“Fascinating,” I managed, mesmerized by the concept. There was nothing modern about the secret passageway. The stone stairs were littered with concrete dust, and cobwebs matted the corners of the stairwell. “Do you use it?”
“Once. Never again. The stairs don’t feel secure, and I’d hate to find myself falling through them to the basement.”
“There’s a basement, too?”
She stepped back, edging me out of the way and quickly closing the door. The wainscoting blended so well, you’d never know it’d ever been disturbed.
“Just a crawlspace. Come along now. I must prepare lunch.”
I nodded, following her down the stairs.
SEVEN
Jake was already inside when we reached the kitchen. Virginia began preparing lunch right away, and I moved into the parlor with Jake
“We need a tow. I think it’s the fuel pump. Any reception?” he asked.
I pulled my phone from my pocket, sighing. “No. And I’m feeling pretty desperate. How do you feel about a hike?”
“It depends on what she’s got to offer us. The windchill is dangerous right now.” He gestured outside. “I heard on the radio that it’s negative 9, but negative 36-degree windchill. That’ll cause frostbite to exposed areas in under ten minutes.”
“Jesus.” I moved into his arms, and he chafed his hands over my shoulders, trying to warm his skin. “Good thing you’re a boy scout and a cowboy.”
“Good thing,” he agreed half-heartedly. I knew he was getting frustrated too.
“And Cal and Lana went out exploring in this?”
“Well they’re idiots,” he reminded me, and I chuckled.
“Right.” I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tighter, and he returned my squeeze.
“What’s wrong?”
“Virginia,” I whispered. “She’s kind of messed up, I think. Like, really messed up. I’m getting a little freaked out.”
As though on cue, Everly Brother’s “Dream” began from the kitchen.
Another of my mother’s favorites.
He lowered his voice to a whisper near my ear. “I get it. Me too.”
“None of us have reception? Both our vehicles stop working and she has no vehicle, no landline? Closest house is six miles away? I’ve seen too many horror movies to think this is all a coincidence.”
He exhaled a little laugh. “Well, she’s just one woman. Older, and alone. I think we could take her.”
“It’s not that,” I said, shrugging. “I don’t feel... afraid. Just... I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”
“I get it. Cut off from the world. Me too.”
“What happened with her daughter really destroyed her.”
“I imagine it would. It’d destroy any mother.”
“Holy fucking fuck it’s cold out there!” Cal said, tumbling in the front door with Lana. He stomped his boots on the entryway carpet, and she followed suit. “I can’t feel my hands.”
“Good gracious! You were out too long in this weather!” Virginia exclaimed, peeking around the corner from the kitchen. “I’ve made soup and sandwiches. Let’s get some hot liquid into those bodies. Wouldn’t want to lose any important parts.”
I exchanged a look with Jake. See? I communicated silently.
“Soup sounds good,” Lana replied, her teeth chattering.
I imagined pummeling Lana’s head with a hammer, watching her teeth fly right out of her head and land in bloody heaps of dentin and root on the carpet.
The thought was so unexpected, I nearly gasped.
What is wrong with me?
Virginia’s anger had resonated with me so deeply that I felt the old stirring of hatred for Lana that I’d long since worked through and gotten over.
“Knock knock,” a man’s voice sounded from the front door. We all turned to see a man- a police officer- pushing his way into the snowy foyer. “Pardon me for coming right in. I rang the bell, but I don’t think you folks heard me. Is Mrs. Townsend here?”
“Officer Roy?” Virginia called, pushing through us. “Well, this is an unexpected visit. What’s wrong?”
Her tone had gone from chipper to flat to apprehensive in three seconds. The myriad of emotions this woman possessed made me wonder if she was possessed.
“Nothing to worry about, no bad news,” Officer Roy assured her, holding both palms flat in front of his chest. “Easy.”
“It’s just... you haven’t been here since...”
