Hidden

by Derick Parsons

  In spite of deregulation -and the constant complaints from the drivers ever since- taxis in Dublin were still scarce, but Kate eventually managed to flag down a filthy, decrepit old wreck that would convey her into the city for the bargain price of only twelve euros per mile. Although reluctant to sit on the stained seats at all she resolutely put thoughts of possible infection out of her mind and settled back for the journey into the city centre. Really she should go straight to Trinity to prepare for her afternoon lecture but she had no intention of doing so. It was not yet twelve, giving her just enough time to see Grainne and still make it back for her lecture. And by now Grainne was a far greater priority to her than the college. A great deal of her fascination with the girl was simple curiosity, and not just of the normal kind. Generally when Kate began treating a new patient the mystery revolved around what the problem could be, and what had caused it. With Grainne her curiosity had another dimension to it as well, a sort of what will I discover today? Psychotherapy is a slow, painstaking and often frustrating affair, and Grainne Riordan was the first patient Kate had ever met who was so close to being cured whilst at the same time remaining a total mystery. For once someone else had done all the hard preliminary work and Kate had only entered the scene when it was all starting to bear fruit. In a way it was like treating a patient in fast motion, skipping through the early slog to when the breakthroughs started to occur. And while there was less personal satisfaction in coming in at the end like that there was no doubt that it was thrilling to observe.

  The taxi finally deposited her beside her car and Kate paid the exorbitant amount the driver was unblushingly demanding, wondering to herself if it was a sign of approaching middle-age to be constantly outraged by how much everything cost. Ireland had certainly changed while she was away, and not for the better.

  Mindful of Garda Moore’s warning about the possibility of someone watching her car she cautiously looked around before getting in. But it was impossible to tell if anyone was watching her or not, killer or cop. As ever in the city centre the pavement was thronged with pedestrians, and any one of them could have been Sean’s attacker. She put it out of her mind and drove quickly out to Deacon House, one anxious eye on her watch. If she dallied too long with Grainne she would hardly make it back in time for her class, much less have the extra hour she needed to prepare the day’s lecture. On the other hand she still had her own university notes in a drawer in her office, and if push came to shove she could simply read the lecture verbatim from them. The treatment of mental illness had not, alas, progressed much in the intervening years.

  When she arrived at Deacon House Kate used her new swipe card to get through the gates before parking her car as close to the front entrance as she could. She walked briskly up the stone steps into the foyer, offering Cathy a brief smile and asking, ‘Is Trevor free? I’m in a fearful rush but I’d better have a quick word with him, to reassure him that I’m okay.’

  Cathy raised her eyebrows, ‘Are you kidding? He was frantically trying to reach you all day yesterday. He even called out to your place but the police wouldn’t let him near the front door. Are you alright?’

  ‘I’m absolutely fine,’ replied Kate, with absolutely indecent cheerfulness as far as Cathy was concerned, ‘Is he in his office?’

  Cathy nodded, ‘I imagine he’d want you to go straight in. He’ll be so relieved to hear you’re not hurt. We’ve all been worried about you.’

  Kate hated anyone fussing over her but on this occasion was rather touched by the other’s concern, and smiled as she said, ‘I wasn’t hurt at all. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time.’

  Cathy raised her eyebrows in a surprised yet slightly knowing way and Kate hurriedly passed on to Trevor’s office. There are many reasons for high spirits, but any woman can instantly see in another the happiness caused by a new man; for some insights a degree in psychology is definitely not necessary.

  She tapped on Trevor’s door and went straight in. Then, to forestall the question she knew was coming, she said, ‘Before you ask, I’m absolutely fine. I wasn’t hurt at all.’

  Trevor was seated at his desk, and looked up at her in surprise, ‘Actually, I wasn’t going to ask. Peter rang me on his mobile an hour ago to tell me you were okay.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Kate, slightly put out. Such consideration was just like Peter, and to be fair was usually her style too, but right now her life was far from normal. Having Peter back in her life, even if only temporarily, felt strange and as she sat down she asked, a touch nervously, ‘What else did he tell you?’

