by Martina Cole
‘You silly little mare, is that what you had your mother nearly in bits over, eh? A bleeding baby! You women and your hormones. I told her it was something and nothing, didn’t I, Lena?’
Lena gave Joseph such a look it would have floored a lesser man, and he finally took the hint and shut up. Opening his paper, he studied the racing form and not for the first time wondered at the antics of females. Maggie was having a baby, but anyone would think she had terminal cancer by the look on her boat race.
He sighed and concentrated on his horses. They at least were consistent. They ran, they lost and they didn’t answer back.
Lena handed her daughter a cup of tea, and sat down next to her.
‘You look like the girl who lost a fiver and found a penny. Please, my love, tell me what is so bad about having a baby. I thought it was what you wanted.’
‘It is, Mum. I think I am just whacked out what with the new salon and everything.’
As Maggie had predicted, Rox had started to spread the news. It was now three in the afternoon and her mother and father had already been informed. Now she had to face Jimmy and Jackie and him. Oh, he would be round their house so fast, she knew he would. And so she had to pull herself together and make him believe it was Jimmy’s, even though she was certain it must be Freddie’s.
It felt like Freddie’s baby, it felt evil and wrong to her. It felt like an interloper. It had been planted inside her with hate, and that was all she felt for it.
She wished it dead with all her being, but she couldn’t say that. She was going to have to tell Jimmy she was over the moon about it, and watch him celebrate his fatherhood.
And she would do it, because if Freddie guessed the truth then her life really would be over.
Jimmy was holding his wife in his arms and telling her how much he loved her. All her moods and her funny behaviour should now be forgotten, because it could all be put down to her condition.
She was having their baby, and even though he was worried about why she had kept it to herself for so long, he was thrilled.
All the family was coming round later, and he had bought champagne to toast the happy event. The girls were there already making sandwiches, and his wife was sitting on their bed and not saying a word.
After the night he had experienced, and his visit with Ozzy, this news had been a godsend. He had needed this, had needed something good to happen. Yet she had told him over the phone, just blurted it out. He had been speechless with wonderment and happiness, but now he felt once more that there was something radically wrong with her. She was like a robot, smiling and chatting, except the smile did not reach her eyes and her chat was forced. This all felt off kilter. It was like he was part of a play or it was a game. He loved this woman with all his being, but he didn’t know her any more. They were both pretending that nothing was wrong, and he hoped against hope that it was just her hormones, as Lena had told him earlier.
She knew he had been worried about Maggie, because he had gone to talk to her a while back, had asked her if she had said anything, if he had done something maybe that he hadn’t realised, and upset her.
But Lena had assured him then that it was just a blip, that all marriages had them, that the romance couldn’t last and Maggie was probably tired from the work in the salons. Jimmy had grabbed that excuse with both hands, believing she was right because he’d needed to believe it. But now, here she was, sitting on the bed he had not wanted but she had insisted on getting, carrying their child, the thing that they had wanted more than anything else in the world, and she looked like death warmed up.
He was frightened. Kneeling down, he took her hands in his, and he said gently, ‘Are you all right, Mags? Are you happy we’re having a baby?’ She looked into his eyes. He was so good looking, and he had been all she had wanted. He needed her to tell him what he wanted to hear, and she knew that she had to be convincing.
Abortion was not an option because of her Catholic upbringing, but a plan formed in her mind as she forced a warm smile and said, ‘’Course I am, mate, but I have got morning, noon and night sickness. I just feel so bloody rough.’
He kissed her gently on the lips and for the first time in ages she didn’t pull away.
‘I love you, Maggie, you are everything to me. You know that, don’t you?’
She felt her eyes fill with tears, and she nodded her head and said sadly, ‘I know, mate, I know.’
Jackie was delighted. Now that Maggie was in the club she could relax a bit. She knew from bitter experience that Freddie didn’t enjoy pregnant women, in fact she had been ignored to the point of fighting when she had been carrying Little Freddie.
She wanted this so much because now she could be friends again with Maggie, proper friends, like before. All her little sister’s power was gone. She was now a pregnant woman and Jackie could again play the older sister, giving her advice, helping her understand what was happening, and being the know-all. This was what she craved, what she needed. This was something she had already done, and Maggie, for all her cleverness and her salons, had never experienced.
The girls were already at Maggie’s. Jackie was in the car with her two Freddies and she wasn’t even bothered by the fact that her husband was ignoring her. In fact, he looked annoyed, but then again Little Freddie had thrown his gold lighter out of the car window earlier.
Maggie, her lovely little Maggie, was out of bounds, and that was all that mattered.
‘Light me a fag, Jack, and clump that fucker before he falls out the window, will you?’
She turned in her seat and punched Little Freddie in the arm. Any other child would have screamed in pain. It was a serious and heavy punch that had all her strength behind it since any other kind of punch would have been useless.
Little Freddie grabbed her hair and tried to drag her into the back seat, all the time effing and blinding at her.
Freddie watched his wife and son and wondered at a life where everything was shit. Complete and utter shit. He let go of the steering wheel with one hand and he hit his son with such force the child was knocked back against the leather upholstery and badly winded. Once more, the boy did not cry out or express anything that could indicate he had been hurt.
