Lu laughed, but Eli turned a little green.
“Casper likes me,” he argued.
“He don’t like anyone that much,” Forrest said with a chuckle. He turned to me. “We still leavin’ bright and early?”
“That’s the plan. Why?”
He jerked his head toward Cecilia. “Just thinkin’ that a little more time to rest and feel comfortable would be good for her. She can make another day trip, but by the time we get to Oregon, she’s gonna be worn the fuck out. Those antibiotics are only gonna do so much—she needs to rest.”
“Thought she’d be feeling better by now,” I replied. Cecilia was picking at her food, shoulders slumped and eyes tired, even though she was smiling at the people talking to her.
“A couple’a days here isn’t gonna hurt,” Forrest said. “Just a thought. Give us some time to hear from Wilson, too.”
“You’re forgetting that they’ve got an emergency up in Oregon,” I replied. “Cecilia’s cousin is still missing.”
“Right,” he muttered. “But she ain’t our mission. Your girl is.”
I nodded and slapped him on the back as I moved toward the group gathered around the massive pile of pizza boxes.
“You guys all know Doc’s son, Woody, right?” Farrah asked, smiling up at me from her seat next to Cecilia.
“Don’t think we’ve ever met,” an older guy said, reaching out to shake my hand. “I’m Throttle.”
“I didn’t spend much time down here,” I replied, as I shook his hand.
“Lost your old man pretty young,” he said in understanding. “Tough.”
“It happens when your old man was old as shit before you were born,” I replied, making him laugh a little.
“You got a point there,” he said, nodding in agreement. “Never figured out how the man did it—and I understand it even less now. Randy old bastard.”
A few others introduced themselves and I went through the motions, but my attention stayed focused on Cecilia. She was practically falling asleep in her chair.
The second time her eyes closed for a few seconds before she jerked them open again, I’d had enough. Rounding the table, I didn’t bother arguing with her, I just grabbed her hand and tugged her up beside me.
“What are you doing?” she asked with a yelp.
“Takin’ her to bed,” I told Farrah, ignoring Cecilia. “Can you bring Olive in?”
“Yep,” Farrah said with a nod. “As soon as she starts fussing. Give you guys a little time first.”
“Perfect.”
Cecilia was silent as I towed her through the clubhouse. I wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t want everyone hearing our argument, or if she was just so wiped out that she was relieved I’d made the decision for her. Probably the former. She used to hate when her parents would get into loud arguments in front of everyone—it embarrassed the shit out of her—which was actually pretty funny since nothing else seemed to phase her.
“You need sleep,” I told her as we had some privacy.
“I need a shower first,” she said with a sigh. “I’m not climbing into bed like this.”
I thought about it for a moment, wondering just how far she was willing to argue. By the mutinous set of her mouth, pretty far.
“Alright, what do you need from the truck?”
“I can go,” she said, reaching up to rub at her eyes. “I need a bunch of crap and it’s all in different bags.”
“What do you need?”
“I can—” Her eyes met mine and her mouth snapped shut. She sighed. “I need a new pair of underwear, another sports bra, shirt, pants, and socks.”
“You need that baby soap we got at the store?”
“No.” She sat carefully on the bed. “My toiletries are in the diaper bag.”
“Alright.”
“You don’t have to wait on me,” she said softly.
“I don’t mind goin’ to get your stuff,” I said, reaching out to run my hand over her hair. God, she looked so worn down. I’d never seen her look so drained. “I’ll be right back.”
It took me longer than I wanted to find everything she’d asked for because my shoulder was throbbing like a bitch and I had to baby it—but eventually, I’d packed her an overnight bag and headed back toward the building. I didn’t notice Casper standing outside until he called my name.
“What’s up?” I asked, stopping a few feet away.
“Can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done,” he said, his words coming out with a billow of smoke. I glanced down at the joint in his hand and he raised it in invitation.
“I’m good,” I said with a shake of my head.
“Helps me sleep,” he said, leaning back against the brick wall. “Took sleepin’ pills for a bit, but they made me groggy as fuck. Plus, I’m not a fan of big pharma tryin’ to shove pills down my throat when this works better.”
I just nodded. I wasn’t sure where the conversation was going.
“You came through in a big way,” he said, nodding. “And I gotta ask, man, what now?”
“What do you mean?”
Casper grunted. “I mean, we get to Eugene and then what? You leavin’?”
I didn’t respond.
“If the past is any indication, you’re gonna take off and I’m gonna have a daughter in my house that’s inconsolable, angry at the world, and never leaves her room.” He took a hit off his joint, paused and then let it drift out his nose and mouth. “But from what I’m seein’ now, that might not be the case. Just tryin’ to get the lay of the land.”
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “There’s a lot of history there.”
“You’re tellin’ me,” he chuckled humorlessly. “But fuck, man. That shit never comes easy. It just don’t. Doesn’t matter what kind of history you got.”
“I think ours is probably worst than most.”
“Yeah,” he said. “You’d think that. But I know a few couples that had it worse, and they’re still fallin’ asleep together every night.”