  Trevor smiled, a teasing gleam in his eyes, ‘Nothing, but I have to say he seemed pretty pleased with himself. As, I might add, do you. In fact, you’re glowing. Cats and cream spring to mind. So, you been getting some?’

  Kate gave him a revolted look, ‘For a supposedly educated man your manners and expressions leave a lot to be desired. Besides, it’s none of your business.’

  Trevor looked at her in wide-eyed innocence, ‘Cream, I meant. Very good for the complexion, apparently.’

  Kate rolled her eyes but wouldn’t rise to the bait. ‘I want to see Grainne, okay?’

  Trevor shrugged, ‘Of course. You know you don’t need my permission.’

  ‘No, but there was something else I wanted to discuss before I go up.’

  ‘Oh, yes?’

  Kate hesitated, ‘Like, why did Sarah McGrath leave again?’

  He lay back in his chair, apparently totally at ease, but his eyes were hard and fixed on hers as he said lightly, ‘Why do you ask? Has someone been telling tales out of school?’

  ‘She came to see me in Trinity. She told me that she hadn’t left to go to America, that you had sacked her. Because she was making good progress and you didn’t want Grainne to ever get well again. Because that would mean her leaving this place, and therefore leaving you.’

  His lip curled in undisguised contempt, ‘I see. And you believe this…drivel?’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Trevor!’ exploded Kate, ‘Of course I don’t! But you did lie to me, and I want to know why. What was the real reason you got rid of her, when she was obviously good at her job? I mean, we’re seeing the benefits of that now, with Grainne’s rapid recent advances.’

  He sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. Then he sat up and, looking at her expressionlessly, said, ‘Sarah and I were having a relationship. Actually, that’s too polite a word for it. We were having an affair behind her boyfriend’s back. Not a romance; a purely sexual relationship. Apparently her boyfriend didn’t do much for her in bed and I…well, I have physical needs too, and no girlfriend, so we suited one another.’

  ‘I see,’ said the stunned Kate. She didn’t know quite what she had been expecting, but it wasn’t this.

  ‘Once Sarah got married,’ he continued evenly, ‘I thought our liaison would end. But she made it clear that she wanted us to continue as before. I refused. I told her we were finished. Call me a hypocrite, if you like, but to me there’s a difference between sleeping with a woman who has an unsatisfactory boyfriend, and one who’s married. Sarah didn’t see it that way, and after I dumped her she became extremely unpleasant.’

  He gave her a lopsided, humorless grin and continued, ‘She taught me the true meaning the old saying, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Relations between us degenerated to the point where I had to ask her to leave. Had to insist that she left, because the daily work of this clinic was being adversely affected.’

  ‘I see,’ repeated Kate, thinking; So I’m not the only one around with a complicated personal life. ‘But why did you tell me that she’d gone to America?’

  He shrugged, ‘Well, I wasn’t very proud of what had happened, and I’d already had to confess to my unprofessional feelings towards Grainne, so it was the least embarrassing way of explaining why she was leaving just when she was making progress.’ He shrugged again, ‘To be honest I thought –hoped- that Sarah was out of my life forever but the other night s
he rang and said she wanted to bury the hatchet. She said she had cooled off and wanted us to be friends. She invited me round for a drink and like a fool I went. She lives near you, as it happens, in Monkstown. Anyway, her husband was away and it soon became clear that she wanted us to resume our affair. Seems she’s bored with hubby already. Anyway, I said that my answer was still no, there was another scene, and I ended up walking out.’

  Kate nodded, ‘And for revenge she came running to me, to try and poison me against you.’ She heaved a sigh of relief, glad to have that cleared up. Not that she had suspected Trevor of anything, anyway, except of being a bit of a fool where women were concerned. But that was nothing new, and she was in no position to throw stones on that account. She got to her feet, ‘I’m glad we had this talk but I’ve really got to motor. And now I can concentrate fully on treating Grainne without worrying what you’re up to. But for God’s sake tell me the truth in future.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ he said dryly, ‘but I’m not promising anything.’

