by Nancy Revell
‘You know,’ Rosie said, ‘it mightn’t be too long before we can get him back here. Miriam’s hold over you both is starting to slacken.’ She moved to the side to let Mickey the tea boy pass with his swinging pole of tin cups. ‘I mean, now that Rina’s got her job at Vera’s there’s no worry about her and Hannah keeping a roof over their heads, and anyway, I really don’t think Miriam would be able to get our little bird sacked. She’s become Basil’s protégée. I know he’d fight tooth and nail to keep her.
‘And,’ Rosie continued, ‘it’s not as if Miriam can cause any problems for poor Polly and Tommy – she can make up whatever rumours she wants now, it doesn’t matter. And Dorothy and Angie are getting their own place, which means there’s only really Martha that she could hurt.’
‘I guess so,’ Gloria said. ‘But that’s one problem I can’t see us ever being able to solve. Martha can never know about her real mother.’
‘I know,’ Rosie agreed. ‘I just hate to think of Miriam having such control over you.’
‘I think,’ Gloria said, ‘I’ve just accepted that this is the way it’s going to be for the time being … Jack and I’ll be all right. Things’ll sort themselves out in time.’
Rosie looked at Gloria. Something told her that there might well be some other reason her friend seemed so resigned to the fact that Jack was not able to return home.
Chapter Eighteen
Tuesday 21 July
‘Ohh, Helen, are yer sure? There’s so many things to consider.’
Gloria was finding it hard to keep her voice level. She wanted to scream, plead and beg – do anything that might make Helen change her mind.
‘I know this is what you feel like you want to do at this very moment in time,’ Gloria desperately tried to keep her voice calm as she fed Hope, ‘but you might feel different in a week or so. Perhaps you can hold off for a little while. Give yourself more time to think things through.’
Gloria looked at Helen, who was sitting on the bottom step that led from her basement flat up to the street. It had been a hot day and the evening was warm and muggy, making the flat feel airless. Sitting by the front door gave them a reprieve from the stuffiness, as well as providing some privacy as no one could see them unless they hung over the metal railings at the top.
‘Gloria, I can’t leave it any longer,’ Helen said, fanning herself with her father’s most recent letter. ‘I’ll be showing soon. Besides, the doctor said the sooner the better.’
Gloria shot a look at Helen.
‘What doctor? What, you’ve seen someone already?’
Gloria tried to keep calm but it was becoming increasingly difficult.
‘Yes, up at the Royal. He’s going to do it next week.’
‘But I don’t understand. I didn’t think it was … allowed. Legal?’ Gloria wiped Hope’s mouth and sat down on a chair that she had used to wedge open her front door.
‘Well,’ Helen said, ‘like all things, it would seem that there are ways in which the laws of the land can be circumvented, especially if you’ve got money.’
Helen looked through into the living area to see Hope sitting up in her high chair, her bib covered in orange goo from the pureed carrots Gloria had just been feeding her.
‘Well, I still don’t like the sound of this one bit. Please let me talk to yer dad about all this?’
God, how she wished she could tell Jack. She was sure he would be able to talk some sense into her.
Helen shook her head.
‘No. No way, Gloria. Remember, you promised me.’
‘There are reasons these practices are against the law.’
Gloria didn’t particularly believe what she was saying, but she was clutching at straws. ‘There are other ways around all of this,’ she added.
‘I’m sorry, Gloria. I know this wouldn’t be what you would do, but this really is the only way for me,’ Helen said, opening up her handbag and pulling out her cigarettes.
‘If you don’t want to keep the baby, how about having it adopted out?’ Gloria suggested.
‘I’m not going to disappear somewhere for the next six months,’ Helen said, ‘have a baby and then just hand it over to some stranger. I just couldn’t do it. I know I couldn’t.’
Suddenly Gloria was struck by an idea. Her face lit up. ‘What about if I took the baby? Pretended it was mine.
Then you wouldn’t be handing your baby over to some stranger. You could come and see your baby as much as you wanted. She would be Hope’s little sister.’
