by Mark Hayden
‘I don’t think they are,’ said Vicky.
I turned on my partner. ‘Not you, too.’
She gave me a shrug so big that she lifted her crutch off the floor. ‘I’m easy. I take it there will be wine involved?’
Mina gave me a grin as she put the plates out. It was time to put my foot down. I turned to Vicky and said, ‘If it’s wine you’re after, we can adjourn to the library and you can give me that briefing on the Fae.’
‘Aye. Fair enough. It’s about time, now that they’re definitely implicated.’
‘Duw God,’ said Myfanwy. ‘Good luck with that, Vicky. Rather you than me.’
Over dinner, Mina said, ‘We got chatting to Doctor Mirren in the shop this morning.’ The “we” in that sentence was her and Myfanwy, of course.
Dr Mirren – Grace – is my GP. She’s the GP to a quarter of the village, and most of the rest are with her male colleagues at their surgery in Bishop’s Cleeve. Unlike the others, Grace is willing to take some patients privately.
‘Good,’ I said. ‘And?’
Mina looked from me to Vicky. ‘She signed up Myvvy, no problem, not that Mages need the doctor much.’
‘True,’ said Vicky. ‘Unless your partner breaks your foot and gets you shot at.’
‘She also agreed to take me as a private patient,’ said Mina. She looked down at her half-eaten meal and pushed it away. ‘She’s given me a note saying that I shouldn’t travel until Wednesday.’
Okay. That was unexpected. I’m not sorry that Mina will be here for another night, definitely not, nor am I bothered that she’d just (effectively) bribed a doctor to forge a note for the prison service. That was definitely a victimless crime. However, I could see what was coming next.
‘And there’s something else,’ said Myfanwy. ‘Mina and I want to attend the summoning.’
Vicky put her fork down and looked at me. This was my call.
‘We had planned for Myfanwy to be the backstop,’ I said. ‘You could watch from the house and be ready to call the cavalry if something goes wrong. We need a Mage for that.’
Myfanwy put her hands on the table. ‘It should be Rick. He’s only two hours away, his childcare duties will be over and he can put up a proper defence if need be. I don’t want Clerkswell to be at risk like … like the Brecon Beacons were going to be.’
I think she meant it. I think she really had come to see how close she’d been to helping initiate a Dragon-based apocalypse. ‘Vicky?’
‘Sounds good to me. I’ll give him and Hannah a text.’
‘Thanks. Don’t mention Mina, though.’
She gave me a Duuh look.
After supper, we went our separate ways. Mina and Myvvy headed into the sitting room to spend the evening with Simon Cowell while Vicky and I made ourselves comfortable in the library.
Vicky shifted in her armchair so that she could keep her foot as elevated as possible. I topped up our glasses, and she began to tell me about the Fae.
‘What do you think a female is?’ she began.
‘Female what?’
‘Female anything. Human, raven, oak tree, mushroom…’
I’m good at geography and history; Vicky is good at biology, and especially good at genetics. Until tonight, for example, I thought everything more complex than a nematode worm had X and Y chromosomes, that the old joke about the birds and the bees implies a universal pattern for reproduction. Not so. I got lost around the time she mentioned Haplodiploidy. I thought she was drunk, but no, it actually is a thing: it’s how the bees really get it off with each other. And wasps and ants … and, in a manner of speaking, the Fae.
I’ve met Gnomes, Dwarves, one god, one Dragon and one very aggressive Giant Mole. All of these creatures are special and different. All Dragons are female, for example, and Dwarves are silicon based rather than carbon based. If I tried to explain all the ways of Fae at once, your head would hurt as much as mine did, and that was before the hangover kicked in. I’ll just give you the basic headlines.
The Fae have human features, but they are most definitely not human. Their lifecycle is complicated and shares features of both human and honey bee reproduction.
I know. I’m still scratching my head about that one. Anyway…
They’ve been around since well before the first dynasty of Ancient Egypt.
Periodically they disappear underground to change their form, and are all tied to the sídhe (underground realm) where their Queen lives. Fae family relations are complicated.
They have a very rigid hierarchy and love titles.
They are very powerful users of magick, but you’d probably guessed that already.