“Since Molly, I remember.” The older officer tipped his hat in an old-fashioned gesture. “Sorry ‘bout that. I see you in town so often is all, I don’t mean to disturb your peace out here. We got a call, though,” he explained. “One of you Lizzie?”
“I am,” I rushed, my mind immediately going to the kids. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re lost, apparently,” Officer Roy replied, chuckling. “Your mother has called the department every hour on the hour since this morning insisting we go check on you folks. Says it’s not like you to not respond to her calls and texts.”
“We lost cell reception,” I hurried. “I’m so glad you’re here. Both our vehicles are disabled. Can you call for a tow?”
“Sure thing, glad to help,” he answered, and the quartet surrounding him sighed in unison. “Still no land line, Mrs. Townsend?”
“It’s always been one of those things on my list that never seem important with my cell,” she explained.
“With runnin’ a Bed & Breakfast, you need to get yourself situated with a land line. Especially in western Pennsylvania.”
“Yes, Officer.”
“Preach, Officer,” Jake murmured so that only I could here, and I nearly laughed. We’re saved!
“I’ll go call from my car now,” he assured us, and Virginia reached for her coat.
“I’ll come with you. I’ve had soup made and frozen for Delilah for a month now; let me grab it from the freezer in the garage.”
“Mighty nice of you,” Officer Roy replied, tipping his hat to all of us. “My wife, Delihah, raves about Miss Virginia’s cooking,” he explained. “Well, then. I got all your numbers from your mother, Lizzie. She’s mighty prepared.”
“That’s my mom,” I agreed, knowing I’d turned into the exact same helicopter mother that she was. I would never stop hovering.
“Right then. We’ll get the tow trucks on out here lickety split. Nice meetin’ you all.”
“I’ll go change and get packed,” Lana announced, already heading for the stairs. Virginia tucked her head back inside the doorway before following Officer Roy.
“Not so fast, dears. Hot soup and sandwiches on the table. Help yourselves until I get back inside!”
Cal rolled his eyes so only I could see, and Lana ignored her. Jake lifted his eyebrows.
“Well, problem solved. I’m so ready to get home.”
“Me too.” We walked into the kitchen, and I sighed at the spread before us. “We can’t just leave all this. She made it for us. She’s been so hospitable. We should at least eat a little.”
“If by hospitable you mean crazy as a fucking loon, then right, hospitable,” Cal answered, grabbing a bowl. “I’ll bring some upstairs and eat with Lana while we pack.”
I watched him loading food onto a silver serving tray. I reached for a bowl, and the backs of our hands brushed against each other.
“Sorry,” we both mumbled.
Sorry, I thought, staring at my fingernails. Sorry for accidently touching you. Sorry my knuckles touched your knuckles. Sorry that, even though you put babies inside of me, I can’t stand your touch.
I’d read once that the human body regenerated cells and replaced itself every seven to fifteen years. Some parts- some cell groups, however, were never replaced.
Like the heart.
I wanted all new cells. A new body. Right after Cal left, I cut my hair as short as I could stand it, right under my ears. I wanted it to grow in completely new strands. I wanted hair that he’d never wound
around his finger while we watched a movie. A shell that Cal had never hugged, or held, or hurt or made bleed. I wanted new fingertips that had never touched his lips when he was smiling. I wanted new skin everywhere he’d ever kissed.
I wanted a new heart most of all, but I wasn’t a candidate for the transplant list.
“Soup looks good,” Jake said, and I nodded, reaching for the ladle.
Jake fixed my heart. I hadn’t needed the transplant after all.
“Yes. Hot. Works for me,” I answered.
Cal took their food to their room, and Jake and I sat down at the table. Virginia was gone the entire time we ate, and eventually we heard the car engine start again.
Virginia was a talker. Poor Officer Roy.
“As eager as I am to get the show on the road, I’m really beat. I slept rough last night,” Jake said.
I was drowsy too, and Virginia came in then, looking flushed and red-cheeked.
“Tow will be at least two or three hours, according to the company in town. Cars off the road left and right. We only have one tow company with two wreckers. Was the soup good?”
