“Tara...”
“Get Out!” I scream, cutting off Jax’s words. I don’t want to talk...I don’t want their questioning eyes looking at me anymore. I am grateful they do as I ask ‘cause they don’t get a chance to see the hot tears that start to flow down my cheeks into my pillow. I cry and cry, I cain’t stop. Everything that has been building up over the past few weeks, it lets loose and I cain’t control it. I cry for gra’da, Rivercross, Ben.... for everything that I have lost. Gra’da was so wrong...it was all my fault! The sobs rack my body uncontrollably and my gut feels like its on fire with every convulsion, but I keep crying. I cry for the lives I have taken....they weren’t just Army, I figure they had been someone’s son, father, husband....and I killed them! I ain’t no better than any of them! The tears flow heavily for a long time....surely there cain’t be any left. I sob into the pillow bashing it with my fist. Why did all this have to happen? Why was everybody I ever loved taken from me? Why in the name of the gods was I being tested so? But no answers come.
Slowly my sobs subside into deep shuddering breaths. Exhausted, I lay against my wet pillow too spent to move...to care. I feel numb...emotionless...like every feeling I had inside of me was now cried out into my pillow. And tired. So tired.
I get no relief in my eventual sleep however ‘cause then the night terrors come. Filled with images of bloody gaping head wounds and giant dust storms and burnt crops and bodies. I deserve it I guess...evil dreams for an evil soul. It was fitting.
****************************************************************************
For days I refuse to see anyone, except Vi, Jax’s ma. I ain’t up to facing any of ‘em...I don’t want to see their questioning looks and to try and give them answers I don’t got. They try to visit...especially Finn but I keep refusing, so Vi agrees to my wishes and every day turns him away with a quiet but firm ‘not today”. She is my only connection to the world outside, bringing me food, changing my bandages, never judging. For the first time in my life I realize what it must be like to be under a mother’s care and I am grateful for her strength. But with each kindness she shows me I cain’t help but think about my own ma. Did she abandon me ‘cause she knew what sort of monster I would turn out to be? Was the thought of it more than she could bear? I guess I cain’t never know but the thinking about it just sends me spiraling deeper and deeper into despair. I was in one of those dark moods on this day when Vi brings me my meal.
Wordlessly she lays the soup on the table by my bed then opens up the shutters covering the small window in the room, letting in the bright sun. Wincing, I cover my eyes with my arm.
“Could you close those back up please Vi?” I say.
“I could ...but I won’t,” she says and I stare at her in surprise. She ain’t ever denied me anything since she’s been caring for me.
“Enough is enough child.” She stands over me, arms folded. “For days now I have watched you wallow in self pity, turning away those who care about you and for what? Because you found out you are different?”
She see’s my surprise and nods. “Yes I know what you are, even though Jax tried his best to hide it from me.” She sighs. “I swear sometimes that boy thinks I am an idiot.”
“How did you know...?” I say.
“That you were a new blood? Well if your rapidly healing wound wasn’t a dead giveaway it would have to be your resemblance to her.”
I frown at her, puzzled. “Her? Who?”
“Jenna...Jax’s sister, and my daughter. You remind me of her so much. Oh not in appearance other then the hair of course, but your temperament and stubbornness and sadness. In that you are very similar.”
I am surprised by this revelation. “I didn’t know Jax had a sister.”
Not that he would have told me anyways...we ain’t had much of what you would call civilized conversation in the time we’ve known each other.
She sighs again and sits by me on the bed. “No he doesn’t talk about her at all anymore.
But as children they were inseparable....he loved her very much.”
“This is her room ain’t it?” I say. Vi just nods and looks around fondly.
“All these dolls...Jax made them for her, or found them, over the years. It was the one thing that made her happiest.”
“She was ...odd? Like me?” I say, already knowing the answer. At first I don’t think Vi is going to answer...but then...
