by Martina Cole
It was respect, it was friendship, and it was all he knew to do that would be useful at this terrible time. If Jimmy needed someone, he would be there, on hand. That was what he wanted to do.
He could feel his pain and he wished he could take it from him even if only for a while.
He had popped out to his car and made a few calls, alerting everyone to the tragedy that had befallen Jimmy and his family, and then after a quick toot on his pipe he had come straight back inside.
He loved Jimmy, but he had never realised just how much until this had happened. It was like some kind of revelation he had experienced. He knew now that he loved Jimmy Jackson more than his own kin, more than his own family. Jimmy had been more to him, after all was said and done, than anyone else in his world.
He loved the man, and why shouldn’t he? Jimmy had always been there for him. In fact they had always been there for each other.
And Glenford could not leave him. He didn’t know why, but he could not leave him alone this night. That would have been far too cold, almost unreasonable, and if Jimmy went off at any point, then he would be sitting nearby, waiting to stop him going overboard. He knew that at some point Jimmy was going to lose his mind, and when that happened, he would be there for him.
It was dark when Freddie finally walked into the hospital, and Glenford, who had never been his biggest fan, was shocked at the look of him. He was bedraggled, he was grey-faced and he was obviously in great pain, not so much physical as emotional.
He had been crying, that much was evident. In fact he looked devastated, and that was something Glenford had not been expecting.
So he found himself standing up and saying gently, ‘You all right, man?’
Freddie sat down beside him, and putting his head in his hands he said, ‘No, no, I’m not, Glenford. How is he?’
Glenford rubbed a hand over his face. ‘How would you be if it was you? The man is completely and utterly disrupted. His life is finished. I never seen him look so bad before. He is on the edge.’
Freddie knew he was speaking the truth, knew he was telling him the score.
‘Has he said anything?’
‘About the boy? Nothing, really. I think he’s in shock . . .’ He sighed. ‘I feel like he’s keeping something back. It’s weird but he’s all off kilter. You know what I mean?’
‘I know exactly what you mean, Glenford.’
It was a strange answer. Something was seriously wrong and Glenford Prentiss could not shake off the feeling that both Freddie and Jimmy had another completely separate agenda.
‘How’s Maggie?’
Glenford smiled sadly. ‘She been sedated, she be out for the night, and me envy her, Fred, because that child dying has been like a bomb going off among them all. And you know something? I wouldn’t be any of they, for all the money in the world. Maggie’s mum and dad can’t believe him would do something like that, you know. The police were called in of course, but I think they see a tragic accident. What else could it be?’
Glenford sighed heavily once more. ‘Why would a little child want to do that to himself ? Him just playing, kids so fucking dangerous, you know. It make no sense what they doing, they just kids.’ He could hear the upset in his own voice and coughed harshly. ‘The bag was stuck to his little face. What a fucking thing to have to live with, that sight, what a fucking sad and terrible situation for any parents.’
‘What did the filth do?’ Freddie made his voice as neutral as he could.
Glenford shrugged. ‘Who know what they thinking, fucking scum they are? But they look at everyone and you could see they sorry as anyone else. It was an accident, a tragic accident.’
Freddie didn’t answer him. He didn’t know what to say.
Instead he walked into the room where Jimmy sat beside his silent, shattered wife, and quietly shut the door behind him.
Jackie was drunk, drunker than she had been in years. But she didn’t want to be sober, and as she watched her daughters drinking with her, drowning out the awful knowledge of that child and the way he died, she knew that they finally understood her attitude on life.
Paul and Liselle were serving up the drinks. It was very rare that this lot drank in their pub, but tonight, they knew, was not the usual. Freddie had rarely allowed Jackie inside what he saw as his bastion of maleness, and when he had, it was always a quick visit. But tonight, they were in for the long haul, they were not going anywhere.
Poor Jimmy and Mags, what a thing to happen to them. Liselle and Paul were both devastated at the news, and that was why they were serving this lot up free gratis.
