“It’s not his place to forgive, and I don’t need his permission.”
“I know,” she said. “Give him some time. He’ll see how the two of you are together and soften. He probably already has—which is why you should go see him.”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” I replied, my lips twitching as my mom started dropping into a crouch and shaking her booty, “but I’ve got about all I can handle already. Leo’s feelings are pretty low on my priority list.”
“That’s fair,” she said, reaching out to pat my arm. “But you saved his life and you should give him the opportunity to thank you.”
“I didn’t save him,” I said, my voice rising.
I was strung tight. Mark still wasn’t back, and I was starting to worry. I’d been cooped up in the clubhouse longer than I wanted to think about. My hormones were still out of control. And even though people were being nice to me, I still didn’t feel comfortable around any of them, knowing that, at any moment, I could say the wrong thing and suddenly be persona non-grata.
I didn’t trust them, and it made every conversation I had become like some sort of minefield that I had to pick my way through. I finally snapped.
“It was my fault that Drake Warren was even there. I’m the reason Leo was run off the road. I’m the reason that he’s in the hospital. So, stop saying that I saved him. I’m the one who got him hurt.” By that point I was shouting, and the clubhouse grew silent around me as someone shut off the music.
“I’m the reason your dad was shot,” Brenna said, yelling back at me. It startled me so much that I slid off the stool to my feet and backed up a step. The room was silent for a beat.
“I’m the reason my parents died,” Aunt Callie said. “Your grandparents.”
“I knew the man that was responsible for the shooting that killed our family,” Trix said quietly. “The guys tried to keep it a secret, but I know.”
“I almost got my children killed when I got into the car with a man I knew wasn’t right and my son bore the scars of that for years,” my mom said, her eyes pained as she watched me. “My daughter was shot, and I didn’t even notice.”
“I kept it a secret when I knew my best friend was being hurt,” Hawk said, pushing her blue hair away from her face. “And he died before I ever stood up for him.”
“Not your fault,” Aunt Callie said, shaking her head.
“I left my dad behind, knowing that the moment I did—he was dead,” Molly said, all signs of drunkenness gone. “I still left.”
“Shit, I dated a guy that betrayed the club, and when I was finally shot of him, he hired skinheads to torture and kill us,” Rose spat, looking at Mack. “And because of that, Kara almost lost her dad.”
“I made you do that,” Mack said quietly. “You didn’t have a choice.”
“I had a choice,” Rose replied guiltily.
Everything was silent as I took in the different guilty and regret-filled expressions in the room.
“Don’t look at me. I’m an angel,” Lily muttered, lightening the mood slightly. “I need a drink.” She got up and headed toward the end of the bar.
“Bottom line,” Rose said, looking at me. “All of us have been through some shit—and most of us know that we were at least partly responsible. You’re not the only one, or even the most tragic. So stop lurking around the clubhouse and hiding in your room. The only person blaming you, is you.”
“That’s not true—”
Rose lifted her hand and made a flicking motion that irritated the shit out of me. “Emotions were high,” she said in dismissal.
“Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch all the time, I wouldn’t have to hide out,” I said flatly, surprising myself. I’d been so careful with my words since we’d come to Eugene. I should’ve known I’d blow it eventually.
Aunt Callie started to laugh. “Pot,” she said to me, then swung her arm toward Rose with a flourish. “Meet Kettle.”
Almost everyone laughed at that.
“Boys are home,” Lily said from behind the bar. “I can hear them.”
“Why do you still have bionic hearing?” I asked, spinning toward her. “Your eyesight is back, your hearing should go back to normal.”
“I’m just more observant,” she shot back, wiggling her head as she took a drink of her water. “And Olive’s fine, by the way. I haven’t heard her, even after your little shouting match with Brenna. Brave of you.”
I looked over to see Brenna striding toward the front door. “It was an accident,” I admitted.
