Endlessly

by C. V. Hunt

  She nodded.

  I sat looking at the floor, hoping she didn’t think I was a nut case. “Some people believe that once you find out what your soul is, you can shape shift to that entity at will.”

  She laughed, then stopped when she saw I was not laughing with her. “You’re not kidding, are you?”

  “I’m not.”

  “And it’s true that I could be one of these…uh…beings?”

  “We can start trying to find out on Saturday.”

  “Saturday,” she breathed. She looked up at me. “Right. Well, we’ll do that. I’ll make sure I have off. Speaking of which, I have to go to work soon. I work graveyard shift at a crappy factory.” She laughed again, this time to relieve the tension. She stood up, took my mug, and walked into the kitchen. I got up to leave. I inhaled deeply. The whole place was filled with her scent. She sat the mugs on the kitchen table. I walked to the door, keeping my gaze fixed straight ahead. I was afraid of what would happen if we made eye contact again.

  She followed, then reached in front of me and touched the doorknob. She swung around and faced me. I kept my eyes averted, and assumed she was opening the door for me. I almost ran into her, and had to grab her shoulders to keep from knocking her down.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to run over you.” I looked into her eyes. What am I doing? I thought. Her magnetic pull was tearing my insides apart. Her scent seemed to pulsate in time with my heart, and I heard the pounding in my ears. I should’ve let go, but I couldn’t.

  She raised her hands and took off my sunglasses. I squinted, mostly from habit. The lights weren’t bright by the door. I kept a hold on her shoulders. Why didn’t I let go? I looked into her eyes—that pulse again. My breaths came fast and loud.

  She put one icy hand on the side of my neck, leaned into me and pressed her cold lips to mine. The flash of images startled me, and I lurched into the kiss. The last image was of Kale hunched over Ash. Then I saw nothing. She squeezed me.

  Jason was right. This is what I wanted. Her. All of her. Everything about her.

  Her whole body felt cold, lips, hands, face, even her breath. Her kiss was like mint on my tongue. I brought my trembling hands to her face and gently pushed her back. I rested my forehead against hers.

  My breathing was out of control, and my heart was beating so fast I thought it might explode. The pull in my chest went beyond ache; it was searing pain.

  She looked straight at me, but I could not bring myself to look back at her. The kiss had proved too much for me. I can’t do this, I thought. She’s not a vampire. I’ll end up having to kill her. As I tried to push away she kept her arms around me.

  “We can’t do this,” I said, stepping back. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you.” It was all I could do to keep from running out the door.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t normally do that. You probably have a girlfriend.” She blushed, dropping her hands, but they stopped at my waist, her fingers resting on my hips.

  “No,” I said quickly. “That’s not it at all. It’s just that…there are some rules...made by people you’ll learn about. We can’t be together. We’re different. You’ll learn how and why soon enough.”

  Her hand slid up to my gun in its holster. “What’s that?” she asked in confusion.

  I looked down at her hand, then into her eyes. “It’s a gun. I carry it for protection. What we’re talking about is dangerous stuff. What I’ve told you should never be repeated. I probably shouldn’t have told you at all. We can’t change that, but if certain folks were to find out, they might want to harm me…even kill me.”

  She let go of my side, and bit her lip. “Is this the same people that would tell us we can’t be together? Am I in trouble too?”

  “Yes,” I said, “but as long as you don’t tell anyone about this you will be safe.” I took both of her hands and brought them back up to my face. When I saw the tattoos on her knuckles again I almost wanted to laugh. Her skin was so cold…she had to be cold-blooded. I laid a kiss onto her hands, then looked into her eyes for approval. She blushed. Staring into her face, I needed every ounce of will power to keep from kissing her again. My mind and my body were at war, one saying, “Go!” while the other said: “Stay!”

  “I really have to go,” I said.

  “Yeah,” she mumbled. “Me too. I think I don’t like these people you’ve been talking about—the ones with the rules.”