Liselle remembered all the times Jimmy had brought the boy in for a few minutes. He had been showing him off really, and Liselle understood that. He had been such a proud father, and he had taken that boy out with him as often as he could.
He doted on him, and everyone knew about poor Maggie. She had been rough after his birth and it had taken her a long time to get back on her feet. Jimmy had taken on the burden of the child without a second’s thought. They had finally got back to normal, were a happy little family and then this had to come on top. What a fucking thing to happen to anyone. She was so sorry for them, they were a lovely couple.
The thought of that poor child being dead was more than anybody could bear. The whole place was in silent mourning, except when Jackie Jackson’s big trap was flapping of course.
Liselle and Jackie had never got on. Liselle loathed her, whereas she loved Mags. And Jackie had been convinced for years that Liselle had something going with Freddie. Poor Jackie thought that about most women at some time or another, but this knowledge did not stop Jackie getting on Liselle’s tits.
Paul thought it was hilarious. Well, good for him, but she was just about on the verge of giving Jackie Jackson a slap. That child was on his way to the grave and she was using him as an excuse to cause aggravation.
For once she was not putting up with it.
The girls, though, were lovely. They were doing their best to keep their mother on an even keel, but one more remark and she was going to start the Third World War.
This place was a private drinking hole, a members’ only pub if you like. It was used by specific people and that was its main attraction. Liselle felt now, looking at Jackie and hearing her bloody miserable voice, that Freddie for all his faults needed a bolt hole from this fucking drunken pig who was still trying to cause a row with her after twenty years. Like she would touch Freddie Jackson with a barge pole!
Jackie and her company were not paying for their drinks and she was all right with that, why wouldn’t she be? But Jackie was acting like this was her due, like this was her manor and this was her local. Well, Liselle was drinking as well, an unusual occurrence for her, and she was up for a fight herself tonight. She needed to get a few things out of her system, off her chest.
Watching his Liselle eyeing Jackie, Paul could feel the tension rising in the room. Then Patricia O’Malley walked in and he sighed and relaxed.
If there was going to be a tear up, he hoped it would be with Pat and Jackie, and not his old woman, because Jackie was going to have a fight. It was not about when or even if, it was more a case of with whom.
Roxanna watched as Pat came in the pub, and she hoped her mother was going to keep a lid on it. She knew about her dad and Pat, everyone did. And Pat, in fairness, was a nice woman who had always been friendly towards her and her sisters.
And Rox understood her father’s attraction for this woman, as she understood his attraction for her. Pat was so in your face, so strong-minded, and so independent she knew that she must do her dad’s head in.
Rox was shrewd enough to know that it was also what made him want her. Pat was like a man in some respects, she used men like most men used women.
Good luck to her and all, she had the right idea.
Rox admired Pat and her way of life. Even though she knew her mother would muller her for thinking it, when she saw Pat, which she did a lot because of Dicky
and the fact they drank here weekends, she thought she looked great. And when she talked to her, which she had been really wary about doing at first, she had found Pat was so with it, so on the ball and so funny that she had forgotten about her mother’s very genuine grievance. And she also knew that Pat gave her father something her mother never would or even could. And that something was plain and simple. She gave him normality.
She was the only woman who could treat him like he treated every woman he had ever come across and get away with it. Consequently, he respected her. She took no shit from anyone and she looked fantastic for her age.
Roxanna actually looked up to her.
Now she was interested to see how her mother coped with being in the same room with her biggest rival. But then, her mother was gone as always, she was completely out of her brains and as Rox watched her she understood for the first time both why her father stayed around, and more to the point, why he played away from home.
Sipping her tonic water, she watched the different little plays that were being acted out in front of her. Jackie had all but forgotten about poor little Jimmy. She was just drinking now because it was there, and she had taken some coke, because it was there. Her mother was nutting it now, she was rocking. She had seen her like this so many times as a kid, and now she didn’t even get annoyed any more.
