by Martina Cole
He didn’t finish what he was saying, because he could see from the utter terror in her big blue eyes that she would not repeat a thing to anyone. He only hoped she never forgot the fear she was feeling now, because she was in a very dangerous position. It was only the bit of blood she shared with his wife that had allowed her to pass go and collect two hundred.
Jimmy had not asked him to do anything, he didn’t need to, Paul was a clearer-upper of unavoidable messes. That was what he was paid extremely well for and in the normal scheme of things he would have got someone to take care of this girl to guarantee her silence.
Liselle, bless her, was very tolerant of his work, but he knew she would draw the line at her niece going on the missing list.
Still, the girl had learned a valuable lesson. He hoped so, anyway. Liselle would talk her round over the next few weeks and reiterate the danger she would place herself in with a careless remark or a drunken statement.
It was late and he was tired. It had been a long old day.
Lena and Jackie were sitting together in Jackie’s house, and for once Jackie was almost rational. The girls were in the kitchen making tea and sandwiches, and they were trying to digest the events of the last couple of days. They all knew that they had to keep any thoughts they might have to themselves. It was better for everyone that way.
It was nearly morning now. The light was creeping across the sky, and Jackie was pissed, but she was happy pissed. Lena said to her quietly, ‘Tell me the truth, did you speak to Jimmy about you know what?’
Jackie looked at the woman she loved, and whom she had always felt treated her as second best and she said, scornfully, ‘You know what?’
Lena closed her eyes in distress. ‘Listen to me, and listen good, Jackie. You and the girls have to forget about what was said, do you hear me?’
Jackie sighed heavily and slumped down in the chair, her ample breasts suddenly lying on her belly.
Lena saw that she looked older than her years, that in itself was nothing new. But she also seemed a lot more relaxed somehow.
‘Don’t worry, Mum. I won’t cause any trouble, I promise you.’
Lena was surprised at her daughter’s answer and this showed on her face.
‘I know he did it, Mum, I know what he was better than anyone, but it didn’t matter to me. I loved him, see.’
Lena grabbed her daughter’s hand and squeezed it tightly. ‘I know you did, love.’ She didn’t add, God knows why, but the thought was in her head just the same.
‘Now he is dead, I feel all light, as if a weight has gone off me. Does that make sense, Mum? I ain’t glad he’s dead, but I ain’t sorry about it either.’
Lena understood what she was saying far better than her daughter realised.
‘The newscaster on the telly said it was a gangland murder. He looked awful, Mum. Whoever did it done a fucking good job, I can tell you.’
Lena sighed again at the things this daughter said, but kept hold of her hand.
‘I will miss him, but I feel really strange, Mum. I feel almost happy, and that is wrong, but I can’t help it. I feel like I can finally relax. I realised today that I never ever relaxed, Mum, not properly, and now I just am relaxed. Does that make sense?’
Lena nodded and hugged her daughter. ‘It’s because you were so besotted with him. The love you had for him was almost like a mania, and you know something, Jackie? I would watch you sometimes, and my heart would break for you, because I knew you were hurting, and you were hurting because of your love. Love is supposed to make you happy, child, and your love for Freddie never did that. Now he’s gone, of course you can finally relax, because for the first time since he came out of nick, you will know exactly where he is twenty-four hours of the day.’
She hugged her daughter gently to her again. ‘I won’t be a hypocrite. I never liked him, you know that, but I am heart sorry for you, for losing him, and I will always be there for you, and so will your dad. We might fight and argue, but we are family at bottom, eh?’
Jackie smiled sadly. ‘I wonder if they’ve let Jimmy out yet.’
‘We’ll know as soon as anything happens, don’t worry.’
Little Freddie watched his mother and his nana and wondered at the way everyone in this house seemed to thrive on emotional outbursts. His father’s murder had not affected him at all, but he would still milk it for all it was worth. He would also keep a low profile where his granddad was concerned. He felt as if he could look right through him, and this made Little Freddie both wary and nervous, two emotions he had never experienced before.
But he knew that his granddad had sussed him out, and he was sensible enough to play this new development very carefully. Caution was his new watchword.
The girls came in and made a fuss as they fed him bacon sandwiches and drinks of Diet Coke. He looked suitably upset, and managed to watch his favourite videos in relative peace and quiet.
Jimmy got out of the shower and walked through to the huge bedroom. This room had once filled him with pleasure, and the house had been the culmination of everything he had ever wanted from his life. Now it was just a house, like any other.
Homes were not just bricks and mortar, they were about the people who lived inside them.
Maggie was sitting on the giant bed. She looked very small and very vulnerable, and he loved the very bones of her, more now than at any other time in their life.
She passed him a glass of brandy and he sipped it before saying happily, ‘Am I glad to get the smell of that police station off me. It stank in there.’
She didn’t answer him, and he sat beside her on the bed, and grabbing her leg in a jovial way, he said loudly, ‘Are we not talking, then?’
