“I know, sweetheart. And I’d love to tell you things won’t change, but I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”
Even if the kids stayed in Brookhollow with her, they would have to leave the B and B. She had a house—which wasn’t quite big enough—and a career. How would she be able to do this?
Melissa’s shoulders started to shake. Lindsay bent even lower to hug her. “I’m sorry. We will figure this out, okay?” She smoothed the girl’s hair, praying for the answers she didn’t have.
“How could they leave us, Aunt Lindsay?” she whispered.
How many times had she asked herself that question in the past few days?
“It wasn’t their choice, sweetheart. They loved you very much and they would never have left you if they’d had a choice.”
Melissa pulled away and wiped her eyes. “You have a choice.”
* * *
HOW MUCH LONGER were these people going to stay?
With uncertain steps, Lindsay moved through the crowded room. She understood this tradition of gathering when the person who’d passed had been old...or sick for a long time, but when the passing was sudden and there were five children to consider, wouldn’t the best way to pay respects be to give the family privacy?
By now her mother had made sure everyone knew that Lindsay had been appointed legal guardian of the kids, and the responses ranged from murmured discussions and questioning looks to the outright bluntness of her aunt Muriel. “Were they out of their minds?”
The consensus was the same: she was the last person anyone would have expected Nathan to name as guardian in his will. Apparently the only thing that sensible, practical Nathan had ever done that perplexed people was to leave the well-being of his children to his flighty, inconsistent sister.
The never-ending supply of hors d’oeuvres, desserts and finger sandwiches kept coming from the kitchen, but she had no appetite. She wished the food would run out so maybe these people would all finally go home.
She’d barely seen the kids in hours as her mother took them around to various friends and family members who had arrived from out of town. “They want to offer their condolences,” she’d said when Lindsay suggested giving the children a break.
The kids looked tired, confused and lost. All of the emotions she felt were mirrored on their tiny faces.
Melissa caught her eye and her desperation was too much for Lindsay. Crossing the room, she took her niece by the hand.
“Where are you going?” her mother asked.
“Aunt Muriel was looking for her,” she lied, giving the girl’s hand a squeeze.
“Oh, okay. Well, make sure she meets Uncle...”
Yeah, she’d get right on that, Lindsay thought as she led Melissa away and up the stairs.
“Thanks,” Melissa said once they were inside her bedroom.
“Sorry, I didn’t do it sooner.” She hugged her. “How are you doing?”
“I’d like to be alone if that’s okay,” Melissa said, sitting on the pink-and-white quilt Rachel’s grandma Norris had made for her in honor of being the first great-grandchild. On the bed was her self-made family photo album, a purple scrapbook decorated with flowers and hearts.
“Of course, sweetheart. If you need me, text me, okay?” She’d bought a prepaid cell phone for her niece against her parents’ wishes the month before. At the time they’d lectured her about it, but today she was grateful for the phone. “I’ll make sure no one bothers you,” she said just as there was a knock on the door.
No freaking way, Mom.
She swung open the door, ready to blast her mother if she insisted Melissa rejoin the guests downstairs, but it was Jacob and Caleb standing there. “Hi, guys.” She quickly scanned the hall as they entered, making sure her mother wasn’t close behind.
“We ran away from Grandma,” Caleb said.
“Can we stay in here with Mel?” Jacob asked.
Lindsay glanced at Melissa. “That’s up to your sister.”
“It’s fine,” she said, tucking the photo album under her pillow.
“Okay. Are you guys hungry? I can sneak up some food.”
All three shook their heads.
“Yeah, me, neither,” she said, moving out into the hall. At this rate they’d all weigh a collective hundred pounds by week’s end. “Text if you need anything.” Closing the door, she leaned against it and shut her eyes.
At the sound of footfalls coming up the stairs, she ducked into the bathroom across the hall, locked the door quickly and slid the length of it to the floor.
If the kids could hide from her mother for a while, so could she.
* * *
“I’LL JUST BE A SEC,” Lindsay called through the door of the bathroom.
Noah leaned against the wall and waited. He’d seen her go in there almost ten minutes ago and he’d resisted the urge to check on her for—he looked at his watch—nine minutes and thirty-eight seconds.
The past few days had been torture as he’d tried to be there for her but not intrude on the family’s time. The drive from the Newark airport to Brookhollow with her parents had made it painfully obvious she was not close to them. In fact, her mother seemed to blame her for not being able to save Nathan.
He’d never met the Harpers before that day, and if he never had to spend time with them again, it would be too soon. Seeing the way they treated their only daughter had made him angry for her.
She, on the other hand, had accepted the verbal abuse from her mother. And whether it was because she wanted to avoid an argument in front of him or if she actually believed there was truth in her mother’s harsh criticism, he wasn’t sure.
Either way, seeing the outspoken woman he cared about so quiet and defeated had torn him up.
He heard the water run and then a few muffled sniffles before the door opened. “Hi,” he said as she stepped out, her eyes bloodshot, sunken and dark.
“Hey, Noah. It’s all yours,” she said, moving past him.