Her own child would have so much more than that from its mother, she was sure. She was going to be there for it, like Mags and Jimmy had been there for their little man. She rubbed her belly, and imagined giving birth to a child and then losing it. As her granny had said in the hospital, it was the wrong order. You should never have to bury a child. They should be the ones to bury you.
Pat had said her hellos. She had hoped to see Freddie but he wasn’t here and his wife was, as always on their occasional meetings, giving her the long look.
Like she gave a flying fuck.
But she liked the girls. They were good kids, despite being spawned by the dirty bitch with the grubby feet and the bloated body. She knew her place, though, so she said, in as friendly a manner as she could, ‘All right, Jackie. What a terrible thing to happen. My heart goes out to them.’ Pat really meant it. ‘Poor Mags, she must be in bits.’
Jackie watched her rival, saw her girls as they smiled and said hello to her and noticed how Paul and Liselle were all over her. Then she remembered this was Ozzy’s sister, and in fairness, Pat was always nice to her, never rubbed her nose in it like some of his whores had tried over the years. She quite wanted to start a fight anyway, though she knew any trouble with Pat and she would be the one aimed out the door. She was enjoying being with her girls for once and Rox had just brought her another large vodka, so she said sadly, ‘She is heartbroken, Pat, as you can imagine.’
Jackie was going to play this one nicely. After all, what would she gain this night from having a tear up? Freddie wasn’t here and in her heart she actually liked old Pat.
Pat and the entire bar staff gave a collective sigh of relief.
‘Do they know how it happened?’
Rox shrugged. ‘It’s kids, ain’t it, but why he put that fucking plastic bag over his head we’ll never know.’
Jackie agreed. ‘They think everything’s a game, don’t they? They never understand at that age the dangers of life. But what a terrible thing to happen to any family.’
They were all nodding their heads sagely, and the girls caught each other’s eyes, thankful Jackie was not on one of her mad benders. Yet.
‘All right, Jim?’ Freddie knew that nothing would ever be all right again, but it was just an expression. Something to say, an opening for conversation.
Jimmy nodded. He had aged in the last few hours and Freddie would lay money that his hair was greyer than it had been this morning. Being so dark they had both gone grey early, and their hair was so thick it looked good on them. They could carry it off, it made them look more manly, somehow.
Right now they looked more alike than ever, but that was mainly because they both looked deeply sad, both looked devastated. They had a secret, and this was the moment that they had to decide what they were going to do about it.
‘I am so sorry, Jimmy. I swear that to you, mate.’
Jimmy didn’t answer him.
‘Please, Jimmy, say something. Please say something.’ Freddie was begging, a first for him as Jimmy knew better than anyone.
Jimmy sighed and turned to face him, and when he finally spoke his voice was flat. ‘I can’t tell you what you want to hear, Fred. I am sorry, but I can’t. You told me about him a long time ago, and I was sorry for you, really sorry. But this ain’t a fucking rabbit or a neighbour’s dog, bad as that was. This was my baby and I can’t let this go. I am sorry, mate, but I can’t.’
‘I am sorting it, Jim, I swear.’
It was the word ‘sorting’ that did it. They were always sorting things. It was their job, what they did for a living. But you couldn’t sort out the death of a child, a death that had been caused by another child.
Except Little Freddie wasn’t a child, he never had been. He was an animal, a mad bastard. Until now Jimmy had not really cared about that, but then why should he? He was Freddie’s son. Why would Jimmy have ever thought he could encroach on his own life and family like this?
That boy had been an accident waiting to happen, and now it was too late.
‘What you going to do then, Freddie?’
Freddie was quiet. He was so quiet, it was as if he were a different person, as if all his life had been leading up to this moment. And who knew, thought Jimmy, maybe it had been.
‘He’ll be gone soon, I promise you. He’ll be gone.’
Jimmy laughed half-heartedly. ‘Gone, Freddie? In what way? Dead gone? What?’