“We didn’t know. Oh we had heard stories, tales of new bloods and such, but we never imagined. We thought them to be myth...camp fire talk.” She gives a harsh little laugh. “There were signs...things I should have seen, but I guess I didn’t want to see it. Jenna was always....different. We lived a simple life, the four of us....a happy life. We had our hardships, what life doesn’t? But basically we were happy. Gray Valley was pretty much left alone by the Prezedants Army...as long as we paid our taxes, gave them most of our crops. But then it all changed.”
Her face hardens and even though she is sitting next to me on the bed, in her mind’s eye she is far far away.
“HE came one day. I don’t know how he found out about her. Maybe some trader passing through recognized her for what she was. I can’t rightly say. But they came, an army of them. He tried to take her from us. They dragged her from the cabin. She was crying...screaming as they tried to lock her in their traveling cage. Why? I wanted to know! What has she done? She is just a little girl...an innocent little girl! Jax and his father were in the fields with the other men but they came running at Jenna’s cries. Her father...he attacked the guards putting her in the cage. He was a strong man, my husband, but he stood no chance against their weapons. They killed him with no more thought then as if they were slaughtering a hog. Jenna...she couldn’t handle seeing her father cut down in front of her like that. She....she...”
Vi stops speaking but she don’t have to say what happened. I know what Jenna must have gone through. I already experienced it .... chi. My hand reaches for hers and she holds it tight.
“She couldn’t handle it, my Jenna. She wasn’t strong enough...not like you. It overwhelmed her, destroyed her. And even though I was there to see with my own eyes, I can’t really explain what happened....” I watch Vi struggle to tell me, holding my breath, scared for what I will hear.
“I watched as this light...it formed around her. The two guards holding her, they fell immediately, dead from what I cannot say. Then the light got brighter and she started screaming, as if it were hurting her...burning her. The villagers that had come running at her cries to help...they started falling too...dying just like the guards. I tried to run to her....I needed to reach my little girl but Jax had ahold of me and he wouldn’t let me go! He knew it was too late. That I would die just like the others. That I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t help my little girl....” Her voice trails off and I think she is done, but then she starts talking again.
“By the time it was over nine other innocent villagers had perished, and of my little girl....there was nothing left. It was like she had burnt away on the inside and left an empty, hollow shell.”
Tears fall freely down her cheeks but she don’t try to stop them. We sit in silence for a bit, me holding her hand while she remembers the horrors. Finally she speaks again but this time her voice is hard and unforgiving.
“He watched it all happen...the death, the carnage from atop his horse. He watched them shoot my husband and my baby girl destroy herself. He ordered his remaining men to take four other children as our punishment for resisting them.” Her voice breaks again but she continues on. “And when it was over.....after so many people had died...after he had destroyed so many families…you know what he said? ‘Pity, she may have been of use.’ I will never forget that as long as I live! She may have been of use! So don’t you dare feel remorse for what you did to those bastards! You saved my boys life and the lives of Finn and Tater.” She nods at my questioning look. “Yes Finn told me what happened...most of it anyway. And I know that’s some o
f what’s been keeping you awake at night and causing your grief. So don’t you dare shed another tear over any of it! You, my child have been touched with a special gift. Why you have been able to handle that gift while my Jenna was not…well that is for the gods to know. You have been chosen for a reason and what you do with that gift is up to you. But let me tell you this. As long as that...evil creature lives no one is safe!”
She stops talking but continues to hold my hand tight. We sit for a bit in silence as she struggles to compose herself, to lock those horrible memories away again and I try to take it all in. What had happened to Jenna...it scares me. Vi had said it was like she had burnt from the inside out and I kinda know what she was talking about. The Chi...well it had felt like my blood...my whole body was aflame. But why hadn’t it killed me like it had done to Jenna? And what must have it had been like for Vi...what she must have endured to witness not just her husband but her child perish in front of her and be so helpless. Kind of like me and Rivercross I guess. But I don’t say that. There was nuthin I could say to help take away any of that pain...I know that first hand. So I just keep holding her hand as she cries. Finally, she gives my hand a little shake, stands up, wipes the tears from her face and smoothes out her dress, her emotions back under control again.