I just stood there. I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do. Part of me wanted to put a fucking brand on Cecilia’s forehead so everyone knew she was mine. The other part wanted to get her where she needed to be and then go back to my boring, drama-free life.
Shit.
“Yeah, I see the wheels turnin’,” he said. “Think on it.”
He strode away into the darkness and I turned toward the door. I guess I was lucky that he hadn’t punched me while he had the chance. I’d always kind of been waiting for the payback, the retribution for completely fucking up his daughter’s life—but it never came. He’d always been civil, even when I’d come back to visit the year after it all went down.
Without conscious thought, my first instinct when I stepped into the common area was to find Olive. Farrah was holding her, swaying side to side, and I let out a breath. I knew she was fine, she was as safe as she could be in the middle of the clubhouse, but there was this weird, constant niggle in the back of my mind to know where she was at all times. It was like needing to know where my wallet was, but a fuck of a lot stronger.
“CeeCee sleeping?” Farrah called out as I made my way through the room.
“She wants a shower first,” I replied, gesturing to the bag in my hand.
“Okay, when she’s done, this sweet thing’s getting hungry.”
“Alright. I’ll come get her as soon as Cec is finished,” I said.
“He’s a cutie,” I heard Eileen say as I left the room. My lips twitched. I didn’t know if I’d ever been called a cutie in my life. I’d been an awkward kid and then a pretty solidly built man. Cute was for round cheeks and charm, neither of which I’d ever had.
“Hey, baby,” I said opening the door to our room. “You ready?”
Cecilia’s eyes popped open as she sat up. “Yeah, all set.”
She followed me groggily to the bathroom, clutching her toiletry bag against her stomach, then stood there awkwardly as I turned the sh
ower on for her.
“You can just put the clothes on the toilet,” she murmured finally. “I got it from here.”
I laughed. “No way am I leaving you in here to pass out alone in the shower.”
“You’re not staying.”
“I am,” I said flatly, sitting down on the closed toilet lid.
“I can shower by myself.”
“Not happening.”
She stood there staring at me like the force of her gaze could get me to change my mind. I wasn’t sure why, since it had never worked in the almost twenty years we’d known each other.
“You want me to go get your mom instead?” I asked.
She grimaced. “No.”
“Then you’ve got me.”
Cecilia let out a loud sigh and I felt my lips twitching as I tried not to smile.
“At least give me five minutes alone to go to the bathroom,” she said mutinously.
“Fine.” I got to my feet and set her clothes on the counter. “But if you lock that door, I’ll break it down.”
“You’re an asshole,” she muttered in exasperation, clearly frustrated that I’d known what she was up to.
“Been called worse,” I said as I slid around her to the door. “Keep this unlocked.”
By the time I opened the door again and stepped inside, she was already in the shower. I was both relieved and a little disappointed, but the frosted shower door didn’t hide much. I tried to give her some privacy, averting my eyes as I leaned against the counter, but I couldn’t seem to stop my gaze from darting back to her silhouette over and over again. Hell, I was an asshole. But Jesus, it had been nearly a decade since I’d seen her naked, and I was jonesing big time for another look.
When the shower finally shut off, I grabbed a towel from the shelf above the toilet and handed it over the door.
“Thanks,” she called wearily. “Did you bring my bag in with you?”
“Yeah, I got it,” I said to the wall, my back to her.
She was silent for a few moments. “Okay, can you hand me the underwear and bra?”
“You’re gonna get dressed in the shower?” I asked doubtfully.
“I’m all dried off,” she replied. “You can just toss them over the door.”
I laughed as I grabbed her underwear from the bag. No way was I tossing them to her. She’d never been able to catch anything, her hand-eye coordination was the equivalent of a four-year-old. “Here,” I said, keeping my eyes on the wall as I handed them over.
A few curses from the shower later, I was sidestepping to get out of her way as she swung the door open.
“Damn, it’s cold,” she complained, shivering as she bent down to the bag on the floor. She swayed a little. “Can you give me a minute to get dressed?”
“You’re standin’ in front of me in your underwear,” I replied, trying to ignore the changes I could see, the ones I wanted to map with my hands. “Why do you need a minute to get dressed? What’s left to hide?”
I knew I should probably give her some privacy, but the way she was swaying worried me. I wasn’t about to leave her alone and have her go down when I couldn’t catch her. In all honesty, I also wasn’t sure that I could drag myself away at that point.
“You know what?” she snapped. “Nothing at all.”
Then, without any kind of hesitation, she reached into her toiletry bag.
When we were young, we’d been adventurous, to put it lightly. I’d seen Cecilia naked in every position known to man, and probably a few that we’d invented ourselves. But it was almost an out of body experience as I watched her pull her underwear down around her thighs and place a pad in the crotch, situating it just so. It was more personal, more intimate, than anything I’d ever experienced. I felt it like a blow to the solar plexus, that small peek into something so private. Swallowing hard, I watched as she pulled the underwear back up around her hips.
She stood up defiantly, her arms dangling at her sides, and I was toast.
