arms, cradling it like she would a newborn baby, just as precious as the day she held her twins for the first time. The nurse answers and smiles, exhaustion clearly etched on her face. Over the course of the last few weeks, they have gotten to know each other, talking about their families and careers into the twilight hours, making each other coffee or bringing back a loaf of bread with smoked ham to share. Tia considered her like a member of the family now and a good friend.
“Is she awake?” Tia asks.
“Not yet but come in. She’s due for her medication in a few hours. You can sit and wait, if you’d like?”
Tia nods and walks into the room, settling down on her wooden chair, talking with the nurse about her grandchildren, the weather, the local news-anything to pass the time. Tia glances at the clock and sees that the morning is gone and the early afternoon has arrived. And still, she sits and waits. It’s around five o’clock in the early evening when Abby finally stirs. Her eyes strain to open and when they do, a small smile spreads across her face as she sees Tia sitting next to her. Tia makes sure to give her a broad smile back, refusing to shed any tears.
“Hey there.” Tia says as cheerful as she can be.
“Hi yourself.” Abby tries to pick up her head but tires quickly with the effort.
Tia gets up from her chair and helps the nurse lift Abby up onto a pillow, in a sitting position. It takes several minutes to do so, so as to not cause Abby any pain during the process. Tia moves out of t
he way to let the nurse do her job of taking her temperature, her pulse, blood pressure, giving her pain medication and coaxing her to eat, failing miserably with the last task.
During this routine, Tia has the chance to really look at Abby carefully. She frowns at the sight of Abby’s arms, thin like a rail. Her face is gaunt and her eyes are hollow. Tia smiles, however, at the sight of her hair, still there, braided neatly and hanging over her left shoulder. She remembers back to their first conversation when she came to Muros and silently thanks God for giving her that one wish.
When the nurse is done, she looks over at Tia and nods. It is understood-it is the same nod that Tia has seen over the course of the last few days. It is only a matter of time. The nurse turns back to Abby and says brightly, “Bueno, Abby, I’m done here for now. I’ll let you spend some time with your friend.”
“Thank you, Serafina.”
She turns back to Tia, “See if you can’t get her to eat.”
“I’ll try.”
Abby interrupts them. “You know, I can still hear you.”
The nurse turns back to her and with a wit that matches Abby says, “I know you can hear us. That’s the point. Please try to eat Abigail, vale?”
Tia is taken by surprise at the nurse addressing Abby by her full name. She hasn’t heard it since Kelly Peters was alive.
The nurse leaves the room and Tia moves closer, sitting on the edge of the bed. She has the package resting on her legs. “Can I convince you to eat something?”
Abby looks small in the bed, her face a pale shade of gray. “Maybe later.”
“But Abby you heard what the nurse said.”
“I know what she said but I just can’t. Not now.”
Tia’s stomach churns and she knows better than to press the issue. She also doesn’t want to waste the brief window that they have to talk with an argument.
“What’s that you have there?” Abby nods her head in the direction of the package. Tia lets out a small laugh. Even with everything that is doing on around them, Abby is still as curious as ever.
‘What?” Tia feigns ignorance, deciding to tease her a little, bringing some levity to the moment.
“Tia, I’m sick, not blind. The package on your lap?”
She looks down at the parcel and pretends to be surprised, “Oh this. It’s nothing.”
“Then why do you have it?” Tia laughs again at Abby’s expression. She is clearly annoyed and losing patience. Just like when they were kids, Abby has never been good with surprises.
“Oh you are too much. Really, Abby, you take all the fun out of giving you a present.”
“A present? For me?” And in Abby’s tired eyes, Tia sees appreciation.
“I’ve been meaning to give this to you for quite some time now. I’ve just been waiting for the right moment.” Tia hands Abby the package. She stares down at it, laying across her legs and then reaches out with her hands to carefully open it up. Tia sees her struggling and she reaches over to help her with undoing the string and the tape. When the packaging is cleared, Abby looks down at a black leather bound photo album.
“What is this?” Abby asks, as she picks it up.
“Take a look and see.” Tia replies with a smile. Abby’s frail hands pass over the cover and the gold lettering engraved in the center. She glances over the title and looks back at Tia with a confused look in her eyes as she slowly reads, “Postcards from Abby?”
Tia can’t say a word, can only smile in between the tears that are now falling down her cheeks in a steady stream. She doesn’t want Abby to see her crying. This is supposed to be a celebration of life, not death, but it’s very hard to do at that moment, looking at her friend and how weak she has actually grown.
Abby looks at the cover again as if she’s afraid to open it. Then slowly she does. The first page is filled with different landscapes from different places all over the world. Places Abby has been to; places that Tia has only come to know through Abby’s eyes.