  “If you knew what I was, Ash, you would not like me either.” I separated myself from her, and it felt like skin tearing. I winced, then covered it by saying: “Saturday at noon then?”

  “Noon’s fine,” she said, “and you can park in the driveway.” She gave me a shy smile as she handed me my sunglasses. “Verloren, I don’t think there is anything you could be that I wouldn’t like.”

  I pushed the sunglasses back into her hands. “Keep them. I have another pair.” I paused and looked at her. “You might be sorely surprised once you find out what I really am.” With that I rushed out the door.

  I ran to my bike, gulping night air in an attempt to get her scent out of my head. I climbed on, started it, then sped toward Dayton. I would make it there and back home before dawn. Not that I needed to hide from the sun. I just didn’t want to hear Jason complain about me feeding alone. He’d done it himself on occasion, and right then I needed to feed. Ash had left me ravenous, and not just for food. I would give the Dayton police something to keep them busy. It would be a night filled with Goths, metal heads, and punks. I knew the club, the people, and when I should strike.

  This was going to be messy.

  Chapter 7

  THE WAR

  It was early morning before I made it home. I hoped that would be for the best. I assumed Jason would be asleep. I pulled my bike into its usual spot next to Jason’s. Fully fed, I felt better…almost giddy.

  I had left the bodies in two different alleys far from where I’d picked them up. They were two brunettes. I’d had fun with both of them, and I’d considered staying long enough to take a nap, but I figured I should dump the bodies quickly and get out of town. I wanted to get back before Jason woke up. I’d fed in a rundown house, leaving a bloody mess. I’d taken only enough time to shower, and rinse off the bodies.

  As I walked toward the back door of the apartment, my vampire ears caught the sound of the television. I entered as quietly as I could. Jason’s snores came from the living room. I crept down the hallway and went straight toward my bedroom. I didn’t bother looking in on Jason. I knew the picture: sprawled on the couch, remote in hand, as some reality crap played out on the screen. Why was I sneaking around? I don’t know. It’s not like I answered to him.

  As my hand caught the doorknob I heard Jason stir.

  “Hey,” he croaked.

  I stood still.

  “Where the fuck you been?” He sat up. “Why didn’t you answer your cell?”

  I stood by the door, facing away from him. “You know I hate talking on the phone,” I said.

  I heard him inhale. He smelled the kill. “So did you kill her or make her?” he demanded.

  “Neither.” I spun around to face him.

  “Hey, asshole don’t get pissy with me. I’m not the one who went out and ate alone. Selfish dick!” He reached for his cigarettes and lighter. He lit up, took a deep drag and blew the smoke upward in a straight line. Then he looked at me. “So what happened?”

  “What? You need to know everything? What are you, my fucking shrink? Are you going to ask if I want to talk about it?” I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him.

  “Hey man, don’t take it personal. You’ve got to admit, you’ve been acting pretty fucking weird since she showed up. I just want to make sure that I don’t get killed by the Quatre because of your ass.”

  When he mentioned the Quatre I saw the flipbook of images again, ending with Sara as a little girl. There was something important in that picture but my mind couldn’t grasp it. Then the picture blurred,
and I wasn’t sure if I’d seen anything. The flashing images were starting to piss me off. I growled and clenched my jaw.

  Jason heard my growl, rolled his eyes, and flicked the ash from his cigarette. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed.

  Finally I said: “Nothing happened. I went to her house. I talked with her about the same stuff she would’ve learned if she’d come to the workshop.” I stopped, hoping that would cover it. I understood Jason’s intentions, but I wasn’t going to tell him everything. Ash had affected him too, and I wasn’t sure how. I just knew that his aura had taken on a strange tone. It was as if he were radiating corruption.

  My answer only sparked more interest. “Really?” he said. “You talked to her? And she knows? Then what is she?”

  He was jealous. It had taken me a moment to see that, but the churning colors in his aura could have no other explanation. I didn’t know why. “She understands that she is an incarnate,” I said, “but she doesn’t know much about what kind of incarnate she is. She’s decided to have a private meditation session on Saturday. I’m doing it at her place. After that I’m hoping she’ll understand.” I closed my eyes, lowered my head, and tried to envision what she could be.