There is a Fae Duchess on the Occult Council. Everyone except the Warden thought that the guest in Newton’s House was one of her Hlæfdige (which is the word from which ‘Lady’ derives. I’ve only used it because I went to the trouble of writing it down).
If only the Warden had said something when she/he first walked in, those two waitresses would still be alive. Shortly after that point, we went to bed. Mina was already asleep.
And if you’re wondering, according to Vicky, the female of any species is the one who produces eggs. So now you know.
9 — Batting Order
Easter Sunday. The day for families to gather round and consume chocolate.
‘I’m going to Slimming World on Wednesday, so it doesn’t matter,’ said Myfanwy handing round the eggs that we’d bought for her in Cheltenham. I’d had to make two trips to the car with that lot. Mina accepted hers gratefully and promptly passed it back.
‘I don’t want to ruin my appetite before my first trip to the Inkwell,’ she said.
‘Do I have to walk?’ asked Vicky.
‘No. I’ll drive us. Someone will be able to give you a lift back here. Mind you, after last night, I’m not sure I want that much to drink.’
We were sitting round in the kitchen finishing off a hearty cooked breakfast (my cooking). Mina had brought down a bright red kameez, a vivid blue sari and a Western shift dress. For some reason, she seemed to think that I would have an opinion on the subject. And I thought she knew me so well.
‘It’s about who you want me to be,’ she said. ‘This is your local pub. I will be on display there, like a cricket trophy.’
Vicky coughed. She has been exposed to Mina’s sense of the ridiculous a lot longer than Myfanwy, who was about to protest that Mina was not an object to be paraded around. I got in first.
‘It’s too cold for the sari,’ I said, ‘and that dress is too like something you’d wear to the office. Wear the kameez with the black leggings and Nike trainers.’
Mina does know me well. She knew exactly what I was saying. ‘Indian, but not too Indian. Don’t want to upset the natives, do we?’
‘I wouldn’t worry about that,’ I said. ‘Most of the village have eaten curry at some point, and some of them even like it.’
‘Ha ha. Where are you going?’
‘To look at a horse. And get rid of that body in the stables. Hannah told me to drop it off at an undertakers in Cheltenham. I’ll be back before one o’clock.’
I’m not dense, you know. I am fully aware that a first trip to the village pub was going to be an ordeal for Mina and, to a lesser degree, Myfanwy. Most of the regulars have met Vicky and know that she’s my work partner. I would have loved to take Mina there on my own this weekend, to have her to myself, but at least in a group she wouldn’t stick out so much.
Who am I kidding? The only non-white customers in the Inkwell are members of visiting cricket teams. My family is one of the oldest in the village. Of course she was going to stand out.
We are lucky in Clerkswell. Our village pub nearly closed a few years ago, until it was bought out by Reynold and his then boyfriend, a chef. They spent a lot of money installing a micro-brewery in an outbuilding, and didn’t have enough to renovate the kitchens, at which point the chef stormed off and Reynold nearly had to sell up. My father had paid for the pipe running from our we
ll down to the pub, and this was a very long-term investment. I think he even lent Reynold some money to help him buy out his ex.
Reynold is now happily married to Mike, who keeps his feet firmly on the ground. The beer is excellent, the decor is classic rural chintz and the food is average.
There isn’t much privacy in the Inkwell, but there is a table in a little annex that’s been very popular over the years with adulterous couples from Cheltenham. They think they can canoodle in there without their spouses finding out, but Rosie the bar manager sees all. She wouldn’t dream of actually posting pictures on Facebook, but a subtle hint at the right time means that she makes a lot of money in tips. Such is the reputation of that table that the cricket team even named it Nookie Corner.
It did at least mean that we had some privacy. Myfanwy sat in the middle, Vicky to her left and Mina to her right, next to me. I had to sit on a stool for extra leg room. I went to get the first round of drinks and run the gauntlet of Rosie and Neil from the village shop. Myfanwy had been to the shop at least four times already, including this morning.
‘Has your friend heard from her agent yet?’ said Neil.
I looked over to Nookie Corner. Mina and Myfanwy were grinning at me. Vicky was studying the menu.