Maggie knelt up and pushing her hands through her hair she said quietly, ‘Stop this, Jimmy, we have to talk about what’s happened. I know you killed Freddie, I knew it was you as soon as I heard about it. Now you are acting like it’s a normal day, and it ain’t, you can’t go through the rest of your life pretending that nothing happened. You think that if you pretend it didn’t happen you won’t have to deal with it, or the consequences. But I can’t do that. I need to get this all out in the open once and for all.’
Jimmy got up and walked to the window. It was going to be a nice day, it was the best time, he always thought, the early morning.
‘He raped me, Jimmy, and you have to look at me and tell me you don’t hold it against me because I didn’t tell you about it.’
He didn’t turn towards her and she felt the sickness inside her once more. But she couldn’t do this any more. She would rather he went and left her than pretend they were OK. Secrets had nearly destroyed her and her family, and she was not going to live like that any longer.
‘Who told you about it, Jimmy? Jackie?’
He did turn then. ‘Jackie knew about it and I fucking didn’t?’
He was angry now and she was shaking her head in denial. ‘She found out by accident the other day. Kimberley told her, she had overheard him taunting me at little Jimmy Junior’s funeral. Kim let the cat out of the bag in anger, she never meant to cause any trouble. Did Jackie tell you, Jimmy? I have to know.’
He shook his head and the droplets of water were cold as they hit her bare arms. He was everything she had ever wanted, and now he was all she had left.
‘He was taunting you at the boy’s funeral?’
She nodded brokenly. ‘I was terrified of what you would do if you knew, and of Jackie’s reaction. You know how jealous she was of him, Jimmy, she would have lost her mind and caused trouble for us all. I was only trying to keep the peace. I was doing what I thought was best for everyone involved . . .’
He retied the towel he was wearing around his waist and then he walked out of the room without a word.
She heard him as he padded down the stairs. She lay down on the bed, the bed she had shared with him for so long, and she was so upset, she couldn’t even cry.
In the kitchen, Jimmy opened the fridge and
got himself a beer. He was angry again. The thought of Freddie touching his Mags was hard enough, but to know he had taunted her with it was too much to bear. All those years they had been together, all the time he had spent with Freddie, helped him out, drunk with him, had him in his home, and he was laughing at him, he was laughing up his sleeve at him because that silly bitch upstairs had tried to keep the peace!
Her and her getting it all out in the open . . . if only she knew what had happened to her little boy. She wouldn’t be able to live with that, so he was not going to force the knowledge on her, unlike her, who wasn’t happy unless she was dragging the guts out of everything, analysing every fucking sentence that was said to her.
He didn’t want to talk to her about it. Why couldn’t she understand that, for him, it was too much information? He was better off not talking it over, not fucking knowing all the ins and outs of the cat’s arse.
Once things were said out loud they were out there for ever, and some things were best left unsaid. It didn’t mean that he didn’t care, or that he didn’t understand. It just meant he could cope with things better if he was allowed to digest it all in his own time, and at his own pace.
He couldn’t look at her now, not in the same way. She had spoiled herself for him, and she should have known that. She was his wife, and she should have known him well enough to leave well alone. He had felt sorry for her, he had felt so very sorry for her, but now he felt nothing but anger and spite towards her.
He knew as soon as Freddie told him about his so-called tryst that he had to have forced himself on Maggie, there would not have been any other way for him to take her. But it had been the way he had insinuated that Jimmy Junior was his child that had caused his death, because he had believed him. It didn’t matter, he had loved that boy and that would never change, but Maggie going through all that for years, living with him and his innuendos and his fucking laughing face, that was, at this moment, too much for Jimmy to bear.
He raced up the stairs and Maggie jumped in fright as he stormed into the bedroom. Grabbing her roughly by her arms, he shouted into her face, ‘Thanks to you, that ponce was laughing at me for years. I was the butt of his jokes and I was not in any way aware of it. I had no fucking idea that he was taking the piss out of me, you stupid fucking mare.’
He threw her away from him and she lay there terrified as he dragged on his clothes. Then he looked at her and said, ‘You weren’t doing it for me, you were doing it for that scab you call a sister. I fucking done him, you believe me when I tell you I done him up like a fucking kipper, and I was all right about what had happened. I knew he would have to have forced you, I knew that without a second’s doubt. But I tell you now, Maggie, you and him between you have fucking destroyed me. You spent all this time knowing what he meant and listening to him saying all those things to me, and you still didn’t fucking feel like you should tell me what was going on. I feel like the cunt of the year, and you took me for the biggest cunt of all. If for no other reason, you should have let me in on your big secret at the time it happened, so I would at least have been aware of it when he was taking the piss out of me.’
Maggie was sitting up now and shaking her head in distress. She understood that all his real feelings were coming out.
Jimmy was good at hiding things, that was why he did so well in his chosen occupation. In the police station he had told her in no uncertain terms that he knew everything, and that he never wanted to discuss it. If you didn’t talk about it, then it never happened was an old maxim of his.
Now she had forced him to confront what had happened, it had backfired on her and she wished with all her heart she had not started this.