“I’ve said my piece...now get up. You’ve wasted enough time.”
I don’t want to do that. I’m too full of fear and questions. I don’t want to get up but I also don’t dare oppose her, sides I don’t think it would have done any good anyways. I kind of could see where Jax got his stubborn streak from but I ain’t telling her that! I stand up tentatively, surprised that the pain I was expecting don’t come.
“Don’t worry, it’s almost healed. One of the advantages of your kind.” She taps me on the nose gently as if to take the bite off of her words. “And just in time too ...I have a surprise for you.” She turns to leave the room but I grab her arm.
“Wait...there’s one more thing I need to know. Jax....he blames Jenna for what happened don’t he? For drawing the Prezedant here. For his pa’s death. For the villagers. That’s why he...why I disgust him so much,” I say.
She nods and gives me a sad little smile. “You have to remember, he was barely past being a child himself when all this happened. He didn’t understand. He needed someone to take the blame for his loss, to help him make sense of all that happened. Someday he will understand. He will forgive her, of that I have no doubt. Now come with me...your surprise awaits.”
**************************************************************************************************
Surprise ain’t ever been a good word in my opinion. The scrub tub full of hot water she had waiting for me I had appreciated since, I had to admit, I was starting to smell pretty ripe. Her washing and braiding my hair with tiny ribbons, I had tolerated since they did a fine job of hiding my white stripes. But this! This was ridiculous!
“Stop fidgeting Tara. You look lovely.”
“I cain’t help it...it’s itching me something fierce!” I skulk along behind Vi, tugging at the constricting frilly neckband of the stupid dress I was wearing and fully aware of all the curious onlookers. How she had talked me into wearing this ridiculous getup I still cain’t figure out. I had taken one look at the ruffled contraption earlier when she had showed me and backed away in horror.
“Oh no! You ain’t getting me into that,” I had told her but she was insistent.
“You don’t have much choice child. Your own tattered bloodied clothes I burnt and until I can get a pair of Jax’s trousers altered for you, this is your only option.”
“Fine then, I’ll just wait in bed ‘til you’re done the altering,” I had said but she wasn’t having none of that.
“You will do no such thing young lady. Tonight is a grand event, a betrothal celebration! You can’t miss this. We have been saving for this all year. There’s going to be music, dancing, storytelling...and the food oh my! Roasted rabbit, meat pies, fresh corn, sweet biscuits. Why just thinking of it is making my mouth water.”
Mine too but I wasn’t going to tell her that.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” I had said. “And it ain’t gonna work.”
Shizen! How many villagers lived here anyways? And what are they all looking at? Ain’t they ever seen a girl in a dress before? Vi keeps smiling and waving at everybody as we make our way through the village. Why she gotta be calling attention to us like that? I cringe a little bit more every time she calls someone’s name, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. A little dark haired girl, no more the 9 or 10 born years runs right up to us and grabs my dress tail, nearly causing me to trip over it.
“I’m Nina,” she says smiling at me like I was her long lost kin. “And you’re Tara. Finn told me all about you.”
“Is that so?” I say, still giving anyone who dares look my way the evil eye. It don’t work. They’re all still staring at me like I’m some weird sand lands critter. I give up and focus on the child’s face in front of me just so I ain’t got to be looking at everybody else.
“Where is Finn?” I say to her. I notice my words come out all breathless and high pitched ‘cause the dress is cinched so damn tight about my waist it’s making it hard for me to breath. She just giggles and points.
“Over there at the table. Him and Cat. Cat is so pretty...I just love her. She licks my face all the time and her tongue is so cold!”
“That it is,” I say, deciding against mentioning the devouring incident at Finn’s village to the girl. Poor kid don’t need to know where that tongue has been.