‘Which one?’ I said.
‘Your … erm … Asmina? Was that her name?’
‘Mina.’
‘Sorry. Yes. She told me that she was waiting to hear from her agent about an audition in LA.’
Right. What was I to say to that? Play along, I suppose. ‘You must have misheard. She probably said Bollywood not Hollywood.’
‘Oh no,’ said Neil. ‘That’s what I said, but Mina was adamant: Universal Studios are making a TV version of Excalibur, and she was auditioning for Morgan le Fey.’
Okay. That was creative. ‘Oh, that audition! She was in Mumbai first, then she went to LA. She’s not very hopeful. She thinks that she was only there to give a bit of diversity.’
Rosie, of course, had been listening to every word. She put down two pints of Inkwell bitter and Vicky’s large Burgundy, then said, ‘That’s not what Myfanwy said. She said that Mina was doing location scouting for Midsomer Murders.’
‘That’s next week. I’ll have a double Jensen’s with Fentiman’s tonic, too. And a bottle of sparkling water.’
Very casually, with her back to me as she poured the gin, Rosie said, ‘I didn’t catch Mina’s family name.’
Three could play at this game. ‘That’s because they’ve disowned her,’ I said. ‘They said she had betrayed them.’
Neil and Rosie were agog, and all three of us looked at Mina in her scarlet kameez as she brushed back her hair to point at something on the menu. Rosie and Neil clearly thought this betrayal was something to do with consorting with me. I left them hanging for a second, then said, ‘It’s because she trained to be an accountant.’
‘An accountant!’ said Reynold, who never misses a chance for gossip and had drifted over to join in.
‘She doesn’t practise any more, but show her your ledgers if you don’t believe me. Put these on a tab, will you?’
I carried the drinks over and Myfanwy couldn’t wait to sample the Inkwell bitter. She pronounced it good.
‘Cheers, everyone,’ said Mina. We raised our glasses, and she continued. ‘I have an Easter treat for us. I’ve brought this.’ She whipped out a DVD with the face of Rani Mukherjee on it. ‘What do you say? Girls only, or is he invited?’
‘What’s that?’ said Myfanwy.
‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,’ I replied. ‘It comes with an oestrogen warning. I think I might go for a walk.’
Mina tried a sip of my beer and made a face. ‘That may take some getting used to,’ she said. ‘Also the menu with so much beef. Roast beef, beefburgers, steak and ale pies. Rump steak. Urgh. As it’s not our kitchen, the no-beef rule is suspended.’
We were chatting happily away and Mina was filling the other two in on the conventions of Bollywood when I realised that, since we’d all arrived on Thursday, the three women were constantly pairing off in different combinations.
I’m no expert on female friendships, but it did seem slightly odd that whenever they were all together, they were rarely a threesome. There was usually a pair and one odd one out, and that configuration could change by the second.
Mina and Myfanwy bonded because they were both in prison and would both have criminal records for the rest of their lives, whereas Vicky is an officer of the law.
Mina and Vicky bonded because they were both survivors of serious trauma, had both used violence to defend themselves, taking another life in the process, and because they’d been that bit closer to the Abyss than Myfanwy ever had.
Vicky and Myfanwy bonded because they were Mages, and because Myfanwy had brought Vicky back from the dead.
Most of the regulars had looked over to our corner, a few had said hello, but we’d not been disturbed until a group of three came towards us. In the lead were Ben Thewlis, captain of the cricket team and his sister, Carole. Behind them was a man whose face was in shadow, and who turned to leave when Ben said, ‘Look, there’s Conrad.’
I stood up, and Carole gave me a hug and a kiss. She turned round and frowned.
‘Oh. I was going to introduce you to my fiancé. He must have gone to the car.’
I introduced Carole to the girls, and she lingered in particular over Mina. I had no doubt that a detailed report would be on its way to my sister before long; Carole and Rachael go way back. Mina made a point of saying how much she liked Carole’s dress. I don’t know why she said that – it looked like a perfectly normal dress to me, but Mina will have had a motive. She knows that, as well as being Rachael’s friend, Carole is one of my exes.