“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” I blurted, staring at her as I tried to figure out what the fuck I was feeling. She was Cecilia. I knew I loved her. I’d always known I loved her. So why the fuck did I feel like my chest was about to cave in? Why the hell was it so hard to breathe? It was like an earthquake was rumbling beneath us and I was struggling to plant my feet.
“You must not get out much,” she replied, crouching down to rifle through the bag I’d brought. She barely had any room to move because I seemed to be incapable of giving her space, but she got dressed quickly anyway. “Come on,” she said, running her fingers through her hair. “We can’t stay in here all night.”
I nodded dumbly and led her out of the bathroom.
Farrah was waiting in the hallway. “Sorry,” she said, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “She’s about fed up with me, she needs Mama.”
Cecilia froze for just a second before moving toward her mom. “That’s okay, I’m all done anyway.”
“Did you get a good shower?” Farrah asked, her eyes meeting mine as she handed the baby over.
I felt the back of my neck and my ears heat in embarrassment, something that hadn’t happened since I was a teenager.
“I feel so much better,” Cecilia replied, missing the exchange. “Now I just need to get her changed and fed, and I can crash.”
“We’re just two rooms down,” Farrah said, reaching out to cradle CeeCee’s head in her palm as she kissed the opposite side. “We’ll probably be up visiting for a while, but let us know if you need anything.”
“I will.”
Farrah looked at me. “You in for the night, too?”
“Nah,” I shook my head, still a little dazed. “I’ll be out in a while.”
I followed Cecilia into our room and sat on the edge of the bed while she got Olive ready for bed. The baby was seriously pissed, and the second Cecilia put her down she let loose with an ear-piercing wail.
“I’m hurrying,” Cecilia called as she pulled supplies out of the diaper bag. “Just give me one second.”
“I don’t think she cares that you’re hurrying,” I joked over the noise. I was so fucking raw, I wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.
“I think she’s tired of my shit,” Cecilia said with a humorless chuckle. “But I’m all she’s got.”
I watched her change the baby and wrap her back up, her movements gentle and confident. By the time Cecilia got situated and Olive was nursing quietly, I finally opened my mouth again.
“Why do you say stuff like that?” I asked, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees. I was starting to feel as tired as Cecilia looked.
“Like what?” she replied in confusion.
“Why do you put yourself down? She’s lucky to have you.”
“Lucky would’ve been Liv,” Cecilia said flatly. “Lucky would’ve been sleeping in that nursery that her mom spent months working on, and getting on some kind of schedule, and being rocked to sleep in a rocking chair. Lucky would’ve been two parents that loved her and wanted her so much that they went to pretty great lengths to get her. She’s not lucky.”
“I think you’re forgetting something.”
“Oh, yeah?” Cecilia said, dryly. “What’s that?”
“That her parents were white supremacists and her dad was the head of an organization that pretty much disappears entire families when they try to escape their fucked up lives,” I said, not bothering to pull any punches. “That her older brother is a fucking murderer that killed her parents and would’ve killed her. She’s goddamn lucky that you’re the one who saved her, that she has all these people—good people—that will have her back. What kind of life would she have had if the Warrens had lived?”
“I wasn’t planning on being a parent,” Cecilia murmured. “This was never in the cards.”
“That would’ve been a fucking shame,” I said baldly.
“I wasn’t cut out for this.”
“Bullshit,” I practically spit. �
��If ever there was a woman who should be a mother, it’s you.”
“How do you figure?”
“Cecilia, you are one of the most loyal and protective people I’ve ever known.”
She laughed. “Yeah, right.”
“Don’t pull that shit with me,” I said, sitting up straight. “Don’t forget who you’re talking to right now.”
“How could I?” she mumbled. “You’re literally the only person on the planet who would ever say that.”
“That’s because I know you better than anyone else on the planet does.”
“You hadn’t even seen me in years.”
“People don’t change that much,” I said with a sigh. I should’ve added stubborn to her list of traits. “Who they are, the root of them, doesn’t change. You haven’t changed.”
“Yes, I have,” she said, staring into my eyes.
“I see you,” I replied, holding her stare. “I’ve always seen you. I’m not someone you can hide from.”
“Then you should see that—”
“Cec,” I said quietly, not letting her finish whatever bullshit she was about to say. “I see the girl who ran into danger to save her cousin and protected that cousin with her own body.”
“It was only a couple steps,” she whispered.
“And I see the girl who didn’t bother to tell anyone about the gunshot she got in the process—”
“It was only a graze. It was nothing.”
“And I see the girl that has lived her entire life feeling guilty for shit that was completely outside her control.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I see the girl who’s entire family was in crisis and she still went and sat by some kid’s bedside so he wouldn’t be alone.”
“Shut up.”
“A girl who put up with every dirty look and every stare because she refused to leave that kid behind, even though her people wanted her with someone else.”
“I’m serious, Mark. Be quiet.”
“I see the girl that didn’t tell anyone how bad she was hurting because she didn’t want to burden them. Who shut everyone out, every single person, except me.”
“Don’t make me into some saint,” she spat, lifting the baby to her shoulder to burp her. “You know the shit I pulled.”
Craving Cecilia Page 15