“Lindsay...” In a second his arms were around her, hugging her tight to his chest.
She sank against him for a moment before straightening and taking a step back. “I should get back down there. I’ve been gone long enough.”
He pulled her back into him. “Take all the time you need. There’s no rush.”
Mrs. Mason, Victoria’s mother, was making sure everyone had everything they needed. He’d noticed her insisting Lindsay eat and rest a few times so far that day and he loved her already. He just wished Lindsay’s own mother was as sensitive.
“I need to check on the kids.”
“All asleep.” He knew that because, while Lindsay had been hiding in the washroom, he’d seen Leigh put the babies down for a nap.
He’d also pretended to check Melissa’s room for Lindsay’s mother when she’d been combing the hallway for them just moments before. Of course he’d lied and told her they weren’t in there. They had all fallen asleep on Melissa’s bed.
“You should get some sleep, too. You look exhausted.” He tilted her face up to stare into her eyes. “And when was the last time you ate something?”
She shook her head. “I remember that sandwich you brought me at the clinic the other night...and the potato salad.”
“Let’s get you something.” He rubbed her arms, but she just shook her head.
“I’m not hungry,” she said, moving away from him. Her gaze fell to the floor. “Thank you, Noah, for checking on me.”
He took her shaky hands in his steady ones. “Look at me,” he said quietly, and waited for her gaze to meet his. “You’re not alone. I’m here... Whenever, wherever... Just say the word, Lindsay, and I’m here.”
He knew despite his relentless pursuit of her over the past year, that she still didn’t take his affection serious
ly. He needed her to see him as someone she could rely on. It didn’t even terrify him that he wanted to be that person for her. Since the day he’d met Lindsay, he’d been head over heels for her.
“Why would you do that?” she croaked.
He touched her cheek, letting the back of his hand trail along her jawline as he cupped her face between his hands. “I thought that would be obvious by now, but if it isn’t...” He lowered his lips until they softly grazed hers.
As her eyes closed slowly, she gripped his shoulders and he felt her body relax into him. He tightened his arms around her, pulling her closer.
“At your brother’s funeral? Seriously, Lindsay?” Pamela Harper said from behind them in the hall.
Lindsay’s eyes flew open and she jumped back, the back of her hand going to her mouth.
“Mom!”
Standing between the two women, his arm protectively around Lindsay, Noah started to say, “I was just—”
“Taking advantage perhaps?” Pamela glared at them. “Though, knowing my daughter, probably not.” She shook her head.
A shiver ran through him and his first instinct was to defend Lindsay, but her hand on his forearm kept him from speaking.
“I was just coming back downstairs, Mom.”
Her mother held out a hand to stop her. “Wait. I need to talk to you.” She turned to Noah. “Can you give us a minute, please?”
He squeezed Lindsay’s hand and kissed her cheek. “I meant what I said—anything you need.” He nodded stiffly at Pamela as he passed her and turned the corner of the hallway, pausing when he heard her say, “About the kids.”
What about the kids?
“Not now, Mom.” Lindsay’s voice was strained. “This is not the time.”
“But it’s the time to be kissing some strange man?”
“He’s not a strange man. He picked you up at the airport three days ago, remember? Besides, he was checking to make sure I was okay.”
The edge in her voice made him realize he’d probably been the only one over the past few days, besides Mrs. Mason, who’d showed concern for Lindsay. He wished he’d been able to do more.
“We need to make a decision and I think you know what the right thing to do is.”
“Mom, can we please talk about this later? Once the guests are gone? Tomorrow?”
“Your father and I are flying out tomorrow morning.”
There was a moment of silence before Lindsay said, “You’re...leaving already?”
“Yes. Your father isn’t doing so well, and the stress of all of this isn’t helping. There’s no reason for us to stay any longer.”
For Lindsay. Noah fought the urge to join the conversation and remind this woman she hadn’t lost both of her children in the crash.
“You’re right. There’s no reason to stay,” Lindsay said coldly, but there was something else in her voice. Strength. “I’ve made a decision, so there’s nothing to talk about. The kids are staying with me.”
* * *
“I THOUGHT YOU QUIT.” Noah’s voice behind her made her jump as she hid the cigarette in her trembling hand later that evening.
“And I’ll quit again tomorrow,” she said, watching him walk across the yard to the gazebo in the backyard of the B and B. So much for not being discovered out here among the shaded privacy of the trees.
Reluctantly she snuffed out the first cigarette she’d had in weeks as he took a seat next to her.
“I thought everyone had left.”
After she’d put the kids to bed in their parents’ room, where they still insisted on sleeping, there had only been a few remaining guests in the sitting room with her mother and she hadn’t wanted to join them. Not for any money.
Her mother’s friends were sure to pressure her to let the kids move to Phoenix with her parents. Melissa wanted to stay in Brookhollow and so did the boys. They had friends here, family here.
Their parents were here.
“Only a few women left inside. I was about to leave when I saw you sneak out here and thought maybe you could use some company.”
