by Bruce, Lexi;
My voice is shaking,
and I wish I could stop that,
but I keep speaking anyway.
You think it doesn’t hurt
me when you guys try
to use me against
each other?
Honestly, we’d all
be happier if you two
split up.
I storm past them
and into the woods,
before either of them
can say anything.
145
TEARS
When I stop
running, I’m halfway
to the public beach.
I sit down on a large rock
by the edge of the lake.
Staring into the water,
I finally let my tears
fal .
The tears I refused to shed
all those nights before,
and at the dance,
and in the car.
146
And I let myself feel
my anger and sadness
instead of focusing
on my parents,
and pretending
my feelings
aren’t important.
I realize then that I’ve let fear
overrule every other emotion
for a long time.
I’ve let it ruin happiness.
I’ve let it silence me
when I should’ve spoken up.
147
WHAT’S WRONG?
The tears are still drying
on my cheeks when I hear
footsteps splashing
through the water.
I look up and see that Pat
is walking toward me.
I thought that was you
I saw across the water,
he says as he approaches.
I try to smile
at him, but fail
as the tears start fal ing
again.
148
Oh, hey, what’s wrong?
he asks. He comes closer
to hug me, even though we
just met.
It’s nothing,
I say.
He steps back and I can see
he doesn’t believe me.
I know you
don’t really know
me,
he says.
But I can see
how upset you are.
It’s your parents, isn’t it?
149
SPLIT
How did you know?
I ask,
wiping the tears from my eyes.
He pauses for a moment,
thinking careful y
about what to say.
Me and Shaye, our parents split
up a couple years ago,
he says.
I know what it’s like to have
friends over when you’re
afraid of what your parents
will say or do to each other.
150
Really?
I
ask.
Really, Anna,
he says.
I get it.
Then I let him
put an arm around me
and I don’t feel so alone.
151
TRUST
We sit there, arms wrapped
around each other for a while.
Me and this stranger.
When we pull apart I can see
he has tears in his eyes, too.
Before, I’d only met the happy,
goofbal version of Pat.
I’m surprised by this serious,
sincere attitude.
Can I tell you something?
Pat asks.
Of course,
I say, sniffling a bit.
152
He speaks very
slowly,
choosing
his words.
I know this
sounds awful,
but things got
a lot better after
Mom and Dad split.
Yeah, they still make
rude comments
about each other.
But I haven’t
heard either of them
yell like they used to
in almost a year.
I think to myself
about how I couldn’t
bring myself to
talk to my closest
friend about this.
153
And I think
about how
hard it must be
for him to tell a
girl he’s just met.
I nod
and look him
in the eye.
I told them
to break up today,
I say,
feeling guilty.
It will be OK, alright?
he says.
It won’t be
easy, always.
But it will be OK.
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We lock eyes.
And we’re so close.
And I trust him
right now
more than I’ve
trusted anyone
in a long time.
And then his lips are on mine,
and it’s my first kiss.
155
FOR A MOMENT
I forget to worry
about everything
wrong in my life.
156
MOVING FORWARD
The car is gone when I go back
to the cabin to face my parents.
I go inside
and see that Mom
is lying facedown
on her bed. She’s sobbing,
clutching her pil ow.
Mom? I’m sorry
if what I said hurt you,
I say as I kneel
beside her bed.
She turns her head
to look at me.
Her face is red and puffy.
157
It’s OK, honey, she says.
Maybe it needed to be said.
She sits up on her bed.
Your father and I,
we’ve been holding onto
the marriage. Trying to deny
how bad it’s gotten.
She hugs me, for the
first time in a long time.
Seems to be
happening a lot
today.
After we get home
from vacation,
158
your father and I
will talk more
about what
we’re going to do.
I feel a little better,
knowing that this is out
in the open.
That they’re handling it.
That I don’t have to.
Um, where is Dad?
I ask.
He went
to book a flight
back home for tomorrow
morning.
159
Mom’s quiet
for a moment.
Honey, I know
this is gonna be
hard. But maybe you’re
right—maybe it’s the right thing.
160
FREE
Mom fal s asleep,
and I slip into
my bathing suit
and head down
to the little beach
near our cabin.
I swim a lap across to
the other beach
and back.
I feel good.
I feel free.
I swim back
across.
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Shaye and Pat
and the others are back at
the beach.
I get out of the water.
Pat gives me
a hug, and
asks me how
>
I’m feeling.
This is the first
time in my life
that I am sure a boy likes me
as much as I like him.
And I realize now
that maybe back home,
Dave wasn’t just being nice.
162
Maybe he really liked me, too.
And I realize how poorly I treated him.
I know that after vacation,
Pat and I won’t be a couple,
although I hope we stay in touch.
But I think that when I get home,
I’ll have to give Dave a real chance.
And an apology.
And maybe it’ll be worth it.
To let someone in.
To let him know me
in my best moments
and in my messiest ones.
163
GOODBYE
Now that Pat knows my
worst secret, it’s easy
to feel like myself around him.
It’s so good to be around
new friends who know.
I’ve almost forgotten
that in another four days,
I’ll be going back home.
As it turns out,
they’re leaving tomorrow.
Pat looks sad when he tel s me.
But he gives me
his phone number.
He tel s me to text him.
164
Especially when things get difficult
between my parents.
Whatever happens when
you get home, remember
you’ve got a friend out there.