Hearing her name, Hope shouted out ‘Mama.’
‘Oh, Gloria.’ Helen let out a sad laugh. ‘You’re even nuttier than I thought you were.’ She shook her head, all the while her eyes fixed on her little sister.
‘Why is that such a mad idea?’ Gloria said, hoping upon hope that there must be some way to convince Helen to keep her baby.
‘There’s so many reasons,’ Helen said, lighting her cigarette and blowing smoke up into the sky. ‘I’d be here all night going through them all. Besides, I’ve made my decision. It’s all arranged.’
Gloria disappeared into the kitchen, reappearing a few minutes later with two cups of tea. She handed one to Helen and perched herself back on the chair.
‘All right, I’m not gonna keep harping on at ya, but I have to ask, have yer talked this through with yer mam?’
Helen let out a bitter laugh.
‘God, she would be champing at the bit if she knew what I was going to do. In a roundabout way it was my dear mama that put the idea in my head in the first place.’
‘What do you mean?’ Gloria could feel her hackles rise. ‘I overheard her and Granddad chatting about me – about my dire situation – and Mum said that the only real solution would be for me to “get rid of it”.’
Gloria was aghast.
‘But I’m sure she didn’t really mean it.’
Helen let out another mirthless laugh.
‘Oh, Gloria, she meant it. Believe you me, she meant it.
She’d be over the moon if she was listening in to our conversation now. She’d be rushing faster than normal to the Grand to celebrate with that Amelia woman.’
Gloria was quiet. She knew there was truth in what Helen was saying.
‘Which is exactly the reason why I’m not going to tell her. I’m going to make her suffer for as long as I can. Have her worry herself silly that she’s going to be the talk of the town. That the family are going to be scandalised. And that she is going to suffer public humiliation. God knows what she’d do to try and keep it under wraps that the baby’s father is a married man … Now, that would have been interesting.’
Gloria sighed. Helen’s anger towards her mother was seething out of every pore. And understandably so. She would feel exactly the same had she had a mother like Miriam.
‘The funny thing is, if my love affair with Theo had been real and not a sham, I might have considered keeping the baby. I think I could have coped with the stigma if I had got pregnant outside of wedlock and the baby’s father was someone I loved and who loved me back, or he’d had to go off to war, or died before we’d managed to get married, but I cannot have a baby by a man who doesn’t love me, who’s married to someone else, who’s already got two children and has just had a third – a man who quite simply just used me and then tossed me away … I cannot have a baby with someone like that.’
Gloria was quiet, trying desperately to think of the best thing to say.
‘You know, Helen,’ she said gently, ‘it’s not just his baby. It’s yours as well. It would be tough, but you’ve just said yourself that you could deal with it. And you must know that your dad would be there to support you – and obviously it goes without saying that I’d be here too.’
‘I think you’re wrong about Dad,’ Helen said sadly. ‘He’s more old-fashioned than you think. And I am his little girl, after all.’
‘Helen, he’s not going to judge you when he’s had a child with a woman who’s not his wife!’
Gloria wanted to shake Helen. She really did idolise her father – was terrified of being seen as anything less than perfect in his eyes.
‘But that’s different,’ Helen said. ‘It’s different for men for starters, and I’m his daughter. Daughters don’t go and get pregnant by married men who want nothing more to do with them.’
‘Perhaps not,’ Gloria agreed, ‘but that doesn’t mean yer dad ’n I won’t be here to help you ’n yer baby. Yer won’t be alone!’
Helen got up from the steps and walked back into the flat. She put her cup and saucer on the side and went over and picked up Hope, whose face had started to crease as though she was about to cry.
‘What happens if something goes wrong?’ Gloria said. She’d heard of the terrible after-effects that often befell women who had decided to end a pregnancy.
‘Gloria, I’ve got one of the top gynaecologists in the whole of the north-east, who is also being paid an awful lot of money to do the job properly – as well as to keep his mouth shut. Believe you me, nothing’ll go wrong,’ Helen said simply.