  Suddenly I understood Jason’s jealousy. Just as vampires were encouraged to only mate with other vampires, the same was true for incarnates. It made life simpler, eliminating the need for secrecy. There were only a few female incarnates in our part of the world, and the ones that weren’t already taken had rejected Jason. He fucked up with every woman he found, but that didn’t change the fact that he was looking for a mate.

  “Do you think that I could tag along?” Jason asked, taking another drag off his cigarette.

  My heart sank. I had strong feelings for Ash, and I felt like ripping his head off for even thinking of her like that. It was like a blow to the stomach. Yet I knew he was right. Jason wanted a partner. By law she was right for him, not me. I was supposed to continue fucking and killing humans as needed. After all, how could someone actually care about a monster like me?

  “Sure. Why not,” I said.

  I kept telling myself it would be better this way, but I knew that wasn’t true. It wasn’t just the girl. I felt as if my life hung in the balance. Letting Jason have her would be like letting him take my life away.

  I sat on the edge of the couch, my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. I looked at my battered boots. The laces were barely holding them together.

  “So, you dickhead,” he said, “you have to tell me what you did. You smell like food and pussy. Is that why I couldn’t come along? You know I don’t want your sloppy seconds.” He nudged me, laughed, then took another drag off his cigarette.

  I continued to stare at the floor. I couldn’t tell him the truth. What I’d done with Ash was inappropriate. I couldn’t take it back though, and I didn’t want to. Ash was the girl I’d been looking for, someone who could share in my miserable life, someone who could relate to who and what I was. Yet I knew it was impossible. Maybe I should give up on finding anyone like me, I thought. Start looking for a human and ask the Quatre for permission to make her a partner. I just wish it could be Ash.

  “Well?” Jason nudged me again. He craved the juicy sex story. He was such a vulgar jerk, yet he had a chance with her and I didn’t. I felt like punching him in his smug little face.

  If they wound up together I would move away from here. I would have to. It would be like salt on a wound. I knew I should give up any thought of Ash. But right at that moment Jason wanted the story, so I told him:

  “I went to Dayton and picked up two girls at a goth club. They were staying in a rundown house. I had a three-way with them and drank them dry. I dumped their bodies in two different alleys. That’ll give the police something to do.” I smiled to myself. That would keep Jason’s mind busy.

  He giggled like a schoolgirl. “You are a twisted bastard. You talk about it the same way humans would talk about going to the store to buy groceries.”

  “That’s what it is,” I said, “going to the grocery store.”

  Jason always loved the gory details. I didn’t feel one way or another about them. I wasn’t sure what was worse, me not caring about the people I killed, or him enjoying the recap.

  “I’m going to take a nap before we open the store,” I said, getting up from the couch.

  “Yeah I would be tired too if I’d tapped two chicks in one night. Lucky bastard. Wish I had control over peoples’ minds. I would be getting all kinds of ass up in here.” He leaned back into the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

  I walked to my room, my head lowered to hide my anger. Once I’d shut my bedroom door I leaned back against it, looked at the four-poster bed, then saw my reflection. I was a crazed monster.

  That is when I realized I could never let Jason have her. He only wanted to get laid. He didn’t care for her, and never would. Jason was incapable of ever having the rooted feelings I had for her. All he saw was a pretty face on an incarnate. He would never want anything deeper than that. I didn’t care about the law. I wanted her, and I would not let her fall into Jason’s hands.

  I stared at myself, hands trembling, and fingers curled into white knuckled fists.

  I would do whatever it took. You know the saying: All is fair…

  Chapter 8

  EVADING HOPE

  On Saturday I woke up early. Jessica had briefed me about what I might need, so I gathered those items I had, putting them in my worn black backpack.

  Chris came in early. “Hey, I seen you were up early. Ready to go blow up some shit?”