I see Finn then, just like she said, propped up against a table so laden with food that my eyes almost bug out of my head. Vi wasn’t lying...there was so much food! Finn is stuffing his pie hole so fast I’m scared he’s going to choke. Cat is lying under the table chewing contentedly on a big old bone but at seeing me she rears up and comes lunging at me. I brace myself just in time as she rams her big head into my chest, rubbing against me like crazy.
“Okay, okay...calm down you overgrown lap rat! It’s good to see you too,” I say, trying to push her away. Finn spots me then and he ain’t no better than his beast. He comes flying at me and his scrawny arms circle my waist.
“Tara! I’m so glad you got better. I was so worried! You wouldn’t let me see you and I’m real sorry about before...about being scared and all.”
“Shush,” I say cutting off his words. “I know you’re sorry, don’t say no more ‘bout it.” Besides I don’t want to talk about that, not here in front of everybody else. He just nods at me as if understanding, then slowly looks me up and down as if suddenly realizing something different about me.
“Tara...are you wearing a dress?”
“What of it?” I say a little more sharply then I intend to. “Ain’t no law against wearing a dress is there?”
Vi smiles at the boy and tousles his hair.
“Doesn’t she look lovely Finn?” she asks but he just shrugs.
“I guess so,” he says, eyeballing me doubtfully. Yeah, that really makes me feel a whole lot better. But he don’t have time to say no more before Tater comes lumbering over to us, a mug of ale in one hand and a huge smile covering his flushed face. It was my first time seeing him since our run in with the Army. If he was bothered any by what he had witnessed me do he ain’t showing it.
“Ah the sleeping princess has arisen from her chambers at last. It is truly wonderful to see you my dear, and in such fine attire. Being in the constant presence of such a lovely lady as our Vi here has most certainly rubbed off on you. Given a little more time I have no doubt she could perform the impossible and turn you into a remarkable lady of refinement.”
Typical Tater. I ain’t sure but I feel there’s an insult amongst those words somehow. But I find I don’t care. I am actually glad to see him, ugly wrinkled face and all. I truly believed he would have abandoned us by now and gone his separate way. He has no loyalty to us, why was he even
still here I wonder. But then my unspoken question is answered as a plump little woman with rosy cheeks yells his name.
“Oh Winston...I have a fresh mug of ale for you,” she says, batting her eyes at him like she got sand in ‘em.
“Coming my lovely,” he answers back then gives me a waggle of his bushy eyebrows. “Don’t rush your healing on my account my dear....take all the time you need. This is truly an enjoyable village.”
I cain’t help but laugh at his retreating back. The laughter feels real good and truly surprises me. I didn’t think I had it left in me to laugh. I look about at everything happening ‘round me...really look. The villagers, they had mostly lost interest in me by now and they are all talking...eating....some are dancing to the little band of music makers. It was a celebration of life happening around me and I find, amazingly, that I very much want to be a part of it. We had been at deaths door but we had made it through, all of us, alive and whole and it didn’t matter how we had made it...did it? So I had performed something totally strange and unexplainable. So I was truly and undoubtedly a freak. So what? I had saved them, Jax, Tater, Finn...they were alive and here ‘cause of me. It felt good....damn good. Knowing I was somewhat responsible for them being alive, well, it makes me feel lighter somehow...like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Like my being able to save them somehow made up for my failure in saving Rivercross.
Suddenly ravenous, I grin at Finn.
“So how’s the grub table Finn?”
“Oh gods Tara, there’s everything you could ever want! I still ain’t tried it all...there’s so much.”
“Well whadda you waiting for? I’m starving!” I say and hook my arm through his.
I don’t know where to begin, there is so much food! I ain’t ever seen a spread like this, not ever back in Rivercross. Everything looks so delicious and my mouth is watering in anticipation. There’s platters of roasted rabbit, meat pies piled high, mountains of golden corn, bowls of greens and other things I cain’t even say what they were. The smell wafting from it all is simply amazing and my stomach rumbles loudly. Eagerly I reach for a sweet biscuit the same time as someone behind me and we try to take the same one.
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