What she wanted was to be alone. Alone to try to figure out how she was going to take care of five children. The last thing she needed right now was to have to explain to Noah the kiss they’d shared earlier that day—that she’d been hurting and he’d offered comfort, that was all.
She remained silent, staring out over the yard as the early June sun set in the sky.
“I overheard your conversation with your mom,” he said quietly.
She’d suspected as much. “I really don’t have the energy to talk about it right now.”
He nodded. “Okay.” He ran his hands along the length of his dark dress pants and hesitated before saying, “If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re doing the right thing.”
Unexpectedly annoyed, she snapped at him. “Really? You think the kids staying with their clueless aunt is the right thing? Obviously you know nothing about me.”
“I know you’re kind, caring, loving...and a great aunt to those kids,” he said.
“Exactly—a great aunt. That’s what I am. The cool aunt who pisses off their parents by letting them eat too much sugar and letting Melissa stay up well past bedtime. Not exactly mother material.”
“That was because you were their aunt, so no one expected you to discipline them or to be anything else. But now—”
She held up a hand to cut him off. She couldn’t hear this. She knew all too well that her role with the kids would have to change. She just had no idea how to make the transition. “Seriously, Noah, I can’t.”
He clamped his mouth shut. They sat in silence for a long moment before he reached for her hand.
Pulling it back, she stood. “I think I’ll call it a night.” He obviously had no plans to leave her to her thoughts and a repeat of earlier was not happening if that’s what he expected.
“Did I say something wrong? Because that wasn’t my intent.” He also stood, shoving his hands into his pockets.
She sighed. “No. Look, thank you for everything you’ve done, but I really don’t think you’re the person I should be leaning on right now.”
“Why not me? I want to be here.” He touched her arm and she backed away.
“Noah, I’m sorry I kissed you. That was wrong. I told you I wasn’t going to date you before and I’m certainly not changing my mind now.”
“Because of the kids.”
“Yes...no... Yes! Come on—I’m a woman with five children now. Look at me. This is who I am.” She pointed to her shoulder where Abby had vomited an hour before. “Feel my hair.”
He did.
“Chocolate cookie. I have to learn to be this new person now, for the kids. I have no idea how I’m going to do it. But I’m going to because that’s all I care about.”
He started to speak but she cut him off again.
“I have no room for a guy like you in my life. A guy who gets hurt and hurts people for money.”
She stepped out of the gazebo, not wanting to see his stricken expression. Knowing she’d hit him below the belt. “Good night, Noah. Thank you for being here.”
“Lindsay, I’m not giving up. If you need me, I’m still here,” he called after her.
She didn’t stop walking.
“You’re an MMA fighter, Noah. You know even less than I do about raising children, and I need to think long-term daddy potential if and whenever I decide to date again.”
She refused to look back to see the effect of the damage she was inflicting.
“Once again, you’re not the right guy.”
CHAPTER FIVE
LINDSAY SAT IN her Jeep staring at the sign for Brent’s Dodge, her depression at an all-time low. I can’t do this. She’d ordered the Jeep
from the Chrysler dealership in New York two years before. Leather seats, six-CD player, hardtop with a sunroof and painted a deep purple, it had been customized for her.
But three seats, five kids... She wasn’t great at math, but even she knew that wasn’t going to work.
She sighed as she opened the door and climbed out, sliding her dark sunglasses over her eyes.
“Hi. Welcome to Brent’s Dodge,” said a man in a dark charcoal suit, extending a hand to her. His nametag read Brent Cooper, Owner and Sales Manager.
“Hi,” she said, scanning the lot. The selection wasn’t as great as she’d been hoping.
“What can we help you with?” he asked with a smile.
If she had to guess, he was probably her age or slightly older and, based on the tailored suit and expensive watch he wore, business at the dealership was good.
“Minivans,” she mumbled, wishing the ground would open up and swallow her. The one vehicle she swore she’d never own.
“Okay. Over here we have the Dodge Grand Caravans that arrived last week,” Brent said, leading her toward the new vehicles.
Lindsay stopped him. “I’m thinking of a used vehicle, if you have anything in stock.”
“Used minivans?”
She cringed. Go ahead, Nathan, you can say “I told you so” now. She nodded.
“Well, we don’t see many. When folks buy a van, they rarely trade them in on a regular basis. Not much point really. I mean, with kids making a mess in the back seat or dogs tearing up the upholstery...”
He stopped when he registered the look on her face.
“But we do have a few over here,” he added, taking her to the far end of the lot where a Previously Enjoyed Inventory trailer was set up. “I’m the new-car sales manager, so let me grab Doug for you.” Brent climbed the stairs to the trailer and opened the door.
While she waited, Lindsay scanned her options. A dark blue Chevrolet Uplander or a red Nissan Quest. Both looked well used. Never in a million years would she have expected to be standing in the used-vehicle section of a dealership trying to decide between ugly and uglier.
She peered through the window of the Nissan. The driver’s side leather seat was slightly torn and the carpet in the back looked stained and worn—the dog Brent must have been referring to.
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