“Delicious,” I replied, yawning. “Would it be too rude to excuse us for a little while, then? If we have to wait, I think a quick nap sounds really good.”
“Of course not, dears. Relax. I’ll knock when the tow truck arrives.”
“Thanks,” I managed, my limbs suddenly feeling heavy. Thick. Each stair step was a marshmallow, and my legs protested. I hadn’t felt this exhausted since I was pregnant, and I decided the relief of finally getting closer to getting home was more overwhelming than I’d originally imagined.
Jake and I made it to the bed. I remembered him kissing me, and that was all.
. . .
I woke up sluggishly, my brain still toying with the remnants of my dream.
I was in the ranch house, the house where Cal and I had raised the kids for so many years. I’d given the walls a fresh coat of Suburban Beige, the color of a bulk discount or a quick real estate sale. We’d tried to put the house on the market right in the middle of the market crash, a decision that summed up our marriage in one choice. Get out while you’re upside-down. Hopelessly pound that sign into the ground. You’re going to take a loss.
Cut your losses and run.
After Cal left, I couldn’t stand the house. It was a house of too many memories, some good, but mostly bad. I never wanted to live there again. The night he merrily skipped to his car and drove off to fuck Lana, I spent in our frigid attic above the garage. I stayed awake the entire weekend gathering every memory of him that I could find. Every photo of him, with or without me, with or without the kids.
Every gift he’d ever given me.
The memories I’d pasted together in the Lizzie is a Scrapbooker Era. Ticket stubs to our first movie together. Starship Troopers. 1997. I paid our admission because he didn’t have enough money. Tickets to our first Cleveland Indian’s game, where he told me I was so much more fun to be with than his first ex-wife. An empty gum wrapper from our date at the zoo. Leah’s first ultrasound picture, because he’d written Thank you for my family on the back, and I hated his handwriting now.
Every letter he’d ever written me, which I’d kept and glued painstakingly into a memory book. I love you, Infinity + 2, he’d write. Our thing. Our sign-off.
Infinity + 2 was actually a date on a calendar, as it turned out.
Lizzie, my love.
I love your hands. I love your smile. I love your wit. I love the way your written words flow on paper. I love the way I feel when I am with you, and I love the way I feel when I am thinking about you.
I, I, I, I, I.
You saved me from my loneliness and myself.
I will love you for as long as you will let me.
All of it, into the oversized Rubbermaid tote.
Some scorned wives would have burned his shit. Some would have taken the time to scratch his eyes out of every family photo he was in. Some would have hocked his tools and sold his coin collection on Craigslist.
I didn’t.
I took each item and held it in my hand. The music box he’d bought me, but broke against the wall during one of his rages. The framed photo of us at our courthouse wedding as we held baby Leah in our arms. Snapshots of him in the delivery room, holding Leah, Clay, and Lilly.
His CD collection. Ray Charles, Stevie Ray Vaughn.
Into the tote.
Books. Clive Cussler, because my dad introduced him to his adventures on one of our family vacations together. The boxed set of Band of Brothers I’d gotten for him for absolutely no occasion at all, just because he liked it.
Into the tote.
I wanted to put him in the tote. I wanted to weigh each one of his body parts in my hands. I wanted to count each finger that had wrapped around my throat. I wanted to cut out the eyes I’d gazed into for too many nights and drop them right to the bottom so they’d roll around and land in the wheel wells of the bin.
Thud thud thud. Settle.
When I opened my eyes, the windows were black.
Jake was snoring softly next to me. Shuddering, I desperately tried to shake the lethargy out of my system. I nudged him, and he made a humph sound, the kind he made when he wasn’t ready to get up but wanted me to know that I had his attention.
“Jake, it’s dark.”
He stirred then, blinking away the sleep in his eyes. After a long, cognizant moment, he sat up, looking around.
“Did the tow get here?”
“It’s after eight,” I cried, showing him my phone. “What the fuck?”