  I’d forgotten about target practice. “Shit!” I said. “I completely blanked it out, dude. I had something come up last minute. If you’re not busy tomorrow I can go. Jason can come with us. He’s itching to use that horrendous gun.”

  “Why, what’s up today?” He asked.

  “Just some stuff.” I answered.

  “What kind of stuff? Come on man, just blow it off. You can do it later.”

  Through the open door to the apartment, Jason overheard our conversation. He poked his head out and cried: “It’s a giiirrllll wooooo!”

  “Shut up jackass!” I snapped. “No one asked you!” I picked up a pen and threw it at his head. He ducked back into the apartment.

  Chris laughed. I was lucky that he wasn’t paying much attention. With my vampire strength I’d pierced the door with the pen. My sensitive ears caught Jason’s mutterings about how I’d almost killed him. Chris didn’t notice any of it.

  “Augh man, a girl?” Chris jeered. “Come on, blow her off. She’ll forgive you. If she doesn’t, dump her. You’ll find another.”

  “No, man. Sorry. I really got to do this,” I said.

  “You got it for her pretty bad, huh? Well, I hope she can cook. Someone needs to feed your ass. Jason don’t cook for shit, does he?” He was talking in a stage whisper so Jason would hear. Of course, Jason would’ve heard Chris’s slightest breath.

  “Hey! I can cook!” Jason shouted.

  “No, you can’t, dipshit!” Chris laughed. “All right, all right. Since you got a hot date, I’ll swing by tomorrow. Just remember, Verloren, when Jason says no, he means no.”

  “Ha ha very funny.” I flipped him off as he walked out laughing.

  Jason spent the rest of the morning getting ready. I double-checked my books and herbs, then got ready to open. I felt bad leaving Jessica in the store by herself all day. She had the seminars going on in the back. But I knew she could handle it.

  Though Jessica knew more than I did about many things, I still didn’t completely trust her. She wasn’t giving me answers about the flashes. Whenever I brought it up she changed the subject, diverting me until I forgot what I’d asked. I think she was using some kind of spell. Every conversation we had ended with my thoughts getting hazy.

  Jessica had agreed to work all day, so she would be there if any problems came up. I knew that meant she would stay there unti
l we returned. I trusted her to do this, but if anything bad happened I knew she could resend her soul. That would be a last resort. There’s seldom any reason to give up the body, and wipe the memory clean, but it happens. Sometimes an incarnate will simply decide that this present life isn’t worth it. This occasionally happens to a werewolf, troll or fairy. When it does, a witch can resend the soul and make the person forget whatever horror made it necessary. It’s a lot like permanent amnesia.

  I waited on Jason to finish grooming himself. This took awhile. He was sure he was going to be with Ash, so he pondered over clothes, hair, and every other part of his appearance.

  Finally I’d had enough. “You’re acting like a girl,” I said. “Knock it off and hurry up.” Just then I heard the shop door open. Jessica had arrived. “I’ve got to talk to Jessica. When I get back you better be ready.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Or what?”

  I sighed and walked away before we came to blows.

  In the store I saw Jessica’s fiery red hair bobbing down an aisle. Her movements were light and buoyant. She was getting back to her usual self. As she pulled a wheeled suitcase toward me she smiled broadly. “Good morning, Verloren.”

  “What’s with the extra supplies?” I asked her. I stuffed my hands in my pockets, not wanting her to touch them. Even a brush of our fingers would let her glimpse my thoughts.

  “If you boys run into problems I’ll be fully equipped,” she said, still smiling. She reached for my hand.

  I shoved my hands even deeper into my pockets. “I’d rather not, if you don’t mind. Once was enough.”

  She jumped at me trying to get at my hands, but we both knew that it was pointless. I gave her a devilish grin. She wanted to know everything, while I wanted her to know only that which was absolutely necessary. Though I could confide in Jessica about things that I wouldn’t discuss with anyone else, I had to consider the law. Besides, the onetime she’d read my thoughts, she’d acted so strange.