by Sarah Price
At the mention of Abby’s name, Tia knows it is James. He came after all, Tia thinks to herself. He came for her. When Abby had talked about James that day on the beach, Tia made her a promise to find James and let him know. She had used every contact she had back home to retrace James’ whereabouts, finally sending him a letter at his last known address and hoping for the best.
She smiles warmly and greets him with a handshake, “You must be Mr. Stone?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude.” He extends his hand out to Tia.
“Nice to finally meet you. I’m Abigail’s friend, Tiadora.”
“Yes, of course. Abby had told me all about you. Good to meet you too.” He looks tired and worn, not wanting to start pleasantries but knowing that to do otherwise would be to appear rude.
“Do you want to come in?”
He nods with his head down. Tia follows him into the room, closing the door slowly behind her. She realizes that this is not going to be an easy conversation to have but for Abby she knows she has to do it. He speaks again, “So I got your letter. It took some time. I moved several times after Abby and I decided to, well, go our own way.”
“Yes, I thought as much. Do you want anything to drink?”
“No, not really. I’m rather anxious so I hope you don’t mind but I really would like to see Abby. When I got your letter, to be honest, I couldn’t believe it. Abby, my Abby. It doesn’t seem possible.”
“I know what you mean. It was the same reaction I had when I first heard.”
“She’s a strong lady and these things aren’t supposed to happen to strong ladies.” He seems agitated and nervous.
“I know.” She nods in understanding.
“So, can I see her now?”
Tia looks down at the carpet, afraid that her eyes will betray her.
“I’m sorry, Tia. It’s just been so long and whatever time is left, I just . . . I need to see her.”
“I don’t know how to say this.”
He interrupts her before she can get the words out. “She’s gone, isn’t she?”
“I’m so sorry but Abby passed away five days ago.” Tia gives him a moment to digest the news. His shoulders slump down, as does his entire body. Tia tries to comfort him, “She held on as long as she could.”
He smiles weakly, “I’m sure she gave it quite a fight if I know my Abby.”
“Yes, she did.”
After several minutes of silence, James stands up, facing Tia and extends his hand again. Tia takes it slowly in hers and caresses it. He speaks quietly and Tia can hear the pain, “Thank you for finding me.”
“I only wish it were sooner.”
“So do I.” He lets go of Tia’s hand and walks towards the door, saying in almost a whisper, “I’ll be going now.”
Tia places her hand on his shoulder and asks him to wait a moment. She walks over to the nightstand, opens the top drawer and pulls out a silver bracelet. The same bracelet Abby had worn like religion every day since Tia’s been here. “Abby specifically asked that you have this.”
James looks down at the bracelet in Tia’s hand, takes it and cradles it gently in the palm of his hand.
“I’m really sorry,” is all Tia can think of saying.
“There are moments when every little things seems so important, so monumental. Then years go by or you come up against something like this and you can’t even remember what was so damn important back then that you let the best thing in your life slip away from you.”
Tia reaches over to touch James’ shoulder but his hand stops her midway, “I’m OK. I’ll be fine. Thank you again for everything.”
And just like that, he walks through the door and down the hall without looking back.
Chapter Twenty
She is on her knees, placing a bouquet of wild flowers on Abby’s tombstone. She leans back, still on her knees and in her mind, has a conversation with her friend as if the wind that blows through her hair or the sun that warms her face is Abby talking back to her. She is lost in her own thoughts, so lost that she barely hears the voice, his voice, from behind her and it nearly causes Tia to jump out of her skin. She turns around and sees Jack standing there. Her heart jumps and her stomach flutters at the sight of him. He is looking down at her, his eyes piercing, a slight smile on his face, hesitant, not sure how to approach Tia, looking as if he has no idea how she will react. Tia feels a tinge of guilt, remembering the last time they were together, the passion they shared, how gentle and understanding he was, only for her to leave him the next morning without a word.
There is not a hint of anger or resentment when he asks, “How are you?”
Although he is asking Tia the same question that everyone seems to ask her during the days since Abby’s passing, with Jack, there is a look of genuine concern. Tia knows that, unlike the others, Jack is really worried about her and anxiously wants to know how she is coping with the loss.
Tia shrugs her shoulders, looking down. She is afraid the tears will come again and she’s tired of crying. Her body feels drained and her heart empty. “Ok, I guess.” She looks up again, meeting his eyes. She can see reflections of the past in his gaze and a hint of the future. She suddenly hears herself blurt out, “Abby left me all of her money.”
Jack nods as if he has known that all along. “I thought as much. She didn’t have any family?”
Tia shakes her head. “Her mom is still alive but they haven’t been close in years.” She is holding back. She knows that she has to tell him about Abby’s conditions, the conditions that will change everything. “She wants me to use the money to travel.”
Jack nods and smiles. It’s a sweet smile, full of understanding and tenderness. “That’s really generous of her.” And Tia knows that he doesn’t understand at all.
“No, it’s not as simple as that, Jack.” Tia pauses and tries to think of a way to explain the situation to him. How can you explain something so extreme, she thinks. “She wants me to make traveling my life. To see the world.”