“They’re right, you know,” Lily said. “All of us have done things we weren’t proud of, or felt responsible for shit that happened. You don’t hold the record on that.”
“Fine,” I mumbled. “I get it.”
“I mean, you were still an asshole to me when we were younger. Remember when you threw that pen at my face?”
“When Leo was over?”
“Yeah,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“I got into so much shit for that,” I said. I thought back to that moment. I had been an asshole. I’d also been a stupid kid and so desperate for Lily to get better that I’d thought that if I could make her angry or startle her badly enough, her eyesight would instantly come back. She’d been so scared that she went blind, it made sense that the opposite could happen, right? My stomach burned at the memory. Explaining my motivation seemed pointless, I’d still been a jerk.
“Hey, baby,” Mark said, finding me as the men funneled into the room. “Why are you still awake?”
“It’s loud as hell here,” I said, leaning into him as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“You ready for bed now?” he asked.
“Sure.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Lily said, shooing me. “I’m going to get a couple hours of sleep before I head back to the hospital, but I’ll see you at some point.”
“He’s really okay?” I asked, almost embarrassed to ask.
“He’s going to be okay,” she said, smiling softly as she reached out to squeeze my hand. “Just a few more scars to add to his collection.”
I knew it was a massive understatement, but I was thankful for her reassurance anyway. I’d never wanted anything bad to happen to Leo, but it would’ve been so much worse now, when he held my baby sister’s happiness in his hands. I smiled before turning to kiss Mark hello.
“How’d it go?” I asked as he towed us toward our room.
“Woulda felt better if the rest of the team was there to get a look at things,” he said. “But it went fine.”
“How long is Eli staying?” The rest of his team had headed out that morning to take care of things in San Diego, and I knew Eli was anxious to do the same. I was finding that Mark’s friends weren’t the most patient people when they had a plan in motion.
“He’s leavin’ tomorrow,” he said with a sigh, stripping as we reached the doorway. He was down to nothing but his jeans in less than a minute. I checked on Olive, who was still completely passed out, before watching him slide the denim down his hips.
“When are you going to go?” I asked tentatively. I wasn’t looking forward to being apart, even for as long as it took him to pack his things and put his house up for sale. There wasn’t any question that Olive and I would stay in Eugene, though. I’d dragged her on enough road trips for a while, and we’d already agreed that Mark would go alone.
“Don’t wanna think about that tonight,” he said softly, reaching out to help me pull my shirt off. “Alright?”
“Fine with me,” I said, raising my arms.
“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed. “Fuck, sorry my hands are so cold.”
“Fine with me,” I said again, smiling.
Mark laughed quietly. “Thought about you all day,” he said as he finished pulling off my clothes. He knelt at my feet to take off my socks and help me step out of my pants and underwear. “Just like this.”
“You thought about me naked?” I asked dubiously.
/> “I always think about you naked,” he replied, running his hands up the backs of my thighs. “Its my favorite way to think about you.”
“What was I doing while I was naked?” I asked teasingly.
“This,” he said seriously. “Just this.” He sighed and laid his forehead against the small pooch beneath my belly button that had refused to disappear, even though I’d lost all the baby weight. My body was never going to be the same, but I found that it didn’t bother me that much.
“Well, that’s not very imaginative,” I said, running my hand through his hair.
“Doesn’t need to be,” he replied. “This is my happy place. Right here.”
“I could probably make you happier,” I mused, giggling as he tipped his head back and looked at me.
“Still too soon,” he said. “I looked online.”
I huffed out a laugh. “I don’t know,” I said, kneeling down with him, grateful for the quilt we’d left on the floor for Olive to lay on. “I’m feeling pretty good.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I leaned up and kissed the center of his throat. “Do you have any condoms?”
“Yep,” he said instantly. “I got lube, too.”
“Lube?” I sputtered, my eyes widening. “I wasn’t offering you back door action.”
Mark started laughing. It was the kind of laughter that was so hard and fast that it didn’t even make any noise. His body shook with it.