“My God,” She utters underneath her breath, “You actually saved all of these?” Tia can see that she’s in a state of shock. Tia nods as she lowers her head, unable to speak. Abby does it for her. “I’d forgotten all about them.” Abby starts to read the first one to herself, mouthing the words as if she had just finished writing them down. Talking to no one in particular, she whispers, “Yes, I remember this one. I wrote this to you from the Seine in Paris. It was my first night there.”
“I know. It was right around the time Michael and I were getting married.”
Abby still has a look of confusion on her face, “I don’t understand. Why? Why did you save this?”
Tia pauses. She knows the answer. From the first postcard to the last, it is always the same reason. She tries to put it into words now for Abby: “Anytime I felt lost or needed to get away from everything that was going wrong in my life, I would take a good, long look through those postcards and look at the pictures. Whenever I needed my dear friend to talk to and she wasn’t there, I would read her words and they comforted me as if she was there right besides me. Throughout all of the important moments in my life, somehow, you had been there to see me through them and you knew exactly what to say and how to say it.”
Abby turns the pages slowly, smiling with what Tia can only imagine are at the memories that she carries with her from each place.
“You have been such a friend to me, Abby.” There is silence. Tia continues, afraid of the silence, of the inevitable to come. She knows that there won’t be many more windows to do this in. She knows it has to be now, “And I get the sense that you may wonder what purpose your life has held, if any. Did you make a difference? I know there are things you wished you could have done differently. I think we all have those thoughts. But I’m here to tell you that you did… make a… difference, that is. Don’t think for one second that you’ve wasted your life away. It’s not true. I don’t think you realize just what you’re leaving behind. It’s something just as important as all of those other things that you may have regretted not doing. It’s your spirit, Abby. You are leaving me your spirit.”
“My spirit?”
And now is the moment to let her know, to confront Tia’s own regrets and to let it all go. “Your sense of adventure, your love of life, your fearlessness, everything that I have envied, everything that you are. You never cared if you failed. You never once gave a damn what the rest of the world thought of you. I’ve been living under a microscope my whole life, never making a decision on my own. And here you were, just getting up and doing things that made you happy-the hell with everything else. That’s your spirit. That’s what you taught me about life.”
“I don’t quite know what to say.” Abby looks down and Tia sees tears of her own falling down her face.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that you made a difference in my life.”
Abby looks at the postcards again and points to Tia’s favorite one. “The Sigatoka River? That was right after James.” Tia can see the pain in Abby’s eyes as she thinks about her lover and possibly one of her regrets.
Looking away, Tia offers, “I’ve looked at that one a lot. It was a turning point for me. It was then that I realized my marriage was over.”
Abby, coming out of her thoughts, asks, “So many things we’ve been through. Do you think our friendship would have been so strong if I had stayed home and lived in the same town as you?”
A good question, Tia thinks. She had never thought of it before but she tries to answer honestly. With a gentle shrug of her shoulders, Tia says, “I don’t know, Abby. I have so many friends that are a phone call away and yet there’s no one I would trust more than you.”
Abby looks at Tia and simply says, “You’re my family.”
“I’ll miss you,” Tia’s lips tremble as she speaks these last words and she can’t continue without breaking down.
“You won’t have to miss me.” Abby points to the postcards, her finger tracing the river. “My
spirit will live on,” she whispers.
Abby closes her eyes as the pain surges through her body. It is obvious that their window is slowly coming down and that soon it will be completely closed. Tia gets up from the side of the bed, knowing that she should leave Abby alone with her postcards. “Going so soon?” Abby remarks.
Tia smiles, brushing away the tears and trying to get back to their playful teasing, “It’s way past your bedtime and you should get some rest.”
“Yes, mother.”
Tia smiles weakly, finally feeling the exhaustion that had been weighing down on her all of these weeks. Abby reaches out her hands to give Tia the book. Tia waves her off, nodding her head as she speaks, “You keep that. It’s yours.”
“No, I can’t take this.”
“Yes, you can. It’s the least I can do.”
“For what? I didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, yes you did. You gave me the world.”
Abby seems pleased and, for the first time since they were kids growing up together, Tia sees Abby as she was back then, youthful and full of life. It is then that Tia walks back to the bed, leans over and gives her friend a kiss on the forehead. Reaching out her hand, Tia takes hold of Abby’s hand and gives it a small squeeze and lets go. It’s a simple gesture, nothing out of the ordinary between two friends but it means so much more at that moment. It’s Tia’s way of saying good-bye. As Tia walks towards the bedroom door, Abby calls out after her, “So where are you going?”
She turns around and smiles. In that instant, Abby understands Tia’s meaning as she answers her, “I don’t know really. I hear the Fiji Islands are beautiful this time of year.”
“Don’t forget to keep in touch,” Abby reminds her.
“I’ll send you a postcard.”
“Just remember to save me a seat.”
“You know I will.”
They both look at each other and smile. Without another word spoken, Tia turns around and walks out the door. Those are the last words Abby speaks to Tia, the last words that Tia hears from her friend.