Something in his face shifts. To Tia, it looks like a dark cloud has passed overhead, casting a somber shadow over his eyes. The hope that had been there just moments before disappears and is replaced with trepidation. It is the moment that he realizes what she is really saying. “And what do you want, Tia?”
It is a simple question, one that startles her. Except for Abby, no one has ever asked her about her own wants. Not her parents. Not Michael. Not even the kids. Instead, they all seemed focused on what they needed from her. All of her life had been focused on pleasing others. It was as if Tia, afraid that they would stop loving her if she didn’t, gave them all of herself in exchange for a small piece of them. But not Jack. Instead, he has shown her more care and compassion with those five words than anyone ever has. And in that moment, Tia knows why she has always loved Jack, from that first summer to now. On her knees, in the middle of a cemetery, surrounded by so much sadness and sorrow, she realizes that what she has always had and will always feel for him is unconditional love.
And yet the question still hangs there, in the air, and Tia is afraid to answer because it’s just too hard to do. So instead she tries to divert, “Her father left this legacy to her and now she wants to pass it on to me.”
Jack won’t let her off the hook this easily. He shakes his head, drops down on his knees and gently grabs her shoulders with both of his hands. Softly, he speaks, “Tia, you can’t keep living your life for other people. I thought you didn’t want that anymore?”
“I don’t.” Her mind is reeling. How does she make him understand?
“You’d be doing this to please Abby,” Jack says. “To live out her wishes, not yours.”
Tia wonders for a moment whether or not this is true. Is this just one more way of pleasing someone else. Is she is doing this for herself or Abby? She shakes the thought off, “No,” she says slowly. “It’s not like that.”
“Abby died and you feel guilty for some reason. You feel li
ke you owe this to her, that she would be disappointed in you if you turned away from her life. You can’t keep doing this. First your parents, your husband and now Abby.” He hits a nerve and he can see it on her face.
She snaps, her eyes suddenly glaring and angry. She yells, “Stop it. It’s not like that. I want, I … I want…” It’s too overwhelming for her and she is so confused, struggling through her feelings for Jack with her need to be set free.
“What do you want?” Jack tries to calm her down by lowering his voice. “What do you really want, Tia?” He puts his arms around her and holds her tight. He whispers in her ear and the feel of his breath on her skin is electric, “Because all I want is you.”
Tia wants to kiss him and end all of this discussion about leaving. She wants him to hold her and never let her go. She doesn’t want to tell him the truth. She loves him more than anything and knows that what she is about to say will hurt him. In a voice so low she’s not sure he will hear it, she tells him her choice, “I think I want to go.”
He lets go of her, with hurt clearly etched on his face, he pleads, “Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t do this just for her.”
Tia thinks about his words and disagrees, knowing in her heart that this is definitely not the easy way out. In fact, this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do. Walking away from someone who is possibly the love of her life is anything but easy. Leaving the security of her home, her children and even Michael, the only things she has ever known and lived for so long, isn’t easy. In fact, agreeing to Abby’s final wish is the hardest thing she will ever have to do. And Tia also knows that this is why Abby asked her to do it.
All of her life, she has chosen the easiest path, the path of least resistance. She did what everyone else told her to do, what was expected of her. But this time, it would be different. This time, she would choose herself first. Looking into Jack’s eyes, Tia only wishes that she could make him understand that she needs to do this as much as she wants to do this. And that it has nothing to do with how she feels about him.
She tries to explain, “This is my choice, Jack. Abby isn’t forcing me. Yes, she wants me to go but not for her. It’s for me. She’s doing this all for me. It’s the only thing she knew she could give me that would mean the most to me. I’ve lived through her all this time, the postcards, the memories are all hers and now she’s giving me the chance to write my own memories.”
“What is it that you want from me, Tia?”
“I don’t know.” It’s the truth. She doesn’t know. She wishes that she did.
“You don’t know? That is all you can say to me?”
Tia doesn’t know what to say to Jack. Does he want to hear that she’s made up her mind to leave and there is nothing that he can say to stop her? She tries to put her feelings into words, “You’ve said it before, Jack. I’ve lived for everyone else for so long, that I can’t do that anymore. I’d be giving a piece of me away if I stayed and I just can’t do that, not even for you. It would be a mistake”
“Is this what you think this is? A mistake? You think we’re a mistake?” The hurt on his face is more than apparent.
“No, that’s not what I meant. I just know that if I don’t go, I’ll always wonder. I don’t want to ask the question of ‘what if’ anymore. That question has already cost me one marriage. Please understand. I don’t want to have any more regrets.”
“I wouldn’t want you to regret anything.” His voice is full of sarcasm. He composes himself quickly, “You are walking away from something most people desperately want and never find.”
“If this is real, what we have, then I’ll come back and when I do, I won’t have the regrets of the past haunting me.”
“And what if you don’t come back?”