We both shot to our feet, but neither of us were steady. I gripped my head as a lightning-fast pain took over my temples.
A soft knock at the door drew our attentions. “Jake? Lizzie? Are you awake yet?”
Jake threw open the door, and Virginia backed away, her eyes wide.
“Did the tow truck come?” he demanded, a little too forcefully.
“It never showed,” she explained. “That’s what I was coming to tell you. You’ve been sleeping for hours. The tow never arrived. I did manage to get a text to go through to the woman in town who gives me a ride to the stores and bank now and again. Her name is Sarah Miller. She said she can be here in an hour.”
Cobwebs. In my brain. I couldn’t seem to follow what she was saying, though it made sense.
Tow trucks never arrived.
Too many vehicles off the road, needing service.
We weren’t in an emergency situation.
We weren’t stranded.
“Okay. Okay, so this lady is coming. That’s good,” I said, looking at Jake. I could see that he wasn’t buying a word she was saying.
“When she gets here, I’m riding into town with her for help.” He stopped there, and I knew he was carefully mulling over his next words.
“Of course, Jake. I was going to suggest either you or Cal go and get some emergency assistance. Call your insurance companies, get a tow,” she added.
“Right,” Jake added unnecessarily. He turned to me. “Are you going to come with me?”
I lifted my eyes. “Um, yeah.”
Get me out of here.
“Well, with the weather being what it is, my friend’s husband is driving, and they’re bringing their two children to drop them off at friend’s houses for a sleep-over. They only have room for one, but I assured them that was more than enough.”
Fucking really?
“I’ll ride in the cargo area,” I said, trying and failing to sound funny.
“It’s a sedan, I’m afraid.”
I felt like screaming. My phone still had zero bars, and I hit the backlight again just for the comfort of my wallpaper. The four of us, all at the Christmas tree farm just three weeks ago. The kids begrudgingly posed for me because they knew I needed my annual photo. Jake with his arm around me, and the kids on either side. A stranger had offered to take the picture.
I needed my memories.
�
��I’ll go. I’ll have someone out here in less than an hour,” he promised me softly.
“Maybe a little longer than that. Another blizzard just hit.”
I looked toward the expanse of black windows, but all I could see was our reflection.
“Great,” I said.
“And that windchill. Oh, my.” Virginia shivered in her white cardigan sweater. “No hiking in this. You’ll catch your death.”
I pursed my lips together, biting the insides of my cheeks as my head really began to pound.
EIGHT
Cal and Lana were arguing in their room.
I wasn’t embarrassed for them anymore. Virginia had to see what sloppy people they were, inside and out. Cal shouted something about it being ‘all Lana’s fault’ they stopped off the highway to begin with.
I smirked, holding my finger up as Jake reached for our door handle.
“You want to listen to that crap?” he asked, wrinkling his nose.
I shrugged. “Why not. It’s entertaining and I need to distract myself from the fact that we’re still here.”
“I’m going to pack up,” he said, without comment.
I nodded.
I knew Jake gave me allowances for being an emotional woman, but thought I dwelled too much in the past.
I thought I dwelled the appropriate amount of time in the past. I dwelled on the horrors that had made me into a stronger woman.
“It’s your fucking fault we’re stuck here!” Cal was saying.
“You were falling asleep at the wheel!” Lana defended.
“You could have driven if you weren’t so fucking drunk!” Cal responded.
I leaned against the wall in the hallway, tracing the floral design with my fingertip.
They were both always so fucking drunk.
Lilly was the only one who ever wanted to stay overnight with her father. Leah and Clay had written him off long ago. They’d lived with too much abuse in every size and shape, and they hated that he’d had an affair. They were older and felt an allegiance to me, but moreover they were disgusted with their father’s infidelity. Clay tried to get to know Lana at first, but soon neither of them wanted anything to do with their new stepmother. The kids referred to her as “Dad’s wife”- when they had to refer to her at all.
ABOUT HER Page 7