  Kate practically skipped out of the office, and as she closed the door behind her she thought she heard Trevor mutter, ‘Lucky old Peter.’ But she decided to let it go; it might have been something else, and in any case wasn’t worth pursuing.

  She walked swiftly up the stairs to Grainne’s room and stopped outside, taking several deep breaths to compose herself and put on her game face, her game persona. She tapped softly on the door and was surprised by the sharp voice that answered, almost snapped, ‘Yes?’

  She opened the door and looked inside, ‘Hello, Grainne, may I come in?’

  Grainne was pacing rapidly back and forth in front of the window, puffing on a cigarette and trailing ragged clouds of blue smoke behind her, her long blonde hair tossing as she moved her head from side to side in sharp, jerky motions. She darted a glance at Kate without breaking stride and shook her head carelessly, indicating indifference rather than refusal.

  Kate moved into the room and closed the door, staring in fascination at her patient; she had never seen her in this mood before and wasn’t sure how to handle her. She gestured towards a chair, ‘Do you mind if I sit down?’

  Again an impatient shake was her only answer and Kate sat by the door, unable to repress a sudden, weird twinge of jealousy. She was immaculately, if sternly, dressed in a very expensive charcoal-gray suit from Brown Thomas, and for once she was wearing make-up. Grainne, on the other hand, was wearing pyjamas and clearly wasn’t wearing as much as a trace of lipstick. And yet she still made Kate feel like a raggedy old sock.

  She cleared such trivialities from her mind with an angry shake of the head and focussed on the task at hand, studying the girl carefully. Grainne seemed to be a bundle of nerves, drawing constantly on her cigarette, her mouth working and her eyes darting from side to side as if in search of something. Everything about her suggested furious energy, causing Kate to briefly wonder if Trevor really had upped her dosage of sedatives, or if he had lied about that too.

  ‘Do you know who I am?’

  Grainne stubbed out her cigarette in an ashtray with savage force and immediately lit another, resuming her endless walk without even glancing in Kate’s direction, ‘Of course I know who you are! Another fucking shrink. Another nosy, prying bitch with nothing better to do than pry into my life!’

  ‘Do you know my name?’

  Grainne waved her hand dismissively, ‘Who cares? Your name isn’t important. You’re one of his lackeys!’

  ‘Whose lackeys?’

  Grainne snorted, ‘My father’s, of course! You don’t fool me! He wants to kill me and you’re one of his stooges!’

  ‘I see.’ Kate leaned forward, her eyes intent, ‘Tell me, why would your father want to kill you?’

  Grainne’s eyes filled with tears, which she rapidly blinked away, ‘Because he hates me! He’s always hated me. I’ve never been anything but an embarrassment to him.’

  ‘He doesn’t hate you,’ said Kate gently, ‘He loves you. Very much.’

  Grainne’s face fixed in a sullen expression, ‘Maybe he used to but not anymore. Not since I grew up. He hates me now because I killed my mother.’

  Kate’s heart was hammering with such excitement she could hardly restrain herself but she managed to keep her voice low as she asked, ‘Did you kill your mother?’

  Grainne slowly nodded, huge tears pouring down her face.

  ‘How?’

  Grainne shrugged, ‘I don’t remember. My mind’s all confused. But I know it was my fault.’ She gave a bitter laugh, ‘I remember that!’

  Kate bit her lip; intense but unspecified guilt was a common symptom of schizophrenia, but she was pretty sure there more to it in this particular case. Nor did she think Grainne a schizophreniac. So she had no fear of lending harmful credence to a fantasy as she asked carefully, ‘Did someone tell you that you killed your mother?’

  Grainne shook her head dully.

  ‘Then how do you know you did?’

  The girl shrugged hopelessly, ‘I can’t remember. I just know.’

  ‘There was a fire, wasn’t there?’ said Kate gently, her heart in her mouth at the thought of the damage this line of questioning could cause but unable to pass up this opportunity while Grainne, the real Grainne, was truly communicating with her. ‘Do you remember the fire?’

  Grainne stopped her pacing and shook her head, but there was a cloudy, fearful expression in her eyes that said she did remember it, but didn’t want to talk about it.