He had let go of his mother’s hair, though, and Jackie sat back up in her seat and tried to tidy herself up. She had really made an effort tonight and she was pleased with how she looked.
‘Light the fucking fag, Jack, and you, little boy, had better watch yourself because I ain’t in the fucking mood for all this, right?’ He looked at his son in the mirror on the dash. Little Freddie nodded, but his eyes were slits and his face was dark with anger.
Freddie was annoyed, and he was tired, but as they pulled up on the drive of Jimmy and Maggie’s lovely detached residence and went inside, his mood lifted without the aid of narcotics.
Maddie was there as always, and she was thrilled for the young couple. As she said to Lena, it was a new life and a new era.
Lena hugged her. She actually liked Maddie these days. She was a long way from the woman she had been when her husband was alive.
Jimmy’s mum and dad were there for once, and quiet as always. Deirdre was taking everything in but not saying a word unless asked a question directly. Lena had gone right off them a long time ago, but like everything else in life, you had to smile and be nice because they were always going to be around.
Lena noticed that Maggie was looking better. She seemed happier than she had for ages, her make-up was perfect and she had dressed in a lovely white dress. It was fitted, and in it her little bump was evident and this alone cheered her. Jimmy and Maggie would produce a beautiful child, she was sure of that. Unlike Freddie and Jackie, who had gorgeous children but didn’t appreciate them, she knew that these two would make wonderful parents.
Especially her Maggie, because even though Jimmy was a Face, and a ducker and diver, he had more than provided for his family. Even if he had a capture her daughter would be all right financially.
Unlike that ponce, who had just walked in like he owned the place, and who had left her oldest child without a pot to piss in and a belly full of arms and legs.
Freddie had bought a magnum of champagne. He walked straight up to Maggie and, giving it to her, he said loudly, ‘Congratulations. We were all beginning to think he was firing blanks!’
Maggie smiled her brightest smile and said gaily, ‘Well, you were wrong, Freddie. My Jimmy is all man.’
Jimmy was beside her by then, and as he slipped his arm around his tiny wife’s waist Freddie said in a jocular voice, ‘Sure you didn’t have any help with it, Jim?’
But he was looking at Maggie as he spoke and she couldn’t meet his eyes. Instead she hugged her husband and buried her face in his sweet-smelling shirt.
‘Fucking cheek, like I would need any help in that department.’
Anyone who knew them would not guess that they were both pretending that everything was all right. Jimmy wanted to throw Freddie from his home, but he couldn’t.
‘I thought she might have changed her man for the night, that’s what the old biddies used to say, ain’t it, Mum?’
Maddie nodded, happy he had noticed her and brought her into the conversation.
Freddie raised his voice as he continued, ‘Remember the other old saying, Jimmy, it’s a wise child that knows its mother, and a very wise child that knows its father!’
Everyone laughed. As Jackie watched the little tableau, she felt the jealousy rise inside her. He had never ever made a fuss like that of her, and she had been through it five times if she included the baby she had lost.
Maggie went over to her, and hugged her. ‘All right, Jack?’
Jackie tried to ignore her anger, and hugged her little sister with all the warmth she could muster. ‘I am so pleased for you, Mags. Kids are the best thing that can happen to you.’
As she said that, Little Freddie kicked Lena in the shins and the slap she gave him was loud in the room, and knocked him off his feet. He was battered on a regular basis and consequently he was as hard as nails.
‘You little fucker! You try that again and I’ll skin you alive.’
Little Freddie was laughing his head off at his grandmother and as Maggie looked around her at the smiling faces she felt she was going to go mad.
She was sitting on the toilet seat and gathering herself together when Freddie finally managed to catch her on her own. The lock on the bathroom door could be opened from the outside if necessary. He had watched her covertly, and waited patiently all night to get her alone. He walked in and saw the fear come into her eyes at his presence.
‘Calm down. I didn’t know you were in here, did I?’
Maggie stood up quickly, and he looked down at her and marvelled at how little she was. He was a big man, and she was tiny even to most people of average height. This was one of the things that attracted him to her.
He remembered the feel of her, remembered how tiny her waist was, how full her breasts and how small her hands were in his. She was lovely, and he had never enjoyed a woman so much in his life.
As he looked her over she felt a rage inside her that made her almost happy. She had felt nothing for so long that any feeling was welcome.
‘Get out, Freddie, or I am going to scream the place down.’
He smiled at her, holding his arm out as if inviting her to leave. ‘Feel free, scream away.’
She pushed past him then, and he grabbed her arm, hurting her. But he made sure he didn’t mark her, and she knew then that he was frightened of Jimmy.
After the debacle at Lenny’s, Jimmy was on the edge. He had smoothed it all over with Oz, but Freddie knew that there had been a lot said this day that he would never know about. Jimmy had to have been given the hard word, he was sure of that much. He wasn’t silly, he knew Ozzy was genned up on everyone he had on his payroll. So he was dicing with death doing this, because if Jimmy caught them there would be murders.