‘Well, you can never be sure with these things – top-notch doctor or not,’ Gloria warned.
Helen didn’t say anything. She’d had a good talk with the elderly Dr Billingham and it was clear he had been doing these sorts of operations for a good while. Besides, he had reassured her that she had been wise in acting so quickly and coming to him so early in the pregnancy.
‘I know yer don’t want to hear this,’ Gloria said, watching Helen fuss over Hope, ‘but you really would make a great mam. You’re a natural with Hope.’ She paused. ‘I think you’re making a huge mistake. I wish I could change yer mind. I really do.’
As Helen gave Hope a kiss and put her back in her high chair, she turned to Gloria. There were tears in her eyes and she did something that shocked Gloria – she gave her a hug.
‘Well, I think you’re a great mam.’ Helen’s words were spoken quietly and with a deep warmth.
‘I just don’t want you to do anything you might regret,’ Gloria said.
‘I won’t,’ Helen said. ‘Believe you me, I won’t.’
When Helen had gone, Gloria managed to get Hope down for the night without too much bother. She herself, though, felt restless and troubled. Not being able to chat to Jack about Helen and the difficulty his daughter had found herself in felt like trying to box with your hands behind your back. If Helen had been her daughter she was sure she would have been able to convince her to keep the baby.
But Helen wasn’t her daughter.
She was Miriam’s daughter.
And from what she had just been told, there was no way that Miriam would even try to get Helen to change her mind. Quite the reverse. She wouldn’t want Helen to change her mind.
God, what hope did the poor girl have?
Chapter Nineteen
The GPO, Norfolk Street, Sunderland
Saturday 25 July
‘I got another letter from Helen today!’
There was no disguising the happiness in Jack’s voice. ‘She spent most of the letter telling me about Hope. She really does love her little sister, doesn’t she?’
‘She does,’ Gloria agreed. ‘She’s a real natural with her as well.’
All the more reason she shouldn’t do what she’s planning on doing! a voice in her head screamed.
‘And,’ Jack said, ‘she’s really keen to come up to the Clyde ’n visit sometime soon. She reckons she’ll be able to get some time off work in a few weeks.’
Gloria had to bite her tongue. She knew the only reason Helen had made such a promise was because by that time she would no longer be with child.
‘Yer know, Gloria, I really feel like things are on the up. You’ve got yer divorce, ’n I’ve got my daughter back. And my memory. And you’ve just had word from yer boys. I have a good feeling that everything’s gonna turn out all right.’
Gloria had her ear pressed to the receiver, silently thanking the Lord that Jack could not see her face at this moment, otherwise he’d know straight away that something was wrong – that everything was far from turning out all right.
‘Ah, that’s great to hear, Jack. I’m sure it will … So, how’s work going?’ Gloria asked, changing the subject. She didn’t trust herself talking about Helen.
‘Full pelt as usual,’ Jack said. ‘Ya know, it’s like that terrible bombing last year has made the people here even more dogged. More defiant. Mind you, that’s the Scots fer ya. They’re a hardy lot. And bloody obstinate.’
As Jack chatted on, normally Gloria would have listened intently to every word he said, especially as the time they managed to speak to each other was precious, but today her mind was elsewhere. All she could think about was Helen – and, moreover, the urgency of her situation.
Just tell him! she berated herself.
If Gloria told Jack, there might be a good chance that he would be able to talk Helen around. That Helen would realise she was making a massive mistake and that they would support her.
But you made a promise! another voice screamed. Helen had made her swear that she would not tell her father, and Gloria had told Helen that she was a ‘woman of my word’.
‘You all right there, Glor?’ Jack suddenly asked.
The two internal voices were silenced.
‘Yes, yes, I’m fine, Jack. Sorry, I just got distracted there.
Someone’s trying to get me off the phone.’
‘Well, tell them to bugger off!’ Jack’s voice was jocular. ‘No, I’m only joking,’ he added. ‘Get yourself off. This must be costing yer a small fortune. Try ’n call me the same time next week. And don’t forget to give Hope a big cuddle from me. I do miss her, yer know.’