“What?” I asked in confusion, laughing a little, too.
“I didn’t get it for that,” he wheezed. “I read that it might help, you know, when you get back in the saddle.”
“What?” I asked, still staring at him.
“Breastfeeding,” he said breathlessly. “And you know, the hormone shit.”
“The hormone shit?” At this point, I knew what he was trying to say, but I got a small sliver of satisfaction watching him try to explain.
“You might be dryer than normal,” he finally said in exasperation, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “And things might still be, you know, tender. So, lube. It’s supposed to help.”
My lips twitched.
“You knew that,” he said flatly.
“It is seriously sweet that you actually searched the internet to see how to have sex with me,” I said, fighting a smile. “Who said chivalry is dead?”
“You’re an asshole,” he said, grinning. “You know that?”
“I’ve heard that, yeah,” I said.
Mark shook his head, his hands sliding up my back until they reached my head. Leaning forward, he kissed me, his lips pulling at mine. Knowing that we were actually going to have sex, well thought out and carefully planned by him, sex, made my hands shake. It had been so long.
“Hold that thought,” he said, twisting to reach for his bag. A second later, he pulled out a small, wrinkled paper bag. “Condoms,” he said, pulling out a box and handing it to me. “I’ll get the lube ready.”
I nodded and started tearing at the cardboard. I was nervous, and the situation wasn’t helping. I shivered. Without his hands on me, I was acutely aware of the cool air around us and my lack of clothing.
“Hey,” he said, gently pulling the box from my fingers. “Hey, no rush.”
“I just thought—”
“When have I ever fucked you without playin’ first?” he asked, raising one eyebrow. “Come here.”
My nerves vanished as he pulled me against his chest, his hands sliding down my back until they gripped my ass. Lifting me a little, he tipped his head down to mine and kissed me slow and deep. It was languid and a little bit filthy, and I whimpered as he bit my bottom lip just hard enough to sting.
“Lay down,” he said, his voice low.
I wasn’t sure how long he explored my body, running his lips over my shoulders and down my arms, sliding his hands from the tips of my toes to the juncture of my thighs. I lost count of the number of love bites he left on my ribs and the bottom of my breasts and the insides of my legs. But, when he finally slid his long body up and my knees fell open to welcome him, I’d lost any reservation whatsoever.
I sucked in a quick breath as the cool lubricant landed on my skin, the sensation seriously erotic as he used his fingers to warm it, sliding it over my skin and finally pressing one, and then two fingers inside of me.
“Okay?” he asked, his nose touching mine.
“Yeah.” Closing my eyes, I tipped my head back and relished the feeling. It had been years since anyone had been inside me, and nothing had even come close to the way Mark’s hands felt on my body. He’d been the ruler against which everyone else had measured and come up short.
“I’ll go slow,” he said as he positioned his cock at my entrance. “Tell me if it hurts.”
I nodded, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
Sex had never been emotional for me, not even when Mark and I had been together before. It had been at times fun and passionate and angry, but I’d never had the urge to cry at the beauty of it. That changed as he slowly rocked, pressing a little further with each stroke, until he was fully seated inside me.
“Jesus,” he said, pausing and dropping his head to my shoulder. “You okay?”
“I’m okay,” I replied, ignoring the slight twinge inside as my body adjusted.
“I love you,” he said as he began to move again in slow, steady strokes.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and smoothed my hands over his hot skin, memorizing every ripple of muscle and bone. He didn’t speed up or slow down, keeping that steady, even pace until he’d come.
It was exactly what I’d needed.
Quicker than I would’ve liked, he reached down to secure the condom and pulled out so gently that I sighed.
“You didn’t come,” he said, dropping the condom before leaning down on his elbow, the other hand reaching down between my legs. “Let’s fix that.”
It didn’t take long before I was seeing stars.