Carole left to seek her man, and Ben nodded a hello. He’s met Vicky a couple of times, but not the others. ‘You know what, mate,’ he said to me. ‘I’ve just worked it out: fifteen per cent of the women under thirty in Clerkswell are now living in your house. Did you know that?’
‘What percentage of the unattached ones?’ said Mina.
‘Forty,’ said Ben, without hesitation. Did he look at Myfanwy when he said that?
‘There are only five single women under thirty in Clerkswell?’ said Mina. She’s very good at maths.
Ben sighed. ‘Don’t I know it. Anyway, Conrad, I’m setting you a challenge.’
‘Why do I not like the sound of that?’
‘You need to show some leadership.’
It was Vicky who spoke first. ‘Be very careful what you say next, Ben.’
He grinned. ‘The challenge is this: that Mina, Myfanwy and Vicky either start a women’s cricket team or they do the teas for the men.’
‘Deal,’ said Mina. ‘Provided that the men do the tea for our first game.’
Ben leaned over and shook her hand. ‘You’re on, Mina.’ He turned to me. ‘You haven’t forgotten tomorrow, have you?’
‘Wouldn’t dare, skipper. I’ll be there.’
When Ben had gone, Mina turned to the others, expecting some banter, but Vicky and Myfanwy were giving each other a much more serious look. ‘Did you notice?’ said Vicky to Myfanwy.
‘Yes. I could hardly miss it now, could I?’
‘Notice what?’ said Mina and I together.
Vicky leaned in draw us together. ‘I reckon that right now, seventy-five percent of the Mages in Clerkswell are at this table, and the other one is Carole Thewlis’s fiancé. I wonder why he didn’t want to chat, and why he used a Glamour to slip out?’
We speculated, fruitlessly, then talk did turn to cricket. Vicky was very non-committal, but Myfanwy was keen, especially when I said that Ben was quite a good coach and would be glad to put them through their paces.
I left them to their DVD and got some exercise taking a long walk up the scarp behind the house, down and round back to the village.
I took a detour at the end so that I could check out Mr & Mrs Thewlis’s house. Ben has his own place, a t
iny old cottage behind the village green, but for Easter Sunday dinner, he would be with his parents, as would Carole. Strangely, there was no black Mercedes in the drive or nearby. Had the mysterious fiancé received an urgent call from London, or was he avoiding the Elvenham House Coven?
On Monday, while Mina and Vicky shopped in Bishop’s Cleeve, and Myfanwy made up more beds, I turned out at Mrs Clarke’s Folly, home of Clerkswell Cricket Club. Every Easter, the team has to show up and renovate the pavilion ready for the season ahead. And if you are on holiday, you have to send a substitute. We were all there, and I asked Ben about Carole’s fiancé.
‘Dunno,’ said Ben. ‘His name is Isaac Fisher, and I think he’s too old for her.’
I gave him the eye. This was dangerous ground.
‘Hey, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s a much bigger age gap than the one between you and Mina. Must be fifteen years at least.’
‘Where did he get to yesterday?’
‘Now that was weird. He drove to the station in Cheltenham for some reason and got a taxi back, then made me take him back to the station first thing this morning. Carole wasn’t happy, I can tell you. They were supposed to visit wedding venues today, and he’s buggered off to London. Carole’s gone off with Mum.’
I sent Vicky a text, and she promised to ask around. By the time Ben released us, the pavilion was once more fit for purpose and my arms ached from painting the ceiling. Again. On the plus side, all the arrangements were now in place for the summoning tomorrow.
10 — Welcome to the Party
‘That was delicious,’ said Francesca Somerton as she put down her napkin. ‘I haven’t eaten so well for a long time.’
‘And me,’ said Rick James. ‘Well done, both of you.’
There were two small islands of clean table, one round the Keeper and the other next to Mina. Everyone else had had great fun dropping rice, dripping yogurt and generally making a mess of the Gujarati feast conjured up by Mina and Myfanwy.
As everyone joined in the praise, the Keeper of the Queen’s Esoteric Library turned her chair to the side and arched her eyebrows. ‘I hope you’re not going to be lumbered with the washing up while we go to the well.’