She saw it now from his point of view. He was suddenly remembering every little thing that Freddie had said, all the slights, all the innuendos, and putting them in their proper context. For someone of his dignity and his self-belief, that would eat at him, gnaw at his very soul, and she had caused this pain. She had kept it secret and it had nearly destroyed them. Then she had forced it out into the open and that had been the catalyst for the total destruction of their lives.
He looked at her as she sat there crying, and he felt the urge to strangle her. He was angrier with her than he had ever been in all their time together.
‘Jackie was all you cared about, all your life it’s been about her. I have had to put up with her every fucking Christmas, every fucking holiday. It was her you were more worried about, and that is what I am so fucking angry about. I can’t face the truth like you, Maggie. I would rather do me ostrich impression. You should have left me alone. Stopped fucking pushing me. You wanted this all out in the open, well now it is. I hope you are fucking happy now. You got what you wanted, Mags, you finally know what I really think.’
With that he left the house and she heard his car screech off the drive.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jimmy woke up to the feeling of a soft moist mouth on his erection, and he sighed tiredly. He didn’t have the heart to tell the girl that it was only a morning glory, a piss proud. She tried her hardest but he was deflating at an alarming rate. In the end she looked up at him, and he smiled as he said, ‘Better luck next time, eh?’
She grinned and jumped off the bed. He watched her lazily as she grabbed her belongings and slipped from the room.
That was the beauty of prostitutes, all they wanted was what you wanted, no more and no less. No long-winded fucking conversations, and no fucking harping on about their families or their problems or their poxy lives.
He felt bad now, though, and that annoyed him even more. He was sleeping with anything that moved, and that was only accomplished with the aid of alcohol and, more recently, Viagra.
He yawned again, and he realised he could smell himself. Jumping out of the bed he slipped his clothes on and made his way downstairs.
Patricia shook her head at him as if he was a naughty boy. ‘I hope you fucking paid the poor whore, they ain’t working for nix, you know.’
Jimmy gave her a lazy, annoying smile. ‘What’s it to you, Pat? This is my place. I own them all in one way or another.’ He didn’t mean it, he was just trying to antagonise her.
‘Are you going to Freddie’s funeral, then?’
He shook his head nonchalantly. ‘Why, are you?’
Jimmy left the house then, pleased he had got a rise out of her. He drove back to Glenford’s quickly. He was desperate for a shower and a change of clothes.
Jackie and her girls were all together in the church. Little Freddie was still outside, and Jackie knew he was chain-smoking cigarettes.
The body had finally been released, and his murder was just another crime that was classed as unsolved. Hardly a soul had turned up for the funeral. Her mother was coming, his wasn’t, no surprise there. Nor was her father, and no wreaths had been delivered anywhere. This didn’t upset her, it annoyed her. There was a subtle difference.
But once the day was over she could start a new life, that was what she kept telling herself. It was all that got her through the nights.
She surveyed her daughters. They were beautiful girls and she was proud of them. She had never really bothered with them before, but now she saw them all the time and she actually knew about their lives and their thoughts.
Freddie’s influence over the house was gone, and she was enjoying the freedom that not being in love brought her.
She would pop over Maggie’s tomorrow, see how she was faring. She did not expect her here today anyway, but she had offered to go if that was what Jackie really wanted, and she had been pleased about that. Been pleased that Maggie cared enough to do something like that for her. But she had assured her sister that she would be all right with her girls, that they would see her through it.
She wished they would hurry up and get started. She was dying for a drink and she had a lot to do today. This was the most important day of her life, at least that was how she felt about it though she wasn’t so sure her family would agree. She had n
ever buried her husband before. This was a definite first in her book.
The priest was looking at his notes and she hoped that he got Freddie’s name right. It was not as if he had known him, after all.
Glenford was leaving the house when he saw Jimmy’s car racing up the road. So he went back inside and put the kettle on. He had time for a coffee, that was the good thing about their lives. You never had to live by the clock like most people did. You could pick and choose your hours. It was one of the life’s main attractions.
Jimmy walked into the little kitchen and his bulk took up the whole room. ‘All right, Glenford!’ He was smiling and laughing as usual. ‘You know Freddie gets planted today?’
‘No, never heard a word. Who told you?’
‘Ugly Pat. She ain’t going, anyway.’
Jimmy yawned loudly, and taking a joint from the ashtray he lit it up and toked deeply on it before saying, ‘I am fucking knackered. I have to get me head together today, though. I am going to visit Oz tomorrow and I have a few things to get sorted first.’
‘You look like shit, Jimmy.’
He grinned. ‘I feel like it and all, don’t worry.’
‘You spoke to Maggie yet?’
Jimmy looked at his friend and shrugged. ‘No point, nothing to say.’
‘It’s been two months, Jimmy. What the fuck you and her argued about I don’t know, but if you leave it much longer there will be no going back. The longer you leave things the harder they become.’
‘You are preaching to the converted, mate. Now let me drink me coffee and smoke me spliff without feeling like I am on the sofa with Lorraine Kelly. Not that I would knock her back if she gave me half a chance!’
Glenford laughed despite himself. ‘Have you been to the pub yet? It’s nearly finished. Paul said it looks too nice for his usual clientele, which includes us, I suppose.’