  Kate hesitated, unsure how to proceed. The girl was a veritable minefield, and now it seemed paranoia had to be added to her manic depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and would-be multiple personality disorder. Quite a list, even without her fugue amnesia and occasional retreats into her own childhood. Kate felt a momentary touch of panic; this is too much for me! One false move and this girl’s mind could be gone forever! She took several deep, calming breaths and took a mental step backwards before saying gently, ‘My name is Kate. You might not remember but we have met several times before, and each time I told you I wanted to help you. Do you remember that?’

  Grainne shrugged, seeming unconvinced, and turned to stare out of the window, her foot tapping on the carpet.

  ‘I want you to remember me,’ said Kate quietly, ‘I want you to know that I am your friend. That I am trying to help you. Do you believe me?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because you work for my father.’

  ‘No, I don’t. I work for this clinic and was appointed independently of your father. And in any case,’ continued Kate softly, ‘I don’t think you really hate your father. I think the real problem lies elsewhere.’

  The girl whirled and met Kate’s gaze for the first time with an icy green stare, ‘Are you fucking him? You sound like you are! Most women want to fuck him, and I doubt he refuses many of them! Not from what Mom said!’

  Kate recoiled from the scorn in the girl’s voice but maintained her composure, trying to think, ‘Wasn’t your father faithful to your mother?’

  Grainne whirled to face her and laughed scornfully, ‘Of course he was! Sometimes for as much as a week at a time, I should imagine!’

  Kate wasn’t sure she should pursue this, wasn’t sure that this was real and not another of the girl’s fantasies. Hell, she wasn’t even sure this was the real Grainne she was talking to. But she couldn’t help herself and at last said, ‘With whom did he cheat?’

  Grainne shrugged disinterestedly and turned away again, ‘I don’t know. Like most men he’d sleep with anyone who’d let him. He didn’t bring them home, you know. But Mom knew. I heard them rowing.’

  ‘Did they fight often?’

  She shrugged, ‘Not really. But Mom knew he was up to something.’

  ‘Tell me about your mother. Generally, I mean.’

  ‘Mind your own fucking business!’

  ‘Grainne, I want to be your friend. I want to help you. But I can’t unless you let me. Unless
you help me. To help I need to understand you, and to understand I need to know you.’

  Grainne sighed and with watery, absent eyes said tiredly, almost gently, ‘Fuck off.’

  ‘No,’ said Kate simply, ‘I won’t be going anywhere for a very long time. It might take months, it might take years, but I’m staying. Until you realise that I’m your friend. Until you realise that I’m on your side no matter what you’ve done. Until you know that I’m trying to help you, and you let me.’

  Grainne lowered her head and Kate guessed she was crying again, though there were no traces of it in her voice as she replied, ‘You’re not my friend; you hate me. Same as all the others here.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ said Kate firmly, ‘Everyone here likes you, everyone wants to help you. If you let them.’

  ‘Including Dr. Jordan?’

  Kate smiled and replied, with a trace of irony, ‘Especially Dr. Jordan.’

  Grainne turned and sneered coldly at her, suddenly dry-eyed and remote again, ‘Wants to help me into bed, you mean. Wants to fuck me, same as all the others.’

  ‘You’re a very beautiful girl,’ said Kate calmly, cursing herself internally; had the girl picked up on her tone? Was she less self-absorbed than she appeared? ‘Most of the men you meet will want to take you to bed. That’s just a fact of life. Most women wouldn’t consider it a bad thing, but I’m sure it’s trying to be viewed as just a body, as just an object for the gratification of others rather than as an actual person.’

  With sudden, startling force Grainne raised her clenched fists and started punching herself in the face as hard as she could, her features contorted with self-loathing. Kate shot across the room, grabbing her hands as Grainne started clawing at her cheeks with her stubby, deeply bitten nails. Grainne was slight but very strong and Kate could not prevent her from drawing blood, and tearing great clumps of her fine blonde hair out by the roots. But just as Kate was starting to panic all the strength suddenly left Grainne’s body and she sagged lifelessly into the older woman’s arms.