‘I know yer do, Jack.’
‘All right, then, you put the phone down. But before you do, remember, I love yer to pieces.’
Gloria was quiet for a moment. ‘Jack?’
‘Yes, Glor?’
It was now or never.
‘I just …’
Another pause.
‘I just wanted to tell you something …’
‘Go on, Glor – what is it?’
‘I just wanted to say …’ Gloria breathed heavily into the phone. ‘I just wanted to say …’
It was no good. She couldn’t do it.
‘I just wanted to say how much I love ya, Jack.’
Gloria felt her whole body deflate. She was in an impossible position. She couldn’t betray Helen’s trust. No matter how much she wanted to.
‘Aye, I know yer do, Glor,’ Jack said. ‘Yer sound tired. Get yourself home ’n get some rest. I’ll write to yer tomorrow.’
As Gloria pushed Hope home in the pram she felt completely alone.
Her head was stuffed so full of secrets she was now almost frightened to speak.
She couldn’t tell her workmates the real reason Jack was not able to come home.
Nor could she tell them about Helen, and show them that she was not the ‘witch’ they all thought she was.
But worst of all, she wasn’t able to tell Jack the truth about his own daughter, and thereby stop Helen doing something Gloria was sure she was going to regret.
Chapter Twenty
Monday 27 July
Helen stood at the open window of the office. She had a cigarette loosely scissored between her fingers, but she was not smoking it. Her pregnancy had affected her in ways she wouldn’t have guessed. Her sense of smell seemed to be more acute, and although she had started to crave certain kinds of foods, some things tasted different. She had occasionally enjoyed a cup of coffee, but now she couldn’t abide the taste. The same with smoking. She only took a few drags before either stubbing it out, or letting it burn to the butt.
She still made a show of smoking, though, as it gave her an excuse to just sit and think, or, like now, stand and look out at the yard.
‘Sorry to bother you, Miss Crawford.’ Marie-Anne broke through Helen’s thoughts. ‘But there’s a gentle
man here to see you. He says his name’s Mr Parker. Mr John Parker.’
Helen looked over Marie-Anne’s shoulder to see John standing in her office, looking uncomfortable.
‘Well, if he says his name’s Mr Parker, it probably is, Marie-Anne.’ And with that Helen tossed her cigarette out the window and marched over to her office.
‘John,’ she said, closing the door behind her. ‘Is everything all right?’ She kept her voice low. ‘Is everything still on for tomorrow?’ Her voice was now almost a whisper.
‘Yes, yes, no problems there,’ Dr Parker said.
‘Come, sit down.’ Helen waved her arm at the chair.
‘Thanks for not using your title.’
John put up his hand as if to stop her gratitude.
‘I actually prefer Mister. As soon as people know you’re a doctor, that’s it, you’re stuck listening to a list of their lifelong ailments and being asked for an immediate cure … Do you mind if I take off my jacket?’ he asked as he pulled the chair out. ‘I can’t believe how hot it is today.’
‘It’s been like this for weeks now,’ Helen laughed. ‘When was the last time you were out during the day?’
‘I know. I think I’m going to turn into some kind of vampire, only leaving the sanctuary of the hospital when it’s dark.’ Dr Parker chuckled, slinging his dark grey jacket on the back of the chair.
‘Can I get you anything?’ Helen asked. ‘A drink of anything? I can get one of the girls to go and get you a tray of tea and sandwiches if you like?’
Dr Parker shook his head. ‘No, no, thank you anyway, Helen. I just really wanted to have a quick chat to you about tomorrow.’
Helen automatically went for her packet of cigarettes. She pulled one out but didn’t light it.
‘All right, fire ahead,’ she said, suddenly hit by a flurry of nerves. She was fine whenever she was thinking – or, rather, daydreaming – about life after her pregnancy, but whenever she thought about the actual ending of the pregnancy itself, and the reality of what she was going to have done, she felt anything but fine.