But this was too good a chance to miss. ‘You sure you ain’t got anything to tell me?’
He was giving her that smile which made the object of his mirth feel like they were nothing, a nobody.
‘I’m sure. What on earth would I have to tell a piece of shit like you, Freddie?’ She sounded strong and she was grateful that at least the anger was working for her, it was making her want to fight him.
‘Funny you are pregnant now though, don’t you think? Jackie told me about when you came off the pill.’
She didn’t answer him, just raised her eyebrows as if he was a complete idiot.
‘I mean, you have to see it from my point of view, don’t ya? This could be another little Freddie, couldn’t it?’
He was goading her, but she swallowed her fear as she shrugged his hand off her arm. ‘You really think you are something special, don’t you? Well, I am well over three months, mate, so stop congratulating yourself. Now get out of my way or this time I will cause fucking ructions. I know all about Lenny, Jimmy tells me everything. Unlike you and my sister, we have a good marriage. You or fifty like you couldn’t ruin it for us, Freddie. You are nothing but a thug, and you can’t hurt me any more.’
She was staring into his eyes and she looked triumphant when she saw the shock on his face at her words. ‘You are nothing to me, and this baby is a little Jimmy. It will be decent, and it will be educated, and it will be as far from the animal called Little Freddie that you two dragged into the world as is humanly possible. Now get out of my way.’
He stepped aside this time and she opened the door. Her head was splitting, but she walked away from him with her head held high and her back straight and she made her way down the stairs and back to the party with a smile on her face and a cheery word for whoever spoke to her.
It was what she had dreaded more than anything, and it had happened, and she was still there. Her world had not collapsed and the fear was lessening now she had faced him. This was how she was going to play it, and having started this deceit she had to see it through to the bitter end.
Freddie had already destroyed so much that she held dear, but he would not find out that he must have fathered the child her husband believed was his. And it would never occur to Jimmy that it wasn’t his. He trusted her, and he had once had every reason to trust her.
This child had been forced on her, and she was going to have to pretend that she wanted it, loved it and cared for it. She had to front this out and she was determined to do just that.
If Freddie even had an inkling that she thought it was his he would never let her forget it, and Jimmy would be completely destroyed if the truth came out. And she now realised that was what all this was really about. Jimmy had climbed up the tree of success while Freddie was still on the lowest branches.
He was a vindictive and dangerous adversary, but she had to protect herself, her husband and her sanity.
She prayed that night and every night that the child inside her would die.
She was delivered of a son on the first of November 1996.
He was named James Jackson Junior, and his mother cried for three days after the birth.
Book Three
Even if we take matrimony at its lowest, even if we regard it
as no more than a sort of friendship recognised by the police.
- Robert Louis Stevenson, 1850-1894 Virginibus Puerisque
The fathers have eaten sour grapes,
and the children’s teeth are set on edge.
- Ezekiel, 18:2 The Bible
Chapter Eighteen
2000
‘You ain’t leaving him here again, surely?’
Maggie snapped at her mother, in a high angry voice, ‘Well, if you don’t want to have him, Mum, just say.’
Little James Junior was watching the scene before him with his usual nervous demeanour.
He spent half his life at his nana’s and he liked it there. At three years old he had already sussed out that his mother was not like other mothers. She rarely hugged him, or touched hi
m unless it was absolutely necessary. Yet she took very good care of him. He was clean and fed but he was looked after most of the time by his nana and this suited him right down to the ground.
His father was a different kettle of fish altogether. He loved his dada and his dada loved him. He hugged, kissed and played with him until his mum bathed him and put him into his bed. It was his dad who read to him, took him with him in his car and who made him feel safe.
His mother, on the other hand, made him feel worried. He had a nervous tic and he blinked his eyes constantly when he was with her for any length of time on his own. He knew he wasn’t quick enough for her, that he irritated her, and yet he also knew that she didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, that she felt bad about it. Then she would give him a hug, but it was more as an apology than an expression of love.
Nothing he did was right in her eyes, and he didn’t know how to make her like him.
Now his nana was doing her crust, as his granddad called her tempers, and he knew that he would be staying there no matter what. At least he hoped so anyway. His granddad made him laugh and told him stories. His nana made him lovely food and cuddled him as much as she could. It was as if she was trying to make up for his mother’s complete lack of affection.
But he didn’t mind. If he could live at his nana’s and see his daddy every day then life would be perfect.
‘Give us another kiss, you!’
Rox was going out with a local boy called Dicky Harmon. He was a good-looking lad, and he was also an up-and-coming young scoundrel. He was working for Jimmy and he was loving it. Freddie frightened him, but he was sensible enough not to let him know that. Freddie would put the kibosh on their relationship if he could, but Rox had put him in his place a long time ago. He knew, though, that Freddie could not bear the thought of his daughters with boys, no matter who they were, so he did not take his animosity too personally. He was sensible like that, he knew that Freddie looked after his girls in all the wrong ways but he could not bear for them to be treated as Freddie treated all the females in his own life. Freddie would take it personally if one of his daughters was fucked and left. It wasn’t about them, though, it was about him and how he was perceived.