”I have waited a lifetime to find you. I didn’t know how to live until I met you. Look, I can touch now.” Tia moves her fingers to Joachim’s lips and brushes them lightly against her fingertips. “I can feel now.” She slowly brings her lips to his lips for a soft kiss. He closes his eyes as she moves closer to him. “I can let this breathe again.” She moves her hand to his heart.
Joachim is crying now. His head is held low and his eyes are now focused on the ground.
Tia finally speaks, through her own tears, “This isn’t good-bye.”
Joachim still won’t look at her and she pushes his chin up with her hand and forces him to look her in the eyes. The tears are still streaming down his face as he says, “It’s more like I’ll see you around. See you soon. Until we meet again”
She smiles, “No, it’s more like ‘I love you.’” Hearing those words come from her own lips, directed to him, makes her question what she is doing. How could she love him, this gloriously wonderful man yet leave him? The question stuns her because she realizes that she could very well be giving up the love of her life for this choice. This wild, crazy choice. Would it be worth it?
“I have to go,” she whispers.
She lets her hand linger on his arm for as long as she can before she gets up and starts to walk away. She is afraid that if she stays for even one more minute, she will change her mind and run into his arms, telling him that she was wrong and that she wants to be with him forever.
“Tiadora?” She hears him ask from behind her.
Without turning around to face him, the tears now streaming down her face blurring her vision, she answers him, “Yes, Jack?”
“Nothing.” He pauses. She can hear the smile in his voice. It’s a sad smile, but one that is filled with love, acceptance and possibilities. “Just Tiadora.”
She walks away without looking back.
Tia and Jack
Sitting on the airplane, waiting for it to take off from the Santiago de Compostela runway, I look out the window at the green mountains that surround the airport. My eyes are red and swollen from crying and I have been hiccupping for the last half hour. It has not even been a day since I said good bye to Jack and I feel as if my whole world has been turned upside down. He promised to write and I promised to call. I reassure myself with the thought that I will be back next summer and he will be waiting. He promised he’d wait for me and I believe him. I know that everyone says we are too young. My mother smiles at me from the seat next to me. No doubt she is humoring me but is really thinking that her fourteen year old daughter is experiencing the heartache of first love and that this too will pass. But I know differently. What Jack and I have is real and it will last. I don’t need to explain it or defend it. Time will do that for us. Jack will wait for me and I will come back. It is inevitable.
Epilogue
It has been a long flight for Tia. The last few days at the Rioja had been filled with the difficult task of finalizing all of Abby’s affairs and settling her estate. She left most of what remained to be done with Abby’s attorney. It would take some time for everything to be in order and time was something she did not have. Tia had also made sure to call Michael and the kids.
To her surprise, they gave her their blessings without questions. Jamie and Javier actually thought their mom was doing something cool for a change and even pleaded with her to take them on her indefinite trip to who knows where. But she knew that she had to do this alone. Tia promised them an extended Christmas vacation in the Swiss Alps before they passed over the phone to Michael. Although Tia had rehearsed it a million times in her mind before this moment, Tia was not ready to hear his voice and she finally broke down in tears.
“Hey, don’t, don’t do that. It’s OK.” He comforted her.
“I’m sorry, Michael. I’m sorry for everything.”
“I understand. It’s OK, really. You go. Do what you have to do.” He sounded so OK with what she has proposed. She could not believe that he could just accept her traveling the world, the man who chose Hawaii over Paris for their honeymoon.
“Are you going to be fine with this, with the kids and everything?” She needed to know that she was still needed. But Michael didn’t seem to take her bait
.
“Tia, the kids are grown,” he pointed out realistically. “Javier is off to college in a week and Jaime is moving in with her friend. They already found an apartment in town. So, go. Call us when you get to wherever.”
“I didn’t plan for this, you know.”
“Thank God for that. You’ve lived your whole life planning and it hasn’t made you happy, not with you and not with me.”
“I’m sorry for the mess I made for both of us,” she said and she meant it.
“I’m not. That mess gave us two great kids and a few good years in between.”
She tilted her head and stared at the mirror on the wall. She could see her reflection, the phone pressed against her ear. “We did have a few good years, didn’t we?”
“Here and there.”
“I’m still so sorry.”
“Tia, I’m happy,” Michael said. “I really am. I’m with Debbie and she makes me happy.”
Tia fell silent. She could not speak. Part of her still hurt hearing Michael talk about another woman. Even though they are both in a good place, it pained her to think that someone else can give him what she tried, for twenty years, to give.
The silence was broken by Michael’s voice and the words changed her. “You’ve been waiting for this your whole life. Go find that fire in your eyes again. Make yourself happy.”
The last thing Tia did before going to the airport was to stop at Abby’s grave to say one last goodbye. Looking down at the freshly placed pile of dirt, Tia wept openly for her friend. She would miss her. It was unimaginable to live in a world without Abby’s postcards, without her words, without her. The only thing that gave Tia comfort was knowing that she was going to fulfill Abby’s one last wish. The cab driver was growing impatient, waving his finger to his watch as if to tell Tia to be mindful of the time. As far as Tia was concerned, she had all the time in the world. Leaning down on her knees, she brushed the ground with her hand. She would talk to Abby one last time.