Freddie was silent once more. He was trying to gather his thoughts but it was hard, so hard. He wished he had not snorted so much gear. It was point nine, the best you could get and he had been hoovering it up like it was going out of fashion.
‘He can’t help it, Jimmy. I told you that before, he can’t help it.’
Jimmy dropped his wife’s hand and it fell on to the bed with a soft thud. Then he grabbed Freddie by the scruff of his neck and pulled him towards him roughly so they were eye to eye, and he said through gritted teeth, ‘You brought up an animal. Someone was going to pay for his madness in the end, and you knew that. I have sat here and remembered you learning him to swear, and learning him to fight, and it hit me what you did to him. That boy never had a chance, Freddie, you and Jackie made sure of that. You thought it was funny when he attacked his sisters, when he didn’t sleep at night and watched those violent films all the time. You created him, and then suddenly he was a big kid and he wasn’t so fucking funny any more, was he? He was in trouble with the school, with the courts, and you still didn’t get him any help. You left him to it, and now he has killed my baby and you know he has.’
He threw Freddie away from him then, as if frightened to keep up any kind of contact with him. As if he was tainted.
‘We don’t know that for sure . . .’
Freddie was desperate to try to make some sense of it, find some other explanation.
Jimmy shook his head at Freddie’s denial. ‘Jimmy Junior would never have dreamed of putting that bag on his head. Why would he? And it was tied there to keep it in place. The police will be back, Freddie, you know that because it was tied under his little chin. Joe told me that, because he was the one who ripped it off in the end to save Lena seeing it. The bag was stuck to his little face. That took time, Freddie. It was a fucking premeditated act. My little Jimmy couldn’t tie his shoelaces, so how would he have managed to tie that bag up under his own little chin, eh? The cunt, why did he do it, Freddie? Why?’
He was nearly crying again. He was so angry and so sad and he was trying so hard to keep a lid on his emotions.
Freddie shook his head. ‘I don’t know, Jimmy, I really don’t know.’
‘You have a lot to answer for, you hav
e so much to answer for, Freddie. Stephanie. Lenny. I gave you a pass every time, and now this is the upshot, ain’t it? You and him are like two peas in a pod, you have no care for anyone or anything. It’s only my Maggie lying here that is stopping me from screaming the truth from the roof tops, because she would never be able to cope with knowing what had really happened. I don’t know if I can, either. All I do know at this moment in time is that Maggie must never know what happened, that her little boy had been forced to put that bag over his head. It would kill her. I can’t handle it, Freddie. I keep picturing it in my mind. My little Jimmy would have trusted him, would have wanted to please him, he was scared of him. But I am warning you now. If I even catch a glimpse of your boy, he will know what fucking scared really is, because I will not be responsible for my actions.’
Freddie was crying silently and Jimmy could see him wiping away his tears, but he felt nothing for him or his suffering.
‘I’ve sorted it, Jimmy, I swear to you that I’ve sorted it.’
Jimmy wanted to laugh again, but he didn’t have one laugh in him, and he doubted that he ever would again. This wasn’t something that could ever be sorted.
‘Just go, Freddie, will you? I don’t want to be around you any more.’
Freddie didn’t argue with him, he stood up and walked quietly from the room. Jimmy didn’t even bother to watch him go.
This was the end of his life, and his wife’s life. Oh, they would carry on as normal eventually, they had to. It was what happened after something like this, but that would be it. They would be going through the motions, that was all. No more and no less.
Dianna was scared. She was still seeing her Danger Man and he was still mucking her about. She had slipped away to meet him and he had not arrived.
Now, here she was waiting by the side of the road in the dark and she felt certain that he was not going to turn up. He had done this to her before, and she should be in the pub with her family now, where she belonged. They had experienced a terrible tragedy and she should be with them, not out here waiting for a man who treated her like dirt. Terry Baker was like a drug. She needed him, wanted him and without him she felt as if she was nothing.