The five of us spend the rest
of the day like we spent
that first day.
We play Frisbee, swim,
and hang out on the beach.
That night I go to their
campfire and we al
tell ghost stories
and eat too many
marshmal ows.
165
They all hug me,
and promise
to stay in touch.
166
DAD’S STORY
When I get back to the cabin,
Dad’s back
and still awake.
He’s sitting at our firepit,
staring into the flames.
Dad? Are you OK?
I ask.
I’ve had better days,
he says.
I sit down next to him
on the bench, and put my
arm around his shoulder.
167
I’m sorry
for what I said,
I tell him.
Anna, I think I’m the one
who should say sorry to you.
I keep my eyes
on the fire.
If I look at him I think I might
cry again.
I’m sorry for ignoring you,
he says.
I’m sorry
for being self-centered.
And I’m sorry
that I didn’t notice
how all the yelling
was hurting you.
168
I guess. .
I’m sorry I didn’t listen.
I nod, and accept his apology.
I know it’s not fair,
but I blame Mom more.
I blame her for her drinking.
For letting her drinking
get so out of hand
that she lost her job.
And I blame her for
being so bitter about
losing her job
that she resented Dad’s success.
But Dad could be cruel, too.
And it takes two sides to start a war.
169
IT WILL BE OK
I wake up early
the next morning
to say goodbye to Dad
before he leaves.
I’m so sorry, honey.
I love you,
he says
again and again.
I think he might cry.
It’s OK, Dad.
It’s going to be OK,
I say, echoing Pat’s words
until I almost believe them.
It feels weird to me
to be saying these words
170
to someone who’s said them to me
so many times
over skinned-knee-
fal s off my bicycle.
I wave from the campsite
as Mom drives Dad
off to the airport.
She’ll be back in a few hours.
For now I have the cabin,
the woods, and the lake
to myself.
171
ALONE
While Mom’s gone
I sit by the lakeside
and think about
the past few months.
And about what Pat said.
I wonder if it all would’ve
been easier
if I’d had a brother or sister
to talk to.
I think about all the time
I spent alone,
trying not to cry,
and whether it would’ve been
different to have someone
else around.
172
I’m not sure.
For all I know,
my imaginary sibling
would’ve gotten into
as much trouble
as me. Or gotten me
into worse trouble.
I guess Jess is the closest
thing I have to a sister.
She would’ve been the one
trying to hitchhike
when she was 12.
And I probably would’ve
fol owed her.
We would have told
each other everything,
173
and I wouldn’t have
had to hide my problems.
And then I realize
I never had to hide
a thing from her.
She gave me every opportunity
to open up
and to tell her what was going on.
And I didn’t.
I just pushed her away.
I just pushed everyone away.
174
MOM’S STORY
When Mom gets back,
she wants to talk.
We stuff a backpack
with snacks and water
and go on a hike.
She listens to me
when I tell her about how
hard it’s been hearing
the fights and hiding them
from my friends.
She seems like she didn’t
realize before how hard it
was on me.
175
Which maybe makes it worse.
But at least she knows now.
She tel s me how sorry she is.
And then she tel s me
her side.
She tel s me about how Dad’s
long hours at work chipped away
at their relationship.
How often she ended up
drinking alone
after I’d gone to bed.
And how she always wanted
to feel like a real family
who spends time together.
I think back to before Dad worked
al the time.
176
Before Mom was always drunk.
A camping trip
when I was maybe 10.
So many of the details
are the same as this trip—
the campfires, the marshmal ows,
the lake, and the outdoors.
And I wonder if Mom was trying
to recapture that vacation
and that feeling.
She was trying
to go back in time.
I’m happy
to listen to her.
177
But I also know that Dad isn’t all to blame.
And I kind of feel like
she’s not actually apologizing.
Like she’s just making excuses.
Because she’s still mad,
and she blames him
for everything.
And maybe that’s what she needs
to feel right now.
But at some point she has to
realize that she screwed up, too.
178
DON’T OVERTHINK
The next few days
fly by. Mom and I
spend our days swimming
and hiking and doing
everything we can
to not think too much.
I’m almost
happy
to go home
when we start
packing the car
up.
179
HONESTY
We leave the campsite
early in the morning.
I stare out the car window,
thinking about what a week
it’s been.
I never expected
to find new friends,
have my first kiss,
or be so honest
with my parents.
I never expected
that I’d be brave enough
to tell my parents
the truth.
180
Now I have to
learn to be
honest with
the other people
in my life.
We stop at the first
coffee shop we see.
A little hole-in-the-wal place
with a colorful mural
on the back wal .
While we wait for our orders,
I take out my phone.
I have service for the first
time in a week.
181
Now it’s time for me to make sure
I keep in touch
with new friends.
And it’s also time for me to fix
mistakes I’ve made
with old friends.
I text Pat:
Hey,
it’s Anna,
how are things
in Ohio?
Next I text Dave:
Hey, I’m sorry
for ghosting you.
Can we get coffee when
I’m back in town?
182
Final y,
I text Jess:
You were right, I wasn’t OK.
We should hang out soon.
I love you <3
183
COFFEE, AGAIN
Dave and I make plans
to hang out
a few days after I get home.
I’m sitting,
drinking my mocha,
when he walks into
the coffee shop.
My heart skips a beat
when I see him.
I think to myself
that this might be
more than a crush.
I’ve never al owed myself
to think that before.
184