* * *
“Come on,” my mom said, waving her hand in a circular motion. “Let’s go, let’s go.”
“I am,” I griped, making sure my breast pads were in place. “My boobs are leaking.”
“You’re stalling,” she argued.
“No, I’m not,” I replied, stomping toward her. “I don’t want the front of my shirt all sticky with breast milk.”
I glared at a man staring at me. “Breast milk,” I said succinctly as we passed.
“Stop terrorizing people,” Mark said as he hefted Olive’s car seat a little higher.
“He was staring.”
“Who cares?” my mom replied, leading me down a long hallway.
I was honest enough with myself to admit that I wasn’t exactly in the best mood. After spending the last half of the night wrapped up in Mark’s arms, having more orgasms than I could count, my mom had woken all of us—including Olive—by pounding on the bedroom door. I wasn’t sure why I’d agreed to go with her to the hospital, but I was seriously regretting the decision as we stopped outside a halfway open door.
“I’ll keep Olive out here,” my mom said, taking the car seat from Mark. “They’re worried about infection in there, so no kids under fourteen.”
“What kind of infection could a newborn spread?” I asked dubiously.
“Who knows?” she said with a shrug. “It’s not my rule.”
“Come on,” Mark said, laying his hand on my lower back to lead me inside the room. “Knock, knock,” he called. There was a curtain closed around the bed so we couldn’t really see anything, but I could hear the TV playing low.
“Come on in,” my sister’s voice answered.
I braced myself as I pulled the curtain back, but what I saw wasn’t as bad as I’d been envisioning. Lily sat next to Leo on the bed, not touching beyond their entwined fingers.
“Hey,” Leo said gruffly, turning his head toward us.
He looked like a mummy. That was my first thought. His entire body not covered by the sheet
was wrapped in white gauze. The only patches of skin visible were his throat, face, and the arm closest to Lily. I couldn’t stop myself from looking down at the hand I knew was mangled, but it was wrapped in so much bandaging that it looked like a little club of fabric.
“How you feelin’?” Mark asked as we moved further into the room.
“High as a kite,” Leo said with a small smile. “Ready to go home.”
“You’re not ready to go home,” Lily countered.
“I’m ready,” he said again.
They bickered like an old married couple. The sight soothed me somehow.
“Hospitals aren’t my favorite place to be, either,” Mark said in commiseration. “I like to hold my own dick when I piss.”
“Amen,” Leo said with a laugh. “They’re at least letting me do that now.” He looked at me. “How you doin’?”
“Me?” I asked in confusion. “I’m fine.”
“Heard you were shot,” Leo said, watching me. I looked at Lily. “She wasn’t the one who told me,” Leo said in amusement.
“I’m fine,” I said again. “I was wearing a vest.”
“She’s still black and blue,” Mark said, countering my words.
“It’s a bruise,” I muttered. “A freaking bruise.”
Leo laughed. “Still can’t handle people worryin’ about you, huh?”
“There’s nothing to worry about,” I replied. “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
“I’m glad,” he said.
“Me, too.”
“I won’t thank you for what you did,” he said, his tone practically daring me to interrupt. “And I won’t tell you that I remember when I felt you lay on top of me and cover my head with your arms.”
I stopped breathing.
“I won’t tell you that I was so out of it that, at first, I didn’t realize what was happening, but I was scared as fuck once I figured it out, and the only thing that gave me any comfort was knowin’ you were right there with me.”
My nose stung.
“I also won’t tell you that you didn’t have to do that. That I would’ve gladly taken a bullet if it meant you got to go home to that sweet baby of yours.”
I refused to blink as my eyes filled with tears.
“I won’t tell you any of that because I know that you’ll find some way to dismiss it, and I’m not in the mood,” he said. He cleared his throat. “I will say that I’m glad your sister’s got you back now and I hope you guys are stayin’ local so I don’t have to pay for tickets to San Diego every coupla months.”
Craving Cecilia Page 34